What it means to be SOLDIER

"Um…hey Zack…?" Cloud asked hesitantly, his nervousness growing as he dared to ask the powerful First Class Zack Fair a question.

Usually, Cloud followed the protocol, and in the protocol it wasn't necessarily forbidden to talk to your superiors, it was a unspoken rule in SOLDIER. Infantrymen and SOLDIERs, especially First Classes, don't interact much. Orders and instructions are the only words they exchange.

But Zack…he was so casual about it. Like ranks didn't even exist in his vocabulary, like he didn't give two pennies about rules and the protocol. He didn't care what Shinra thought, didn't care what Lazard or the other SOLDIERs thought of him. And Cloud admired him for that.

Zack was ambitious, he was aiming to become a hero, maybe even greater than Sephiroth and somehow, even though Cloud just met him, he believed Zack could actually pull it off. Their first meeting seemed distant now, as if they had been friends for years one would say, though Cloud sometimes wished he still wasn't so nervous and reluctant to ask him a question.

"Yeah?" Zack replied easily, looking down at the shorter cadet expectantly.

Cloud's shyness grew a little but he forced himself to ask:" Um…what's it like? To be in SOLDIER?" he had never asked him that question before, despite wanting to since ages. He hoped Zack wouldn't get mad or annoyed at his questioning. He heard from his fellow infantrymen that whenever they ask too many questions – or sometimes any at all- that the higher ups were quick to snap or ignore them.

Thankfully Zack was different.

"I don't quite get the question," he crossed his arms, gauging Cloud's expression.

"Um…" Cloud had no idea what to say, was his question too stupid to even be answered? Did Zack feel uncomfortable by it? He didn't look angry, rather curious and slightly perplexed.

Zack uncrossed his arms and looked up briefly at the snowy sky:" Well, once you join, you'll know what it's like."

It wasn't that Zack felt…uncomfortable answering Cloud's question directly, it was just that…there too many things to say about SOLDIER and too little time to put it all into short, compact words. He didn't want to force Cloud what to think of SOLDIER, the boy would make his own picture of it once he joined.

Cloud looked very troubled and uncomfortable. Did Zack say something wrong?

"If I can join, that is…" Cloud's shoulders slumped in defeat, his blue eyes downcast to his boots in shame. He wouldn't tell Zack that he had already been denied by SOLDIER, better to spare him the embarrassment of a First Class laughing at him. Though he somehow got the impression that Zack wasn't the type to point a finger at someone and laugh at their misfortunes.

Zack's reply caught Cloud off guard," Don't sweat it! If I can do it, you can, too." His words were encouraging to Cloud, though not to fully motivate him and give him false hopes but enough to encourage him to continue trying.

He would try. For his reason for even joining SOLDIER in the first place, for that girl.

"Zack?" Cloud asked his friend, he even dared to call the First Class a "friend" now.

Zack always greeted him cheerfully, accepting, even in front of other Thirds and Seconds and even in front of Sephiroth, it wasn't an act, Zack really considered him a friend, so Cloud would do the same.

It was nice having Zack as a friend, he was so easy going, easy to talk to, to joke with even in more serious situations, he encouraged Cloud to try harder and never give up. And Cloud looked up at Zack for that.

"Hm?" The First hummed, laying on the bed in the inn they were staying at.

"Do you…do you think…there are…foolish reasons for joining SOLDIER?" the blonde bit his lip in worry, his blue eyes held fear and apprehension in them as he waited for Zack's answer.

Zack was quite for minutes, long minutes, obviously taking time to really consider Cloud's question.

And then he spoke," Well, if you are looking to run away from home just cause you are angry at your parents then yeah…that's a stupid reason. Or if you want to get the attention of girls, that's even worse." Zack paused and Cloud waited with baited breath.

The First sighed heavily, sitting up with his arm resting on one bent knee. He thought for a moment before he looked Cloud in the eyes and asked:" What was your reason for joining Cloud?"

Cloud felt waves upon waves of embarrassment crashing into him. Zack just said that joining SOLDIER to impress girls was a stupid reason, what would he think of him if he told him the truth?

"And don't lie. Whatever the reason is, I'm sure it's a good one. I don't get the impression that you're an airhead just to join SOLDIER for the hell of it." He offered Cloud a light, kind smile, encouraging him to say something.

And he did, "Well….um, actually…I joined SOLDIER because…I, I promised a girl here in Nibelheim that whenever she was in trouble, that I would come and save her. I felt unworthy to protect her because I was so weak, so I left Nibelheim to join SOLDIER and become strong. To keep my promise to her." Cloud looked away to avoid seeing Zack's expression.

"I-I know it's a silly reason to join SOLDIER but-"

"It's not."

That startled the poor blonde, his head quickly snapped to the side to look at Zack, his smile was warm and kind, not judgmental or disgusted like Cloud thought he would be.

"Why would it be a foolish reason to join SOLDIER to protect the one you love?" the way Zack phrased it…while it was the truth, it sounded different to Cloud's ears now, like his reason for wanting to protect Tifa wasn't foolish at all.

"Thanks Zack…why did you join SOLDIER?" the blonde asked his companion and the man answered after long minutes.

"I always wanted to become a hero, help people, protect people who can't protect themselves, help them rebuild their lives and live in peace…" Zack's gaze turned to the floor, he looked like he wanted to say something else.

"Zack?" Cloud asked hesitantly, worry for his friend evident in his tone. The air grew thick in the room the longer Zack took to reply.

And finally, he did, "But….I'm not so sure anymore Cloud. I mean, my goals haven't changed but…" he sighed heavily, running a hand down his face. Then he turned to look Cloud directly in the eyes.

"I'm not sure if working for Shinra and being a part of SOLDIER will really help me achieve those dreams." That took Cloud by surprise, when he first met the First Class, he was very loyal to SOLDIER, talking about it like it was the best thing that happened in his life, but now?

"What do you mean? I thought you loved being a SOLDIER and working for Shinra." Cloud tilted his head to the side, not quite understanding what possessed his friend to change his mind.

"I did…at least I used to…", he averted his gaze from the blonde cadet, "SOLDIER is like a den of monsters. Don't go inside." He lifted his head to look directly at Cloud, trying to make the man understand the deeper meaning.

It seemed that was all Zack was going to say on the matter, the frown on Cloud's face remained.

What did Zack mean with that?

Could it be that SOLDIER wasn't what it's supposed to be?

Could it be that Shinra isn't what they are supposed to be?

Cloud never knew he would find out the hard way, he hasn't signed up for this.

Cloud felt as if decades passed ever since Sephiroth went insane and burned down Nibelheim, ever since he lost his mother in the fire and Shinra covered their tracks to prevent their downfall, ever since…Zack died.

Cloud looked up at the blue sky, white clouds slowly floating by. The sky always reminded Cloud of Zack, maybe it was because of the color of his eyes, or maybe it was because his best friend was similar to the sky: bright and calm yet sometimes a storm of emotions threatening to consume everything in its wake.

He remembered his talk with Zack, back then he had been a simple infantryman and Zack a strong First Class, maybe even stronger than Sephiroth. If Zack hadn't been so exhausted from dragging Cloud's then-comatose state with him day and night, fend off hundreds of SOLDIERs, then maybe he would have beat Sephiroth in their battle.

The blonde shook his head, no, he was sure he would have. Because there was more to Zack than just simple, physical strength.

He had had something to protect, something to cherish. It had been Aerith, it had been his parents in Gongaga, his dreams and honor, it had been Angeal, it had been Tifa, it had been Cloud himself. Sephiroth however, had nothing to protect, he only wanted power, world domination…

Cloud closed his eyes with his face toward the sky and he could almost see his deceased friend's face looking back at him with a bright smile.

Hey, would you say I became a hero?

We are friends, right?

If you want to be a hero, you need to have dreams and honor.

Cloud swallowed hard, emotions threatening to consume his entire being as his hands clenched into tight fists, trying to stop the onslaught of tears.

SOLDIER, doesn't mean monster.

We are not monsters you hear me? We are SOLDIER!

Hey, are you ok?

Zack had been right. SOLDIER didn't mean monster.

Shinra meant monster, for what they did to Sephiroth, what they did to Genesis and Angeal, what they did to Zack and him…to Tifa, Nibelheim, Vincent, Tifa, Denzel and Marlene…everyone…

"Why…." His blue mako eyes opened, looking up at the vast sky, "Why…didn't you tell me Zack? Why didn't you tell me what Shinra had been up to? We could have stopped it…you could have stopped it…" he blinked back the hot, stinging pain behind his eyes.

"Are you sure about that Cloud?" a deep yet familiar voice reached to Cloud, he thought he would never hear it again.

"Zack?" he swallowed, realizing he was what seemed to be in the Lifestream or at least in his illusion, as if he were standing directly on the clouds, on the sky.

"Shinra was powerful back then, more powerful than you could imagine. They were the reason Sephiroth turned into the bloodthirsty monster that destroyed Nibelheim, they were stronger than Sephiroth, than anyone." Zack paused, his back turned to Cloud as he lowered his head to think of his next words.

"SOLDIER was an escape route for me…had been. From Gongaga, from the boring life of a farmer, from all the chores and boring responsibilities my parents tried forcing on me…" he took a breath, "But in reality Shinra was like the worst nightmare you hope you would never have, you can't escape it, can't wake up from it…can't run away from it. The nightmare is endless, it torments you in your sleep, it reveals your greatest fears and exposes you to them…"

Another shaky breath before his voice steadied again, strong, "After my last battle, I realized it. It took me a long time but I realized it. If you survive Shinra, then you can survive anything thrown your way." He turned his head slightly to glance at Cloud from the corner of his eyes, "You survived Cloud. You beat Sephiroth."

Cloud shook his head," It wasn't me. You saved me Zack, you sacrificed yourself. You're the real hero, I'm your living legacy…if it weren't for you we would all be dead."

He let the words hang in the air.

A breeze.

"The breeze sure feels nice huh?" Zack commented, his tone lighter than his hard one at the beginning. Cloud relaxed slightly, the scenery turning brighter.

"Zack…" Cloud clenched his fist.

"Listen Cloud," Zack began, looking straight ahead, "I may not have been the brightest, the strongest or the best SOLDIER out there or even friend…but I hope you won't make the same mistakes I did back then. I hope you know better."

"You were the most honorable, bravest, strongest and best SOLDIER and friend I ever knew and had Zack…" Cloud said, his words sincere and kind.

Zack bowed his head, a smile appearing on his lips.

"Cloud, don't forget what I told you."

"I'm your living-" before Cloud could finish Zack interrupted him.

Zack shook his head, "No.", he smiled, "We are not monsters, we never were."

"Cloud!" Cloud opened his eyes, turning around to spot Tifa walking towards him with a worried expression her face.

Zack was gone but his words weren't.

We are not monsters. We never were.

"Are you alright Cloud?" Tifa asked him slightly concerned, but he just smiled at her warmly.

"Yeah." He hugged her suddenly making Tifa yelp in surprise, after a few minutes he broke away from her and took her hand in his larger one.

"Come on, let's go home." He smiled at her and despite the embarrassed blush on her cheeks, she smiled back, her smile showcasing all her feelings for the man before her.

She squeezed his hand tighter.

We are not monsters. We never were.

Finiiished! Well, I hope you guys enjoyed it! Thanks for reading, reviews are like always VERY appreciated and serve to keep me sane! ^_^ I just own the plot btw!