Cerberus TV presents an all new season of your favorite show: Big Brother: Bioware Edition! It's Bros vs. Bras as members from all over the gaming community join in at a chance to win one million big ones! Let's listen in on another episode in the life!
After a humiliating defeat at the hands of the male team, the female team discusses their loss, by blaming each other.
"Yo, Miranda!" Jack says, after a long day. "You told me to take my time on that puzzle, but we ended up losing because of it!"
Jack, ex-convicted Biotic: "Yeah, I blew up on Miranda. I'm surprised no one else did! She's such a stuck up bitch with the way she bosses everyone around. Fucking sick of that bitch."
"Well, maybe if someone read up on the 1001 gameshow puzzles, we wouldn't be in this mess."
Miranda, Cerberus Operative: "I'll admit I was harsh on Jack. But for good reason; her actions and her additude are costing this team!"
"Like I'm gonna waste my time, when I know what you're trying to say! Say it; you think I'm dumb, don't you?"
"Well, if the shoe fits…" Miranda said, as Jack's temper was growing.
Liliana, Ex-Orlesian Bard: "Lady Cecile always told me it is best to let feuding noblemen settle disputes for themselves. Of course, the Chantry does say not to turn a blind eye to those in need. Then again, I have a strong suspicion Miranda took my bow without using it."
"Oh yeah! Well, at least I ain't some test tube bitch bred by her rich daddy and left because 'it got too hard'!"
"I strongly suggest you mind your words, otherwise you may not finish what you started." Miranda said.
Lily, Nightkin Grandmother: "Now, naughty children shouldn't act up! I had just about nerve to spank them. Of course, Leo would've rather I'd slice them to bits but I told him, 'No, Leo. Bad Leo!'
"Enough!" The robed elder said, forcing them on the ground telekinetically.
"Have you no sense of compromise? Tolerance? The true test has barely begun and you are already at each other's throats. There can be no room for dissention among us, and I will not let petty disputes get out of hand!"
"Back off, bitch!" Jack screamed. "I… I don't have to listen to you or anyone else!"
"Let me go, this instant!" Miranda groaned.
"Fine, if neither of you will listen to submit peacefully, perhaps I will give the other leverage to use against you. Let us dig a little deeper, shall we?"
Both Biotics screamed as the robed woman dug deep into their psyche, their innermost private thoughts.
"You, pawn of Cerberus. You are a sad thing; strong enough to free yourself from the shackles of your father only to swear yourself to another master. Loyalty is only effective as a means to higher yourself, not your master. Perhaps we should reveal about your inability. For all the gifts you have, you are unable to-"
"Stop, stop! Please, I'll… comply…" Miranda said, sweat forming around her face.
"And you, child. You are chaotic, crass, yet powerful. You could've been so much more than a common thug. However, he came and changed you didn't he? His death, rather than finding anger and resilience from it, came to cripple you. Shall I show that image? Repeat his last words so they never cease to echo in your mind?"
"I…I'll fucking kill you, you old bitch!" Jack cried out, only to be released from her prison.
"Do as you will in the future, but for now, we need each other. When we are no longer united, then we shall dispose of each other. For now, let us rest and plan for tomorrow, for this will be a long journey indeed."
Kreia, Jedi Master(?): "Machines. Their fascination with such things dead to the Force eludes me." With a raise of her hand, the camera suddenly goes out.
Next time, Justice comes into the Big Brother house, and no, we're not talking about the concept!
"I say, 'tis only fair if one uses the toothpaste, they have enough sense to put it back on!"
(A/N: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!)
Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied
Chapter 14
The CIC…
Shepard looked at his Dossiers, figuring out what to do before getting the IFF. He stumbled onto Kelly.
"You had me so worried there. The Illusive Man put EDI on this mission for a reason; now I know why."
Shepard scratched his head. "Yeah. Though, we may need to do a Disc clean-up to make her hardware faster."
"Oh, Commander! I don't know what we'd do without you-"
"Kelly!" The Commander said. "What did we say about Commander Shepard's personal space?"
"Do not invade Commander Shepard's personal space without permission. Always assume you do not have permission."
"Good girl. Now, the only one left here is the Asari Justicar. Joker! Set a course for Illium and let's add one more to our dysfunctional family."
Illium…
The Commander picked his two squadmates and headed out. However, he failed to realize how the two of them continued to stare at each other, and not in the fashion of femslash.
"What the fuck is this bitch doing here?" Jack said, pointing to Miranda.
"Look, we're going after a Biotic, and I'm not 100 percent sure she's coming quietly. Besides, I thought this'd be a great moment to build team synergy."
Miranda stared at Jack. "I highly doubt that."
"You got that fucking right." Jack sighed. Just as the company was about to advance, they met an Asari, crying her heart out.
"You don't understand!" She sobbed. "It's an irreplaceable heirloom that I lost near the transport terminal! What am I going to do?"
Shepard looked at his companions oddly and tapped the woman on the shoulder.
"Umm… Ma'am? I think I have something that belongs to you…" He said, handing her the locket.
"You found it! Oh, thank you. It was a gift from my mate."
"No problem! It was there and I happened to pick it up."
The Asari bowed in humilty and went back to her normal NPC position.
"That was random…" Miranda commented.
"What? The fact that we found the necklace while looking for you sister or the fact there was an Asari crying out audibly about her lost possession?"
"Both really." The trio continued along to find themselves at the other end of the spaceport. Along the way, they met up with a Green Asari.
"Shepard? Is that you?" The NPC said.
"Shiala? Hey, you were that Asari on Feros!" Shepard cried out.
"Precisely. Thanks to you, Zhu's hope has been doing well. However, we have been suffering medical complications after the Thorian and the company is performing invasive medical procedures. We'd complain, but she's holding us to a contract."
"Wait… were you always green?" Shepard said.
"This is one of the medical problems from the Thorian…"
Shepard and co. simply stared at each other.
"Shit," Jack said. 'That is bad."
"Which is why I need you to go and talk to the Asari about the contract. Please, it would really help us out at Zhu's hope."
The Commander shrugged. "Well, considering I went through puking zombies and a giant telepathic plant for them, why not?"
The crew quickly went over to the Asari, who glared at them coldly. "I saw you talking to that Asari. Filthy alien! I have no need for you or your kind!"
Shepard coughed. "Umm… maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Hi, I'm Shepard."
"No! I will have nothing to do with humans or any non-Asari! To me you are nothing! Nothing!"
The main character sighed. "This seems personal. Are you alright?"
"No! My Quarian mate is dead and my two beautiful children died during the attack on the Citadel! One worked at the Consort's, while the other worked at the embassy!"
"You mean the Asari who told me wait 3 months and the other one who stood there and looked pretty?"
The Asari glared at Shepard.
"Sorry, force of habit. But, your kids, even your mate worked with humans, right? Can't you?"
The Asari cried tears and nodded her head. "I…I'll make arrangements. Tell your Asari everything will be taken care of."
Shepard turned to his two companions. "See how simple things are when you just take the time to help people?"
The two females rolled their eyes as Shepard returned to Shiala.
"Thank you, Shepard! You have no idea how much of a relief this will be to the colonists. We would've had to pay 50 more credits each if we broke the contract."
"No problem at all. Make sure to say hi to Lizbeth and her mother." Shepard said.
"Umm… one more thing. If you're not doing anything in the sequel…" Shiala said, rubbing her hand on Shepard's bicep. "Call me."
As she left, the Commander could only say one thing.
"Score!" He cried before collecting himself and going towards the Tracking officer.
"Officer Dara?" He asked.
"What do you want human? And if you even give me so much as a wink, I'll get the best lawyer in Illium to throw the book at-"
He stopped her. "Actually, I was sent by Liara to find Samara, the Justicar. Have you seen her?"
She looked up. "Her? Yeah, but I don't know why. She's on a case and if I were you, wouldn't go 500 meters near it."
"Unfortunately, that's not an option. What's wrong?"
Dara shrugged. "She's investigating some murder, or… whatever. Frankly, I'm more worried she'll start some sort of incident."
"What do you mean?" The Commander scratched his head.
"Justicars follow The Code. It gives them permission to kill with lethal force. She can kill an entire tribe, children and even the occasional litterer. We, Asari, won't question if a Justicar kills one of our own, but if she kills someone outside our species, things could get messy."
Shepard scratched his head. "So… change The Code telling her 'not' to kill anyone outside our species."
"It's not that simple! The Code is an ancient tradition going back to our earliest years as a civilization. Changing it would be stomping on those traditions that define us as Asari."
He nodded. "Yeah, we have something like that too. It's called the Constitution. See how much of the original is still left behind."
(Disclaimer: The political/religious views of Commander Shepard do not necessarily reflect those of the author.)
"God, the author's such a sell-out."
(A/N: Shut up!)
"Whatever. Just give us the directions and we'll be on our way."
Officer Dana pointed towards the terminal and the trio headed off.
Illium Spaceport
Illium,
Saturday, July 23rd. 11:01 AM
Shepard and co. landed down, only to find themselves in a rather exposition thick scene.
"Where do you think you're going, Pitne For?"
The Volus with his entourage looked back and responded. "Your case has turned up nothing, Detective Anaya. My partner is dead and there shouldn't be anything holding me back from leaving."
"That may be so, but you're still under heavy suspicion. You aren't to leave this port until I give the all clear, you got it?"
Pitne For sighed. "If you insist."
Shepard and his friends turned to each other. "Don't you just love it when you walk in on a scene and everything's explained to you without all that needless background or research?"
"We should still talk to the detective. She'll let us into the crimescene." Miranda said.
The company walked forward to the police station.
Illium 23rd Precinct
Illium,
Saturday, July 23rd. 11:04 AM
"What the fuck; did we just transition again into the police station?" Jack said.
"Hey, you pay 1000 credits for this transition machine and not use it. Besides, this is a cop drama. That makes it appropriate."
Detective Anaya looked up. "Nice guns, try not to use them in my district."
"No promises. I was wondering if you could help me find a Jusitcar, Samara?"
"Samara? Then you came at just the right time. Yeah, she's been investigating the crimescene. Only, it's not about the murder but rather the relation with the Eclipse mercs. She's looking for a ship name, not sure of all the details…"
"That's fine." The Commander said. "I just need to talk to her and recruit her for a mission."
"Work fast, because my superiors want me to arrest her. However, doing so will most likely get me killed."
"Why would you follow your superior's orders if they mean your life?"
Just as Miranda and Jack were about to say something smarmy, Shepard stopped them at their tracks.
"Don't you two dare say anything!"
The two became silent.
"Look, can I just find the Justicar and give her my invitation to my suicide mission?"
"Certain death for a noble goal? Justicars can't resist that. Good luck." Anaya said as the trio headed out.
Illium Crime Scene
Illium,
Saturday, July 23rd. 11:08 AM
"That does it!" Jack cried. "Give me that thing; I'm going to beat the shit out of it!"
"No!" Shepard said, holding his transition machine. "The warranty's no good if you destroy it!"
"Even better!" She cried, attempting to reach it.
"Commander?" Miranda stated, gesturing to the police officers.
"Where's the Justicar? I need to speak with her."
The officer nodded. "She's probably in the alleys. Careful, though. Eclipse Mercs are stationed around here."
The Commander paused. "Wait… Eclipse Mercs are near the crime scene and you haven't stopped them?"
"Well, what can we do? Their Headquarters are stationed right there!" The Guard said, pointing to a nearby building.
"So, arrest them!" Shepard cried.
"Are you kidding me? We're just 2 cops and an Asari who follows suicidal orders. Guess what our odds are!"
"Alright, alright! C'mon, we've gotta fix this broken district." The crew said. As per usual, Shepard and company found several Eclipse mercs and took them out cleanly, save for the ones who's brain matter spilled out. The group continued along only to walk into a cutscene where a risqué dressed Asari threw several Eclipse mercenaries to the ground. She floated gently, walking seductively over one, injured and near death.
"Damn you, Justicar!" She screamed, unable to move.
"Tell me the ship's name. That is all I ask." The Asari said.
"You think I'm afraid of you? I'd just be dead from the other Eclipse!"
Samara placed her heel on the Eclipse mercenary's throat.
"Fine peace in the Embrace of the Goddess." She said, twisting her heel.
"Wow, that Asari looks worse for wear…" Miranda commented. However, Shepard handed her a pair of sunglasses.
"Do it." He said.
"I thought you didn't like one liners…"
"We're in probably the last place for a crime scene investigation, and there's a perfectly good pun around the corner and you don't want to do it?"
The Cerberus Operative hesitated. "Is this necessary?"
"Do this, and I will forgive all bad lines, here and now." Shepard said.
Miranda sighed. "Oh, alright…"
She walked over to the alien corpse.
"It looks like this Asari's…"
She puts on the sunglasses.
"All black and blue!"
(A/N: YEAAAAAAAAAAH!)
The trio confronted the beautiful and buxom Samara as she strolled around them.
"I see three armed guests around me, yet no firing. Are we friend or foe?"
"Wow…" Shepard said, continually staring at her features. Luckily, Miranda dug her nails into his scalp and dragged them to eye contact level.
"Sorry. Name's Shepard. Friend. Did you really have to kill that merc?"
"Have you not taken a life before?" Samara asked.
"Well… that's different. People were shooting at me. I never fired on an NPC. Okay, once, but it didn't count!"
"My Code tells me to kill the unjust. And this one, was unjust."
Shepard sighed. "Okay, let's get down to business. Collectors are abducting human colonists so I need a team to invade the Omega-4 Relay and destroy the base."
"I'll do it." She said.
"Finally, a mission without a catch-"
"Just after I find the name of the ship of a fugitive I'm after."
"Dammit!" He cursed, unsure how to handle matters.
"I wish you'd go with the Spectre, Justicar." Detective Anaya said. "I've got orders to bring you in."
"Detective, my investigation comes first. However, my Code allows me to hesitate for one day, by then, I must resume my investigation."
"I can't allow that…" The Detective said, bluntly.
"Then, I will have to kill you, unless you would be willing to take on this task, Shepard."
The Commander paused for a moment. "So… let me get this straight. You, Detective, are unwilling to disobey orders or ignore them for a set period because your superiors did not write a loophole excluding Justicars or because you refuse to do anything outside of suicidal actions."
He then turned to Samara, "While you are willing to follow an ancient code what allows you to kill anybody that gets in your way with little to no variation on dubious morality when you could just easily let go of your investigation or not kill the detective, am I right?"
The Justicar nodded.
"So, we're put into this predictament where I have to do all the work just because no one is willing to amend the rules?"
"Correct."
"Pretty much."
Shepard held his head. "Okay, this planet has more problems than even I could fix. Fine, where should I begin my investigation?"
"Ask Pitne For. The Volus has some information and sold a strange shipment to the Eclipse. I am ready to go, Detective." Samara said, leaving.
Illium Spaceport
Illium
Saturday, July 23rd. 11:31 AM
"There was already a break in the writing!" Miranda shouted. "Was there any need to transition, again?"
"Yes!" Shepard said, approaching the suspect. "Act cool."
Pitne For turned around to face the trio. "Good afternoon, Earth clan. Isn't this a fine day to… obey the law and such-"
"Cut the bullpucky, we know you dealt to the Eclipse." Shepard blurted out.
"Subtle…" Miranda commented.
"Umm… I have no idea what you're talking about. I would never deliver anything… harmful to the fine members of the Eclipse."
"Okay, I guess you won't feel too bad if I were to accidentally slip your name to a couple of them."
The Volus sighed. "Alright, you got me. What do you want to know."
"A criminal was smuggled out of here. Can you give me a ship name?"
The Volus hesitated. "That I cannot do. You see, with my various dealings with the Eclipse I didn't pay attention to any surroundings. But, I do have a keycard, right here."
Shepard ominously cracked his knuckles.
"…Which you could have right now. I should warn you, each sister of the Eclipse earns a kill to gain their armor. Be warned."
"I'll keep that in mind." Shepard said, heading off to the mercenary base.
"Oh, and one more thing. The chemicals I may have given the Eclipse have a very… unusual effect on biotics."
"How so?"
"The more exposure you are to the chemical, the more powerful your biotics. Of course, you also stand a great chance of overloading your immune system…"
Shepard rolled his eyes. "Oh, this may be a long mission."
Eclipse Hideout
Illium
Saturday, July-
"Give me that fucking thing!" Jack cried, ripping it from Shepard's hands and throwing on the floor smashing it. The Commander screamed, shocked by the horror of this sight.
"Miranda! Do something!" He begged.
"Sorry, can't hear you. Doing… companion activities." Miranda said sheepishly.
It was about the 5th time that Jack had stomped on the machine that the Commander had given up hope about ever seeing it again.
"Well… I hope you're happy…" He sobbed. "Let's just get on with our cop drama, without transitions!"
The trio headed forward, only to be faced with several Eclipse mercs, several LOL mechs and the occasional FERYL dogs. However, they were not immune to spilled gas to which soon encircled them and altered their biotics a great deal.
"Huh. That's weird." Shepard said. "Is the powder affecting you guys too?"
Suddenly, several gasps came from Jack only let out a colossal sneeze, exploding all of the mercenary heads within the nearby area. Shepard and Miranda could only look dumbfounded by Jack's new power and perhaps, just perhaps, withheld their judgement because of fear.
"You…okay, Jack?"
The ex-convict wiped her nose. "Shit, I think I'm allergic to this crap."
"Just be sure to aim that thing at the enemy, understand?" Miranda said. However, at this, Jack began to show signs of sneezing again. Miranda ducked, only to see Jack smile.
"Gotcha, bitch!" Jack said, cackling.
"C'mon! Let's get this mission over with!" Shepard said, walking into a room. Gazing around, he could tell something was amiss.
"Hello?" He asked.
"Please don't shoot!" One of the mercenaries said. "My name's Elnora. I'm new here; I haven't even earned my colors!"
"The bitch's lying; I can tell!" Jack said. "Shoot her!"
"No!" Shepard said. "Just because this Asari is dressed as an Eclipse, was hiding from the gunfire and is now aiming a shotgun at me doesn't mean… wait…"
"Let me go, you sonovabitch before I blow a piece of you into next Tuesday!"
Shepard and his company aimed their firearms. "Ma'am, just so you know, I've been threatened by Krogan before. And let me say, odds aren't looking too good for you right now. So, just tell me what I want to know and I'll let you be on your way."
"Fine." Elnora said. "What is it?"
"You put a criminal on a ship. What's the ship's name?" He asked.
"You mean the Di- I mean… I have no idea! Sorry!" Elnora said. "The Ardat-Yakshi was very secretive."
"The… who?" Shepard asked.
"It means 'Terror of the Nightwing'. Nasty stuff. Can I go now?"
The Commander sighed. "We might as well."
"Shepard!" Miranda said. "She's a dangerous fugitive and a member of the Eclipse. Shouldn't we at least wound her or something so she doesn't get away, or does something potentially harmful to our mission?"
"Nope! When I release potentially dangerous criminals, it's scot-free!"
"Thank you. Oh, thank you! I hope you get what you're looking for!" Elnora said, running along.
The trio continued along, killing several mercenaries on their way. Along the way, they barely scratch a gunship which leaves almost immediately.
"God, I hope that doesn't come back to bite us in the butt." He said, once gain forgetting his lampshading powers.
After a quick skirmish with more Eclipse, they ran upstairs, only to find a nearby audio file.
"Well, it's official! I, Elnora, have earned my colors and killed that stupid little Volus! With high explosive rounds up close. It was easy…"
At this point, Jack and Miranda could only help but stare angrily at the Commander.
"Umm… better to let the guilty go free than harm an innocent?" He shrugged.
"Goddammit, why did I have to sign up with a dumbshit pussy?"
"You said it, cheerleader!" Jack replied, while the three of them moved on.
The trio headed out as the game mysteriously saved by itself. How very odd.
"Shepard, I have a bad feeling about this." Miranda said.
"Oh, don't be such an Atton, Miranda. Just because we have an open view of the sunset, the game saved automatically and that gunship from before is approaching at us high… speed… oh, cheese and crackers!"
The company ducked out of the way as the gunship's Gatling gun continued to fire. The trio whittled down its health slowly and painfully as if it were having a child.
"This is just great! I don't see how this could get any worse!"
Suddenly, the ship began deploying several FERYL mechs.
"It poops dogs too?" He screamed, continually firing at the thing. However, the process was slow and tedious.
"This is taking too long!" Miranda shouted.
"Yeah, but what can we-" Suddenly, Shepard received a brilliant idea.
"Hey, Jack! Catch!" He said, tossing a canister of the magic powder to her. It wasn't long before the ex-convict breathed in smoke and suddenly let out a colossal sneeze, killing all enemies in the area.
"Alright! Go, allergies!" He said, before receiving a punch in the stomach from Jack.
"Do that again, and I'll tear your fucking cock off!" Jack screamed.
The company headed out, only to notice a dossier nearby.
"Please tell me the ship's name is on there!" He moaned.
"Nope. But it does implicate Pitne For as the seller of red sand and the biotic-enhancing powder." Miranda said.
"Boy, we do sure find a lot of plot items without actually searching for them, don't we?"
"I wouldn't complain…" Miranda said, taking the evidence along with them and entering the next room.
Shepard and co. entered in, only to find a Volus, incapacitated out of his mind.
"I am a Biotic God! I think things, and things-"
"Do we really have to do this?" Shepard said.
"What?" The Volus said.
"I mean… it's just been done so many times before. Can't we do something else? Casey! Can we do something else?"
Casey, off-screen replied, "No, Mark! We're not going to change the script. Drew worked hard on it."
"I know that, and I don't mean any offense to Drew, but we've seen this bit so many times on the internet and 4chan and-"
"Just read the script!" Casey replied.
"Maybe, if we had the Volus float a bit, or maybe if he lifted himself only to fall back down and-"
The Volus, now in a British accent responded. "Look, you little upstart! If you had script problems, you should've brought it up during the cold reads! Now, get back in line, read the damn script and be done with it! I have a casting call at 3 for a romantic comedy, and you're not going to make me miss it!"
"Okay, okay! I was just trying to be helpful!"
The Volus sighed. "Damn unprofessionals. Now, where was I? Okay… At first, I was scared when the mercanaries pumped so many drugs into me. But, the fools hadn't realize the terror they have unleashed! I will tear into Wasea like a wind… a… mighty wind!"
Miranda folded her arms. "Shepard, this incapacitated Volus could get into the way. We can't have it running around, distracting us."
Shepard looked up. "Oh, great read, Yvonne! Could you sound a little more sarcastic?"
"Just finish the scene!" Casey yelled.
"Now, the Eclipse will feel the wrath of my power!" The Volus said, only to incite a Paragon Interrupt. Shepard does so, planting the Volus on his face.
"Wh-what? What happened? Too tired. Will… destroy the world later…"
Shepard and company looked at each other and headed on.
"Tell me we're not doing that again!" Miranda said.
"Don't worry! We'll fix it in editing; just finish the level!"
The trio headed in, only to find Wasea reading from a dossier and drinking her beverage, because she apparently didn't look evil enough.
"Everything's gone to hell ever since we smuggled that filthy creature off-world. First a Justicar shows up and now you."
"Okay, one warning. Give me the information, otherwise I'll use this thing!" He said, pointing to Jack's nose.
"At least I'll have the pleasure of turning your head into a pulpy mass!" She said, biotically throwing the powder in their direction.
"Did she just throw the element we needed to win this battle?" Shepard asked.
"Apparently so." Miranda responded. "That's enemy AI for you…"
The trio fought off Wasea and the mercanaries. It was easy. Moving on.
"It says here the ship's name was the Artemis. And here I thought we'd never find the name…"
"Let's head back to the station, then."
"Illium's 23rd Precinct
Illium
Saturday-"
"If I beat the shit out of that machine, what makes you think I won't beat the shit out of you?" Jack said.
The trio headed inside, seeing Samara meditating while Anaya figiting nervously.
"Hey, I found the ship's name." Shepard cried.
"Shepard, you impress me."
"Yeah, and I also know they were smuggling an Apcot Nazi on board."
Samara looked curious. "I believe you mean Ardat-Yakshi"
"No, I'm pretty sure it was Ascot Yahtzee."
"…Just let me join your crew."
Samara bowed down in humility and said her oath. "Upon the code, I swear myself upon you. Now, I can do as you wish without any moral implications to my duty."
"…You have a very easy job, don't you?" Shepard said.
"I warn you, make me do anything I regret, and I may kill you."
"Oh, good. As if I didn't need another reason to be dead. Hang on. Detective, here's the evidence that the Eclipse killed your victim, here's evidence that Pitne For was involved in the drug trade and I happed to kill the majority of Eclipse while I was infiltrating their base."
"Thanks for doing my job for me. At least now, I can relax."
Shepard sighed and signaled the group to head back to the ship.
You have earned a Trophy!-The Justicar
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute. What the hell is that?" Shepard said, pointing to the upper right side of the screen.
"It's… a trophy. For all your hard work."
"A… trophy?" Shepard said, his tone rising.
"It's basically the same thing!"
(Warning: The following rant is a criticism of Mass Effect being shown on the PS3. All PS3 and Wii owners should take caution. Unfortuanately, these do represent the author's view on the matter.)
"No it's not!" Shepard said, starting his rant. "Achievements are numerical values assigned to certain tasks in gaming adding to one's gamer score, allowing for the quick and easy reference of the gamer's experience. Trophies are Sony's late response in order to cash in on Microsoft's innovation just like how they made the move in response to the Wii! I did not decide to buy a Xbox 360 so that the game I had anticipated could be imported to the bloody PS3! PS3 owners didn't buy a faulty console and waded through 5 Rings of Death so they could at least play the next Bioware title! Curse the day EA purchased us because the only thing more insulting would be if Gears of War 3 showed up on there!"
Achievement Earned- Brand Loyalty 5G
Shepard sighed. "Let's just get back to the ship…"
(A/N: Will Samara show restraint when working with Shepard? Can Jack find a cure for her allergies? Is there anyone at least remotely pissed off as I was when I heard this was coming to the PS3? I mean, seriously! I gave up playing Heavy Rain for this. Heavy Rain!
Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next exciting chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied!")
A/N: Short break next week. Don't worry, I'm writing as fast as I can!