Wounds to Bind Chapter 14 – "You mean well, but you make this hard on me." Sara Bareilles, Love Song
Friday, July 8 – CPOV
For almost an hour; Sela explains the difference between deep pressure therapy versus light touch therapy. She claims a light touch alerts the nervous system; but deep pressure therapy relaxes and calms the nervous system. I let her demonstrate a light touch on my arm versus a deep pressure touch so I know the difference. She explains the use of a pressure box calms some people who have touch issues.
We talk about hugging my mom and sister. She suggests people like me are able to endure bear hugs which they initiate and if they are the ones to end the hug.
She explains there are social cues for touching. If I learn to read social cues, I will be able to tolerate touch. Her explanations remind me of exercises used to keep a submissive from fidgeting. I remember laying on my submissives before or after sex; ordering them not to move. The Blanket pose is said to calm the most active mind. It puts the submissive in the headspace of pausing thinking and action to allow the proper mindset to be developed. I used the Blanket pose with Charlotte and Sabine a lot. It helped Charlotte step away from her medical studies and it helped Sabine step away from the business world.
Sela explains some people with touch issues purchase special weighted blankets which help them sleep. We talk about my sleep issues – night terrors, needing the door and windows closed while I sleep, my body overheating and sweating. Before she married, she used a weighted blanket which helped her to sleep for six hours at a time. Since marrying her husband, they use normal bed linens and he needs the bedroom window open a crack.
"How does that work for you?" I asked, giving Flynn a smirk.
"Negotiation and respect. I want what I want; he wants what he wants. When those wants mesh…it's a great thing. When they don't, we negotiate to make one another happy and to meet some of our desires. I don't need the weighted blanket, the closed bedroom doors and windows and sleeping pills to get through the night. I need him…because I remember the slogan… Feel safe; sleep with a Marine."
I laugh and tell her Taylor is a Marine. She chuckles.
"Christian, you can limit interaction with people in your life to prevent painful, scary or empty emotions. It doesn't always work…it can leave you trapped in an unfulfilling life. Traumatic events can lead to dissociative survival skills. Some people become drug addicts. Some people become alcoholics. Some people have sexual addictions. Some people inflict their pain on another human. Some people become self-destructive."
"If you don't mind an intrusive question…which one were you?" I asked.
"I was self-destructive. I was a cutter; I cut in order to feel something. When I had to take part in a massage therapy class, my instructor discovered my scars. He locked me in a psychiatric ward over spring break. His intervention saved my life. He knew people who knew people. I started traumatic touch therapy four times. I would get so far and then withdraw. A few weeks later, when I was emotionally overwhelmed again, I would restart therapy. I would progress a little further, but have a meltdown. I had to retreat and regroup until I could face it again. I made it through the fourth time…and found it was what I needed to study and master."
"Why?" I asked.
"My instructor saved my life. I learned to pay it forward. I've had clients who were ex-military with PTSD. I've had clients who were new mothers with post-partum depression and baby-bonding issues. I've helped teenagers who were days away from taking their own lives. I will endeavor to help you, Christian, if you are willing to let me." Sela explained.
"I don't know how long I can do this," I admit.
"You have coping skills…some of them are 24 years old…such as not letting people touch you. I don't believe you are happy with your coping skills." Sela said. "If you get overwhelmed, I won't hunt you down and torture you. Just step away and come back when you can."
"How much did Flynn tell you?' I asked.
"You have touch aversion and are willing to hire me for traumatic touch therapy." Sela said.
"The word for it is haphephobia," I said.
She considered me for a minute and then said. "Are you sure you have haphephobia? Haphephobia is more than fear of touching or of being touched. It's an exaggerated response – protection of your personal space. It's usually developed after a bad experience. More often than not, it is a fear of sexual assault. Many boys who have been the victims of sexual abuse have a fear of being touched. Some of them say touching burns like fire…causing them to freeze or to lash out. Other symptoms include inability to speak or think clearly, breathlessness, dizziness, nausea, dry mouth, shaking and a detachment from reality." She watched my face carefully.
I nodded slowly...I recognize some of those responses.
"Sometimes talking about your issues keeps you stuck in the situation. It's why I think some of your therapists retraumatized you. Verbal therapy usually means extensive sessions. Medicine treats the symptoms; not the cause. Traumatic touch therapy works on releasing muscle memory and on touch acceptance." She watched my face again. "I think I gave you enough to think about tonight." She nodded at Flynn.
"I always end my TTT sessions with exercises. The first one we stand toe to toe. I rest my hands at your elbows. Your hands cup my elbows. There are times when we move and change hand positions, but it is always the same – ten minutes of Flynn asking questions and our replies." She moved into position and waited for me to cup her elbows.
"Tonight I name a letter; you name a movie which begins with a word beginning with the letter. For example, G could be Gone with the Wind, Goonies, or The Great Gatsby. I pick alphabet sticks out of the can." Flynn said. "Ready?" Flynn pulled a stick, "L." We played for ten minutes. Most of Sela's answers were murder mysteries. Mine were movies I saw as a child or as a pre-teen. I'm not much of a movie watcher. It wasn't difficult, having her hands at the crook of my elbows. Perhaps it's because I knew she wouldn't move her hands. Perhaps it was because my hands cupped her elbows so I would have a warning she was about to move her hands.
"Everyone, shoes off," Sela opened the door. "Jason, we're playing in the hall. I won't ask you to play with us, but I will ask you to time us. Additionally, you spin the wheel and tell us what body part we're moving." She handed him the spinner and spread out a Twister sheet and grinned at both Flynn and I. "Fifteen minutes of inadvertent touching. If it gets to be too much, Christian, just say enough and we'll stop. I believe you can handle fifteen minutes easily. Since I'm short; I get a short side. Since the two of you are tall, you get the long sides."
Taylor flicked the spinner. "Right hand red…" and the contest was on.
We were doing fine with just occasional brushes against one another until Flynn tried to move his left foot from red to green. He knocked into Sela who knocked into me. We lay on the floor laughing, looking like rag dolls a child had thrown to the floor during a temper tantrum. Taylor just shook his head; setting the spinner aside and checked us for bruises.
Sela checked with me afterwards to see if I was alright. I admitted I was skeptical, but she had found a way for me to think about something other than would someone break the bubble and touch me. She told me she'll be using the game again before our therapy sessions were over.
Our last exercise for the night was shaking hands goodbye. But Sela didn't shake right hand to right hand. She shook left to left. She said it made you think about your actions and movements because it was not a conditioned response.
XX – 3PPOV
"It doesn't feel right," Striker conferred with his two top men. "Miss Steele's roommate is dating Grey's brother. We assume there was a relationship between Steele and Grey because of the pictures. We don't know who is alerting the media whenever Grey is near Steele's condo. We've investigated Leila Williams Reed; Miss Steele's doppelganger; but we're still operating in the dark because we don't know what motivates her – unless it is a stalker issue. We need information which we won't get until we can find out where she's staying. We don't know why she's hanging around Esclava Salon in Post Alley. We don't know why there's a covey of brunettes hanging around there. We don't know why Grey has a doppelganger, Isaac Reynolds, who works there. We don't' know why Elena Lincoln is interested in Miss Steele. She's spending more time at the Post Alley Salon and goes out of her way to drive past Miss Steele's condo on weekends; like she's watching her."
"We should rethink following Steele to Montesano," one of his men said. "I know her dad spotted me twice over the Fourth of July weekend. I don't think he knows Grey is having his daughter followed."
"I wouldn't bet on that," Striker said. "I think she knows she's being followed. She appears to be close to her father. She may have told him she's being followed. We can't underestimate her. I don't think she carries all the time, but I feel better knowing she has a gun and a carry conceal permit. Did we get her background check?"
"Clean – everyone around her is clean," one of Striker's guys commented.
"Which is a problem?" Striker asked.
"Her boss is too slimy to have a clean record. So, we research him deeper to learn what we can. Research is number one on our list." The employee said.
"No, research is three on our list. We still need to know what is up with Williams and Lincoln. Then we can concentrate on Hyde." Striker said.
"Are you still thinking of having the conversation with her father?" One of them asked.
"Oh yeah…that's a conversation I'm looking forward to…about as much as I enjoyed the bachelor party talk with your fiancée." Striker said.
"Don't take me to a strip club next time, or buy me a lap dance from every dancer." His oldest employee retorted.
Saturday, July 9 – APOV
"Miss Steele," Sawyer swallowed hard when he saw me stow my purse in a locker at the target range. I pocketed the key and picked up my gear box and gun case.
"Sawyer, are you following me?" I asked.
"No, I've been assigned to Mia Grey's protection detail. It's now my job to make sure she isn't photographed in bathrooms or misbehaving." He made a face. "I'm off work today. I have to qualify monthly and Target Rippers is my favorite qualifying range. What are you doing here?"
"I haven't shot since spring break; I wanted to get my arm back. I have my updated carry conceal permit. I brought my gun home from Montesano. Dad says my expertise with my gun is critical to my protection. I just bought a membership here. I'm shooting in Bay 6. Want to watch?" I said as a challenge. He nodded and followed me. I'm wearing jeans, close-toed shoes and a long-sleeve turtleneck t-shirt. We reach Bay 6 and I pull my safety goggles and shooting earmuffs out of my gear box. He does the same.
Sawyer watches as I open my gun case and take out my Glock 17 Gen4. I like the ergonomics of it – the way it fits my hand, the weight, the balance. Loaded, it weighs about two pounds. I never keep it loaded. Ray Steele rule one. I check it, check the sights and then slap a clip into it. I have three loaded clips, 17 bullets each, with me to practice shoot. I hit the fire button so the light goes live at the end of my bay. It signals other patrons there is someone shooting live ammo.
I assume the stance…my feet as wide as my shoulders, my right arm extended, my left hand bracing the bottom of the gun. I begin target practice. Target one is left-hand braced. Target 2/clip 2 is right-handed shooting, no left hand brace. Target 3/clip 3 is low-light shooting. I shoot a highly respectable score for not having shot in several months. I think I impressed Sawyer with my ability to reload quickly and safely. I'm not sure my ability to shoot accurately was as impressive.
"Mr. Grey misses you," Sawyer says.
"It's probably a good thing I didn't hear your comment before I emptied my clips," I said. "I try to maintain calm during practice. Mr. Grey has issues. I have issues. Our issues don't dance well together; especially considering he has issues with my being a gun owner."
I store my three empty clips and I double-check my gun to ensure the chamber is empty before I close and lock the case. I remove my safety gear and stow it away. I wipe my hands down with wet wipes and toss the used ones away. Sawyer offers to take my gun or my gear box but I shake him off. I go to the locker out front, insert my key and remove my purse. While I'm heading to my car; Sawyer asks me to get coffee with him. I explain I can't; I'm meeting a friend. I suggest we'll clean our guns and get coffee the next time I run into him at Target Rippers. Sawyer watches as I lock my gun and gear box in the trunk of my car and drive off.
XX
"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Anastasia." Harley shook my hand. "We are friends meeting for coffee, there's no need to be nervous."
"Ana…just Ana. Thank you for agreeing to meet me after target practice. Did you know I bought a membership at Target Rippers?" I asked. "Is that why we're meeting at a coffee shop close to it and not Pike Place Market?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, we had to investigate you," He shrugged. "I've known Ethan for several years. He thinks your boss is involved in insider trading. It's possible, but we need more information."
"So how do I do this?" I asked.
"May I get you tea and perhaps a sweet?" He said rising.
"English Breakfast tea, very hot water, tea bag out. I'd like some petite fruit scones if they have them," I settled back in my chair.
Harley balanced a tray on the table; letting me retrieve water, cup and tea bag. He set his coffee on the table – a large venti double-shot latte from the directions on the side of the cup. He slid a basket of scones on the table. He asked for one of every fruit kind since he didn't know my preference.
"She put the scones in the basket in alpha order: apple-cinnamon, blueberry-lemon, blackberry-pear, cinnamon raisin, citrus zest, cranberry-orange-pecan, ginger-apricot and raspberry-white chocolate. If you taste one you like, we can get more." He grinned. "They won't go to waste; I'll take the extras home to Shawn for coffee and newspaper time tomorrow morning."
"This is fine," I said. "I'm nervous about how this will work." I reach for the blackberry-pear scone. I have a recipe with 300 versions of Cobb salad and the blackberries, diced pear and roasted chicken with berry vinaigrette is one of my favorite versions. Now I know what to fix for dinner. I will go grocery shopping when I get out of here.
Harley helped himself to the three citrus scones and began talking after a large sip of coffee. "First we need to complete the TCR Form. It is required before you provide information to us. You sign off on the declarations of eligibility. You need to remember the TCR number assigned to you…and you shouldn't put it in an email, phone, etc. If you lose it, I can find you by your name, but action happens faster when you remember it. Once the TCR form is submitted to the SEC; our attorneys, accountants and analysts review the data you submit to determine our course of action. You need specific, timely and credible information."
"Which I don't have. Ethan and I just have suspicions." I shrugged. "I am not normally prone to flights of fancy, but I just have a feeling I'm right."
"I reviewed the paperwork you and Ethan assembled; I believe you are right about Jack Hyde. What may seem insignificant information to you may be the key piece of information we need. I warn you not to become discouraged during the process. Sometimes it takes six months or longer for the investigation. Sometimes it takes six months or longer to go to court. We are usually through litigation in less than 15 work days. We have a hint of impropriety on Hyde and nothing on Lincoln. It may be six months before we have all the evidence we need."
"Well, I can direct you where to start with Elena Lincoln," I gave him a folder of printouts. "I researched announcements of mergers and acquisitions made by Grey House from 2006 forward. I don't know if she bought stocks before then. I don't have proof she bought stocks. I know she has access to proprietary GEH mergers and acquisitions information through her friendship with Grace Grey and her business partnership with Christian Grey."
"You don't suspect GEH of securities fraud?" Harley asked; flipping through the paperwork I just gave him.
"GEH is not publicly traded. Christian has information about his mergers or acquisitions embargoed until the papers are legally filed. Then his communications team releases information to the press. SIP is a prime example." I finished my blackberry scone and reached for the raspberry one.
"You need a whistleblower lawyer. I can recommend three." He handed me business cards. "However, to cover our association with one another; I am your new man friend, a stockbroker. The tidbits of information I drop around you will make Hyde either more curious or will exonerate him."
"Consider it done," I said.
Harley spent the rest of our coffee hour telling me about the SEC and how they conduct investigations. After getting a go bag for the remaining seven scones; he left a tip on the table and held the door; walking me to my car.
"Thursday? Pizza? My place? We may have a lot to cover." He asked. "I'll email the details to you on Wednesday. You need to think about what I'm about to say. Ethan told me you are no longer seeing Christian Grey."
"Yes, we...are taking a break from one another. He has issues, I have issues. I can't discuss it." I admitted.
"For reasons of security…you can't discuss this situation with him. You cannot discuss it with your friend, Kate, because she might tell Elliot. He might tell his brother. If you decide to reconcile with Grey after the investigation begins; I may be barred from having further communication with you. I understand you think he's innocent. I would like to believe that also. However; we cannot take the chance of him learning about the investigation. We cannot take a chance of him doing anything which would warn Elena Lincoln."
"So you are saying if I wanted to be with him…it is not recommended." I asked.
Harley nodded. "I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to stay away from someone when you want more than anything to be with them."
Momentarily, I lose my objectivity. I want him. I know unless he changes…I will be hurt again… emotionally …physically. However, the thought of never being with him again is more painful than any pain I've ever felt, belt included. However…if it means putting Elena Lincoln behind bars for a long, long time…I can quit dreaming about Christian's mouth. "Yeah, right," my inner goddess snarks. If you won't allow us multiple daily orgasms by a Greek god…we'll make you have orgasms you can't control." She struts her stuff in a sapphire blue teddy with stilettos that match.
XX – CPOV
Striker report to Grey: A. Steele target shooting at Target Rippers. She talked to one of your staff: L. Sawyer who is assigned to M. Grey's CPO detail. Coffee at Starbucks near Target Rippers with friend of Ethan Kavanagh's. We could not hear the conversation. He must use an audio jammer. License plate, pictures attached of Harley Harrison. Researching. Will forward background check at earliest opportunity? A. Steele went grocery shopping, returned home. FYI – Miss Steele's doppelganger was hanging around Escala Salon, Post Alley today. She was watching for someone, not utilizing the services. She disappeared when Elena Lincoln, the salon owner, arrived. Lincoln cruised the block where A. Steele lives at least three times upon arrival and departure. A. Steele hanging out on balcony, reading; unaware of Lincoln's scrutiny.