The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.14)
Disclaimer: Heroes is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.
Peter: Previously On Heroes…
Nathan (To Tracy): What is this?
Tracy: You've been removed from office.
Nathan: Where will I stay?
Angela opens the door to her house.
Claire (To The Bennet Family): I've been offered a job as a Cheerleader Teacher at my old school!
Noah: This company is losing money! We have to get our act together.
Micah (To Elle): I have a business proposition for you.
Niki (To Elle): I need my job back.
Elle: Talk to the new management.
Micah (To Niki): We can fit you in somewhere.
Matt: Janice is a realtor, we got ourselves a sweet condo!
Micah: There's an asteroid headed towards Earth.
Noah: There's only one man for the job.
Micah opens the folder to find a picture of Ted Sprague.
Claire is on the football field. She holds up a megaphone.
Claire: TWO! FOUR! SIX! EIGHT!...
A group of aspiring cheerleaders stand in front of Claire, clueless.
Claire: ….TEN! TWELVE! FOURTEEN!
The cheerleaders look at each other.
Claire: Welcome, future cheerleaders of the world. I am your mentor, Claire Bennet. And I will be teaching you the art….of the cheer. Let's do some warm ups.
Claire holds up her megaphone again. On the side it reads:
Chapter Fourteen 'Bring It Off'
Claire (into the megaphone): …Oh…Crap…
Claire locks her sights on a sidewalk outside of the school to see Matt wheeling a hot dog cart.
Matt: Oh my gosh! CLAIRE! Is that you?
Claire: NO! NO IT'S NOT! You are mistaken, sir.
Matt: I'm coming over to say hi!
Claire: DON'T!
Matt: I'm about to get off work!
Matt pushes the hot dog cart into the street as a car slams into it. He starts running toward the field.
Claire (crying): DAMMIT!...
Meanwhile, through the scope of a sniper rifle, Noah Bennet waits outside of Ted Sprague's apartment in a parking lot across the street. Elle and The Haitian are with him.
Elle: UGH! This is so boring. Let me hold the sniper rifle.
Noah: No way! We are to hunt one person and one person only…Ted Sprague.
Haitian: Uh….I think we're supposed to request his help….not kill him.
Noah: Same thing.
Noah holds up the rifle, aiming sights on his front door.
Noah: He's got to come out sometime.
Elle: Seriously, Mr. B! I want to hold the gun.
Noah: NO!
Elle: Gimme!
Noah: No, I said!
Noah turns his attention back on the front door which closes.
Noah: DAMN! I missed him. Thanks a lot!
Elle: Shut up!
Noah: You shut up!
They start slapping each other. The Haitian shakes his head.
Niki is sitting at a desk….at The Company Sans Deux.
Niki: Which is a horrible name. They could've just as easily changed it back to just The Company….idiots.
Mohinder, who is sitting across from her.
Mohinder: No talking!
Niki: You're not my boss!
Mohinder: No, but I am your superior. I was hired first.
Niki: By like…an hour!
Mohinder: I still outrank you.
Niki rolls her eyes. She looks at a clock in front of her, the minutes are going slowly. She concentrates really hard on the clock.
Mohinder: What are you doing?
Niki: This day will be over before you know it…..
The minute hand clicks forward.
Niki: YATTA!
Mohinder: Congratulations, you just made time jump one minute faster than it was a minute ago. Watch out, Hiro…..
Niki: Hmph!...
Meanwhile, there is a knock on the door. At Angela's house.
Angela (standing in front of the door): Oh god, I hope it's not Nathan.
Nathan (behind her): I'm already here!
Angela: Oh yeah, forgot about that.
She opens the door to find Samson Grey, holding roses.
Angela: Samson! What is the meaning of this?
Samson: Angela, my darling! I made a terrible mistake! Please! Take me back!
Angela: Uh….I broke off the marriage with you…not the other way around.
Samson: But….doesn't me taking the blame kinda…..help?
Angela: No…..I mean it's a definite start….but it's over, Samson. Goodbye!
She closes the door gently.
Nathan (inside): How come the door gets closed gently on him and I get slammed in the face!
Samson: I will win her back.
Girl Scout: Good luck, Mister. The only thing she cares about is sponsoring her granddaughter's cheerleading team.
Samson: What kind of cookies are those?
Girl Scout: Samoa's!
3 minutes later.
Samson (finishing off the cookies): I got an idea! I know what I must do….
Girl Scout: Are you going to pay for those?
Samson: No.
= = = HEROES = = =
Peter is on the phone, he calls Claire.
Claire (answering her cell): What do you want, Peter?
Peter: Ahh, hostile!
Claire: I'm sorry….I'm coaching a cheerleading team and Matt is ruining everything.
She clamps her mouth shut…realizing what she has just done.
Peter: Did you say…..
Claire: NO! NO I DIDN'T!
Peter drops the phone. He crosses his arms and teleports.
Claire (on the phone): Peter?
Peter appears behind her.
Clarie: AHHH! Peter? Where the hell did you come from?...And when can you teleport?
Peter: Don't ask….
-Last night flashback-
Nathan is watching tv. Peter enters the room, dancing. His hands are together moving them side to side.
Peter: Nathan! Help!
Nathan: Dude, what's with the Bollywood dancing thing?
Peter: I ran into Monica at the store and took her power and came home to watch a six hour marathon of I Dream Of Jeannie on Nick At Nite and I can't stop dancing. Help me, Nathan! I'm so tired I'm going to throw up!
Nathan grabs a beer bottle from the table and sets it next to Peter. Peter gets sucked into the bottle.
Peter: WAAAAHHH!
Nathan: WOW! That actually worked! Cool!
Peter: This is not my magic lamp!...Hic!
-End-
Peter: And that's also why I'm a little drunk.
Claire has her megaphone stuffed over her head.
Meanwhile….in the parking lot.
Noah: Almost….come out already!
Elle and The Haitian are playing Jacks.
Haitian: What an unusual game.
Elle: This game sucks, that's what it is! I can't get past one-sies!
Noah (looking through the scope): OOH! THE DOOR OPENED!
Elle and The Haitian run over.
Elle: That's doesn't look like Ted Sprague.
Maya Herrera steps out of her apartment.
Elle: Mr. B! That's Maya from Season 2! This address is way off.
Noah: Well, Mohinder gave it to me….so it's his fault. It is like his first day or something.
Elle: This is what you get for not letting me hold the gun.
Maya spots Noah holding the rifle across the street. She screams and runs around in a panic.
Noah: Now look what you did!
Elle: I didn't do that!
Maya starts seeping black poison from her eyes.
Noah: Is that what I think it is?
Elle: That black crap coming from her eyes? You bet. It's pure oil! Bubbling crude! Black gold! Texas Tea! It's…OH MY GOD MY EYES!
Noah and The Haitian look at Elle. Black poison is seeping from her eyes as well.
Elle: Is my mascara running?
The Haitian screams and falls to the floor. Poisons seeps from his eyes.
Noah: Oh this is unbelievable. You two are just…ooohhhhhAAAAAHHHH! WHAT IS THAT! WHAT IS THAT!
Noah starts crying poison.
Elle: IT BURNS! AHHHHH!
Noah (To The Haitian): Make her stop!
Haitian: I can't!...AHHHH!
Elle: AHHHHH!
Noah: AHHHHH!
The poison gets on Elle's clothes. Noah slips and flops into a pool of it.
Noah: We have to stop the poison or were going to die!
Elle: It's not poison! It's Black Gold! Texas Tea!
Noah: SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!
Elle: You shut up!
She scoops up some black muck and slings it at Noah.
Noah: Seriously?
Haitian: I can't feel my face! I can't feel my face!
Elle: Noah….Mr. B…..Whatever…..you have to shoot her!
Noah: Huh?
Elle: If she's dead it'll stop.
Haitian: She's probably right.
Noah: I can't see! There's too much goop!
Noah aims the gun while Maya is still screaming.
Elle: SHOOT HER!
Noah: I can't see, dammit!
Elle and Haitian: SHOOT HER!
Elle: SHOOT HER NOW!
Noah fires and misses, hitting Maya's car. It explodes.
Maya: My car! AHHH! I'm so stressed!
Poisons starts flooding out of her eyes.
Noah: AHHH!
Elle: Now it's even worse!
Noah (face covered in black goop): Somebody….call Micah…..call 911…..
Elle: My eyes feel like somebody put toothpicks in them and plucked them out like olives!
Noah and The Haitian hold each other, screaming.
Noah: Why didn't we get Mohinder and those idiots to do this?
Elle tries to put Visine Eye Drops in her eyes.
Meanwhile, back on the football field. The cheerleaders are stretching. Matt and Peter discuss.
Peter: We need the most awesome of awesome cheers if we want to win the big game.
Claire: A) There isn't a game coming up. And B) The cheer doesn't determine the winning of the game….the uh…players are kinda responsible for that.
Peter and Matt are shocked.
Peter: Cheering has nothing to do with it?
Matt: Claire, I think Pete and I have a little more experience in this field than you.
Claire: WHAT! It's your first day! I've been doing this almost my entire life!
Matt: And you call yourself a Cheerleader….
Peter: TSK! TSK!
Claire: UGH! This can't get any worse…
Claire turns around to see Samson in a male cheerleaders outfit.
Samson: Hello, Krystal.
Claire: My name is Claire! Who the hell is Krystal?
Samson: I think that name suits you better. Anyway, I came to challenge your team to a cheer-off.
Claire: WHOA! Back up….why?...Just….why?...Why this?
Samson: I'm doing it to win back the heart of your Grandmother.
Claire: Gross. Anyway….forget it. I want nothing to do with you or your messed up family.
Samson: I think you'd be happy to oblige….or I'll tell everybody you're cheating on your boyfriend!
Claire: I don't have a boyfriend….wait….
Claire notices Samson holding a book, she swipes it.
Claire: You cut out a picture of my head and taped it on the front of one of those crappy Harlequin Romance Novels!
Samson: It's a book I'm passing around the school. It took forever to replace all of the main heroine's names with Claire.
Claire: Why didn't you just find a book where the main chick's name is Claire.
Samson: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
Claire: It's a common name….it wouldn't have been hard.
Samson: Not listening.
Claire: Hell, you could have wrote your own book.
Samson: I'm…..(he looks off into the distance).
Claire: What….what are you doing?
Samson: ….I'll be back.
Claire: Oh my god! Somebody rip out my tongue!
Peter: I've tried that. It just grows back.
Matt: Neat!
Niki is still bored at the office.
Niki: So…Mohinder.
Mohinder: Why are you still talking, subordinate?
Niki: It's really neat working in an office in the big city like this.
Mohinder: You act like this is the first time we've done this job.
Niki: But we were agents back then. Now we're in the office living it up…..we're like those cool cats from Mad Men.
-Circa 1960-
Niki walks into the office.
Niki: Hello, Mohinder. Isn't is great living in the Swingin Sixties.
Mohinder: It sure is. Let's dance.
Niki and Mohinder get on their desks and start dancing.
Niki: I'm doing…The Flapper!
Mohinder: I'm doing….The Charleston!
Niki: I'm doing….The One-Two Boogaloo!
Mohinder: I'm doing….The Electric Girdle!
Niki: What is that?
Mohinder: I don't know!
-Present Day-
Mohinder: You've never watched a single episode of Mad Men. Have you?
Niki: I have not.
The door slams open. Noah, Elle, and Mohinder walk in….covered in black goop.
Mohinder: Oh my….
Niki: What the hell happened to you guys?
Noah: We had a run in with Miss Herrera.
Niki: Maya?
Elle: Yeah….Mohinder gave us a bogus address.
Mohinder: My mistake….so…um…..Did Maya ask about me?
Noah: You're fired.
The three of them walk away.
Niki: Wow….Mohinder….you….are pathetic!
Mohinder: Don't judge me…..I'm your superior.
Niki: You just got fired!
Mohinder: That doesn't matter….
Back on the field.
Claire: Okay, girls. Now that those two are gone…..let's practice some cheers.
Claire picks up her pom poms.
Claire: Who do we want? THE WILDCATS! Who do we want to win? THE WILDCATS! What's that team again? THE WILDCATS!
Cheerleader: This school is the Eagles.
Other Cheerleader: Did you even go to this school?
Matt and Peter show up.
Matt: Thanks Claire, we'll take it from here.
Claire: I didn't ask for your help!
Matt: Okay, ladies. Peter and I have been practicing. And…..hit it!
Peter: You put your right hand in…..
Matt: You put your right hand out….
Claire: Oh lord.
Peter: You put your right hand in…..
Matt: And you shake it all about…..
Matt and Peter: You do the Hokey Pokey then you…..
Claire: ENOUGH!
Matt: Well, if you're going to have THAT attitude. I guess you won't be participating in the game we signed you up for.
Claire: You did what now?
Matt: Big game. Tonight!
Claire: Tonight! We haven't practiced.
Peter: That's okay….ladies just do everything Claire says. Matt and I have to go place our bets.
Claire: My head hurts.
Later….Noah, Elle, and The Haitian are at The Olive Garden Restaurant.
Elle: Well, Mr. B. I have to say this is very nice of you to take your top two agents out to a fancy meal.
Noah: Phhff! Yeah right. Buy your own food. I'm here on a mission.
Elle: HOW RUDE!
Noah: Micah was able to do a background check on Mr. Sprague and that he is currently employed at this Olive Garden.
Elle: What makes you think he'll be our waiter?
Noah: I didn't think about that.
Waitress: Hello, welcome to Olive Garden, I'm your waitress, Maya.
The three look at Maya Herrera who is about to take their order.
Noah: Oh crap….
Maya: You are the ones who tried to kill me and blew up my car! AHHHHHH! I'M SO STRESSED!
She starts crying poison again.
Elle: AHH! NOT AGAIN!
Noah: I just had my suit dry cleaned….AHHHHH! OW! OW! OW!
The Haitian falls to the floor in pain. Noah and Elle do the same. The other customers sit there and watch…confused.
Elle, whose face is covered in black poison, manages to climb back to the table. She grabs a bread stick and falls back to the ground.
Meanwhile, at the big game. Claire, Matt and Peter are in the stands.
Claire: Did you guys place your bets?...Jerks.
Matt: Sure did. This school's team kinda sucks. So we're rooting for the Wildcats!
Claire: This school is the Wildcats!
Peter: No it's not, it's The Eagles…..
Matt: Yeah, Claire….Did you even go to this school?
Claire: Yeah!...I think….
Peter: We'll I'm sure all that training will pay off.
The Wildcats Cheerleaders get through cheerleading and run back. Claire's Cheerleaders run out.
Claire: Oh…..oh no….
Cheerleaders: GO WILDCATS!
The fans look confused and start booing.
Matt: Tee hee! The fans are going to revolt and the team will forfeit. We're gonna win by default.
Peter: Woo hoo!
Peter and Matt jump up and down. Claire walks off. As she's walking home, she spots Samson looking inside her house.
Claire: What are you doing?
Samson: I'm giving Angela the exclusive copy of my new book on love and romance.
Claire: Puke. Anyway…..let me see.
She swipes it out of his hands.
Claire: I can't believe you wrote a book starring me. That's disturbing!
Samson: Get over yourself. I wrote it starring my true love….Angela Petrelli.
Claire: That's even more disturbing.
Samson (swiping it back): I'm going to give it to her to convince her I'm her one true love.
Claire: Ugh….I've had about enough of this. I'm going home.
Samson: Where is she? She didn't release the hounds….maybe she's not home.
Back at The Olive Garden.
Angela: Oh, Nathan….it's so sweet that you wanted to take your dear old mother out to dinner.
Nathan: You threatened to kick me out if I didn't!
Noah, Elle, and The Haitian get wheeled out on stretchers by the paramedics.
Angela: This service is terrible…where is our waiter?...Waiter! Can we get some drinks?
Ted walks over to their table.
Ted (deadpan): Welcome to the Olive Garden. What do you want to drink?
Angela: I'll have a Mimosa.
Nathan: And I'll have a Diet Coke with Lime….but I don't want the lime in it. I just want you to take it and rub it around the rim of the glass so I can just taste a hint of lime….I don't like full blown lime in my drink….it tastes like bug spray. .
Ted: Two waters….thanks.
He closes his book and walks off.
Angela: Well…..he better bring us bread sticks.
Nathan: Oh yeah, totally.
To Be Continued.