The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover
By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and That Guy!
Disclaimer: Um... my leather jacket, my Kirara doll, and, oh, a demonic sword of death. Any one turn anything like that in, yet? Oh, wait... "dis"claim, you said?
Warning: Consumption of Chapter 13 of The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover may lead to bouts of misfortune, encounters with Satan, and death. If you exhibit any of these symptoms, please discontinue use and consult a physician.
Chapter 13:
Akane bolted upright when she heard the scream. "Oh, no! That sounded like Ranma!" Darting off with blinding speed, she smashed through the Capsule Corp. wall as Shampoo muttered something about a copyright infringement lawsuit.
"Ranma!" Akane cried out as she approached her fiancé, who lay on the ground writhing in agony. "Oh, Ranma, what happened to you?"
"M-muh... Me... Mew..." he gasped.
"Oh!" Akane gasped. "Did you see a cat? Of course. Only a cat could make you scream like a little girl."
Had Ranma not been in such agony, he may have countered this insult with a witty rebuttal, but, as it was, he could only snarl painfully. Several of the other people who were staying at Capsule Corp. until the end of the Ankoku Bukujutsukai quickly joined his fiancée and helped to carry him inside, where he was cared for by all of his so-called fiancées plus some of the other various unattached women in the building.
- - -
Happosai scanned the Nerima landscape. This section of Nerima was near Tomobiki Koukou, and held a secret of unfathomable proportions. The old gnome hadn't wanted to do this, but he knew he had lost his best pupil to the side of—bleagh!—decency. Moreover, his former student was growing far more powerful each day. Now was the time to unleash his darkest secret.
From the shadows, a lanky figure emerged. Dropping to one knee, he ventured, "What is thy bidding my master?"
"It's a disaster! Saotome we're after."
"What if he could be turned to the hentai?"
"Yes! He'd make a powerful ally. Another dark hentai!"
"He will join us or die!"
With that, the two began to break-dance as they shouted, "We got panties. Panties! We got panties. Panties! Man, you know that we got it. Panties! Man, you know that we got it. Panties!"
- - -
Ryoko, Gene, Yusuke, and Akane all stood around the moaning Ranma. Even though he had rested the entire night, it seemed that whatever was ailing him still hadn't abated.
"Well," Ryoko said. "I guess we go on without 'im. I mean, I'm sure we won't need him against wimps like those sailor-girls."
Akane growled, "No way! We can't leave Ranma behind! Even if he's sick, I know he wouldn't want to miss our fight! Besides, maybe he'll feel better by the time our match comes up."
"I guess," Yusuke allowed, "We could take him early to see the Team Darushe fight. I know that being around a rival who's kickin' ass always got me fired up."
"I s'pose that's okay," Gene conceded. "Let's get 'im lifted, then."
Whatever's going on with you, Yusuke thought to himself as his mouth stretched into an anticipatory grin, It had better be good. I can feel your ki changing; growing! Well, whatever you come out as, I'm definitely gonna wanna rematch!
- - -
"Hello and welcome to the IWF telecast from the Ankoku Bukujutsukai stadium where the dreaded Team Darushe will be taking on your heroes and mine, Team Muscle!" a well-dressed man with a suave voice announced to the crowd. "I'm Mac Metaphor."
"And I'm Doc Nakano!" his short, portly companion put in. "Hey, Mac, here's the opposing team now!"
As flaming skulls, rampaging demons, and other scary stuff played on the video screen behind them, Dark Schneider and his Four Lords of Chaos entered to the tune of Burn in Hell.
Welcome to the abandoned land
Come on in child, take my hand
Here there's no work or play, only one bill to pay
There's just five words to say as you go down
You're gonna burn in Hell
Oh, burn in Hell!
The white haired warlock flexed his biceps as flames arched around his body while his teammates took various nonchalant stances of their own.
Take a good look in your heart; tell me what do you see?
It's black and it's dark, now is that how you want it to be?
"Well, this team really looks pumped tonight," Mac observed loudly. "Tell us Dark Schneider, what brings you here today and what do you have in store for Team Muscle?"
Dark Schneider snorted. "Once I win this tournament, I'll have all the power I need at my disposal to destroy the world of the future. This 'Team Muscle' is just an obstacle on my road to victory!"
Hear no evil, don't you
See no evil, don't you
Lay no evil down on me (you're gonna burn in Hell)
Speak no evil, don't you
Think no evil, don't you
Play with evil, 'cause I'm free (you're gonna burn in Hell)
You're gonna burn in Hell!
"Well, you heard it from the leader of Team Darushe, himself," Mac announced. "Can Team Muscle cognitively quip a comeback for these demonic despots of doom?"
"Well, we're about to find out," Doc retorted. "Here comes Team Muscle, now, with the famous Muscle League champion, himself, Kid Muscle, at its head."
A fierce quintet of wrestlers entered the arena. To the Muscle Planet prince's right, the horned Dik Dik Van Dik and the insuppressible Texan, Terry Kenyon, strode heroically. On the opposite side, the heavily armored Kevin Mask and the safety-conscientious German, Jaeger, stalked. Behind them, their own theme song played merrily.
I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
With a rabid wolverine in my underwear
When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes.
I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?
Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?"
I probably would have kept on guessing,
But about that time, we crashed into the truck!
Kid Muscle flexed his own magnanimous muscles to the groan of the crowd. "I'm gonna pound these guys into the ground! I'm gonna rip them limb from limb! Just you watch!"
"We believe in you, Kid!" a beautiful brunette shouted from the crowd.
"Let's just hope we don't regret those words..." her blue-haired compatriot muttered.
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!
I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
When I got a nasty paper cut
And, well, to make a long story short
It got infected and I died,
So now, I'm up in Heaven with St. Peter by the pearly gates
And it's obvious he doesn't like the
Nehru jacket that I'm wearing.
He tells me that they've got a dress code.
"You guys are wimps!" Gara taunted. "I could take each and every one of you out myself!"
"Just try it, little shinobi," Kevin threatened in his menacingly British accent.
Dark Schneider chuckled... well, darkly. "It's obvious that you idiots are no match for us altogether. However, to prove to you that I'm not all bad, I'll vouch for a special kind of match setup."
"And what would that be, igzactly?" Terry asked with a stereotypical southern drawl.
"Here me out," the fire wizard offered. "Each of us will fight one round and one round only. Whichever team wins three-out-of-five will be the victor."
Team Muscle huddled. "It's true that their team has more members of adequate quality than our own," Mask said.
"Hey!" Dik Dik protested.
"Interesting that you automatically assume I was talking about you..." Kevin quipped.
"Okay, so what yew're sayin'," Terry whispered, "Izzat they've got less of a gap in abilities between 'em than we do, right?"
Kevin sighed, "Yes. The strongest of us would have to shoulder the weight of the opponents the weaker would be unable to defeat. I think it's best if we take their offer. They most likely feel rather confident in their ability to win..."
"Okay, let's do that!" Kid Muscle agreed. Breaking, the spandex-clad alien announced bravely, "Alright, Schneider!"
"Don't call me that!!"
"We accept your terms," the young Kinnikuman finished.
"In that case," Gara said flippantly, leaping over the ropes that had apparently been installed over night, "I'll be the first to fight, if you don't mind."
Kevin Mask climbed into the ring with malice in his step. "Very well, then. I shall have the honor of breaking you in front of all these people."
Gara drew his mystical katana from his belt. "You can certainly try." Taking his stance, he waited for the opening bell to ring.
"RING!!" the bell bellowed.
"Feh," Kevin grunted as Gara slashed at him. He simply sidestepped the attack and backhanded the ninja across the jaw. When the strike did nothing but annoy his opponent, the knight weaved back from the ferocious follow-up flurry of fury.
"My, my. That's one ferocious follow-up flurry of fury," Mac Metaphor stole from the author. "But it seems that Kevin is easily evading the swarm of saucy strikes!"
"That's right, Mac," Doc interjected, "You see—" Suddenly, a white-booted foot descended upon the old man's head, causing his mic, along with his wig, to fly upward.
Piccolo caught both the wig and mic and placed them neatly on his head. "You see, Mac, Kevin is utilizing a strategy first seen in his battle against Kid Muscle in the Choujin Crown. His focus is on nothing but evading his foe's attacks, thereby wasting no energy at all. This doesn't mean he's entirely defensive, though. He can switch from serene evasion to brutal attack in a fraction of a second."
"Hey," Mac grumbled. "I was going to say that!"
"I don't know how they do it where you come from," Piccolo retorted, "But around these parts, I'm the one who has all the answers. And I'm not sharing!" With that, he ejected his purple tongue from his mouth.
"Why you..." Doc threatened.
"Whoa!" Mac exclaimed, completely oblivious to the conflict. "It looks like Kevin has just unleashed some of that offensive power of his. And when I say 'offensive power,' I actually do mean he's started kicking the crap out of Gara."
"I don't know why you felt the need to explain that," Kid Muscle commented. Everyone stared at him warily. "Wh-what?"
Kevin cleared his throat. "Anyway, where were we?"
"Ah, I believe you were delivering a nicely executed uppercut, which you were about to follow with a vicious stomp, and, at that point, I was going to grab your rapidly descending foot, then twist your ankle, causing you to collapse to the ground," Gara supplied.
"Thank you, sir," Kevin Mask said before delivering a nicely executed uppercut, which was followed by a vicious stomp. Gara, however, grabbed his rapidly descending foot, and then twisted his ankle, causing the knight to collapse to the ground.
Maneuvering himself to lock Kevin's leg behind him, Gara glanced smugly at the author of this fanfiction. "Now who's stealing from whom?" He plainly ignored the fact that it was already in the script to begin with. "Liar... as if there were actually a script!"
"Indeed, this is little more than a mediocre jeu d'es prit," the traitorous Kevin agreed, obviously forgetting the fact that the author controls all, including one's... performance. "But, uh, enough breaking the fourth wall! Let's get to it."
"My pleasure," Gara responded, pulling back sharply on the still-grounded knight.
Kevin clenched his hands into fists and gritted his unseen teeth. "Now you've done it, shinobi. I'll destroy you with the power of... the Maelstrom technique!" With that, a golden aura surrounded him and his ki rose dramatically. He kicked his held leg, tossing his captor into the ropes as he lifted himself to his feet. By now, even his hair had transformed into a turbulent saffron hue.
"Oh, my God, Ma--" Doc began.
"Oh, my God, Mac!!!" Piccolo hollered over the bald man like a drunken frat boy. "This is the famed Maelstrom technique of the Mask Family! All that is known about it is that the practitioner's hair turns gold and his power and abilities increase by an indeterminate amount! Why, it's pretty much exactly like the Super Saiyajin technique!"
"Hey, he's right!" Mirai no Trunks realized. "Do you think there's any connection?"
"Nah," Mirai no Chibi Trunks dismissed. "It's just coincidence." The purple-haired Saiyajin had obviously never heard of the author of this fanfic's motto (one of 'em, anyway): Nothing is coincidence... not even the fact that wieners are shaped exactly like... the Empire State Building!
Dark Schneider cocked an eyebrow. "Well, this is certainly an interesting occurrence. His power level is phenomenal."
"That it is," Gara agreed as he righted himself. "Too bad it's not as phenomenal as mine. Now I'll fight you at full power." Dashing forth, he began to slash at Kevin at a swifter pace than ever before. The golden knight could do nothing but dodge and parry with his bracers, and, even so, his armor was being slowly chipped away.
"Damn!" Kevin cursed. "Even with my Maelstrom power at full burn, I can't seem to find an opening."
Gara ceased his attack all at once and drove his knee hard into the knight's gut. Holding his katana high, he then struck the back of Kevin's helmet with the butt of his sword. "You don't get how weak you are, do you? We're the Four Lords of Havoc, and our power is limitless."
"Is... is that what you think?" Kevin menaced as began to stand. "Do you really think that you are the height of power? Well, you are a fool if that's the case." His body began to glow even more brightly. His entire body, in fact, seemed to become a part of his golden aura. "I said before that my Maelstrom power was at its maximum. Actually, I lied. You see, this is me when my Maelstrom power and my body are in full sync!" With that declaration, he began to pummel the surprised Gara.
In the stands, Ranma became motionless as he seemed to concentrate on something. A small grin began to work its way across his face.
"R-Ranma?" Akane stuttered. "A-are you awake?"
Yusuke snorted. "No. He's just beginning to feel the fight heat up. I think he likes it."
Ryoko laughed. "Well, I'm sure the kid's really gonna like it when he takes these guys on for himself." Her expression then became serious. "Hmm. That Mask guy is really putting out some power. I'd say it's close to the amount that Goku was giving out before he... you know... got trapped in a frog's body. This Gara guy seems to be barely holding his own, but he also seems to be the weakest member."
Yusuke nodded. "Yeah. We'll all need a major boost in power if we're gonna take these guys down; not just Ranma."
"Oh, well," Gene sighed. "As long as Jim is workin' with that Washu chick, maybe I'll get some cool new shells." He stretched lazily and yawned. "I guess this round'll be over in no less than five minutes now that Mr. Mask there has the advantage..."
- - -
An hour later:
"Damn, kid," Gara complained as he stone-fisted his opponent in the faceplate. "You just don't quit do you?"
The bloodied Kevin shakily arose to glare at his equally battered foe. "Likewise, I see. You have endurance, I'll give you that much. Anyone who can stand up to two Maelstrom-empowered Big Ben Bashes deserves that much recognition."
"Thanks," Gara growled as he picked up his discarded katana, "But now I'm gonna have to finish you off. You're in no condition now to dodge my long-distance slashes."
Kevin's head bowed as he felt his power slipping away. Even his golden aura was beginning to fade away. His teammates' cries of support were of no consequence to him, either. There was no way he could come back from this.
"Son!" the summons was heard across the stadium, and caused everyone, even Gara, to stop what he or she was doing and look to the source of the voice.
"Can it be?" Mac wondered in amazement.
"It is!" Doc confirmed. "The father of Kevin Mask and former--"
"Former Champion, Robin Mask!!!" Piccolo interjected, stomping on Doc's head once again.
"Father?" Kevin murmured in a barely audible voice. "What... what are you doing here?"
The older and far less armored knight folded his arms across his chest and glared at his son, saying in his very Sean Conneryesque voice, "I saw that you were getting the crap beat out of you, boy, so I've come to offer some advice."
"Advice?" Kevin queried. "From you?"
"To win, you must put all your feelings into this match!" Robin declared. "You must reach into your soul and find--"
"Okay, I think we've heard enough," Gara said, slashing at the old man with his katana. The resulting wave of power struck Robin Mask in the face, causing him to perform the classic martial artist twist-fall technique. "That oughtta take care of that..."
"Daddy!" Kevin called out in dismay. "N-no... you... you bastard!" His golden aura reemerged, and his hair transformed once more. "I'll destroy you for what you've done!"
- - -
A cloaked figure smirked under his hood as he felt a familiar awakening. "How interesting. I shall have to adjust my plans to deal with this, I suppose." He pulled back his hood over his purple, spiked-up hair. "Then I, Trunks, Prince of all Saiyajin, shall rule the multiverse! Hahahahahahaaaa!"
- - -
"Whoa!" Gara exclaimed. "His power just jumped tremendously!"
"That's right... and that means you're finished," the knight growled as he advanced on his foe.
Gara sighed mournfully. "Well, I guess the author had to have someone beat one of us, eh?"
"Too right," Kevin retorted as he plowed his fist into the ninja's stomach, launching him high into the air. To the audience's amazement, the area surrounding them began to flash with some kind of special effects as the masked wrestler jumped up, meeting the floundering Gara in mid-air.
"What's this? The secret special move of the..." Doc Nakano began before he was interrupted.
"The Secret Special Move of the Mask Family!" Piccolo shouted, his foot pressing Doc's face into the announcing table. "The Robin Special!"
As Kevin descended to the ring holding Gara tightly between his legs... ew... he put his hands forward, causing a loud thud as he collided with the ring. The handstand-like position transferred all of the force of the impact to Gara's neck, snapping it in twain.
"Ooh, that looked like it hurt!" Mac yelled above the clamor of the audience.
Dropping The Ninja's limp body to the ground, he tossed Gara's corpse on top of it. "That takes care of that! With this power, I could take on your whole team!"
"Well, it's too bad that you agreed to our terms, then, isn't it?" Dark Schneider asked smugly.
"Indeed," Kevin conceded as he sulked out of the ring. The other Team Muscle members gathered to him, with accolades all around; however, the young Mask quickly remembered, "Father!"
Kevin rushed to where his father had fallen, and the elder Mask popped up directly before his son reached him. "Ugh... son... what happened?"
Several gasps were heard from many of the onlookers. Robin Mask's mask had been cut clean of its owner's face, and almost everyone in the stadium could recognize that spiky hair, those dazed eyes, and that goofy grin. In fact, except for the old scar on his right cheek, he looked exactly like...
"Goku?!"
Kaeru-Goku cocked his amphibian head in confusion. "Rrrrt, brrrrkh?" he croaked.
"Yes," Genma's sign read. "It is impossible for your possessed body to be dead, you to be a frog, and, yet, for you in your own body be right over there at the same time."
"What?" Robin Mask asked. "Who is this 'Goku,' and why do they seem to think that I am he?"
By that time, Bulma had made her way down to the two knights. She immediately began examining Robin's face, pulling and tugging at various fleshy locations. Stepping back from the confused man, she made her observation. "Well, you're definitely not Goku even though you look very much like him. Not only is there the fact that his body is most likely in Hell by now and his soul is trapped in a frog's body..."
"That's absurd!" Robin interjected. "But oddly credible."
"There are very minor structural differences, not to mention your skin texture and coloring is off, but I'd definitely conclude that you're related." She paused, thinking. "Another long-lost brother or cousin, maybe? Or his father or uncle? How old are you, anyway?"
Robin Mask flushed slightly. "Well, I'm not entirely sure..."
"Not sure?" Bulma posed dubiously. "How can you be not sure?!"
"Well, you see," Robin began, "I sustained amnesia somehow as an adult. My family found me lying in a smoking hole in the ground and brought me home. I was delusional for quite a while, shouting out vegetable names and such, but, after my adopted mother hit me over the head a few dozen times with a mallet, they quickly subsided. And that," he concluded, "Was how I came to be a member of the Mask Family."
"Hmmm... indeed," Piccolo mused.
"Sweet Mary, man!" Robin shouted. "Don't sneak up on an old man!"
"So... let me guess. One of the 'vegetables' you called out was a burdock, correct?" Piccolo inquired.
"Oh, yes," Robin answered. "It was one of our little family jokes. I had thought that I was a burdock root, apparently, and I was looking for a carrot."
"Let me clear things up, then," Piccolo offered. "I think you actually thought—knew, in fact—that you were Bardock, and you were looking for Kakkarot... your son!"
Robin and Kevin both gasped. "What are you implying?!" the younger asked.
"You see, somehow Bardock must have escaped the destruction of planet Vegeta and followed his son here to Earth." Piccolo went on. "If Robin is, in fact, Bardock, that would explain this so-called Maelstrom technique. To prove it, take off your mask Kevin."
"Well, I suppose," Kevin relented. "After all, I don't have to die if I take it off like some people..." he gazed meaningfully at the young Kinnikuman, and then removed his helmet.
"Whoa," Bulma commented. "He looks a lot like Goku, too, except for the hair... and his skin is much rosier."
"Now use this 'Maelstrom,'" Piccolo ordered.
"Very well," the young knight said as he began his transformation. His hair, as before, turned gold, but now it could be clearly seen that his eyes went from deep brown to green.
"Yep," Piccolo said. "Definitely Super Saiyajin."
Mirai no Chibi Trunks came up and examined the golden-haired Kevin Mask. "Wow... so it is." He folded his arms across his chest and transformed in a flash to Super Saiyajin. "See, I can do it, too."
"So can we," Mirai no Trunks said as he and the other Trunks (aside from Present Trunks, of course) all went SSJ.
"Oh, and, of course, little Gohan is quite the little Super Saiyajin," Bulma said, gesturing toward Goku's fourteen year old son.
"Mary, mother of God!" Robin swore. "That kid is the spitting image of my son at that age!"
"Oh, sorry," Bulma said. "Gohan, I thought your mother told you not to spit in front of strangers!"
"Sorry, Bulma san," Gohan said.
"That's incredible!" Robin Mask blustered. "But... you know the second match is already under way..."
"I'd say it's already finished..." Kevin added. Indeed, the wintry Kall-Su had frozen all the ice on the ring, and was currently beating the Hell out of Terry Kanyon. Hell, however, wasn't going without a fight.
"The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" Kall-Su chanted as he slapped Terry repeatedly.
"Nevaaah!" The glowing-eyed Terry roared as his head swiveled around and he spewed pea soup out of his mouth.
"Wow," Kid Muscle observed. "Imagine Terry getting possessed by Satan, himself..."
"You shall taste the power of frozen holy water!" Kall-Su warned as he used his powers to make Terry do just that.
"No~o!" Terry lamented as his body began to smoke. His neck suddenly swelled to an unbelievable size, and, after retching several times because of the massive form inside his throat, he finally spat out Satan.
Everyone stared incredulously at the afroed world champion, who slowly and timidly stood up. Adopting a bolder expression, he raised a peace sign to the sky and announced, "It was a joke!!" to the cheers of his adoring fans.
to be continued...
_______________________________________________________________________
Yay! Wasn't this just the funnest chapter? We told you you'd encounter Satan, didn't we? And if you didn't just die at the end (on account of all the lame humor), well, we just haven't done our jobs correctly, have we?