Volunteer

The night before the reaping. Chaff locks himself away in his house and drinks himself insensible. I wonder which one of us will be forced to break in tomorrow morning to prod him awake or whether Aelia Tiara will have already employed someone to do just that. Saffron, Seeder and I sit in my living room in silence, each of us lost in our own thoughts, locked in our own personal nightmare. Little Rosie plays by herself on the hearth rug, oblivious to the tension permeating the room. She's already in her pajamas and it's long past her bed time but my sister makes no move to carry her upstairs to bed. I know that Saff is trying to stretch out this evening indefinitely, trying to stop the clock that is ticking away the remaining hours until the start of the reaping. There's a part of me that wants the same thing but there's also another part of me that finds the waiting unbearable. It's almost a relief when Rosie traps her finger in the plastic hinge of her toy box. She lets out a wail and the silence is broken as both Saff and I gravitate towards her, both of us making comforting noises. Although she isn't really hurt, Rosie refuses to be calmed down with cuddles and, in the end, Saff has to pick her up and take her upstairs to bed. Automatically, I start to pick up the toys that litter the floor, throwing them back into the box. I wonder if this will be the last time I ever do this.

'Maya…?' My heart sinks at the sound of Seeder's soft entreaty. I continue to throw things back into the box, making more noise than is strictly necessary, in a desperate bid not to hear her voice. 'Maya?' I've run out of things to put away but I still don't look at her; I pick up the toy box and carry it over to the corner. Then I move over to the door.

'I'm going up to say goodnight to Rosie, I won't be…' My voice trails off; Seeder has positioned herself between me and the way out.

'Maya, look at me…' My eyes flick up and meet her golden ones for the briefest of seconds before I drop my gaze once more; the sincerity there is too hard to bear.

'Please don't…' My voice is barely audible but I know that she hears it. She says it anyway.

'You don't have to be worried about tomorrow. If your name is called then I will volunteer to go in your place.' There is no hesitation in her voice, no hint of reluctance.

I've had an inkling for months now that this is her plan. But I wouldn't stay to listen to her confirm my suspicions; every time she approached me over the last few months, I would find some excuse to leave her presence before she could get the words out. Because, while there is a part of me that finds it impossible to accept that, once again, there is someone who is willing to die in my place, there is also another, deeper, terrifying part of me that would happily allow Seeder to volunteer if it means that I never have to go back into the arena. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that it is wrong; the thought is still there in the back of my mind. The thought that I never want to acknowledge.

I stare at the floor, trying to quell the rising panic as I try to block out this thought. It's wrong… wrong… and I hate myself for thinking it… but I can't help it… It isn't until Seeder places a calming hand on my shoulder that I realise I am shaking.

'It's okay, Maya.' I yank in a deep breath, trying to get oxygen to my starved brain. My heart jumps in my chest. The walls are pressing close. This feels like the end; I've finally lost my grip on the girl who volunteered to go to the Games two years ago. Seeder is my mentor, my guide, my… I hesitate before thinking the next word… my friend. A friend that I would consider sacrificing to save my own life. Because deep down I want her to volunteer in my place even though I know that I won't ever be able to live with the guilt that it brings.

'Will you walk me home?' I feel Seeder's hand closing around my elbow and I let her lead me out of the room and into the hall. Saffron is coming down the stairs, her arms full of dirty clothes. I barely register the meaningful look that passes between her and Seeder before we are out of the front door. The evening air is cool against my skin and it helps to calm me down slightly. My thoughts buzz through my head like a hive of tracker jackers. Seeder waits until my breathing is slightly more under control before she speaks again.

'Maya, I know this is difficult and I know that you probably feel…' I stop walking abruptly in the dark patch between two golden pools of light cast by two of the overhead streetlamps that line the road around the green.

'Do not tell me how I feel.' My voice comes out sharp and aggressive and I hear Seeder's sharp intake of breath. Although I can't see them in the dark, I imagine her golden eyes widening slightly as she reacts to what I have just said. I don't really care.

'This is my choice, I'm sixty-four years old. You've only just turned fourteen…'

'I would never ask you for…' My voice lacks substance and it trails off as Seeder repeats her statement.

'This is my choice.' Abruptly her words send me spinning back in time. I shiver as I remember the icy conditions, the ache in my legs from being curled in foetal position for so long, my numb fingers unfolding that small piece of folded paper… the grief in my heart. It's never really gone away.

Maya, if you are reading this then I am dead. There's not enough space to say everything that I need to. I love you and it was my choice. And now I want you to do something for me…

'But I don't want you to go…' My voice is barely audible. 'I don't want anyone to go...' I add in my head. I don't even know which one of them I am talking to. Seeder pulls me around to face her and then leans in so that her warm breath tickles my ear lobe.

'Maya, it's not like last time. I think we'll all be alright. I shouldn't…' She hesitates and then pulls away. 'I'll be okay.' Her voice changes slightly as she says this final part; it's louder, more jovial. Fake.

'What were you about to say? Why isn't it like last time?' My voice is childlike, plaintive and confused. I don't understand what she means.

'I wasn't about to say anything.' Her face is in shadow and I can't read the expression there. I don't have a hope of telling if she's lying or not, although her face is never the easiest to read even in broad daylight. She goes on quickly, before I can come up with any further questions. 'Only that I will have friends in the arena. We'll keep each other safe.' Somehow, I get the feeling that this isn't what she was about to say before.

'Seeder, only one person goes home…' I falter; the thought that has just crossed my mind is so overwhelming that I can't remember what I was going to say next. President Snow's words ring through my head: 'As a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol…' What if Snow doesn't intend for anyone to survive these coming Games? I shake my head violently, trying to dislodge the thought but it's impossible.

'What is it?' Seeder asks. Her concern for me makes me want to break down and weep. I stare at her shadowed face but I can't bring myself to answer her; this is the woman who is about to volunteer for me so I don't have to go back into the arena. I can't tell her that her death is a certainty.

The silence stretches uncomfortably and I start walking again, cutting down one of the spokes that lead from the circular road towards the centre of the green; it's the quickest way to get to Seeder's house which is directly opposite mine and I want this conversation to be over as soon as possible. I want to run. I want to sprint so hard and fast through the night that I stop thinking. I'll run until dawn if that's what it takes to eliminate these feelings. The fountain that stands in the centre of the green trickles disconsolately in the night air. The water in the pool looks like a sheet of black metal in the darkness and the water nymph statue is silhouetted against the cloudy sky. The full moon is half hidden by dense, pregnant-looking clouds. It will rain tomorrow, I'm sure of it. It always rains on reaping day. I lean on the concrete rim of the pool and stare down into its inky depths. Seeder comes to stand beside me. I think she's waiting for me to speak.

I can't think what to say. There are no words left.

A resounding crack cuts through the quiet night air. I spin on the spot and jump backwards, looking around wildly for the source of the noise, just as a second, louder crack rings out. The stone arm of the statue has broken off near the body and now lies on the ground by Seeder's feet. For half a heartbeat I think we're both okay. Then Seeder sways on the spot, her knees fold and she plummets head first into the inky pool. The water closes over her head.

I stand rooted to the spot for the one long second it takes for my mind to process what has just happened. Then I launch myself over the concrete lip of the pool, grazing both of my knees in my hurry. My head hits the water first and I gag at its fetid, mouldy taste. It's thicker than normal and so viscous that it makes my stomach contract as it slides over my eyes and lips. My flailing feet finally find the bottom and when I stand up the water only comes up to my shoulders. Shaking water out of my eyes, I grope ineffectually in the inky water.

'Seeder… Seeder… Seeder… HELP!' My panicked shriek ends in a gurgle as I brace my foot on a piece of slime and loose my footing, banging my head on the concrete lip of the pool on my way down. Submerged in the inky water, I flail wildly, unable to find the bottom again; the pain in my head is so intense that I can't think straight. I don't even know which way is up. Then my feet find purchase on the slippery floor and my grasping fingers close around something soft, yet firm. My head breaks the surface and I stand once more, hauling Seeder's inert body out of the water after me. She's too heavy for me to lift her completely out of the pool. Instead I use my knees to prop her up against the concrete side while I fight to keep her head clear. I can't see her face in darkness and I don't know how bad her injuries are. Water runs down my face and there's the taste of blood in my mouth. The back of my head stings painfully and my head spins sickeningly. Seeder's weight threatens to send me reeling over backwards again and I grab onto the concrete and scream for help.

'Maya?' Running footsteps. A tall shadow sprints towards us. 'Maya?' I would know that voice anywhere, however impossible it is for him to actually be here, responding to my cries. My father grabs hold of Seeder's lifeless body and drags her out of the pool. My sister is close behind him and she lifts me out. My knees buckle as she places me on the ground and I'm shivering in spite of the warm summer evening.

'What happened?' I start to gabble something nonsensical but my father's voice cuts across me.

'We need to get her inside, Saffron.' My sister hand tightens around the top of my arm as he speaks again; it's the first time we've heard his voice for weeks. She doesn't make any other sign that this is something out of the ordinary. She lets go of me and hurries forward to help him with Seeder. I sway dangerously, my head still spinning. The combined taste of blood and foul water makes my stomach churn. I clamp my jaws together and lock my knees in place so that I can follow them back across the green but after two steps I fall to my hands and knees and throw up violently. Black spots swim before my eyes and I feel myself loosing consciousness. I dig my fingertips into the grass trying to keep hold of my grip on reality, on the surface of the earth, as it is slid from under me.

'It's okay, Maya, I've got you.' My father's arms envelope me and I am lifted into the air.

The next thing I'm aware of is my sister leaning over me, holding a needle and thread. There's a slight tugging and a sharp stinging sensation in the back of my head. My mouth tastes of blood and dead things, making me feel like gagging. I groan and try to squirm away and Saff's eyes meet mine. The relief there is evident.

'Thank goodness…' She presses me back into a lying down position as I try to sit up. '…I'm nearly done.' There's another sharp sting and then she takes a step back. 'It wasn't bad, only needed…'

'Where's Seeder? Is she okay?' I interrupt. I push myself up and look around; my father must've carried me to the living room and laid me down on the couch.

'She's…' My sister's hand caresses my shoulder as if this will soften the blow. She reads the pure, undiluted fear in my eyes and hastens to reassure me. '…she's still alive, Maya but she's not doing so well. The Peacekeepers' came for her.' I flinch at the vision; Peacekeepers in their eerie, other-worldly white uniform carrying Seeder's unconscious body out of my house.

'Why…? Where did they take her?' The questions come tumbling out on top of each other.

'She…' My sister hesitates and then wraps her arms around me. '…she's not in a good way. I think she was bleeding internally but there was nothing I could do about it. I rang the Peacekeepers because I didn't know what else to do. Maybe if they get her to the Capitol fast enough then they can save her?' There's a question in her voice but I don't think she expects an answer from me.

I think of the Peacekeepers bundling Seeder into a train carriage… administering medication to get her through the twenty-four-hour journey to the Capitol. Then a second thought obliterates the first; Peacekeepers abandoning Seeder in a desolated alleyway… her life flickering and extinguishing like a candle flame in the wind. I shudder and pull away from Saff so I can look around the room instead of dwelling on the dark thoughts.

'Did Dad go with them to the station?' My sister's face falls and I know the answer before she says it.

'Maya, he… he went back to bed right after we carried you in here.'

When I'd heard his voice earlier I'd let myself hope that he'd finally snapped back into himself. I should've known better; mental illness is never that easily fixed.

I stand alone on one side of the platform in front of our dilapidated Justice Building. Chaff stands on the other, staring blearily into the crowd gathered in front of us, too hungover to really care about what's going on. I stare up at the sky, refusing to look at the faces in front of me because I know that if I look down at my sister then I'll lose what little self-control I still posses. Rain mizzles down from the low grey clouds, soaking my face and hair. The back of my head stings and itches under the waterproof dressing that Saff applied before we left the house. I try not to focus on the irritation although it's hard. When I reach up automatically to rub at the place, my fingertips come up against the unyielding plastic gauze. I want to rip the whole thing off and crunch it underfoot but I know that the cut would probably start bleeding again if I did that and Aelia Tiara would probably faint if she saw blood trickling down the back of my head. Apparently Capitol citizens can only stomach goriness when its projected from a television screen. She has already promised me that the Capitol medics will look at it as soon as we arrive in the Capitol tomorrow. I suppose that they don't want an injured tribute going into the arena if they can avoid it.

I hear the sharp staccato tap tap tap of Aelia's high heels and I drop my gaze automatically as she comes to stand between Chaff and I, with the two enormous glass reaping bowls in front of her. She glances at me as she takes a step towards the first bowl and her electric blue sclerae flash slightly, catching a lone ray of sunshine that somehow penetrates through the thick clouds above our heads. I recoil automatically. Two pieces of folded paper lie in the bottom of the bowl. Aelia extends one talon-like hand; her nails are so elongated that they had an extra three inches to the length of her fingers. She doesn't bother to hesitate, pretend to choose, instead grabbing the closest piece of paper. Aelia casts me a brief, unhappy look, then she straightens her back, uses her free hand to straighten her golden beehive and clears her throat.

'The female tribute from District Eleven will be Maya Stone.'

I look over at the empty space beside me where Seeder should be standing, the one person who would've been able to volunteer in my place and something inside me snaps.

I am going back into the arena.

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