AN: Thank you to all who have been reading this story. Thank you to EasterViolet, xseikax, csorciere, for your reviews. I also feel an enormous amount of gratitude for my beta, Shakespira, whose suggestions and support make this story happen.

BioWare owns all.

Chapter 14. I Am Not A Monster…

Karras went to sit by the dungeon entrance and the boy now looked confused and wary. Cullen took another chair and sat in front of him, looking in the boy's eyes. Cullen was direct. "I am going to have food brought in as well as wash water and clothes. I am also going to have someone come tend to your wounds"

The boy crossed his arms. "Why do you care? It's not like your being nice to me is going to make me tell you where they are."

Cullen's voice was firm. "I am not being nice, just efficient. You're useless to us if you die, and I prefer not to have my nose continually assailed by the stench. Not kind, just practical. Now tell me where you're injured."

The boy listed his various injuries. Then Cullen went to Karras. "Ser Karras, is there a Tranquil to administer healing poultices and the like?"

"Aye, there is. I don't know why you're wasting your time though."

I wouldn't be if you had treated him as a prisoner and not an animal. "In this you need to trust me. As Knight-Commander I never gave you interrogation assignments because I thought them to be a waste of your skills. Was I wrong?"

Ser Karras shook his head. "No, you were the first Knight-Commander to see that. I'll get everything you need. I have a female Tranquil who handles poultices, I'll bring her down too."

Cullen put his hand on Karras' shoulder. "Thank you. By the way, it's good to see you again."

"Same to you Knight-C… Ser Cullen."

While they waited, Cullen asked, "You're clearly of age, do you really want to be called 'boy'?"

"I ain't giving you my name."

"You don't have to, just make one up."

"Jake, call me Jake."

"All right, Jake, I'm Ser Cullen." Cullen paused for a moment as if he were thinking. "While we wait, why don't you tell me about yourself."

Jake just glared at Cullen.

"It's a simple question. I'm not trying to trick you, just understand you."

"Why?" Jake asked suspiciously.

"Because you're not a wild animal, you're a young man, and I have questions I wish to ask."

"I'm not telling you where they are."

Cullen's tone was curt. "Have I asked you that?"

Jake shook his head.

"I simply asked you to tell me about yourself. I can tell from your accent that you're Fereldan. I am too. How long have you been in Kirkwall?"

"Three years."

"Why here? Kirkwall is a dung heap."

The corner of Jake's mouth twitched up. "But you're here."

"Yes, I was ordered here. You must be a half-wit to have chosen to come to Kirkwall."

Jake's shoulders straightened at the insult. "I didn't choose it either."

"Then why in the Maker's name are you here? Were you forced? Is there someone who abused you—aside from Ser Karras?"

"I was protecting my sister."

"How is bringing her here considered protection?"

Jake crossed his arms. "Why are you here? You'd have to have been a real screw-up to be sent to this dung heap."

Cullen gave him a half-smile, but his answer was direct and brutally honest. "When the blood mages took over the tower in Kinloch Hold, my mind and soul were continually tortured by a Demon of Desire. The Grey Wardens saved the Tower, and I was rescued…but I was half-crazy and enraged from the torture. After a few months, they sent me here because it was safer for everyone if I was no longer at Kinloch.

"What did the demon do?"

Cullen took a deep breath and let it out. "You know that Templars take a vow of chastity?"

Jake nodded.

"When I was at the Circle, there was a mage named Solana. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was graceful, intelligent, kind… I could go on, but I'll spare you the details."

"You fell in love with her?"

Cullen nodded. "I never approached her or did anything that would jeopardize my vows. But yes, I was deeply in love with her. The Desire Demon took those feelings and twisted them, trying to make me believe I was doing unspeakable and heinous things to Solana, trying to get me to believe the Demon was Solana..." Cullen's face reflected the pain he felt at reliving those memories.

Jake thought about what Cullen had said. "Why didn't you just leave the Templars?"

"Because my vows are irrevocable and because I am a man of faith."

Jake sighed, his shoulder's sagged, and he lowered his head. "We lived in Dragon's Peak. My parents were going to force my sister to marry some lecherous old codger who was the Bann's cousin."

Cullen nodded knowingly. "Your parents wanted the match to increase their station."

"Father did, Mother didn't. She gave us money to escape Ferelden. We got on the first cargo ship we could."

"A cargo ship? Women can be…taken advantage of on those. It could have been much worse than the marriage.

Jake bristled a bit. "I'm not completely stupid. The first night I didn't sleep. We sat in a corner and I sat in front of Sel…my sister. The next day a man and woman helped me keep watch, and when we got to Kirkwall, they said that they knew people who could get us settled in."

Cullen spoke knowingly, "Are you sure they didn't want anything further?"

"No! Josie and Garrett just wanted to help!"

Cullen kept talking so Jake wouldn't realize his mistake. "So you ended up in Kirkwall. I can imagine it must have been really hard at first. Darktown is disgusting."

Jake sat up proudly. "We lived in Lowtown. I would never have exposed my sister to that pit."

Cullen acted dismissive. "You two…living in Lowtown? Right. Pull the other leg Jake, it has bells on it."

Jake was incensed by Cullen's accusation. "I'm not lying. Lara and Aiden gave us our own rooms!"

Cullen nodded; his expression was smug. "And what did they want in return?"

"You conceited bugger! They didn't want anything. They were just being nice!"

The poor kid, he really has no idea. Cullen looked at Jake and mocked him. "Oh yes, I'm sure they were nice. Nice enough to leave you behind. They sacrificed you, so they could get away."

Jake was indignant. "They didn't sacrifice me! When the Templars showed up, everyone ran and they said they would take Selina with them, to protect her. All I had to do was deal with the Templars."

Cullen arched an eyebrow and shook his head; his voice was laden with sarcasm. "Really?"

Jake was still fuming. "Yes, 'really,' you prig."

Cullen sighed. "And I thought you were smarter than that. Why do you think the Templar's showed up in the first place?"

Cullen stood up and turned from Jake as if to end the questioning.

Jake called to him. "Cullen, what do you mean?

Cullen knew that the seeds of doubt had taken root. He turned back. "Templars don't just show up unless there are apostates to capture. Your 'friends' are apostates. Leaving you 'to deal with the Templars,' gave them time to escape and get you out of the way at the same time."

"Yeah, then why did they tell me where they were hiding?"

"Why not? They knew you were willing to die to protect your sister. Good job. Apart from dying, you did just what they needed you to do."

Jake stood up; rage distracted him from his pain, as he bellowed, "You're lying! They would never have done that!"

Cullen's voice took on a note of disappointment. "Jake, I've told you about one of the most painful experiences of my life, why would I lie about this?"

Jake began to deflate, and slowly sank into his chair. Cullen just watched him and waited.

"Why would they do that?" Jake's voice reflected the fear that was starting to consume him.

Cullen pitied the young man. "Jake, they are most likely blood mages who wanted your sister for some heinous ritual. You were doomed the moment you boarded that ship. Why do you think they wanted to help you protect your sister? Did they ever perform magic in front of you?

Jake nodded. "Yes, but it was harmless stuff."

"Would they have taken your sister if their magic was harmless?"

Cullen could see the painful confusion on Jake's face, as if a war had broken out inside of his mind. He was silent. Karras brutalized Jake and now I've had to trick the boy into divulging information, only to discover Apostates had duped the young man and kidnapped his sister. He was simply trying to protect her, just like Val had for Bethany. I hope with all my heart that it isn't too late to save Selina, not only for her sake but also for his - the guilt would tear him apart. The mere thought of guilt brought an image of Merrill's Tranquil face to his mind and it took all of his will to push that image out of his mind and focus on the task at hand.

Cullen waited, until the Jake looked at him again. His voice was calm but firm. "We can't save you sister if we can't find her."

Jake looked up. "You won't hurt her?"

"Why would we save her from Maleficarum just to harm her?"

Tears ran down Jake's face leaving streaks as they washed away some of the filth. "They said they were going to an abandoned Tevinter cave below Sundermount. Please, save my sister. Please." Jake pleaded to Cullen.

The holding caves. "If she still lives, we will. What is your real name?"

"Jake." He smiled ruefully.

Cullen simply put his hand on the boys shoulder. "You're a good lad to want to protect your sister."

Karras entered with a Tranquil named Idunna. Cullen remembered her; she was part of the group that was kidnapping templar recruits. She was a blood mage, why didn't they kill her?

Karras noticed. "Yes, it's her. Turns out she's real good with potions and poultices. She supplied them to the other whores at the Rose."

"A useful skill, given some of the…clientele."

While Jake washed and Idunna cleaned his wounds and applied poultices to help his bones knit, Cullen told Karras where the apostates were hiding.

Karras shook his head. "You haven't lost your touch."

Cullen shrugged his shoulders. "His sister's name is Selina and she was kidnapped by apostates going by the names of Garrett, Lara, Josie and Aiden. They are, probably, Maleficarum. His sister must be rescued, she is an innocent in all this."

"You sure?"

Cullen smiled and simply looked at Karras.

Karras grinned, "You do beat all, Ser Cullen. Come on, let's tell the Knight-Commander."

~oOOo~

After a party of Templars was dispatched to find the Maleficarum holding Jake's sister, the young man was moved to quarters within the Circle and placed under the supervision of Idunna. He would remain there until the Templars returned.

Masurian offered Cullen the use of a room and bath so he could rest up. The Knight-Commander used the opportunity to hear Karras' report.

Within the hour, Karras was sitting in the Knight-Commander's office, having just told him what happened in the dungeon. Masurian looked very unhappy. "You've had two days with the boy and Cullen succeeded in twenty minutes. Is that what you're telling me?"

"Yes, Knight-Commander. Ser Cullen was our best interrogator."

"I have read Knight-Commander Stannard's records. I already know that. What I didn't know was how he did it. That was your task and you weren't in the room to find out! You could have simply called for another to fetch what Cullen requested. What were you thinking?"

"I'm sorry Knight-Commander. I am used to following Ser Cullen's orders both as Knight-Captain and as Knight-Commander. I didn't think – "

"No you didn't. You said they were talking when you arrived?"

"I only heard one sentence 'You're a good lad to want to protect your sister.' "

"Was the boy afraid of Cullen?"

"No, Knight-Commander."

"I can only assume he actually talked to the boy and he divulged the information. I hate assumptions, but you've left me with no choice other than to ask to Cullen directly. If I had wanted to do that I would never have have never asked you to watch him!"

"I apologize, Knight-Commander."

"Dismissed!"

Masurian needed to know how Cullen achieved what Karras could not. He needed to make sure that Cullen had not been poisoned by whatever had taken over Meredith. He needed no demons in disguise. Now, because Karras screwed up so badly, I have to ask Cullen and watch him closely as he answers.

An hour later, Cullen was seated across from the Knight-Commander. He knew this would be about the interrogation. If he wanted to see if I could be as brutish as Karras, then I failed miserably. Deep inside, Cullen was glad that he'd failed. I need something to hold onto to prevent me from becoming the monster I have fear that I have started to become.

"Cullen, how did you manage to get the boy to divulge the information?"

Cullen recounted his interrogation to Masurian, who listened intently with the same neutral expression he'd worn during all of the day's interviews. Once Cullen finished, he looked at the Knight-Commander, who leaned back in his chair and stroked his chin. "Is this your typical interrogation technique?"

"Yes, Knight-Commander. I believe I have only had to flog two or three prisoners. Primarily I talk to them. Some can be goaded into the divulging information; some can be tricked or tripped up in their lies. It really depends upon the prisoner."

"Is it true that you kept Karras away from the dungeons while you were Knight-Commander?"

"Yes. He demeans himself and the Order when he interrogates a prisoner. My way is honorable and far more effective."

Masurian stood up. Demeans the Order? That is an interesting way of looking at it. "Karras shall be removed from interrogations duty once he returns. The question i have to answer is 'what do I do with you? '"

Cullen sat silently; he remained calm and waited for Masurian to speak.

The Knight-Commander turned his sharp gaze on the younger man. "Your arrival today was…unexpected, to say the least. When I was told you were here I kept asking myself the same question—'Did the Maker guide him back to us, or do others hold his chain?' Granted it's not the most auspicious way to welcome someone whom the Maker may have led to us, but knowing the truth is critical for us to do the Maker's work. Wouldn't you agree, Ser Cullen?

"Yes, Knight-Commander. A former Knight-Captain comes wandering back to Kirkwall and asks to rejoin the Order? I was not at all surprised that you had reservations." Cullen hid his anger. In an analogous situation, I would have had reservations as well, but I wouldn't have devised heartless tasks to satisfy them.

Masurian nodded. "When I brought you to the prison, I was not aware that there was an apostate who knew you. Clearly she did, and seemed happy to see you, your response to her was appropriate, but I wanted to test the veracity of your harsh words. Which is why I chose the Dalish witch for you to make Tranquil."

Cullen already knew this, so he expression remained impassive. He didn't let himself think that Merrill was chosen to test him; she was the sacrifice.

Masurian watched Cullen and saw nothing untoward in his expression. He sat like a subordinate receiving orders from his commanding officer. Let us see how his demeanor changes. "You successfully completed the Rite and the venom you unleashed on that elf could not be faked. It was then that I realized I had two options—reinstate you as Knight-Captain or execute you for espionage."

Masurian didn't see Cullen flinch. He was just calmly listening to the Knight-Commander.

Cullen nodded. "I understand. Knight-Commander, and I would expect no less."

Masurian was taken aback by this. "You are not worried about the noose?"

"No, Knight-Commander. I have done all that I can to show you that my motives are real. You will either believe me and I will be able to fulfill my duties as a Templar or you won't and I will hopefully go to the Maker's side." Cullen expression reflected the conviction behind his words. "Either is preferable to sitting helplessly while the mages destroy Thedas!" Creators, please let me have convinced him. I can't… Cullen once again pushed his feelings for Renna and his disgust of Masurian to the back of his mind.

Masurian nodded. "That is all, Cullen. You are confined to quarters until I've made my decision."

Cullen stood up and bowed. "Yes, Knight-Commander." Two Templars followed him to his quarters; fear finally began to weave its icy tentacles around Cullen's soul. Only when he was in his room with the door closed, did he allow himself to think like himself, which had become harder to do as the day waned. I am not a monster; I am trying to save lives … I am not a monster; I am trying to save lives… He made this a mantra. If Masurian takes me back, must remember this—I am not a monster; I am trying to save lives.

He lay down on the bed and realized that this would either be the last day of his life or the first day of the rest of his life. To ease the pain, he forced all of the day's events to the back of his mind and let his thoughts turn to images of Renna—her beautiful face, her Vallaslin, her smile. As he saw her in his minds eye, a single tear ran down his cheek. I am not a monster; I am trying to save lives.

Masurian stared at the chair in which Cullen had been sitting. Is he a spy? I knew that he'd had met the Dalish mage before and that she was friendly with the Champion. If he were a spy, could he have still performed the Rite? Would he have gone obediently to the dungeon and successfully interrogated a prisoner? Masurian looked at the file on his desk, which contained Meredith's assessment of Cullen.

~oOOo~

The lyrium smugglers entered the Gallows through a concealed trapdoor. Zevran watched the two men activate the mechanism to open it. He smiled to himself. Unsophisticated, good. That makes things much easier.

After the smugglers went inside, Zevran paused, allowing ten minutes to pass before he carefully opened the trap door, just enough for him to see, but not enough to be noticed. He heard nothing. Again he waited. When he was sure he would not be surprised by the smugglers, he opened the trap door just enough to climb inside. The only light came from a torch on the side of the room, next to the door, which was clearly the exit. Zevran looked around. It smelled like wine, but there were no casks visible. All Zevran could see were large neat piles of filled burlap sacks.

He crept to the closest stack, visually examined them, then delicately cut two fibers from the top of a sack and slid in the tip of his knife. He sniffed at the substance on the end of the blade. Heatherum. He did the same thing to several other sacks in that pile. He found some filled with heatherum, some filled with foxite, and others filled with corruptor agent. These are the basics for poison making—the heatherum and foxite for making the constrictor agent... magebane! Concentrated magebane, of course! All they will need is lyrium dust.

Looking at the other piles, all he found were the usual assortment of herbs used in healing potions. However, as he was searching through the piles, he found a smaller door with no dust in front or around it. This must where the smugglers took the lyrium. Zevran, not wanting to risk being discovered when the smugglers came back, disappeared into the shadows. He only had to wait for a few minutes before he heard the men come back through the door.

"This new Knight-Commander makes no secret 'round here about the Lyrium. Makes the delivery nice and simple, don't it Hardin?"

"I'll say. Of course it helps that the circle is now filled with the Tranquil. The don't care about nothing."

"Them Tranquil give me the creeps, Hardin."

"Rand, the Tranquil give everyone the creeps…well except the Tranquil."

Both men laughed as they proceeded to the trap door.

Zevran waited until the trapdoor was closed, and the mechanism engaged, before he emerged from the shadows. Covering his tracks, he went to the small door and easily picked the lock. Cautiously opening it, he looked around. It was another cellar similar to the one he was in, however there was no other exit. Neatly stacked against each wall were cases and sacks and vials of lyrium. Zevran backed out and closed the door. I am so glad Cullen stopped taking that poison.

He went to the cellar exit and put his ear to the door. He heard nothing. It was utterly silent. Taking out a small vial and square of cotton, he put a few drops from the vial on to the cloth and dabbed it lightly over the hinges ensuring the metal wouldn't make a sound when he opened the door.

The cellar was at the end of a long hallway that was lined with statues, each one nestled into a dark alcove. I'm glad the Tevinter were so obsessed with statuary. Zevran went from alcove to alcove; every second one he waited and listened. The hallway opened into a lounge, where two women sat with their backs to Zevran. He slipped in and listened. They spoke in monotones, without expression. Tranquil!

"Did you know that the Dalish mage was made Tranquil today?"

Zevran's heart was in his mouth. They have to be talking about Merrill! Val is going to fall apart when she hears about this.

The other Tranquil responded. "Yes. It was Ser Cullen who performed the Rite."

It took all of Zevran's willpower to quiet the thrum of pain he felt for Merrill and for Cullen. Brasca, no doubt the Knight-Commander was testing his loyalty!

The two women stood up and left the lounge. Before he made his way back to Darktown, Zevran needed to find out where they were keeping Merrill. Grateful for the candlelight and shadows he continued his search.

~oOOo~

Two hours after Cullen had been sent to his room, Paxley knocked on his door and brought him to the Knight-Commander.

Cullen was trying to keep his spirits up as he walked down the long hall to the Knight-Commanders office. Well, at least there's no one standing there, holding a hangman's noose. Paxley ushered him inside and closed the door. It was just Masurian and Cullen.

Cullen bowed. "Knight-Commander."He marveled at how he was able to keep the fear out of his voice. Perhaps I'm growing a shell…I am not a monster; I am trying to save lives…

Masurian nodded for him to sit down. "Cullen, once you left I thought about all that you had said and done, and I could only come to one conclusion." He paused to see how Cullen would react.

He looked that the Knight-Commander expectantly.

Masurian held out his hand. "Welcome back, Knight-Captain Cullen."

Cullen forced himself to smile excitedly as he shook Masurian's hand. "Thank you, Knight-Commander. I'm pleased to be back."… I am not a monster; I am trying to save lives…

"After dinner there will be a ceremony in the Hall. You will take your formal vows in front of our full company and the Tranquil. Right now, let's eat dinner."

Cullen found that he did have an appetite and said, sincerely, "Good idea, I'm famished."

After dinner the Templars and Tranquil assembled in Templar Hall. Masurian and Cullen stood before them.

Masurian held up his hand and the murmurs and whispers stopped. All eyes were focused on the Knight-Commander, who cleared his throat and gestured to Cullen. "Many of you remember Ser Cullen, former Knight-Captain and Knight-Commander of Kirkwall."

Cullen watched as the Templars looked at him and applauded. While Meredith was Knight-Commander, Cullen worked directly with the Templars. He knew each one, not just their name and there skill sets, but who they were—their backgrounds; what they were like as children; what terrified them; what made them strong; what was important to them. He always considered them as his Templars, and they remembered.

Masurian smiled and held up his hand. "I'm glad you have such positive memories of Ser Cullen, because I am reinstating him as Knight-Captain."

Cheers rang through the hall.

Masurian turned to Cullen. "As the Order is no longer part of the Chantry, you will need to take the vows of our new and independent Order of Templars. Will you submit to those vows?"

Cullen nodded. "Yes, Knight-Commander, I am eager to take my place among my brothers and sisters."

"Kneel, Ser Cullen and face those assembled." Once Cullen was on one knee, Masurian began. "Ser Cullen Ward, do you vow to do all that is in your power to seek out and apprehend Apostates and kill Maleficarum, wherever and whoever they are, and bring the Maker's justice to those who have knowingly sheltered them?"

"I do."

"Please rise, Knight-Captain Cullen. Welcome back."

Cullen and Masurian shook hands, and Masurian said for Cullen's ears only, "I look forward to this partnership, Cullen. Together we will do the Maker's will."

"The Maker's will is all I have ever hoped to do." I am not a monster; I am trying to save lives.

~oOOo~

Val was completely inconsolable. Maric carried her to their room so they could have some privacy. He sat on the bed, and pulled Val onto his lap. She was curled up against his chest, clinging to his tunic as she wailed, "I failed Merrill, just like I failed the mages!"

"Val. You did not fail anyone. You were given a horrible set of choices and you made the best decision you could."

She cried, "But it wasn't enough!" Her voice dropped to a whisper of remembered sorrow "It wasn't nearly enough."

"Love, sometimes all we can do, is all we can do. You did everything in your power to save the people of Kirkwall, and I am not referring to the nobility, but the people of Kirkwall, those in Lowtown, Darktown, the under city—the ones who life had forgotten, the ones that were never championed by anyone except you. You did not fail them!"

Val got off the bed and began to pace, looking at Maric; all of the sadness, horror, and self-loathing that had been festering in her soul came to the surface. "I didn't fail them? I killed their healer! The man who cured their ills, delivered their babies, brought their family members back from the brink of death." She thumped her chest, for emphasis, "I killed him. Me, not anyone else, me!"

Maric stood up and held her as tightly as he could. Stroking her back, he murmured words of love and strength. He brought her back to the bed and held her while the tempest roared through her soul.

How long they sat there, Maric didn't know. Val finally lay quiescent in his arms; having cried until she no longer had the strength to continue.

"Love?" Maric whispered, unsure if she was a wake or asleep.

Val blinked a few times before sitting up. She seemed calm, detached. Fear crept into Maric's heart. "Val?"

She looked at him. "Yes, Love?"

Maric was about to respond when Varric knocked on the door saying that Zevran was back.

Val slid off Maric's lap. "Let's see what Zevran found out."

Maric followed Val, hoping she hadn't completely retreated into her shell, that it was Val walking down the hall, not the Champion.