Wow, we're already at the fourteenth chapter. Well, the only thing I'll say about this update is that there's plenty of smut, angst, fluff, and lots of other things. And there's a very big surprise at the end that we're sure everyone will love. So enjoy, and please remember to review!
Disclaimer: Not ours.
BAMCBAMCBAMCBAMCBAMC
When Alex awoke the next morning, the first thing she was aware of were the arms holding her, and the piercing gaze on her. Slowly she leaned forward and buried her face in his bare chest.
"Good morning," she murmured, her voice muffled by his chest.
He smoothed his hand through her hair. "Good morning. I, um, I...didn't ruin your day yesterday, did I?"
"No, you didn't," she assured him, closing her eyes.
"I...uh, I am sorry...I should have come home...but..." He trailed off. "I...I can't explain it."
She reached out and smoothed her thumb over his jaw. "It bothered me, Bobby, but I understand. You needed to... spend some time by yourself."
"That's...part of it."
"What was the other part?"
"I...I didn't want to bring you down, baby."
She propped her head up with her hand. "Talking about it will help."
"It never has before."
"But this time, I'm the one who's listening."
"Alex...I appreciate your willingness, but this isn't something I can ever get you to understand, no matter how hard I try. You...had a good childhood. I don't want to taint that in any way by talking about mine. You know I had a hard childhood, that there was emotional and physical abuse. You know I could have gone either way, and only a slip of fate prevented me from being your prey instead of your partner. That's all you ever need to know...all I ever want you to know. Trust me with this one."
She sighed softly and snuggled into his arms. "Okay. I don't agree with it, but I understand."
"I hope so," he murmured, kissing her head.
She raised her head and claimed his lips with hers, emitting a soft sigh.
He began to deepen the kiss but became distracted and softly laughed into her mouth.
She pulled back and gave him an odd look. "What?" she asked, exasperated and slightly annoyed at his laughter.
"I woke up feeling like a train wreck, and just when you start to chase that away, the baby starts to kick. He's a powerful little guy."
She groaned and slid off of him, resting on her side. "You know, Goren, I had very different intentions just now..."
He rolled onto his side, leaning in to gently nibble her earlobe and whisper, "I'm not used to getting kicked like that. Sorry. Let me see if I can't help you out here...it's the best medicine for a hangover...for me anyway...and...you help me...forget...things. That's never bad."
She moved her arm from over her face and pulled him down over her, wrapping her arms around his neck. "No, it's not," she whispered, trailing her fingertips along his spine.
He kissed her. "It's better than talking," he muttered.
"Mm, sometimes..."
"Always," he answered, kissing her deeply as his hands roamed, his gentle touch rousing every part of her body.
She felt his hand pause over the swell of her abdomen, and she smiled and rested her hand over his. Then she gently pulled his head down closer and kissed him fiercely.
Relaxing, he surrendered to her completely, pushing aside memories of the day before until late, when he would confront them once again. For now, all that mattered to him was the woman beside him in the bed, kissing him with enough passion to set his world on edge and send his surroundings spinning away. His mind went blank.
She pulled him closer, letting out a soft sigh of surrender as he slid inside of her. Her hands buried themselves in his hair, and she couldn't help but smile when their middles touched.
Every sense in his body was focused on her and the sensations she sent coursing through his body. He probably could have held out longer, prolonging his pleasure, but when she tightened around him, bucking and moaning his name, he let go and everything exploded in a fury of sensation that consumed him and knocked him for a loop.
She reached her release right after he reached his, and she grumbled a little in protest when he slid away and turned them both on their sides. "That's a good way to wake up," she finally commented once her mind was functioning again.
It took him longer to recover, but he relished the feeling and held onto it as long as he possibly could. He had put more than love into it that time...he had offered up his frustrations, his depression and his fears, searching for the salve to his soul that only she offered and only she delivered.
His arms went around her, and she turned over and rested her head against his chest, gently running her hand up and down his arm.
He groaned softly. "I...needed that. Thank you."
She smiled and kissed him gently. "I needed it, too," she whispered.
"You did?"
She looked at him. "I can need you, too," she said indignantly, but there was a hint of teasing in her voice.
"I, uh, I...you mean...physically?"
"Of course."
"Oh, good...but that wasn't what I meant." He thought about how that sounded and amended. "Uh, I mean I do...need you physically...but this time...there was more to it."
She brushed a stray curl back and smiled. "I know what you mean, Bobby. And yes, I don't just need you physically. It's... a lot more than that."
"I hope you never feel...the desperation I do."
She studied him for a moment, then kissed him again. "I don't. Not like you. But I do need you."
"That's...good to hear."
"Don't ever doubt it, baby."
He played with her hair and he began to drift back to sleep.
She snuggled deeper into his arms, listening to the comforting sound of his heart beating steadily.
After a few moments, she looked over at the clock, then groaned. She poked him gently and said, "I'm getting up and getting some of that stupid no caffeine coffee."
He groaned and tightened his arms around her, murmuring something into her skin.
She smiled and kissed his head. "Are you going to let me go?" she asked in amusement.
"Mmmmm...no."
She rolled her eyes. "Come on, big guy," she cajoled, kissing his shoulder softly. "You have presents waiting, and we're getting hungry."
"No, we're not."
She poked him again. "Yes, we are," she said, motioning to her belly.
He groaned softly and muttered sleepily, "All right, go ahead... but I'm gonna sleep a little more."
She smiled. "Okay, but when I get done eating, I'm coming back in here." She leaned down closer to his ear and gently nibbled on his earlobe. "Whipped cream isn't the only thing I'm craving..."
"'S that a promise?"
She answered with a deep kiss.
He pulled her against his body, his desire ignited and once more driving him toward passion.
All thoughts of food forgotten, she returned the kiss with all the passion she could muster.
His mind raced in circles again and she consumed him.
It didn't take them long for them to reach the peak of their desire, and when the pleasant haze faded from her mind, she groaned and rested her head on his chest.
It took even less time for him to fade out and drift back into a sleep that quickly deepened and became restful.
She watched him fade off to sleep, but didn't move from his embrace for several minutes. But soon her stomach was growling, and she reluctantly slid from his arms and slipped on one of his shirts, then walked into the kitchen. After making breakfast, she made her plate and sat down at the table.
"You happy now?" she asked the prominent bump in her belly after taking a bite of the breakfast.
A series of resounding kicks was her answer, and she smiled and rubbed her stomach, then continued to eat.
When she finished, she carried her empty plate to the sink and washed it, then put it away. The baby kicked again, and she smiled and wandered into the bathroom to take a long, hot shower.
She slid his shirt off, hugging it to her before dropping it into the laundry basket. Then she reached into the shower stall and turned the water on, adjusting it until it was just right.
The water temperature finally adjusted to her liking, and she stepped inside and closed her eyes, allowing the pulsing stream to soothe her sore muscles.
She washed her hair and body, then stepped out of the shower, drying herself off before she walked back into the bedroom to find something to wear. Once she was dressed, she wandered aimlessly into the living room again, settling into Bobby's recliner. It was a big and comfortable chair, and she picked up the remote and turned the T.V. on, settling on reruns of Full House as she waited for Bobby to get up.
Several episodes of the family oriented show passed, and when Bobby still didn't emerge from the room, Alex turned the T.V. off and padded into the bedroom. She could hear him snoring softly, and she smiled and laid down beside him, her heart warming when his arms went around her.
Tucking her arm under her head, Alex played with a graying curl as she watched him sleep. And somewhere, she couldn't help but wonder what he was dreaming of. He rarely slept peacefully, his dreams often pierced by nightmares. He stirred a little, and she pressed herself against him and tenderly smoothed his hair back.
She was glad that he seemed to be resting peacefully, and she continued to watch him, ready to fight the demons that he had often said she "wouldn't understand." But she understood more than he knew. And she also understood that she didn't like to see him in any kind of pain.
But more often than not, she couldn't protect him from that. And that's what bothered her. Even though it didn't exist, she wished that there was something she could do or say to reach that place in him that was poisoned, and cleanse it. Then he wouldn't have those nightmares, or believe that she had only stayed around because she was having his child.
She brushed the back of her hand against his forehead. It wasn't fair. She understood that his mother had no control over her illness, but a small part of her couldn't help but bear resentment towards her for her treatment of her kind and gentle partner. And his father and brother... well, they had no excuse for the way they treated him. It wasn't right, and for a moment, she wondered how her partner might have turned out if they had been halfway decent to him.
But she knew that she couldn't dwell on that. The what if's, what might have been's, and what could have been's would drive her crazy, drive them crazy. And in a way, in the smallest of ways, she was thankful. Because of the way his family was, that was what had made him the man she had fallen in love with.
For all of his demons, for all of his faults, and for all of his fears and doubts, he was enough for her. He loved her, so much that he had chosen her above any other woman he could have easily had. So much that he had changed what he believed about children and had agreed to give her his child.
She stretched a little and moved her hand between their stomachs, where their child was resting. Their child. Those words still shocked and amazed her. The fact that he loved her enough to shove aside his own fears and doubts still sent her mind reeling. "You are going to be an amazing father, Bobby," she whispered, running her fingertips along his cheek, down to his neck and finally stopping over his heart. His heart, the most beautiful part of him.
It beat firmly beneath her palm, and with every beat, she was falling more and more in love with him, something she didn't even think was possible. It had been torn, ripped, stepped on, and sewn back together more times than she could imagine, but it was the most beautiful heart of any man she had ever known. Strong, loving, and capable of making her feel things that she had believed long dead, as clichИd as it sounded. It was the truth.
Her attention drifted down to his hands, and she carefully picked one up and studied it. Worn, calloused, and filled with lines, those hands were capable of great strength, and great grace. Day in and day out, those hands prodded, poked, and helped illustrate his words. But those same hands were gentle, also. They had held a small child, carefully bandaged cuts and bruises, and had brought her some of the greatest pleasures she had ever known.
And in a few months, they would be rocking a newborn baby to sleep, guiding carefully the life of that child they had created, together.
She sighed softly and released his hand, then settled down into his arms again. "I love you, Bobby," she whispered, pressing her lips briefly against his heart.
Bobby stirred as she settled her head against his shoulder. His eyes fluttered open and he turned toward her. Drawing in a deep breath, he kissed her head. "Hey," he murmured. "Did you get your breakfast?"
"Yeah. And I watched a little T.V., but it got boring," she murmured.
"And laying here isn't boring?"
"With you, it's not."
He laughed softly. "Even when I'm asleep?"
She grinned. "Yes. I like watching you sleep."
He raised an eyebrow and his mouth quirked into a small smile. "And people say I'm odd."
"You are."
The grin faded a little. "I know."
"But I love you for it."
He nodded. "I know. And I love you, too, in spite of... everything."
She looked at him curiously. "What's everything?"
He sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. "All the...baggage I come with," he muttered.
"I... I wish you'd talk to me, Bobby," she whispered.
"I do," he frowned.
"Not about everything. You know that."
"There are some things...better left unsaid."
She pushed herself up in the bed and looked at him. "Bobby... I talk to you about everything. You've always told me that it helps, but you seem to be certain that that doesn't apply to you."
"It's not that. It's just...it's enough that my past haunts me...I don't want to transfer any of that to you. An-and... " he sighed. "There are things I simply don't...want you to understand."
"And I can see it eating away at you. You don't know how much that hurts me."
"I'm sorry. But it is what it is. I can't change my past...and believe me when I tell you it is not something you want to share in."
She sighed tiredly and shook her head. "Bobby... I'm doing all I can here. I want you to feel like you can open up to me, but it's not working." She slid out of the bed and stood up. "I'm going to go in there. I love you, but I need some time to think."
He groaned softly and rolled onto his back. He loved his partner more than anyone in the world, and he wanted to open up to her, but he couldn't. She thought she knew how bad his upbringing had been, but really she had no clue. And he didn't want to give her one. He'd never be able to bear it if his memories disturbed any part of her life. She'd had a happy childhood and loving parents. Her past was filled with memories of a normal upbringing. He wanted none of that to be tainted by tales of abuse, blood and broken bones.
He had been the demon in his mother's delusions, and the evil son who'd chased away an apathetic father. He'd deserved his beatings for being a bad son. He learned early to never shed a tear or make a sound when his father beat him for...whatever his mother accused him of in her delusions. He spent years covering for her, so no one knew what happened behind the closed doors of their Brooklyn apartment. Those nightmares remained behind closed doors, and only he had the key. He was not about to share that with anyone...particularly not with Alex. If she thought, even for a second, that there was any chance he would turn into one of his parents, she would take that baby and he would never see either of them again. That was the most recent of his nightmares.
Contemplating his past and the future he protected by keeping it locked away made his throbbing head begin to pound. Getting out of the bed, he went into the bathroom and started a hot shower. As he stepped into the stream of hot water, he wished it was as easy to wash away the things that ate at him and threatened to consume his soul. He'd heard rumors of people that were able to cleanse their souls, but for him, he knew, it was far too late.
She stepped out of the bedroom, picking up the phone as she walked to his chair and sat down in it. For several long minutes, she stared at the phone that seemed to stare back at her. Finally she turned it on and dialed a familiar number, knowing that there was only one person who could reach him now.
A half hour later, there was a knock at the door, and Alex turned her head and watched as Mike walked in. "Thanks for coming," she said softly.
"Where is he?"
"Our bedroom."
"Okay if I go back there?"
"Go ahead. I can't get to him." She looked at him, her eyes filling with tears. "He won't open up to me, but maybe you can get him to talk."
Mike walked over to where she was sitting on the couch and crouched down. "Understand something, Alex. He's not trying to keep you out. He's trying to keep that part of himself locked in."
A tear fell, and she whispered, "Just help him, Mike. Please."
He wiped the tear from her cheek with his thumb. "I'm not sure anyone can help him, Alex. That time has long passed. But I'll talk to him."
She sat back in the chair and wiped at more tears that fell. "I know. I don't like it, but I know."
"No one likes it, honey, him least of all."
He squeezed her shoulder and headed for the bedroom.
She watched him leave, then tried to make herself comfortable in the chair. But suddenly, nothing seemed comfortable anymore.
Mike knocked on the bedroom door, hesitating until he heard a muffled "Come in."
Opening the door, he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. Bobby was standing by the window, looking out into the snowy street. Mike softly asked, "Hey, pal. How are you feeling?"
"Like shit. I...I hurt her and there's no way I can make it right."
"Is that what you think? Come on. Get your head out of your ass. She just wants to help you stop hurting, that's all. She's not trying to steal your soul."
Bobby turned and glared at him. "I know that, ass. But she is trying to heal my soul, and that's just not possible."
"Because you refuse to let it happen."
Bobby clamped a hand behind his neck as he moved away from the window. "I...I will not...pollute her with my past, Mike."
"What makes you think that what happened to you could change her perception of her own past?"
"That's not it."
"Well then fill me in because I'm not getting it."
"You don't understand."
"Damn straight I don't. Because I had a shitty childhood, too. My mother was an alcoholic and I got beat on a regular basis for things I did, things she thought I did and things she thought I might do."
Bobby snorted softly. "Half the time she beat me to protect me from being taken by 'them'. The rest of the time I was 'them'. Don't ask me who they are. I never figured that out. But when I was ten, she locked me in a closet because 'they' were coming. Fourteen hours later, my brother managed to get her to the hospital so he could let me out."
"Tell me: why do you think that talking about it can't help?"
"Because it never has before. All it ever does is make the nightmares worse and open the doors for new ones. I really don't need any new nightmares."
"Okay, but that doesn't explain why you're so afraid to talk to her. What harm can it do to let her know you survived hell and you're a better man for it? You think she'll think less of you because your mother was sick and your dad was fucked up? Was any of that your fault?"
"If you ask my mother..."
Mike smacked his shoulder. "You know what I mean. Turn some of that brilliant mind inward and realize that the things they did to you can't touch what you have now."
"Mike, if she thought there was any chance I could become either one of them, she would never stay."
"So you're hiding from her? What purpose does that serve? Look, you've got two choices, pal. You can live in fear of losing her, or you can talk it out and find out for sure. If she's shallow enough to take off because your parents were messed up, then better to be rid of her now than to put any more of your heart into this relationship."
Bobby studied his hands. "I-It's too late for that."
"Then it's past time to see what kind of woman she is."
"Mike...if she left..."
"Trust me, Bobby. Bite the bullet now. But I can seriously guarantee that woman isn't going anywhere, no matter what your folks did to you. Look, if she walks, I'll marry you."
For the first time, Bobby smiled. "Dumbass."
"I'll hang around if you want. Talk to her."
Bobby turned away and looked at the floor. Mike squeezed his shoulder and left the room. Walking into the living room, he grinned at Alex. "You feel up to a difficult conversation, honey?"
She started a little, then looked at Mike. "He's going to talk to me?"
"Give it a whirl. I'm gonna raid the kitchen. Just...promise me one thing?"
She stood up and looked at him curiously. "What's that, Mike?"
"Please don't leave him. I really, really don't want to marry the guy."
She stared at him for a few moments before bursting into laughter. "Mike..." she finally started. "I'm not going to leave him, no matter how stubborn he gets, or how stupid. I love him."
"That's good enough for me. Now go convince him. I'm hungry."
She laughed again. "There's plenty of that turkey left over from last night. Go crazy."
He grinned. "I love you."
She rolled her eyes and walked past him. "I love you too, you idiot," she said as she walked into the hallway.
Bobby was back at the window, looking out into the snowy neighborhood and wishing a black hole someplace would open up and take him someplace where he didn't have to talk about anything but the weather and case files that needed to be solved.
She studied him for a few minutes from the door, then moved over to the bed and sat down. Not knowing anything else to say, she murmured, "Hi."
Slowly he shifted his eyes toward her. He rested a hand against her stomach and lightly rubbed, feeling reassured by the movement beneath his hand. "Hi."
Her lips relaxed into a smile at his touch, and she raised her hand and ran it through his hair. It came to rest on the back of his neck, and she gently pulled him closer, her eyes searching his.
"Please tell me I won't regret this," he pleaded, his voice not much more than a whisper.
"You won't... and neither will I. Never."
"I hope you're right, because this isn't something I will ever be able to take back. Once these images get into your head, they'll be there...to stay...God, this is such a bad idea. I don't know if I can do this to you."
She pulled him closer, her other arm wrapping tightly around him. "I love you, Bobby, and nothing you tell me can ever change that. Ever. Not your stubbornness, not my pride. Nothing."
He closed his eyes, not sure if he wanted to draw her closer or push her away. There was protection in both gestures.
She felt his hesitation, and she kissed the side of his head. "Nothing," she repeated into his ear.
"F-first...tell me...what your childhood was like."
She gently pulled him down to sit by her. "Bobby, you know what it was like. I've told you."
"Please. Humor me."
She nodded and laid back on the bed, stretching out on her side. "I was the third of five kids born into a cop's family. We didn't have a lot of money... but we didn't want or need for anything. My mom pushed me to be more like my sisters. To play with Barbie dolls and play dress up, but all I ever wanted to do was everything my brothers did."
He moved closer to her, so that her abdomen pressed against his hip, and he closed his eyes. "Go on," he encouraged.
"I skinned my knees, was socially awkward until high school, and was so well adjusted that they elected me prom queen," she said with a small smirk.
"You were the kind of girl who never gave a guy like me a second glance."
"No, actually. It wasn't my idea to be voted prom queen, and I tried to hide. With guys? I was a little more interested in making them eat dirt, like with my brothers," she grinned.
He glanced away, almost shy. "I would have eaten dirt for you," he murmured.
She laughed a little, then gently cupped his cheek and turned his head so their eyes met again. "I'm sure you would have. But I won't ask you to."
"That's good. I don't particularly care for the taste."
She smiled. "I didn't either," she informed him.
He chewed on his lower lip. "I, um, I followed my brother around, too, for awhile."
"Did he ever make you eat dirt, like mine did?" she asked softly.
"Um, n-no...not quite."
She rested her hand over his chest, then showed him the inside of her arm, where there was a small, barely noticeable scar. "I followed my cousins around a little too much."
"Did they, uh, try to bury you in the yard? Or, um, make a mud puddle then sit on you and hold your head in it until a moment before you had to take a breath?"
Her fingers tightened on his shirt, and she thought for several long moments. "No. They just thought it would be funny to push me off of my bike in the street." Her finger twitched, and she moved her arm to rest over his chest, as though that act alone could wipe away every hurt and bad memory that had been inflicted on her gentle partner.
"Did they push you off in front of a car?"
Of course he would be worried about her. "No. Lucky for me the street was empty. I just got banged up a little."
He half smiled. "Good. Uh, not that you got banged up... but...well, Frank, uh, he did push me off my bike in front of a car. And he pushed me off the pier into the river when I was nine. An-and into a tree in the park..." He shuddered at the never-forgotten memories.
She shook her head and muttered something under her breath. "I never liked him. I think I proved that to everyone, though."
"Yeah, you did. But...I'll take the things he did over what...they did...any day. Frank actually seemed to...like me. An-and he protected me...until the day Dad beat him so bad he was admitted to the hospital with them thinking he had been hit by a car."
"And he blamed you... for your dad hurting him."
"No. Not that time, he didn't. But he stopped trying to protect me after that."
She gently slid her hand under his shirt, needing the contact and craving it just as badly.
"What else?" she whispered, moving her fingertips along his bare skin.
He trembled at her touch and softly groaned. "Are...are you sure you want to hear this?"
"Would I be asking if I didn't?"
"Curiosity killed the cat, baby."
"But I'm no cat."
"Before Mom got sick...it wasn't bad. Things were...almost normal. Dad was gone most of the time, and Frank and I got along. Mom...was a good mom."
She nodded and continued to move her fingers over his skin.
"H-her disease...robbed her of the ability to be a good mother."
She heard the struggle in his voice, and she curled herself further into his side. "I know you. You were still a good son."
He nodded. "I...I tried. But no matter what I did...it was never good enough. I had the gave misfortune of not being born my brother."
"Because in her mind, he was perfect."
"He was...until he...followed in Dad's footsteps."
She kissed his skin lightly. "With women and drinking?"
He nodded. "And gambling...and then Frank got into drugs."
She exhaled deeply and shook her head. "I'm glad I hit him," she grumbled.
"I...don't blame him too much. He...he could resist anything but temptation." He almost grinned, but it quickly faded. "Maybe...I should have tried to help him more...but...I went into the army instead."
"I know you, Bobby. You did everything you could have, like my dad with his sister. But sometimes... giving your everything just isn't enough."
He shook his head. "I was in Germany, Alex...an-and I left Frank...to take care of Mom. When I came home...I had to put her in Carmel Ridge. There was nothing more I could do for her. Sh-she tried...to kill me...and I...I knew..."
She gripped him tighter as it dawned on her again how close she had come to not having this amazing man in her life. "It... wasn't your fault, baby," she whispered. "You did everything you could. She needed a level of help and care... that you just couldn't give her. As much as you wanted to."
"I...tried. Sh-she was my mom."
"Yes, she was. And I know you did."
"She did...a lot of bad things. But she was sick...and I still...loved her. My father...didn't have that excuse."
She froze, then asked softly, "What did he do?"
Propping his elbow on his knee, he rubbed his forehead. "He...was cruel. When I was about fourteen...he took me with him when he went to play poker. I...was his gopher. Every drink I fetched for him and his buddies...they forced me to take a drink...By the end of the night...well, I didn't make it to the end of the night. At first...it wasn't so bad...but then...I got sick...and he kept on...an-and...the waitress...she took me to a back room and made me lay down. I-I remember the room spinning...fast...and I threw up again...an-and...when I woke up, I was still sick as a dog...but Frank...took care of me. Mom was in the hospital...and then Dad left again. To him...it was funny as hell."
She laid there for a few minutes in silent shock. Then she drew him into her arms, fighting to keep her voice steady as she said, "He can't hurt you now, Bobby. He can't."
"I know he can't. But the memories...and the nightmares...they don't go away, Alex."
"I know." Her voice dropped in volume. "But that's what I'm here for. When you have those nightmares, and you wake up, I'm here. Just like when I have them."
"You still have no idea, Alex. And talking...talking really doesn't help."
She gently pushed him back against the mattress, resting her hands on either side of his head so that her upper body was suspended over him. "Then what will?" she asked, kissing him softly. "Just... tell me, and I'll do it."
"I-I wish there was something that would. Th-there's nothing you can do, babe. I-I can only ask one thing..."
"What?"
"D-don't leave me."
"Bobby... when have I ever left you?" she whispered, tears gathering in her eyes. "I'm not about to now."
"Th-things change," he whispered. "Hearts change."
She moved back into her original position, but kept her hand over his heart. "Not mine." She couldn't help but smile a little. "I'm old and set in my ways. You can't change what the heart wants."
"Oh? And what does the heart want?"
"Mine? You."
"Think you can deal with my...quirkiness...for the long haul?"
She pretended to think about it. "Only if you can handle my sarcasm."
"Your sarcasm is...amusing. My...oddities are just...weird."
"They're amusing to me," she pointed out.
"Well...I am who I am...you know that. I just...hope you don't get...tired of me."
"Almost nine years of us being partners has made me immune. I'll never be bored with you." She pushed herself up and ran her hand over his stomach again. "Never."
"I never said I was boring."
She grinned again as her hand continued its path up to his chest. "That's... definitely not a word I would use to describe you..." she murmured.
"I...I would never...intend to drive you away..."
She arched an eyebrow. "Like I would ever let you."
"I-I have heard that before, baby."
"Have I ever not lived up to my word?"
"Have you ever changed your mind?"
"A couple of times. And one time, it was the best decision I ever made in my life."
"Oh...what time was that?"
She leaned over and kissed him softly. "When I decided that it was worth it to tell you how much I loved you."
"Y-you changed your mind about that?"
Sighing softly, she ran a hand through her hair. "Wh-when you were in the hospital... Before then, I knew. I just... couldn't act on it. Then they told me... that you wouldn't live, and I... I decided that nothing could compare to not telling you."
He studied her, once more caught up in a confusing jumble of emotion he couldn't sort through. He buried his hand in his hair and looked away, toward the window, for once not knowing what to say.
She started to reach out, but stopped. "I-it nearly killed me, Bobby," she whispered as tears began falling in a steady stream. "To th-think that I had lost you... for good..." She took a deep gulp of air. "When I s-saw you that first time, I knew I had screwed up... by not telling you how I felt."
He heard her sob and turned toward her, pulling her into his arms. "I...I am sorry. I never meant to...put you through that." He kissed the side of her head. "I am so sorry..."
She held onto him as tightly as she could, unable to stop the tears. "I was so scared..." she whispered, burying her face in his shoulder. "That first night, th-they said that they weren't even expecting you to s-survive the night."
"I was...so tired. I hadn't been sleeping...at all...and I knew...that once she was gone...I would have nothing...n-no one. B-but I never meant...to roll the car...to...God, Alex...I never meant to do that to you."
She shivered and moved her arms to wrap around his neck. "I n-never left you," she whispered, needing him to know that. "I c-couldn't. Mike tried to make me leave once, and I went into the chapel. That's as far as I could go."
His arms slid around her and he held her tight. "Forgive me," he whispered. "I never meant to do that to you."
She continued to shiver as the memories washed over her, but she didn't release him. "Bobby, please... don't ever doubt that I love you, and would do anything to keep you right here, where you belong."
He didn't loosen his grip. "Do you?" he whispered, having difficulty finding his voice.
"Do I what, Bobby?"
"Forgive me..."
"Of course I do." She raised her tearstained face and kissed the corner of his mouth. "I did... a long time ago."
"I still...feel bad..."
"I'm just so glad that you're here now... I don't ever want to go through that again..."
"It was no picnic for me either, you know," he complained.
"I know," she said softly.
Then she sighed softly and draped one leg over his, turning into him so that their stomachs touched, and she rested her head on his shoulder. "You're always... scared that I'm going to change my mind about us. I get scared, too," she confessed, wiping at her eyes. "And these hormones... I can't stop crying." She sighed again and closed her eyes.
"Shh..." He lightly caressed her. "I-I'm done talking," he whispered.
She hugged him and kissed his neck. "Just answer something for me. Please."
He tensed, apprehensive. "What?"
"You know that I love you, and that no matter what..." She grabbed his hand and held it tightly over her stomach. "We'll always be around. You know that, don't you?"
He closed his eyes and bit his lower lip. "I...I like to think that, yes."
She snuggled willingly into his arms. "Until the day you tell me you don't want me around. And even then, I won't go without a fight, remember?"
"I...remember. I'll never make that mistake again. As hard as it was for me to lose my mother...I would never survive losing you."
A shiver went down her spine. "And what makes you think I could survive losing you?"
"You... are stronger than I am. You'd survive."
"I'm not as strong as you think, Bobby. I'm only strong when we're together."
"Bullshit. I know better. Don't sell yourself short."
She smiled. "It's true. I... couldn't even function at that hospital." She shook her head and slid her hands under his shirt.
"It might not be an easy thing to do, but you would survive it."
Her chest tightened. "Bobby... I don't want to think about that. Not now," she whispered, unwilling to move from his arms. "I love you, in ways that I thought I couldn't ever again. I hope you know that."
He gently caressed her hair, equally unwilling to release her. "I love you, too, baby. And I hope I haven't...caused any more grief for you today. Please, don't feel bad for me because of my past. It's not worth the energy to get upset."
"I'm upset, but I'll be fine."
"Don't be."
"I'll be fine," she repeated firmly, finally raising her head so she could look into his eyes. "What about you?"
He shrugged. "What about me?"
"Don't shrug at me, Goren. You know what I mean. Are you going to be okay?"
"I'll be fine," she repeated firmly, finally raising her head so she could look into his eyes. "What about you?"
"Have you ever known me not to be? I've adjusted to my life, Eames."
She sighed, snuggling against him so she could hear his rapid heartbeat. "I know. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about you."
"Eames...Alex...please...don't worry..."
She rolled her eyes. "Bobby, I've always worried about you. And now I'm going to be a mom. I'm pretty sure it comes with the territory of having a family."
He kissed her temple. "Focus on the baby, then. I'm fine."
"I do that, and this kid is going to be neurotic before she's big enough to walk," she said, laughing softly.
He arched an eyebrow. "Uh, let's not do that, okay?"
She laughed again and hugged him. "Don't worry, Bobby. Between the two of us, I think we'll do just fine with this little one."
"I hope so."
"Just as long as you and Mike don't let her walk all over you."
He raised his eyebrows in mock innocence. "Me? What are you talking about?"
She playfully poked him. "I've seen Mike with Kiska, and he's more of a hard ass than you. I can already see it."
"A hard ass? Logan's a pushover."
"Yeah, when it comes to that little girl."
"You don't know him like I do."
"Maybe not, but I have seen him with his baby. And he doesn't have much of a backbone when it comes to Carolyn, either."
His mouth quirked. "As a cop he's a hard ass, but Mike has a good heart...once you can find it."
She smiled. "I know. I've seen it."
His smile faded a little and he added, "He's a good friend, too."
"He is," she agreed. Then she started laughing again. "He's also probably eating us out of house and home right now."
"Let him. He's earned it."
"He sure has." She frowned a little and rested her hand over her stomach.
"What's wrong?"
"The baby." She inhaled sharply. "She's never kicked this hard before."
"Maybe 'she' isn't a 'she,' Alex."
She looked at him. "That bugs you, doesn't it?" she asked teasingly. "Do you want to know why I refer to 'her' as a 'her'?"
"Why?" he answered, adding, "And no, it doesn't bug me."
"Well, you know that I just want a happy, healthy baby." A glint appeared in her eye. "I'm not like you, Bobby. I do... want a little girl just a little more."
"That's all right...you're allowed."
"I'm carrying this kid, Goren. I'd better be allowed," she teased, placing her palms on his chest and carefully pushing him back against the mattress.
He let her bully him onto his back and he grinned sadly. Reaching up, he brushed her hair back out of her face.
She kissed him, then rolled over and laid on her side, keeping her hand on her stomach. "I still can't believe it sometimes," she murmured, reaching out for contact by resting her other hand against his warm skin.
"Believe what?"
She nodded at her stomach. "That there's a little you growing in there." She grinned. "But then I get kicked or have a strong craving for something really weird."
"That's almost frightening, you know."
"Yeah, sometimes." She found his hand and wrapped hers tightly around his. "But it's a good kind of frightening to me."
"The jury's still out in my mind."
She snuggled into his side. "I get a little scared too, sometimes," she admitted sadly. "Almost like it's going to be... the same as last time."
"The same...you mean...that this baby won't be yours?"
She sighed softly. "I know it's ridiculous, but that's how I feel sometimes. And the dreams don't help."
"Oh, baby...not this time. This time, when all is said and done, you'll be bringing home a little one...to your home...our home."
She rested one arm across his chest and laid her head on his arm. "I know... but it's just that little voice in the back of my head, you know?"
"What can we do to chase it away?"
"Nothing. I guess it's one of those things that... just won't go away, for now."
"No one is going to take your baby away, Alex. I promise."
"Our baby," she corrected him softly as the tears started again.
"For now...you're doing all the work."
She smiled a little. "Fine. Then you can be the one who gets rid of my family when they show up ten minutes after she's born."
"Now why would I do that?"
"Because I'll have my gun, and I'll shoot them myself if you don't. That's what they did last time."
"It's different this time. No vultures waiting to swoop down and take your baby away," he promised. "So far, the only thing I've done was help create this life, and I have to admit, that was about as far from work as I get. I'm going to make that up to you after he's born."
She smiled, then thought for a minute. "You can start right now, you know?"
"Oh? Aside from recreating the conception, what can I do?"
"That works, too." She sat up in the bed, rubbing her stomach slowly. "But I was thinking along the lines of some Rocky Road ice cream and salt and vinegar chips."
He raised an eyebrow. "Okay...as long as I don't have to sample." He laid a hand over his queasy stomach. "Or watch..."
She shrugged and climbed out of the bed. "Your loss," she said, walking to the door. "I think there's still some turkey and marshmallow fluff in there... if Mike hasn't eaten it all."
"Alex?"
She turned and looked at him expectantly. "What, Bobby?"
"I love you," he said simply.
She couldn't suppress the smile that lit up her face. "I love you, too," she easily replied. Then she turned and walked out of the bedroom.
Mike looked up from the plate of leftovers as Alex came into the living room. "Everything okay?"
She smiled. "We had a good talk, and I think he's feeling a lot better. And so am I."
"Good."
She walked up to him and rested a hand on his back. "Thanks for coming, Mike," she said softly.
"I'm glad I could help. He can be very stubborn."
"Yes, he can." She sat down beside him, resting her head on her hand.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing. He just told me that he's not willing to get rid of my family," she said with a grin.
"Why would he try? He comes with the emotional trauma of an abusive childhood and you come with your family. It's part of the package. He knows that."
"That's not what I meant. I told him that my family would probably be right there not ten minutes after she's born, and I've dealt with them before. I told him that if he didn't, I'd shoot them." She shook her head. "Now I'm sure he's going to check the bag we take to the hospital for a gun."
Mike laughed. "Think about it, sweetheart. He has no family. His childhood sucked, and he's had no one up till now. He would never interfere with your family and their love for you. That's something that's precious to him because he knows what it's like not to have it. And I understand exactly how he feels. I wouldn't interfere either...well, to a point. He's got a lot more patience and diplomacy than I do."
"He does. And you're right. But I swear, if they all show up at the same time, I will find somewhere to hide."
Mike grinned. "He'll find you."
"That's fine. But if he brings them..."
"He'll convince you to face them. You know he will."
She groaned and let her head fall back. "I'm probably... just being paranoid. He knows that."
"He's a smart guy, about most things."
"Yeah, most things." Her stomach growled, and she rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I hear you," she said to her belly.
"Sit down," he insisted, gently grasping her wrist when she moved to stand up. "I'll get you something before I take off. What do you want?"
She grinned. "Are you sure you want to know?"
"Probably not. But let's hear it."
"Hmm... some of that turkey, and some marshmallow fluff and sour cream. And some salt and vinegar chips. I think they're up in one of the cabinets."
He made a face but swallowed his comment and headed to the kitchen. "Turkey with marshmallow fluff and sour cream, right..."
"I told you," she called after him.
A few minutes later, he returned with a plate of turkey and potato chips along with two small bowls, one containing sour cream, the other marshmallow fluff. "Hey, I don't have to eat it," he said with a grin. "I'm not even sure I could eat it." He retrieved a glass of milk for her and took care of his plate and coffee cup. "I'm gonna take off before the roads get any worse. Tell Bobby I said good night."
"I will," she said with a smile. "Thanks again, Mike. Tell the girls I said hi."
"Will do. Good night."
"Good night." She watched him leave, then turned her attention to her dinner.
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The wind whipped around the two men as they headed down the street away from Mike's apartment. Hunkering down into their coats, they trudged through the snow and slush, entering a small bar four blocks away. It was a smoky little place, but it was convenient to both of their apartments.
The pool table in the back was being used so they sat at the bar and ordered. "I've got a favor to ask," Mike said.
"Sure."
"Carolyn wants to move. I found a place not too far away, but I'm gonna need a hand moving furniture..."
"That's fine. I'll help. Now I want to ask you something."
"Shoot."
He fished a hand into his pocket and handed a small blue velvet box to him. Mike opened the box and studied the ring nestled in the box. "Wow. How many paychecks did that set you back?"
"That's not important. Do you think she'll like it?"
"I think you nailed it, buddy. It's beautiful, but not flashy. She's not the kind of girl who goes for bling, and this is understated enough to be classy. Yeah, she'll love it. You're gonna ask her, aren't you?"
Bobby nodded as he took the ring back and slipped it into his pocket. "She's having my baby, Mike. I have to make it...legitimate. And..." He looked into his drink. "She puts up with me...and she loves me. I'm never gonna find another woman like her, and I don't want to try. I'm done."
"Good for you."
"What about you?"
"Me? Married? I dunno. She took off on me once when things got tough. I'm a little gun-shy right now. Give me some time and...maybe. I loved her once and I got burnt. It's gonna take some time to get back there."
Bobby looked toward the back room. "The table's free. Come on."
"Quarter a ball?"
"Feeling lucky tonight?"
"Not especially...let's make it a dime."
Bobby laughed as they headed from the bar into the back room to play pool.
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Three nights later, Bobby dropped Alex off at home after work and told her he had something to do, promising not to be too late. She understood how he got and she always gave him his space. He asked her to keep dinner for him and he headed out of the city toward John Eames' house.
John opened the door, surprised to find his daughter's partner standing on the porch. "Bobby? Come on in. Is everything all right?"
"Yes, sir. I wanted to talk to you about something...important."
"Sure. Coffee? It's cold out there tonight." "Thank you." He shrugged out of his coat and hung it on the coat hooks lining the wall behind the door. Stepping down into the living room, his eyes perused the room out of long habit. It was a cozy, comfortable room, and in his mind's eye he could see Alex and her siblings gathered there on a similar cold night, doing homework and teasing one another. A soft smile touched his face and he was glad she had memories like that one to cushion her life. John returned and handed him a coffee mug. "Cream, no sugar, right?"
Bobby was impressed that he remembered. "Yes. Thank you."
"Sit down, son. Is everything all right between you and Alex?"
"Yes, sir. Things are fine."
"We missed you Christmas Day."
"I-I'm sorry about that. I...had a difficult day. It was the first...since my mother died..."
John nodded. "Alex explained. Don't apologize; I understand. Are you all right now?"
"I'm about as all right as I get," he admitted. "Thanks to Alex...which is why I came to talk to you."
John nodded and waited as Bobby studied his hands and shifted nervously. "Mr. Eames, I have always taken care of Alex. She's my partner and I value that more than I can say. I...never meant to fall in love with her, but I did. And she...she's everything to me. I...I would like to ask her...to marry me...an-and I...I would really like to do that with your blessing, sir."
John studied the younger man intently. Finally, he spoke. "Alex was married to a cop once before, and that turned into a deep tragedy for her. You know that. Normally, I would caution her against another marriage to another cop. But my daughter loves you very much. I can see that in her. I have a soft spot for my daughter, Bobby, and I only want to see her happy. With you, she is. You have my blessing, son."
Bobby let out a breath he had not even realized he was holding. "Thank you, Mr. Eames. I...I will take care of her."
"I know you will, Bobby."
They talked for a short while longer before Bobby said good night and headed home, feeling more at peace with himself than he ever had before in his life.
TBC...
A/N: Well, there ya'll have it. Bobby wants to pop the question to Alex. (big cheesy grin) Many of ya'll had been asking about that, and there's ya'll's answer. We hope this was an enjoyable chapter for everyone, and that you lovely readers will review! Thanks again for reading!