She knew it was hopeless, that the possibility was so remote, not even the most thrill-seeking gamblers would take the odds, but still, Padme hoped that by now Anakin might have calmed down, might have let his manipulated mind see sense and she might find him waiting for her, ready to talk. But as the Senator rushed into her bedroom, her body heaved a great, disappointed sigh to find it empty. He hadn't come. So that meant he was still angry with her, that he still believed in what Palpatine said… By the Force, despite being born without a violent tendency, Padme wished nothing but horrors upon that man for the distance he'd placed between her and Anakin and the damage it'd caused their marriage. The longer this went on, the more irreparable it became, and she just didn't know what to do.
Who could she turn to for advice? Her friends? Mainly, they were her staff – the ones that knew about her marriage anyway, that was. And by knowing what they knew, their wellbeing was threatened from so many sides… The people she trusted to know her secrets knew too much already, and Padme feared what turning to them now may cause. Someone could betray her and spill her secrets to anyone who'd be willing to pay to hear them. She feared they already had, how else was Palpatine able to receive security footage from here? No, she couldn't speak with them.
Her family? While there were many things they knew about Padme's marriage and children, there were also a great many they did not. Quite simply, there were things that a woman sometimes didn't desire her mother, father or sister to know about… These severe problems between her and Anakin were one of them. It was private, their business, no one else's. But she needed someone to listen, to understand her thoughts and feelings so she knew she wasn't crazy! Who? There was no one.
Never in her life, had Padme felt so utterly alone.
Lip trembling, she stepped out of her bedroom again and began down the short hall to check on Luke. It was late, but she needed to make sure he was alright before she could settle. Not that Padme imagined she'd have any rest tonight. Sighing again, her arm reached out to press down on the button to open the doors with what little energy she had left. Once the doors pulled apart, Padme saw him – saw them both. Luke was blissfully asleep curled up warmly within his boyish blue blankets, peaceful as always and if things were different, Padme would have smiled. But her attention only focused on the little boy for a moment, for her eyes almost immediately snapped to her husband where he too was asleep by their son's bedside. So he had come... Just not to her.
If their roles were switched, she would like to believe that her faith in him was strong enough to rise about Palpatine's lies. That if she were presented with a holo of Anakin kissing another and he claimed it wasn't real, she would stand by him… Wouldn't she? The holo looked so real… Everyone in that room with the exception of Bail probably thought what they saw was true too, but Padme cared nothing for what her peers thought of her right now, their opinions weren't what was important. But she did care about Anakin. And the beautiful, fragile heart he'd placed into her palms which Palpatine was trying to take away for reasons she didn't understand.
Although her feet ached horribly, and her spine roared in protest, Padme carefully eased herself down beside her husband on the floor and gently carded her fingers through his soft tousled hair. She missed him… It felt like they were thousands of parsecs away from one another despite physically being so close. She'd never felt further away from him. Anakin was her best friend, the person she shared countless little jokes with, flirted with, laughed with… They told each other everything despite the difficulty that came with always being honest about their feelings. He was more than just her husband or father of her children, he was her partner, her other half… And he was being pulled away from her faster than she could reach out to pull him back. They were all fighting over him, Padme, the Jedi, Palpatine… They were pulling and pushing and he was being torn apart before her very eyes.
Usually, if they were in a fight so intense that words alone could not resolve their differences, Padme had found there were other means to find forgiveness. One which in all their years of marriage had never failed… Sex. No disagreement had ever been able to withstand their passion for each other, and if it were any other time, any other moment, she might have tried. But the time they lived in was now, and now Padme couldn't imagine anything worse than enduring the act. Not because she desired him less than she always had, but she was exhausted. Her body was utterly drained and ached from carrying around the extra weight and laying on her back for any longer for a few minutes hurt, and it would be far too vigorous if she were to be the one on – well, it didn't really matter did it? Padme wasn't sure he'd even have her if she offered… He believed what Palpatine said, which meant he believed that she and Obi-wan had betrayed him in the worst of ways. The most intimate.
Padme wished she had the courage to wake him, but the very fact that he slept was a small miracle in itself. Since the nightmares started, she knew how difficult it'd been for him to rest. Those nightmares were ruining him… They were ruining their lives. Ruining their final days together. She could feel it in her back, the building pressure and it only meant one thing… Within the next day or two, the little one would be making her way into the world and Padme… She wouldn't be here to make things right.
"Oh, Ani…" She whispered, stroking his cheek. "I love you… I don't think that I tell you enough – that I ever told you enough…" Twin tears fell upon her cheeks as she spoke. "But I do… And no matter what, I always will. Always." She leaned forward to press her lips to his cheek and lingered here for several moments. When would she have a chance to do this again? To feel his arms around her again? To wake up to his gentle snores first thing in the morning? Would she get to see he and Luke playing together again? Or see him with the baby, just once? She sniffled and brought a hand to her mouth to hold back the sob that threatened to escape. Anakin always felt she put her work above their marriage, that she put duty first, and it was true, she was guilty of that. These last few weeks especially… She just had so little time left that she wanted – needed to make it mean something. She'd wanted the war to end, to see the back of Palpatine's days in office, to leave behind something for her children – peace and security. She'd thrown herself into her meetings with Bail, Mon and the others, into Senate hearings and long talks with the Queen and in doing that, Padme knew what she'd sacrificed. She knew what she'd sacrificed all throughout the war by burying herself in her work… How many times had Anakin been granted leave time only to spend it waiting around the apartment for her return? How many meetings with Luke's teachers had she rescheduled or simply missed?
How many times had Anakin suggested going away together, all three of them, somewhere they wouldn't have to pretend just for a little while? How many times did she choose work instead? She'd achieved so much in her professional life, more than most beings her age certainly… She was acclaimed, beloved by her people and highly respected in the Senate. But for what? A legacy? Perhaps a statue somewhere in Theed? She could have been making memories with her family with all the hours she'd spent behind a desk. What was Luke going to remember as he grew up? Kisses goodbye in the morning? Force, she and Anakin had never even been able to just take him to the little swing parks he loved!
She wasn't there when Anakin taught Luke how to swim… She'd gone back inside to take a holonet call with the Queen, even after he'd asked her not to… The memory hadn't really bothered Padme until now. It hadn't been a very big deal to her – she was taught to swim by her sister, not her parents after all. It was never a special moment in her eyes. But when she thought back to that warm day on the beach, all Padme remembered was the sound of Anakin and Luke's laughter drifting into her office through the open window while she spoke of trade negotiations… She'd give anything to see the moment Anakin let go and Luke's little arms and legs flailed in the water to find balance. She should have been in the water with them, splashing and playing along too.
But then, Padme was never very good at being silly. She wasn't the playful parent that had never been up for debate. She could still remember the moment when Luke was around three or four, when he'd toddled into her office, clutching the starship toy Anakin had acquired for him whilst on some mission or another and looked at her with his big blue eyes and asked, "Will you play with me?" It was then she'd realised she had absolutely no idea what to do in that respect. So she'd continued typing up her bill and let Captain Typho play with him instead…
Remembering that now broke her heart.
Padme wasn't a bad mother, she knew that. She provided for her son well, she saw that he received the best education… She loved him more than any words could describe. But she wasn't very good with young children. Anakin always had to drag her into his and Luke's games whether it was with toys or blades or simple imagination, and Padme had more often than not just sit there, stiffly, unsure what she was to do. But she was good with story time… Luke loved her stories, especially the story of how Queen Amidala defeated the Trade Federation… He hadn't quite pieced together exactly who the Queen was quite yet. He always came to her over Anakin for stories, because her ability far surpassed his. His stories were clumsy and rushed and though full of adventure, left many questions which always bothered Luke. He liked closure in his happy endings.
There was a Senate meeting due the day after tomorrow, though Palpatine hadn't specified just what he needed to say, he'd made it clear that all must attend. Padme decided there, in that very moment that she would attend, and after… No more work. What little time she had left was going to be spent with her son and her husband, making amends and memories and she was going to try harder to take part in their games, to be better at playing. Her work fulfilled her, that was true. What she did helped people, not only her people, but people all across the Galaxy and that was what drove her every day and night to do what she did. Padme took the greatest pride possible in knowing that her efforts had made a difference. But it wasn't about her anymore. It couldn't be.
Someone else would step up to take care of the people of the Galaxy, because Padme Amidala had done enough for one lifetime and her legacy would prove that. But for these final days of her life, Padme Skywalker needed to work on a different kind of legacy. One far more important to her family that would have to continue on when she couldn't. She needed to be a wife and a mother, not a Senator. And that was exactly what she was going to do.
A/N: So, this was originally a part of the next chapter, that's why it's so short. But upon rereading it, I realised it needed to be on its own despite the length in order to really let the emotions flow uninterrupted. Poor Padme… They always say it's what you didn't do you regret, not what you did. Leave a review and let me know what you think!