The King's Word

by CJBH

Set after S4, and aiming to stay as close as possible to the series' characters and it's "feel". Morgana has a dream of the future and uses this knowledge to set in motion a train of events designed to bring Arthur to his knees and to change the future of Camelot forever. This may or may not interfere with Series 5, takes from one version of the legend.

14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Merlin tossed under his thin blanket. The ground was hard, but that wasn't the reason he couldn't sleep. He knew that Arthur would be awake, and Merlin wanted to somehow make things better between himself and the king. So he rolled back the blanket, got to his feet, and headed over to where Arthur's figure was silhouetted in the darkness. What he didn't know was that Arthur had also been craving his company. The words the Kilgarrah had spoken so long ago still held true for them: a half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole.

Arthur didn't move as he saw Merlin approach, and he waited for his friend to speak.

"I'm so sorry Arthur. I was an idiot. I just wanted to help. I just know how badly you and Gwen….". His voice trailed off slightly before he added the last words "…. wanted children".

"You don't need to apologise again. You've already said sorry, and I know you meant it."

Arthur paused. "And I know I haven't been very easy to live with since we….." (again the words "lost Thomas" seemed too hard to say) "….since it happened. I'm sorry."

"Arthur – you're not the one who needs to apologise."

It was Merlin who paused this time before continuing, and he decided to take a risk: "Do you want to talk about it?"

Arthur shook his head, and looked away, as if he didn't trust himself to speak, or even look at Merlin, at that point. A few moments of silence passed between them. He looked at Arthur again, and it seemed to him that Arthur was only just managing to remain in control. He still couldn't look at Merlin, or properly answer his question. But then he said it: "I'm scared to, Merlin".

Merlin didn't push him but just waited to see if Arthur would take it further. But when Arthur spoke again, still looking away, it wasn't much more than a choked whisper. "I don't know what will happen if I do".

Merlin knew that for the second time in just a few hours he was seeing something in Arthur that he'd never seen before – but this time it was Arthur being completely open with him and sharing his weakness at a far deeper level than he'd ever done. He also realised how close to the edge Arthur was. He answered the king's comment in a gentle tone: "Does that matter?"

It took Arthur a moment or two to compose himself enough to reply: "As king, I can't afford to take that risk." After that he spoke no more. And Merlin understood: it was duty again.

So Merlin just sat with Arthur, with neither of them saying a word, but each grateful for the company of the other. Merlin, tired as he was from the previous night's wanderings, soon slipped back into sleep now that he felt at ease with Arthur again. But as Merlin slept Arthur tried, as best as he could, to reinforce the defences in his mind and heart behind which he could hide his heartache: the awful sensation of falling, falling, ever deeper with nothing to hold on to; his fear that he wouldn't be able to keep going as king and the deeper fear that he was going mad; the guilt that gnawed away at his soul, telling him that he should have protected Guinevere - that he should have protected Thomas – better, and that he was somehow responsible for all that had happened; and the simple truth that when he had finally looked upon his son and held his lifeless form in his arms, his world had fallen apart.