A/N: As those of you who follow me on Tumblr will be aware of, after the last chapter got published, I ended up with an anon that was being really spiteful and hurtful. This chapter is dedicated mostly to Emma (dawnofthedusk), who literally spent an hour looking after me via askbox, but also to every single one of you that sent lovely messages in response. Your support is literally what kept this fic from being impulsively deleted.
Also everyone must bow down to the majesty of Hannah (azelma-jondrette) for being the most badass shield maiden of the e/é pairing that has ever existed. She told those haters to sit the fuck down and literally destroying every single argument that was thrown at her, but in the classiest way possible. I doff my cap to you madam. May you long protect our ship.
13. Throwing things at Marius when he starts talking about Cosette is only permitted after the 10th offense of the day. Shouting "NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR LONELY SOUL." is acceptable at any time.
"Did you know Cosette has a puppy? Her dad bought her one last year."
"Wow. Seriously Marius, I don't think your girlfriend's life could be any more interesting."
Marius either ignores Éponine's sarcasm or doesn't register it. "Oh no! She does plenty of interesting things! She just started taking Yoga on a Tuesday morning..."
Éponine rolls her eyes and silently throws her hands up in frustration. As Marius rambles on about Cosette's weekly schedule, she surreptitiously pulls a book from the shelf behind the sofa. It is one of Combeferre's Ethics textbooks and Éponine has to hold it with both hands as she lines it up to launch at Marius. A voice in her ear makes her yelp with fright and drop the book onto the carpet with a heavy thump.
"Please don't throw that at him. I really don't want to have to deal with the paperwork if it kills him."
"One day, Enj, you are going to sneak up on me, and instead of squealing, I am going to deck you."
"I await that day with bated breath."
Enjolras sits down on the sofa next to her, avoiding her irritated shove. Marius is still talking.
"Please let me throw something at him."
"No."
"What happens if I do it anyway?"
"Then this entire house will descend into anarchy because the others will follow your lead and Marius will end up buried under personal items or pieces of furniture." He pauses. "Or perhaps both."
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
Enjolras chuckles softly. "His constant rambling is getting a little tiresome."
Éponine raises one eyebrow at him, trying to convey as much are you fucking kidding me as possible. They are interrupted by Courfeyrac walking halfway down the stairs and groaning loudly when he hears Marius's topic of conversation. He makes a bee line for the coffee table and picks up the copy of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare that Jehan left there, and goes to catapult the heavy tome at Marius. Éponine kicks him and makes a slashing motion with her hand across her neck, then turns back to Enjolras smugly. He concedes.
"Alright, I've got an idea."
Enjolras leaves Éponine on the sofa and walks to the kitchen. Courfeyrac replaces him. They catch each other's eye and both of them shape their fingers into guns and place them into their mouths simultaneously. Éponine giggles loudly.
"Marius?" Enjolras calls.
Marius cuts off halfway through describing Cosette's in depth bedtime routine. "Yes?"
Enjolras returns to the living room. "We have a new rule. It involves you."
Marius looks at him blankly.
"Everyone is getting really bored with your constant talk of Cosette."
"Well that's an understatement. We probably know more about her than her actual friends, and we've never even met her."
"I would say bored is the wrong word. Infuriated, frustrated, and close to tears are probably more accurate." Grantaire has surfaced from his "deadline cave" as he refers to it, and flops down on the other side of Éponine.
Marius looks around, completely bewildered. "I don't talk about her that much."
Éponine snorts.
Combeferre has joined the congregation now. "No offence Marius, but, yes, you really do."
"My point," Enjolras continues, irked slightly, "is that I have prevented blunt force trauma to your head twice in the last five minutes. I know full well I am friends with the sort of people that will directly ignore a blanket ban." He stares pointedly at the three individuals squished on the sofa. They all raise their fists in acknowledgement. "So the only solution I can feasibly propose, is that after a certain number of lapses in a day, there are no restrictions on punishments."
"How many?" Marius asks, apprehensively.
"10."
Éponine lets out a harsh bark. "Ha! He'll last less than 5 minutes!"
"Hey!"
"That's a little harsh Ep," says Grantaire reproachfully. Marius shoots him a grateful look. "I give him two hours at the outside."
Combeferre checks his watch. "It's 4 minutes past 6 Marius, We'll start counting now."
6:07pm
Grantaire has made popcorn and everyone has settled down in the living room to watch MirrorMask at Éponine's insistence. "Neil Gaiman can literally do no wrong."
Jehan tries to argue that they should watch Third Star. "It's such a beautiful film. I cry every time."
Marius pipes up. "They go to Barafundle Bay in that don't they? Cosette's dad took her on holiday there once."
Éponine smirks. "Strike one, Pontmercy."
6:13pm
Grantaire gets up to grab a beer. There is a mad rush to claim his space on the sofa, which Jehan emerges from triumphantly, and he snuggles up to Courfeyrac happily. Grantaire comes back in looking incredibly miffed, to which Courfeyrac, Feuilly, Bahorel and Combeferre all reply "on your feet, lose your seat."
Éponine gestures to the floor in front of her and Grantaire sits between her legs, leaning against the couch. She strokes his hair gently, until Marius whispers quietly. "I love stroking Cosette's hair. It's so soft, like she's got kittens living on her head."
Grantaire spits out the mouthful of drink he was about to swallow.
"It still counts if you say it quietly, Marius."
6:21pm
Gavroche has downed a 2 litre bottle of lemonade and now desperately needs the loo. Combeferre pauses the film.
"Fag break!" Éponine exclaims, and her, Grantaire, Bahorel and Enjolras all move to the back door. Feuilly immediately leaps into Éponine's spot.
Enjolras passes round his lighter, as Marius grumbles. "I'm glad Cosette doesn't smoke."
Bahorel takes a long drag, wanders over to Marius, and exhales in Marius's face.
"I really couldn't give a flying fuck what your girlfriend's nicotine habits are, Marius." Grantaire retorts.
"And I really don't think you're even trying to shut up. Strike 3."
The fourth offense is at 6:23.
The fifth is at 6:24.
He manages to last another 45 minutes before he mentions Cosette a sixth time. By this point, even Jehan with all his gentle patience is getting visibly irritated.
At the seventh (7:12), Grantaire dumps the whole bowl of popcorn over his head in protest. Éponine starts picking the kernels out of his hair whilst Enjolras complains under his breath about treading food into the carpet. Éponine flicks the kernels at him once she's extracted them from Grantaire's tight black curls, claiming that there is no rule against throwing things at him.
Éponine misses the 8th reference two minutes later, because her and Grantaire have roped Enjolras into a furious popcorn throwing fight.
The only person to catch the 9th (7:56) is Combeferre, because the popcorn fight has turned into all out war, with Marius sitting in the middle of the living room, sulking. Everyone has refused to engage him in battle, declaring that he still had two strikes before it was permitted.
The tenth reference isn't until quarter to 8. Everyone is lying scattered across the living room, the remnants of their fight peppered between them and the film quite forgotten.
"I can honestly say I have no idea why I participated in that." says Enjolras, panting.
Grantaire laughs breathlessly. "You can't resist a fight Enj, revolution is in your blood." He pauses. "That, and your girlfriend has been a horrifically bad influence on you."
"That, I cannot refute."
"I would like to think Cosette's been a good influence on me." Marius says absent-mindedly from the sofa.
"Everyone, please select your projectile of choice; that was strike 10!" Combeferre calls from near the kitchen.
"When was 9?" Éponine asks, puzzled.
"When you flipped over the sofa and Gavroche accidentally punched Feuilly in the face."
"Oh, okay. Prepare yourself Pontmercy!"
Marius starts to protest, but Courfeyrac shouts over him. "NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR LONELY SOUL!"
"Hey that's good!" Grantaire grins. "We should yell that every time he talks about Cosette."
"I can allow that." smirks Enjolras.
Everyone arms themselves with books; pencils; coasters; anything they can find.
Éponine turns to Courfeyrac and Grantaire. The three of them grin identically.
"Ready?" Éponine says.
"Aim!" Courfeyrac's voice is tinged with mischief.
"FIRE!" Cries Grantaire.
Marius raises his arms to shield himself from the onslaught, loud promises to never mention his girlfriend in their company again lost underneath the roars of mirth from the rest of the group.
A/N: EVERYONE BRACE YOURSELVES FOR THE HALO MARATHON. I'M PROBABLY MORE EXCITED THAN YOU ARE.