Olivia let out a sigh, tilting her head back slightly to capture the sun more fully on her face. It was truly amazing what a little warmth, some sand between your toes and the sound of waves crashing into the shore could do for the mind and body. Of course, the first few days that she and Elliot had spent locked inside the small beach house had done wonders too. They'd had a lot of pent up stress, frustration and downright lust built up that they'd managed to work out, and she couldn't remember a time when she felt so deliciously sore and incredibly relaxed.
"You OK?" Elliot asked, hearing the sighs coming from the lounge chair next to him.
"I'm perfect." Olivia said, never opening her eyes.
Elliot glanced over at Olivia stretched out in her white swimsuit and he reached out, running his hand lightly down her arm. "You certainly are."
Olivia opened her eyes, shading them with her hand, and gave him an eye roll. "Knock it off." She teased. The white swimsuit she was wearing was a one piece, but while she wasn't shy about her body, she felt like she hadn't exposed this much skin in years. She'd seen some wandering eyes as they'd made their way down to the beach and that was the exact reason she didn't. That kind of attention wasn't wanted or needed.
However, Elliot seemed to like it, and with him by her side, there was no way anyone else was going to approach her.
"Do you want some more sunscreen?" Elliot asked, knocking her arm with the bottle.
"No." She said, closing her eyes again and dropping her arm. She had already covered herself quite liberally, and she didn't mind if her skin got a shade or two darker or looked like it was kissed by the sun. She'd spent most of the summer in Manhattan and the only time she saw the sun there was getting in and out of her squad car.
"Did I tell you that I really like that suit?" Elliot asked. Olivia had her eyes closed, so he took another opportunity to let his eyes rove down her prone figure. The white suit could barely contain her breasts, showing plenty of cleavage. The sides weren't cut particularly high, but those legs…
Olivia opened her eyes at that moment, and she saw Elliot's eyes wander lazily back up her body until his eyes connected with hers. He realized he had been caught, but he just gave her a cheeky grin, and she knew exactly what the look in his eyes meant. "You may have mentioned it once or twice." She said with a small laugh. "And I need a day of rest." She added. As much as she loved having sex with Elliot, she needed some sunshine and beach time too. She saw the disappointed look on his face…or at least the sad expression he adopted…and she laughed. "Maybe after dinner, I'll feel like dessert."
Elliot smiled and lay back down on the lounge chair. The one thing he loved about Olivia is that she had the same sex drive as he did. Both of them had taken turns being the initiator, and that was fine with him. "I'll try to rest up then. Conserve my energy." He teased.
Olivia let out a small harrumph.
"What?" Elliot feigned innocence. "You're insatiable." He said. "I'm going to have to go get some vitamins or something to keep up."
"Aren't you the one that just propositioned me?" Olivia asked, biting back a small smile.
"I didn't say a word." Elliot said defensively. "I merely commented that I liked your suit."
"You're ridiculous." Olivia said.
"But irresistible." Elliot added, giving her his most charming smile.
Olivia gave him another eyeroll and closed her eyes, turning back towards the sun. But she couldn't keep the smile off her face.
EOEOEOEO
They had managed to spend almost the entire week avoiding the most important conversation of all. Olivia knew it was going to happen today, and she was dreading it. In retrospect, they should have discussed it early, and given themselves the week to adjust to whatever they had agreed on. That would have been the best plan.
Of course, they had never made things easy on themselves.
Elliot came up behind her as she sat at the small breakfast table and placed his hands lightly on her shoulders. "I think we need to talk."
Olivia had given up asking how he was always able to read her mind. "I haven't had enough coffee for this discussion." She wondered how long it had taken him to work up the courage to bring it up.
Elliot lifted his hands and came around the table, sitting in the chair opposite her. "We probably should have talked about this earlier."
Olivia couldn't help but give him a small smile. "Great minds."
Elliot looked confused and she waved it off with a never mind.
"So…" Elliot started.
"Let's go sit out on the deck." The cabin they had rented had a small deck that overlooked the beach and the ocean. It was shaded at this time of the morning, but she thought this conversation may be easier with the calming sound of the waves.
Elliot nodded and followed her outside. They each settled in a chair situated on either side of a small table, and they took a moment to stare out at the ocean. Olivia sipped her coffee, and finally turned to look back at Elliot. She saw he was already focused on her. "Have you been thinking about it?" She asked. She knew she had studiously avoided thinking about it all week, distracting herself with anything and everything she could.
Elliot nodded. "You?"
Olivia shrugged, not giving him a definitive answer.
"And?" Elliot prodded.
Olivia furrowed her brow. "Are you leaving this decision up to me?"
"I want to make a decision together." Elliot said. "And…" He added. "I don't want either of us making a decision based on what we think the other person wants or needs."
Olivia heard what he was saying, but she knew they would both be impacted by their perceptions. She nodded slightly, letting him know she understood what he was saying. He waited her out thought, and she knew he wanted to hear what she was thinking. "So…you want to…" She struggled with the right words to define their relationship. Of all that things they hadn't discussed, that was one of them. "Stay together…" She stumbled with her words, seeing Elliot's confused expression. "You and me."
Elliot finally understood what she was trying to say. "Are you serious?" He asked, but he didn't wait for an answer. "You're asking me if I want to be in a relationship with you?" He could barely believe she was asking him that, and he tried to calm the anger simmering beneath the surface. "What do you think we're doing here?" He watched as her eyes dropped to the coffee mug in front of her, and her hands curled around the ceramic. "Look at me." He commanded. He had to repeat himself before she finally lifted her eyes to meet his. "What do you think we're doing here?" He asked again. When she still didn't answer, he tried a different question. "Are you telling me that after all this, that's not what you want?" He steeled himself for her answer, still reeling that he had to even ask the question.
"I just don't want you to feel like you owe me anything." Olivia started. This decision was going to impact everything in their lives. It had been what the very thing they had feared for so long…the reason they had kept thing the way they were for so long. Even though it was the last thing she wanted to happen, she had to give him an out.
Elliot stood up, almost knocking the heavy chair backwards. He clenched his fists as he walked over to the edge of the deck. He gripped the railing, taking a deep breath and exhaling so he could keep his cool.
"Elliot." Olivia knew she had made him angry, but it had been an honest question. Elliot was a man that believed in honor and responsibility. "We fell into bed and this past week had been amazing, but we haven't talked about a future or anything. But you don't owe me anything, and if you want to walk away…" She watched as Elliot turned towards her, but he stayed in place. She could see the red that had crept into his neck and the set of his jaw.
"How could you think that?" He asked. Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but he forged ahead. "What have I done or said that would make you think that I don't want to be with you? Hell, Olivia, all I can see is a great big future rolled out in front of us." He was on a roll now, and although he was never good with words or huge proclamations, he couldn't stop now. He had to make her understand. He grabbed an empty chair and dragged it right next to her, sitting so close their knees banged together. "For so long, I've felt like we were balancing on this tightrope. One wrong move…one wrong word…one touch…and we would tumble off. Plunge ourselves into the unknown. We were so careful not to upset the balance…we both tread so carefully. And for a while, it was fine. It worked. But pretty soon, we were both frustrated with trying to keep ourselves balanced so carefully. And there were so many things that threatened that fragile balance, and it became harder and harder…"
Olivia realized she was holding her breath as the words poured from Elliot's mouth. She wondered how long he had been thinking about this because there was no way this was spontaneous. "Elliot." She said softly, reaching out towards him.
Elliot kept talking, as if he hadn't heard her say his name. "Then Sam…and I didn't think. I just…I just did what I had wanted to do for so long." He reached for her hand then. "I just wanted to hold you and protect you…and the only thing I could think about as I held you for the first time was that finally, something had changed the balance and pushed us off that fucking tightrope."
Elliot released her hand, and sat back, all of his emotions brimming on the surface. He couldn't read Olivia's face right now…and he didn't know if that was good or bad. He didn't know what she was going to say.
Olivia watched Elliot, and she could see he was bracing himself. "I told you before that I wasn't going anywhere." She said softly. "I just needed you to know that if you had changed your mind…"
"I haven't." Elliot said quickly. He waited a beat before he continued. "So, all that stuff I said…" He kind of felt like a fool at having spewed out all the crazy thoughts he'd had bottled up for so long.
"Don't." Olivia said as she lifted her hand from beneath his and intertwined her fingers with his. She knew he was embarrassed by it. "Everything you said…it was all true. When I think back…you described it perfectly."
"So…" Elliot squeezed her fingers. "You and me."
Olivia smiled. "You and me."
They sat there for a few moments, both staring at their intertwined hands. Finally, Elliot lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it gently. He looked up at her as he lowered their conjoined hands. "I'm going to leave SVU."
"What? No." Olivia said.
"It's what I want." Elliot said. Olivia was shaking her head as he continued. "I've been in SVU longer than you, and I've seen enough."
"You're just saying that because you think I want to stay." Olivia said.
"I'm not." Elliot said. He hadn't realized that he had made the decision but as soon as he said it, he realized it was what he really wanted. The moment he said it, he had another epiphany. "You know that you can leave too, if you want. No one said that one of us have to stay." He watched a myriad of expressions cross her face. "Maybe you should. Maybe it's time."
Olivia sat back, pulling her hand from his. She couldn't imagine leaving SVU, and it was one of the reasons she had avoided thinking of it all week. She'd been there for a long time. She liked putting rapists and pedophiles away. She felt fulfilled getting justice for the victims. It was all such a big part of who she was that she was scared to find out what she'd be without the job.
But now, Elliot had planted the seed and it was as if he'd given her permission to think about a life outside SVU.
"You don't have to leave." Elliot said, seeing he had shaken her. "But I'm out."
"So, this is us talking about it?" Olivia asked, her mind swirling. She had expected a debate…discussions about pros and cons. Not a decision. Not options.
"I guess I just realized that I'm done." He let out a sigh. "I should have done this a long time ago. Then we wouldn't have had to wait."
"We said we weren't going to look backwards."
"You're right." He leaned back. "Maybe I'll even retire. Pick up some private work."
"You'd leave the NYPD?" Olivia asked, even more surprised than she had been before.
"Why not?" He asked. He leaned forward again. "I've got my numbers. I wouldn't start pulling my pension, but I could do something else. Work normal hours. Work when I want." The more he talked about it, the better it sounded. He had never really given any thought to leaving, but he realized that was mostly because he had never been able to conceive of leaving her.
"I don't know if I can leave…" Olivia said softly, looking out towards the ocean. "I don't feel like I'm done."
"That's OK." Elliot said as Olivia turned back to look at him. "If I'm going to leave, you don't have to." Even though he realized he didn't want her out on the streets without him, he had to respect her decision and learn to live with it. "You'll know when the time is right."
"I don't know if I can do this job without you." Olivia said.
"Sure you can." Elliot rested his hand on her knee. "You've done the job without me plenty of times."
"This is different." It was permanent. Not a vacation or a random day off. "I don't know if I want to."
Elliot squeezed her knee. "Listen. We told Cragen we'd come back and let him know which one of us was going to leave. We can go back and tell him that it's going to be me. I probably won't be able to leave right away because he'll want to get a replacement. That'll give you some time to think about what you want to do." He slid his hand down the outside of her arm. "And maybe you won't know in two weeks. Maybe you won't know in two months. You'll just have to take it day-by-day, and maybe you decide you want to stay. And if you decide you want to leave…you can do that too. There's no time limit now."
"When did you get so smart?" Olivia asked, feeling a small smile play on her lips.
"I've always been this smart. I've just been hiding it." He teased.
"Obviously." Olivia teased.
Elliot grinned and let out a growl. "You're going to pay for that." He leaned over and put his hands on her waist, burying his mouth in her neck and nipping at her skin.
Olivia let out a laugh as she let her head fall backwards, baring her neck to him. "Promises. Promises."