Cosima sat on her bead, a wide array of pictures strewn about as she chose which to include in her Italy album and which to put away. At the time she hadn't been aware of exactly how many pictures of or with Delphine she was taking, but it had to be at least eighty percent of the pictures had the blonde in them some way or another. Cosima seriously considered making an album just for her and Delphine, but there was already enough salt in the wound without adding more. These albums were for her anyway, so if the Italy album was mostly her, Delphine and a couple of landscapes so be it. She would only be torturing herself.
Part of Cosima wanted to torture herself though. Because these pictures, these memories, were all she had left of Delphine. So if looking at them and reminding herself of what she had, and lost, was the only way to keep her connection to the blonde without hurting her then she would do it. If she had to hurt to protect Delphine then she would look at these pictures and hurt because they look so ridiculously happy that it broke her heart, but made her smile at the same time. These memories, these pictures, showed that she found a little bit of light at the end of her days. A brilliant, beautiful, French goddess of a light who turned her world upside down and brought her a joy she never expected to feel.
She and Delphine could have been something great if she'd had the time.
Her cell phone vibrated beside her and she looked just long enough to see Delphine's name flash across the screen.
It had only been a couple of weeks since she last saw the blonde, but Cosima already felt the weight and tension of loneliness deep in her bones. Her skin screamed to be touched, her hand begged to be held, her body was crying out for release. Her sisters took, okay so maybe it was more like dragged, her to Clone Club a few times, with strict orders to the bouncers to let Sarah know immediately if Delphine showed up. And there had been other girls dancing with her, touching her, kissing her, trying to take her home, but it all felt so so wrong. No one's body fit against hers the right way. Hands were too rough, too grabby, lips not as soft, they didn't smell of lavender, vanilla and cigarettes and just tasted wrong. None of them were Delphine.
Cosima resigned herself to the fact that Delphine would be the last person to ever really touch her. To make her feel. To reach into her inner most parts and make her come undone. At first that just made her even more depressed, but now it had a sort of romantic symmetry. There had to be a last person to touch her eventually so why not Delphine? At least Delphine was someone she loved. At least the last person to touch her had made love to her - slowly, sweetly, mind-blowingly passionately. It hadn't just been sex. It had never just been sex with Delphine.
Cosima was back at her house now and Delphine hadn't stopped by again. She called and texted and emailed and even sent a couple of good old fashioned letters, but no in person visits. Which both saddened and relieved the brunette. It had been a few weeks since her break down on Beth's couch and Cosima was trying to keep a bit of distance from her sisters as well. They meant well and wanted what was best for her, but she couldn't get Helena's words out of her head. The guilt she felt at knowing how badly Helena's childhood had been and at knowing that all she ever wanted was to be safe and happy and loved and here was Cosima having all of that and essentially throwing it away.
She just wished her sisters would understand. They didn't grow up with a mother who lost herself after the love of her life died. They didn't have to take care of another person before they were barely old enough to take care of themselves. They'd never seen what happens to a person when they lose that other half of themself. They'd never had to witness one soulmate trying to live after watching the other die. Cosima wanted so much more than that for Delphine. She loved her so much that this was killing her, but it was better this way.
In a way she was glad they didn't understand. That they never had to go through that and that it had never happened to them, but it created this elephant in the room. Even though they tried their best to support her decision, they would never understand or agree with it.
There was one person who did, though.
"How you doing Chicken?"
Cosima looked up from the photographs and greeted Siobhan with a smile. Siobhan was like a mother to her – to them all. She was tough as nails, took no bullshit, loved with all she had and had also watched the love of her life die. "I'm okay." Cosima answered honestly. She was always okay.
"Hope you don't mind I just let myself in? Haven't heard from you in a couple of days."
"No, no not at all. You know you're welcome anytime, S."
"What's going on, then? Not like you not to contact someone for this long."
Cosima sighed. "None of them get it, you know?"
S nodded slowly as she moved a few of the pictures to make space to sit down on the other end of the bed. "God willing they never will."
"No, of course not. I don't wish it on anyone."
Siobhan looked around the bed at the various photos. "These for your new album?"
"Mhmm. Trying to decide which to use."
S reached over and took the first picture off of the small pile in front of Cosima. It was the picture of her and Delphine on that little cove they stopped at when they went kayaking. Where Delphine turned her head right before she took the picture, placing a kiss on Cosima's cheek and Cosima, in turn, had her head tilted toward the blonde with a small smile on her lips. "This one belongs in a frame. You two are beautiful together." The little time she and Delphine spent on that cove were some of the happiest moments of her life. The happiness and love she and Delphine felt for one another could be felt through the glossy sheen of the photo paper.
"Oh God S, not you too?" Cosima pleaded, the desperation clear in her voice. She needed one person, just one, to truly be on her side and not just placating her or supporting her wishes because she was dying. Just one person who understood.
"No." S smiled softly and handed the picture back. "No, I get it. Losing my John . . ." Swallowing deeply the older woman smiled sadly up at Cosima. "It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It destroyed me. For years I didn't know which end was up or where I was going. I was . . . lost." Cosima's heart broke as she watched the pain flash across this woman's face. This woman who seemed so strong. This woman who had been there for each and every one of the sestras without fail, without question. Another smile came to her face, happier this time. "Until one day this raggedy little girl with wild hair and skinned knees showed up on my door step. God she was a mess if I'd ever seen one."
Cosima chuckled, imagining a younger version of her wild sister. Wasn't hard to imagine the look Siobhan was describing.
"And I had a purpose again. I had a reason to get out of bed in the morning, to fight the darkness in my own head – to get out of my own head. I realized that I was still alive. I still had this life to live. I just had to learn to live it without him."
"So you get it?"
S nodded. "Oh I get it love. I miss him every single day. There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't wish for just a minute more with him. If I was the one who would have died and I knew it was coming I would have pushed him away too and saved him all that pain. I would have pushed him so far his head spun. But you know what?"
Cosima looked up expectantly.
"If I'd have known what was going to happen, if I'd have known how much I would hurt without him … I'd have loved him anyway. I'd do it all again. I'd probably have loved him more actually. I'd have stayed up late, kissed him more, held him longer...And it would have been worth it. It was worth it. Every moment of pain, because loving him in the time we had was worth it. It was worth everything."
"Yeah, but that's different. You knew each other for years. You were married, had a home, had a...a life together. I've known Delphine for...seven/eight months and haven't been around for a lot of it."
"Is it really so different?" Siobhan asked gently.
Cosima looked up into eyes that held pain beyond anything Cosima could ever imagine. Maybe it wasn't so different. She was with Shay for four years and what she felt for her was completely different from what she felt for Delphine. Delphine completed her. She was what Cosima needed to make her life complete, but how complete would her life ever be really? She felt their connection deep down in the pit of her soul. There wasn't a single doubt in her mind that Delphine was her soulmate, but she tried not to dwell on it too much lest it destroy her.
"Seven/eight months, seven/eight years...It's all love, Chicken."
Cosima reached out and gave the older woman's hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry you lost that."
Siobhan smiled and covered Cosima's hand with her free one. "I'm sorry you did too."
"She didn't call today."
Sarah looked up from the book Kira was reading on her lap. Helena beat her to it, putting her bowl down and perching herself on the arm of the sofa beside Cosima. "Come on Monkey. Go upstairs and get changed. We're gonna have a sleepover with Auntie Cosima tonight." Thankfully everyone kept a couple changes of clothes in the guestroom upstairs for cases such as this when they didn't want to leave Cosima.
"I know it's been over a month now, but she's still been trying." Cosima explained as Sarah sat down beside her and pulled her into her arms. "Right from Italy she started calling and texting and emailing, which gradually slowed down, but this past week she would still at least call when she got home from work. But today...she didn't call today."
"Maybe she is working late today Sestra?" Helena offered.
Cosima shrugged. It was always possible. The doctor kept unpredictable hours sometimes, but she knew that wasn't it. The same way she felt the connection she had with Delphine, she felt this. "She's finally given up on me." Her voice was void of any emotion as resignation set in. Delphine had given up on her, on them. It was what she wanted. Well, not what she wanted, but what had to happen. Delphine needed to move on. The thought lodged itself deep in her chest, slowly rising up her throat forcing her to swallow the emotions back down.
Helena sat there and ran her hands through Cosima's hair. The Ukrainian was at a complete loss of what to do here. She had come a long way since she met her sisters, but many social conventions still escaped her. "Sestra" she began gently. Helena didn't know what to do or say, but her sister was hurting. Anyone could see Cosima loved this woman, but it was her choice to end things. "It is for the best, yes?"
"What you need is another trip. Now." Sarah said, holding up her cell phone. "Alison is free for the next week."
Cosima chuckled sadly. Of course Sarah would have sat there beside her and got one of them to clear their schedule. "Sarah I can't afford another trip. Italy wiped me out and I want to visit my Mom at some point."
"It's on S this time."
"What? No. Are you insane I can't accept that."
Sarah scoffed. "Yeah, nobody says no to S." Looking down at her cell typing away she continued as if Cosima hadn't protested. "Come on. Where to this time? Still want to visit Barcelona? S says it's nice this time of year."
"Yes, much nice." Helena added. "Lots of beaches and girls in bikinis."
Cosima chuckled softly and looked at the silent phone resting on the coffee table. A distraction wasn't a bad idea. Her heart and soul would miss Delphine until her dying day, but she still had time. She was still alive. There was still so much she wanted to see and do. Slowly she nodded. "I'm in. I am so in."
"Are you interested in doing anything other than lying on a beach this entire week?"
Alison offered her sister a small smile as she set her sunglasses on over her eyes and laid back. "I'm on vacation, Cosima. As are you so I suggest you lie back and relax a little. Goodness knows you could use some relaxation."
"Yeah, well, my relaxation methods wouldn't pass customs." Cosima chuckled, but settled herself back against the lounge chair as the laughter turned to soft coughs that she played off as clearing her throat when Alison raised her glasses to look at her.
"Cosima!" Alison chastised half-heartedly. Since the diagnosis Cosima got away with a lot more than she used to. Whereas before Alison would have immediately launched herself into an after school like special on how drugs are bad, now she just smiled and looked the other way. As long as it wasn't done or talked about around the kids she was content to let her sister do what she wanted. Cosima switched to a vaporizer to be easier on her lungs so what could she really complain about? "Did you remember to put on sunscreen?"
"Yes Mom."
"Good. Would hate for our vacation to be ruined because you got fried so early in our trip."
"Hey, I'm from California." Cosima protested.
"Yes, northern California where the temperature rarely gets very warm."
"It's warmer than Canada."
"Everywhere is warmer than Canada." Alison rationalized.
"True." Cosima smiled. "Still I've spent much more time in the sun than you have. I'm not that much of a ghost."
Alison chuckled, but let Cosima win that one.
"Seriously though we are doing more than lying on a beach all week. You know when we were in Italy, Delphine..." Cosima stopped herself, instead turning her attention to look out across the ocean and at the people around them. This all sucked and she had never been in this position before. Why would she though? It's not like normal people end good things with people they loved on a regular basis.
It still hurt. Granted it hadn't been that long yet, but everyday she had a few moments of peace when she woke in the morning only for a deep-seeded ache to lodge itself in her chest once she opened her eyes and didn't feel strong arms around her, didn't smell that intoxicating mix of lavender, vanilla and cigarettes, didn't catch sight of that mass of golden curls.
With everything in her she hoped Delphine was doing better; that she hated her if that made it easier. Anything for Delphine not to be feeling what she was. Her phone hadn't flashed the doctor's name in days so that was something, right? Not even so much as a text. Unfortunately there was no way for her to know one way or another how Delphine was doing. It was always possible to ask if Sarah could check on her. Sneaking around was kind of her specialty so checking up on the blonde without her noticing would have been a piece of cake, but Cosima figured she was better off not knowing and just imagining Delphine was okay. After all, ignorance is bliss and she was here to forget about her. "I'll find us some tour or something," she finished.
"That sounds nice."
"And we're going out." Alison pushed her sunglasses up and raised an eyebrow at her sister. "Don't even give me that look. We're going out. Tonight. To a club. And you are going to make sure I forget about Delphine and have a good time. Okay?"
At the mention of the blonde's name Alison's shoulders visibly lowered. With a sad smile she nodded. "Sounds fun." Cosima tried not to laugh. Alison Hendrix didn't go out. Sure she would go to Clone Club with them sometimes, but only once a month when they forced her. And by forcing her, someone would text her husband and tell him to make sure Alison was ready at a certain time and they would show up and wrestle her out of the house. It wasn't that she disliked going out, but she didn't drink anymore and the rest of them tended to get pretty stupid when they were drinking together. Though Cosima had a feeling Alison didn't mind half as much as she said she did. She was a mother hen, she enjoyed taking care of people. Even if those people were her drunken siblings. Cosima needed to get smashed and let loose and make some bad decisions and knew Alison would make sure she didn't go too far off the deep end.
This was definitey the deep end.
If she had any common sense left in her body Cosima would find her sister and leave the club immediately. Unfortunately that particular virtue hadn't been seen in at least three drinks. People kept coming up and dancing along with her, up against her. Men and women. Hands were all over her body; her waist, her hips, her ass, her breasts. There was kissing and tongues and knees and bulges pressed up against certain places and through all of it Cosima felt nothing. No touch set her soul on fire, no one's eyes saw right into her inner most self, no one's kiss made the rest of the world fade away. There was no tingle, no excitement, not even the slightest increase in her heart rate. There was just nothing.
Honestly she knew this night wasn't going to help her with anything so she just lost herself in the music and let anyone who came over do what they wanted. She just wanted to feel … something. At this point it didn't mater what she just needed something that wasn't Delphine. Something that didn't make her think of something the blonde did or said. It had gotten to the point where when people asked her something she swore she could hear Delphine respond in her head before she could think of her own response. Even with the time that passed all she could see and hear was Delphine and it just needed to stop. Just for a little while.
Everything hurt without Delphine and Cosima just wanted a few minutes of peace.
And then a pretty brunette came up to her speaking French.
"Thank-you, but no thank-you."
"Ali what the hell?" Cosima protested, watching as Alison took her drink and handed it back to the pretty brunette, guiding her away by the elbow. "That better be a mock-tail," she said, eyeing the pink drink in her sister's hand.
"What the hell?" Alison repeated, ignoring the statement. "Cosima you are about seven sheets to the wind right now."
"Alisssssssson I'm fine." Cosima slurred.
"Oh yeah?" Alison asked, stopping in the middle of the dance floor and letting Cosima's arm go. "Stand up on your own then."
Cosima stumbled, but with great concentration managed to get herself upright. For about half a second.
"She's not Delphine just because she speaks French." Alison said softly with a sad expression on her face. Her heart truly hurt for her sister. All she wanted, all any of them wanted, was for Cosima to be happy. This was the very opposite of happy. In fact, this was about as far from happy as Alison had ever seen her.
This brunette could be Delphine if Cosima took off her glasses and kept her distance. They both smelled of cigarettes, both had curly hair. She could pretend for one night couldn't she? With a defiant look she made her way back to the bar and the pretty French brunette. "Sorry about t-that. My sisssssster, she's..." Cosima trailed off at the look of confusion on the other woman's face. "You don't s-speak English, do you? . ." Same confused expression. "Awesome..."
Cosima shook her head and closed the distance between them, grabbing the other woman's face and smashing their lips together. Body language was the same in any dialect. It wasn't a good kiss or even a tolerable one really. This woman didn't know how to use her tongue, but that wasn't the point to any of this. Tonight Cosima was counting on that genetic predisposition to impulsive behavior she and her sisters seemed to share. Tonight Cosima just needed to forget.
"Let's get out of here," she whispered into the other woman's ear. "Um...allons-y?" (Let's go) Not the exact translation, but the closest her alcohol-infused brain could come up with at the moment. The reason she knew that particular phrase was pushed far from her mind as she grabbed the brunette's outstretched hand and followed her through the crowded dance floor past a slack-jawed Alison saying something about her regretting this when the alcohol wore off. Which, would probably be true.
Before Cosima could thoroughly process what was going on they were in the other woman's hotel room, clothes strewn about the floor as a mass of mousy brown curls disappeared between her legs.
"ALI! . . ALI wake up! Let me in!" Cosima banged on the door harder. "ALISON!"
"Yes, alright, okay." Came quietly from the other side of the door along with the clicking of the lock just before the door opened. "Have a good night?"
Cosima walked past her sister without a word and climbed right into bed not bothering to even take off her shoes.
"Thank you Alison. I'm so sorry for waking you at four in the morning, Alison. I will absolutely be buying breakfast in the morning to make it up to you, Alison." Alison conversed with herself as she closed and re-locked the door and got into bed beside Cosima.
Cosima closed her eyes and feigned sleep as the night's events replayed in her mind. All she wanted was to forget for one night or even just a couple of hours, but unfortunately the memories refused to leave her. This other woman, who Cosima never even got a name for, had no idea what to do with her tongue which only reminded Cosima of how freaking talented Delphine's tongue was. It was all wrong. Their bodies didn't fit, there was no spark, just . . . nothing.
She tried to get into it, but clearly the brunette had no idea what she was doing and after a good half hour still hadn't managed to get Cosima off or even that turned on. This woman wasn't the first inexperienced partner Cosima ever had, but they usually caught on faster. So Cosima just left. Didn't so much as touch the other woman. Just gathered her things and left.
Of course the guilt was rising by the second. It shouldn't, but it felt like she cheated. There was no one to cheat on, but still the feeling made Cosima's skin crawl. She used this woman. Used her to to get over someone she was still emotionally attached to and in the end it didn't work and she felt even worse than when it all started. All she could do was hope that come morning she wouldn't remember any of it.
All she could do was hope that come moring she wouldn't remember any of it.
"What am I gonna do Ali?"
"Holy fudge cracker Cosima!" Alison exclaimed, a hand flying to her chest.
Cosima turned toward her sister with a small smile of apology at scaring her.
"I thought you passed out." Alison took a few deep breaths to calm herself down, smoothing out the blanket across her lap and her hair as she did.
Cosima reached out to still her sister's hand, entwining their fingers and bringing their hands to her chest. "I love her."
Alison sighed. "I know you do sweetie." Mirroring Cosima, Alison turned on her side and ran her free hand through her sister's curls."Have I ever told you about the time I almost divorced Donnie?"
Cosima's sleepy eyes popped open. "No."
"It was a few years ago-"
"Al I've known you for almost fifteen years why didn't you tell me?"
"No one knew." Alison said sadly. "It wasn't a good time in my life. May I continue?"
Cosima chuckled. "Proceed."
"Thank-you." Alison took a deep breath. "It was a few years ago. Donnie was being very...secretive. He would take phone calls from blocked numbers at all hours of the day and get up in the middle of the night. He had this hidden, locked box out in the garage. I thought he was having an affair."
When Alison didn't elaborate Cosima spoke. "Was he?"
Alison shook her head. "No."
"What was he doing?"
"It turned out he developed a little gambling problem, but that doesn't matter the point was that I didn't trust him." Alison said simply with a wave of her hand. "And he didn't trust me if didn't feel he could come to me and ask for help. Trust is the single most important aspect in a relationship."
Cosima took a deep breath and nodded.
"It got so bad that we went away to this couples retreat. We didn't even make it a week before we were back packing up the house getting ready to separate. I slept with my best friend's husband-"
"You what?!" Cosima had to admit she was a little impressed. Her goody two shoes, straight-laced sister had a bit of the rest of them in her after all.
"I thought he was cheating so I reduced myself to what I thought was his level." Alison looked down at her sister and took a deep breath as she continued running her fingers through Cosima's hair. "I'm not proud of what I did."
Cosima's head was swimming. She was too drunk to deal with this.
"And then Aynsley died. She may have been a nosey spy of a woman, but she was my best friend. To make a long story short her death sort of put things into perspective for me. I love my husband. We had our share of issues that we didn't address when we should have and we kept secrets from one another and that led down a very dark road, but I realized he was my other half. For better or worse he is the love of my life, the one I want to share everything with. Donnie forgave my affair, we got him help for the gambling and we worked things out," she smiled. "There's a lot more to it than that and I know it isn't the same as your situation . . . and even though we worked things out," she choked up. "For a time I lost the love of my life too. I know what it feels like."
Enough! Echoed through Cosima's head. Enough of all of it!
"Cosima?" Alison asked, taken back, when Cosima popped straight up, but then she saw that look in Cosima's eyes. "Cosima, keep in mind you are very drunk right now," she warned.
Cosima smiled mischevously. "Drunken thoughts are sober truths, right?"