Chapter 14

Fish and Chits

"Thanks for coming on such short notice, Evelyn," said Stephen. "I'm not messing up your work, am I?"

Stephen kept his eyes fixed on the narrow, circuitous road ahead of him as the little Civic labored its way through the hills toward Mount Ebott. He hadn't ever made the drive from Highlands to Ebottsville this late in the day before; the winding strip of asphalt was already deep in shadow and Stephen was a little fearful of hitting an animal.

"No, don't worry about that, Steve," said Evelyn, sounding a little weary. "I wasn't getting any writing or drawing done anyway." Evelyn fumbled in her purse for some chewing gum to relieve the pressure in her ears. "Gotta admit I'm not at my best right now. I'm sort of hoping that your cute monster friends will cheer me up."

Stephen spared as long a glance as his friend's face as he could. "You've been looking like you've got something on your mind," he said. "Anything you can talk about?"

"Eh...just routine crap, Steve. Got a love letter early this afternoon from some rando...nothing I haven't seen before. Don't worry, I'll be fine."

Stephen scowled, making a few guesses about what was in the "love letter". "I'm sorry, Evelyn," he said. "I never know what to say."

"Nothing to say, Steve. Just give me a hug when we're gone with the drive and we're good, okay?"

"That I can do." Stephen slowed the car as the trees ahead began to thin. "And pretty soon too. We're almost there. Quarter of a mile at most."

A couple of minutes later Ebottsville lay before them, silhouetted against the early evening sky, illuminated by the warm glow of early twilight. Evelyn gasped. "Holy shit!" she exclaimed. "I'd seen photos and stuff of this place but, jeez...there was nothing here before! Now look at it!"

Stephen grinned. Even after only a few weeks of working days in the monsters' town had made him feel, just a little, as though it were his town as well. "It's pretty sweet, isn't it? I'm not sure what the total monster population Underground was and not all of them have left for the Surface yet. But, assuming all goes well, this place will probably be a respectable little city eventually."

"Damn, I really hope so! This is just too cool."

Stephen pulled into the parking lot of the convenience store. "I want to stop here first to grab some two-liters. Do you want to come in?"

"Sure! Is it freaky and monstery inside?"

"Er, well, not really. It's just a boring, ordinary convenience store, with the same old guy running it. But he has been stocking some locally made products, if you want a souvenir."

They exited the car and, before going into the store, shared a quick, friendly hug. "Hope that helps a little, Evelyn," said Stephen with a smile.

"A bit, a bit," she replied, also smiling. "Though you've still got some of that stiff-armed man-hug thing going, Steve. You're gonna have to break that habit some day."

They entered the store. As usual, the proprietor didn't look up but kept his eyes on his reading material—Agatha Christie this time, Stephen noticed—as his customers came in. Stephen went to grab a couple bottles of pop while Evelyn wandered up and down the aisles, peering at everything.

"Hey Steve! These any good?" Evelyn called out from halfway across the store, holding up an individually wrapped chocolate-chip cookie bearing the now-familiar (to Stephen) smiling face and purple lettering of Muffet's bakery. "It looks edible enough."

"Oh, yeah, Muffet's stuff is all good, don't worry. Though they tend to have a bit different texture or flavor than I'm used to...maybe monsters have different palates. Anyway, I've got what I wanted, let's check out."

To Stephen's surprise, when he and Evelyn deposited their items on the counter for purchase, the proprietor carefully bookmarked and set aside his mystery novel and rang up the sale himself. "Hey, Mr. Darzens," Stephen asked, "the last couple times I've been in here you had that 'Burgy' monster working the register. Is he around?"

"Sorry to say, young man," Darzens replied, "Burgy quit last week. He said he found a better job in town." The old man gave a dry chuckle. "Probably just as well. I hated the smell of his cheap smokes." The transaction finished, the old man returned to his reading and paid his customers no further heed.

"Interesting guy," said Evelyn when they got back to the Civic. "Who was this 'Burgy'?"

"Someone I was sort of hoping you'd get to see," Stephen said, starting up the car. "He really was something to watch in action. I've never met anyone who hated a job more."

Stephen headed slowly through town, keeping his speed low, his window rolled down and his eyes peeled for any monsters in the roadway. Many of the monsters were still a bit unused to the phenomenon of the automobile and jaywalking was an unknown sin to them, so whenever Stephen drove through Ebottsville he was always on the lookout for creatures great and small who might decide at any given moment that the middle of Mountain Haven Road was an excellent place for a stroll or a chat or a lie-down. Fortunately the sight of Stephen's hatchback was starting to become familiar enough in Ebottsville that only rarely now would he have to stop and explain to (say) a sedentary mass of animated green gelatin that they hadn't picked a good place for a snooze and, no, he couldn't just go around.

Evelyn stared out of her window in fascination. She'd retrieved a small sketchbook and pencil from her purse and was rapidly sketching her first impressions of Ebottsville. "You've gotta bring me here during the day, Steve!" she said, executing a quick drawing of a monster resembling a bouncy, grinning carrot, who shouted "Eat your greens!" as the car rolled slowly past. "I wanna see what this place is like when it's light out and everyone's out and about. Where are we headed?"

"Far edge of town. That's where the lab is and not far from it Undyne and Alphys have a small house. I've never been to the house but they assure me there's no way to mistake which one is theirs."

Eventually Stephen pulled up and parked out front of the Alphyne Laboratories building. As her eyes scanned the pink concrete warehouse Evelyn wrinkled her nose a little. "This is the ugliest building in town. Looks like a damn fallout shelter."

"I think Alphys went with the cheapest construction that wouldn't fall down or burn up. Anyway, they said their place is somewhere in the row of houses behind the lab." They strolled round the left side of the laboratory building to the back, where a graded and gravelled path separated the lab from a row of small houses. Most were small, if charming, wooden houses in a miscellany of styles, but one house in the row stood out, a single-family bungalow that would have looked ordinary had it not been painted to resemble an angry piranha, with metallic grey scales, dormer windows for eyes and white teeth on the door. Stephen and Evelyn approached it side by side.

"Think this is the place?" Evelyn said out of the corner of her mouth.

"Pretty sure," Stephen replied. "Oh, before we go in, I should warn you: Alphys told me ahead of time that Undyne thinks anime is...uh, historical."

"What?! Like in Galaxy Quest?" Evelyn guffawed. "How'd she get that idea?"

"Alphys sort of told her it was...? Argh, it'll take too long to explain. The point is...if Undyne says anything weird along those lines, just roll with it."

He knocked on the door. He heard a voice bellow "I'll get it!" from inside the house and in a few moments Undyne was at the door. She was wearing close-fitting jeans and a black Screaming Females T-shirt that agreeably showed off her physique. Stephen smiled to himself as he noticed Evelyn standing up just a little straighter and adjusting her hair.

"Hey there Steve! Glad you could come! And this must be your artist pal Evelyn." Undyne stuck out a hand, which Evelyn shook with great enthusiasm. "My name's Undyne. I, uh, I hope you'll forgive us but the place is kind of a dump at the moment. Uh...most moments, actually."

Evelyn chuckled. "Oh, I'm sure it's no problem, Undyne. Nothing that Steve and I didn't get used to when we were in college together!"

Stephen nodded. "Yeah, as long as there isn't a dead horse in the middle of your living room we'll probably be fine."

"You're a Screaming Females fan, Undyne?" asked Evelyn?

"Huh? Oh, the shirt! Nah, this was just something I found at a thrift store. It's got a shark on it, I had to buy it! Anyway, come in you two." Undyne turned round and they followed her into the house.

Evelyn's eyes strayed to the seat of Undyne's pants and leaned over to whisper in Stephen's ear, "Fucking hell, Steve, you didn't tell me she was hot—"

"Down, girl," he whispered back. "Pretty sure she's only got eyes for—"

"ALPHYS!" Undyne yelled as she walked into the living room. "STEVE AND HIS FRIEND ARE HERE!"

"Coming, Undyne!" Shortly the little scientist appeared from a room in back, munching on a stick of strawberry Pocky and scattering crumbs over a blue T-shirt that read, "Kawaii in the Streets, Senpai in the Sheets". Stephen heard Evelyn stifle a laugh. When she came into the living room and saw her guests she hastily chomped down what was left of the Pocky stick and brushed the crumbs from her chest. "Oh, h-hi, Steve! I'm so happy you could come. And y-your friend…uh, I sh-should remember her name…"

"Evelyn Strecker," she said, shaking Alphys's paw. "Nice place you and your girl have got here!" She and Stephen looked around the living room. It really did feel warm and hospitable, but its look suggested the rumpus room of a college dormitory: discarded clothes hung over the backs of chairs and were scattered over the floor, empty food packages and bottles were on every flat surface, papers and books and games littered the floor, and a stack of unreturned Amazon Fresh totes was shoved into a corner. A round dining table at one end of the living room had stacks of printouts, manuscripts, and drawings all over it; Stephen glanced at the top sheet of one of these stacks; his eyes widened in surprise when he saw what looked like a long, exquisitely detailed—

"Ahahaha! L-l-let me clear th-those!" Alphys rapidly grabbed up the sheaves of papers. "It's f-for a friend! W-work in p-p-progress!" She giggled again and scampered off to stow the papers in another room, then rushed back, still flushed with embarrassment. "W-well, uh...Undyne was going to have l-lasagna cooked, but then, um, s-something went wrong, so I h-hope pizza is fine."

"Yeah," said Undyne, curling one of her arms around Alphys's waist and pulling her close against her body, scratching the lizard's head with the claws of her free hand. "I mean, I thought it was fine, maybe a bit tough to chew, but then Alphy here reminded me that humans don't have as good chompers as mine." She proudly grinned to show off her own alarming teeth. "So pizza it is. C'mon, sit on the couch you two! Don't worry about taking up all the room, Alphy 'n me will cuddle up on the floor."

"Pizza, huh?" said Evelyn as she cleared the couch of manga volumes and threw herself down on it in luxuriant repose. "Didn't think Dominos or Pizza Hut delivered this far."

"Oh, no, it's l-local," said Alphys. "There used to be a p-pizza place in the monster capital and the owner's moved it up here. K-kinda limited selection so far, though."

"Evelyn, you're taking up the whole couch!" protested Stephen as he sought a place for himself.

"Steve, you know I'm part cat. I take up as much space as I need to feel comfortable. Here, sit at that end and I'll rest my legs on your knees."

"Fine. Here—let me—" Stephen tread cautiously across the cluttered floor to the couch and awkwardly worked himself into place on it, weaving his way around and under Evelyn's legs, grumbling and grousing as he attempted to get comfortable. Undyne snickered.

"Are you two an old married couple or something?" she asked.

Evelyn chuckled. "Haha, no. We did date for a short while in college, under very different circumstances. Now I just interfere with Steve's life from time to time and try to keep him from getting into too much trouble."

"Well, you don't need to worry. Steve's been no trouble, Evie—uh, can I call you Evie?"

"You may," said Evelyn.

"Well done, Undyne," Stephen said. "You've made it from 'Evelyn' to 'Evie' quicker than anyone else she's ever met. Usually it's got to wait till at least the second date."

"Steve, you're horrible!" Evelyn bapped him playfully over the head with her sketchbook. "I just want to extend as much courtesy as I can to our monster friends and make them feel at home on our planet—uh, our part of the planet—and extend them a welcome on behalf of humanity and—" She stopped herself, aware that she was blithering, and shook her head with a slight giggle. "Jeez. Gotta be honest. I'm trying to make it seem like it's no big deal, but really...I just can't believe that I'm here, about to eat pizza with a couple of monsters. I've been drawing imaginary creatures my whole life. I never in a million years thought I'd ever meet any."

"Huh, you saying we're imaginary?" asked Undyne, poking herself in the chest a couple times. "I feel pretty solid to me. What about you Alphy? Let me see if you feel solid." Undyne rubbed her hands all over her lover's belly, causing the lizard to squirm and squeak with pleasure. "Yeah, don't think she's imaginary either, Evie."

Evelyn snorted. "Oh, Undyne, you know what I mean."

Undyne grinned. "Sure I do. It was the same with me and humans. When we were still stuck Underground I bet ninety percent of the monsters wouldn't have been able to tell you what a human looked like. I knew only 'cause Alphy was my friend and she showed me a lot of the stuff from the Surface that she collected from the garbage dump. And even then when I finally laid eyes on Frisk I had my doubts. I guess I'd been expecting something...taller? And they didn't have a big sword or a magic amulet or anything!"

Alphys smiled back her girlfriend. "Not all human c-carry stuff like that, Undyne."

Undyne snorted. "And they didn't do anything freaky at all! Just smiled at me and ran away a lot! Frankly I was a little disappoin—" A short knock on the front door interrupted her. "Shit, must be the pizza. I'll get it—I SAID I'LL GET IT STEVE! SIDDOWN! RELAX!" Undyne hollered when Stephen made an involuntary upward motion at the sound of the knock. She gently detached herself from Alphys and got up to answer.

Undyne was halfway to the door when the soft knock turned into a loud thumping. "What the fuck?!" Undyne fumed. "I'M GETTING IT, I'M GETTING IT!" she yelled as she leapt for the knob and yanked open the door to be greeted with the sight of a monster like an orange tabby cat, a cigarette clamped in its mouth, a pizza-delivery bag on one arm.

"...lazy ass customers want their damn pizza in a big hurry, then won't even answer the—good evening, O customer!" said "Burgy", his sour face instantly convulsing into a galvanic smile once he took notice of Undyne. "You ordered the large pepperoni and large mushroom?"

"Yeah, that's ours. Here's your money." She took the boxes and dropped a small heap of coins into Burgy's paw. Burgy looked at the coins and then back at Undyne, the spasmodic grin still on his face.

"Thank you," said Undyne.

Burgy stared for a moment longer than clenched his paw over the coins and widened his grin. "Thank you ma'am! Here's your copy of the receipt!" he chirped. "And thanks for ordering from Sad Dragon Pizza!" He trudged off. "...come all the way out here to the edge of town to get a crummy one gee tip—" came the receding sounds of his muttering, before Undyne slammed the door.