Test Run

Note: I seriously hate the Sanin fight…it's so fucking retarded in my eyes.

Chapter 14: Pain of the body and mind

Saru and I make our way over to the bar that Jiraiya is sitting at…well lying down at. I pull out the small flask that held the antidote to Tsunade's drug.

"Jiraiya-san!" I nudge my foot against his side. "Jiraiya-san! Wake the hell up!!!"

The white haired man stirred slightly. I asked the bartender for a glass of water. I Slowly poured the flasks contents into the ice cold liquid, mixing it thoroughly.

"W-whaaa happen?" He slurred groggily. I shove the concoction in his face and he takes it. "What is it?" His eyes were sagged and heavy.

"The antidote to the drug Tsunade slipped into your drink last night."

He nods and then begins to down it. His face wrinkled with disgust as he wips the remains from his mouth. "Gah…it tasted horrible, who made it?"

"Akasuna no Sasori."

He stares at me wide eyed.

"He's a master of poisons! An enemy to Konoha and Suna both."

I shrug and turned around.

"Meh…he's my ally, I have not given him a reason to betray me."

"But…but…" His eyes wide, ready to tell me the thousands of flaws in my logic.

"Um…yea…Tsuande-hime is most likely meeting with Orochimaru-san right now, so I suggest we hurry up."

Jiraiya stands up, stumbling forward and right into me, his hand "accidentally" grabbing my left breast for support. My face was blank with boredom and annoyance.

"If you wanted to touch 'em…you could have asked…"

Jiraiya blushes and stand up straight.

"I'll remember that for next time!"

"!!!" I look at Saru, who seems to be ready to have a panic attack.

"For the love of god…Saru-kun, can you please stop with all your ridiculous embarrassment issues? It's annoying."

"But you're engaged!!!"

"…yea…and?"

"Well…it's inappropriate!"

"…" My face falls emotionless, but that was short lived for an evil glint soon took it's place. Saru's face was that of pure fear.

"P-please don't look at me that way Nikkie-sama!…i-it's quite terrifying…"

I smirked, turning my attention back to Jiraiya.

"Alrighty then…MOVE OUT!"

"…"

We launch off to find Tsunade and Orochimaru.

I whip my kunai at Orochimaru, just as Kabuto throws one in between the pair. My kunai hit its mark, Orochimaru's arm. The snake sannin growled as his icy glare found its way towards me.

"Can't you just leave me alone!!!?"

I giggle with a girlish innocent's. (Yea...thats real innocent)

"Where's the fun in that Oreo-kun?"

Jiraiya stares at me like I am insane.

"Whaaaaaaaat?"

"Oreo-kun?"

"I thought it was the perfect nickname for the homosexual pedophile." I bat my eyelashes at him.

"I am not a homosexual pedophile!!!" Oreo…I mean Orochimaru snarls at me; Kabuto leaps down to remove the kunai imbedded in the man's arm.

"Yes you are!!!!!!!!!one!!!exclamationpoint!!!"

"I certainly am not! That idiot Jiraiya is!" Orochimaru exclaimes, making Kabuto point at the toad sannin since well… he has no fingers that could move at the moment.

"I resent that Orochimaru bastard!" Jiraiya points accusingly back at Orochimaru.

"You've been a pervert ever since we were a genin team!"

I watched from the sidelines bemused. A look of irritation on Tsunade's face appearent as the two former teammates fought like children. .

"WILL YOU MORONS SHUT UP THIS INSTANT!?"

Jiraiya and Orochimaru instantly shut their traps, their fear of Tsunade as greater than their need to bicker.

"Aw…it's cute when they are scared! Don't you think so Saru-kun?"

Saru stares at me like this O.O and then begins to sweat nervously.

"I-I don't think we should be taunting the enemy."

I scoff and toss my hair.

"But it's funnier that way! You need to loosen up a tad…now…where is Nar-"

"TAKE THIS SNAKE BASTARD! RASENGAN!"

I stare as Naruto slams a swirling ball of chakra into Orochimaru's back, carving up his flesh like a rotary blade.

"Well…that answers that question." I giggle and take a seat on the roof, as if I don't plan on doing anything.

Then Orochimaru's body poofs, leaving a wooden log in its wake; I frown.

"Awwwww…that's no fun." Saru smacks himself in the face. Meanwhile Tsunade stared in awe at Naruto who was curing up a storm.

"W-wha…Naruto? You completed the jutsu?" Her voice breathless.

"Of course I did Tsunade-baachan!" Naruto, forgetting completely about Orochimaru, smiles.

I raise my hand and wave frantically.

"Can I say something!!!?"

Everyone turns to look at me.

"Shouldn't we worry about the whereabouts of Orochimaru-san and Kabuto-san?"

Their eyes widen; Tsunade, Jiraiya and Naruto all launch off to find them. I stand up calmly and begin heading in the proper direction, to find them.

"I wonder how long it'll take for them to find the boys', what do you think Saru-kun?"

"I honestly think that we should not be involved in this."

I glance at him, and turn back to focus on the roofs we're jumping across.

"Saru-kun…I agree that we shouldn't get involved, but we have to. I do not need to see anyone become severely injured whereas I could have prevented it. So please, just do your job and assist me."

"You are far too insightful for your age."

"I want to be a psychiatrist, of course I'm insightful."

"What does that-?"

"No more questions! Keep up!" I begin running much faster; Saur's breathing heavied as he presses on, not wanting to be left behind.

I sneak up behind Orochimaru, and press up against his back, dragging my claws gently over his arms.

"Hey Oro-kun…did you miss me?"

He growls like a angry wolf. I held back the cringe as the curse mark started to spread across my skin like fire. With little effort I use my chakra to stop it in its tracks and force it back.

"Now, now…can't we be mature about this? I mean honestly…do you think you can defeat me? Especially with Akatsuki at my finger tips?"

He freezes.

"There is no possible way for you to be able to control them. They are an extremely powerful organization. I'll even admit that their Leader is not one to be toyed with; he'll see straight through you."

I chuckle and begin to play with the snake man's hair, running my hands through it gently.

"I doubt that…while they are all stronger than I am, and defiantly much more skilled…I can predict the future. I know what they plan on doing and I know when each and every one of them will die. In fact, I know when you will die Orochimaru-kun…would you like to know?"

He turns around, shoving me against the alley wall with a kunai to my neck.

"Do not play mind games with me wench! I know for a fact that you are spouting nonsense!"

"You're going to lose everything, Orochimaru-kun…though I will not be having the pleasure of doing so. I will be able to alter the future though; I don't care that you are an insane, psychotic murderer…nor do I care that any of Akatsuki are such either. I don't really like to see people die. Death awaits us all and I prefer if it were by natural causes."

"You amputate my arm and then spout bullshit like that!? What the hell is wrong with you wench!?" Only ice cold anger could be traces in his eyes. Any lesser person would be scared senseless by now.

I smirk widely and press my neck against his kunai, twisting so it bites into my skin, drawing blood.

"So many things are quite wrong with me dear. I'm a masochist for one. I find pleasure in tormenting others. I also suffer from several mediocre mental disorders. Does that clear it up a bit?"

He sneers at me and backs off.

"Only a bit. You're lucky I haven't decided to kill you, wench. I'll save that for another time when I can torture you, after I've gotten both my arms in full range of use."

I stare at him and kick his crotch; he doubles over clutching his family jewels.

"You make no sense when you talk…just so you know."

"F-f-fucking bit-bitch!"

I giggle and step on his back as I walk away.

"Come along Saru-kun…you can let Kabuto go now."

Saru nods, releasing his special confusion jutsu on Kabuto, allowing him to regain concentration.

"Wh-what…Orochimaru-sama!!!" Kabuto rushes to his master's side; Saru and I leave the alley to track everyone down-

They are all at the field where the normal battle should be taking place. I smile and withdraw my katana and draw a circle on a specific part of the ground and sit in it; this is the reason why I even brought it with me. They all stare at me, with confusion.

"I am going to sit here, while you guys battle, and I will guarantee that I will not get hit once. I proclaim myself and Saru neutral in this single battle…so you guys cannot do a damned thing about it."

I tie a blind fold around my eyes and order Saru to sit back to back with me and to do the same; he does so while shaking horribly.

I hear Orochimaru and Kabuto arrive after the two sanin and Naruto stare at us with confusion.

(ok…I seriously hope you all read the fricken note in the beginning because I don't intend on actually rewriting an entire battle! HERE IS THE CONDENCED VERSION!!!)

Orochimaru and Kabuto team up, as do the other two and begin to fight. I hear a lot of blows beging thrown, plenty of yelling…very much of it dialog that doesn't make sense. Naruto uses his Rasengan on Kabuto. Orochimaru, Tsunade and Jiraiya all make summons, There is a lot of things happening like things whizzing by us, and then there is the sound of skin (or scales?) hitting mucky water. Yay… then a lot of punching and beating is heard, I'm pretty sure that would be Tsunade's fist in Orochimaru's face.

This continues forever…until they all grow tired and Orochimaru disappears…or at least his chakra signature does and everyone slumps to the ground to rest…except Tsunade, who has to save Naruto's life. I remove my blind fold and stand up, Saru does the same.

"Well…that went rather well!"

Tsunade glares at me, rushing to heal Naruto. I take out a vial; it's basically an adrenaline accelerator, except it forces your chakra to work harder to heal your wounds. Sasori told me how to brew it. I open the boy's mouth and pour it in, massaging his throat to make him swallow; in moments his breathing settles, as does his heart and his wound's begin to disappear.

"H-how?"

"The Akatsuki may be a group of "evil doers" but they're nice to me and tell me stuffs!" I smile cutely and give a little peace sign.

Tsunade stares at me in shock.

"Nikkie-san." I turn to look at Jiraiya.

"Yes?"

"Even though you've helped us quite a bit, we're going to need to bring you back with us."

I sigh and nod.

"You just can't arrest Saru-kun, he's my business and you have no need to arrest him. He's considered captured in the bingo books."

"Fine. As long as you go quietly."

"Nikkie-sama, Konoha isn't going to be very pleased when they find we've run off."

I chuckle lightly and pull up the hood of my cloak and leap up into the trees. I turn around, placing a hand against the base of the tree for support and look down at Saru. A fresh drop of rain splashes onto my cheek.

"So what, Saru-kun? Shouldn't you know of my disregard for authority by now?"

"Yes, yes…but, what if they catch us?"

"We'll do what all missing nin do, escape." I wink at him and he smiles lightly. When Saru leaps up to stand beside me, the rain begins to fall much more rapidly and we launch our bodies in motion.

"Where to, Nikkie-sama?"

"To see Kakuzu-san, the bounties 'round here have been quiet and I think he may have a few in mind that he wont have time to find."

"Ah, so to Amagakure."

"Yes."

(-three days later-)

My hands come together in a series of signs and then smoke engulfs my body. When it vanishes, I stand as a 5'0" with fine red hair, green eyes wearing a skin tight, skimpy dark green dress.

(flash back)

"Where about is Hidan, Kakuzu?"

"No idea, he ran off on a special mission from Leader-san, what you came for another round?"

I glare at the tall dark man before me, I almost feel Saru shaking in the back round.

"You best not associate me with common prostitutes."

"Hn, well what are you here for, if you have not come to be with Hidan."

My arms fold over my chest, pulling my cloak tighter around my body; the rain still hasn't stopped pouring down.

"I'm here to get a bounty idea. It's been rather quiet where Saru and I have been hiding."

"Well…there is one…"

(end flash back)

I nod to Saru, he's disguised as and tall, handsome and richly dressed man. Giggling quietly, I latch onto his arm and he leads us out of the alleyway, down the dark walkway, several people staring at us. We walk, I tried to get Saru to strut but he just wouldn't cooperate, to a bar that I had checked out earlier.

"Make sure you don't let anyone but your caller touch you, Damoura." Saru cations me. I nod and wander in, swaying my hips seductively and look around carefully, trying to find my bounty; he isn't here yet. Bypassing several hormone driven men, I take a seat at a small table, crossing my legs femininely. I go over what Kakuzu-san had told me days before.

"There is one bounty that I won't have the time nor patience to get, unless I could get Hidan to dress up, but that wont happen." Kakuzu pulls out a wrinkled photo of a strange (scary) looking man. "This guy, Teken, Rem. He is a big time mafia man that likes to pick up prostitutes in every town he goes to. Several at a time usually. You're extremely, um, beautiful… so if you just slut up a bit when Rem is around, you'll most likely get picked up. He's just south of Cloud country. I'm sure you can handle it."

A waitress swings by my table and asks if I'd like anything to drink. I order a shot of tequila, not wanting people to see a non-drinking hooker hanging around.

I down my shot, wincing as it burns my throat, forcing the face I surly would have made as the wretched drink slitheres down my throat. Trying not to gag, I scan the room once again for my bounty.

I can't believe I didn't notice at first, but I spy my lovely stalker Hidan leaning over a glass of alcohol at the bar, wearing a tight tank top and his Akatsuki uniform minus the cloak. I uncross my legs, ready to stand, but act as if I were just switching sides instead. I must not break my cover.

I sigh and watch the crowd for another 20 minutes, nursing a bottle of sake, irritated when my target has yet to enter; oh well it's not even midnight.

"Oi! Old man! Another!" I look back to Hidan, finding him drunk as hell and hollering at the bartender. My eyes move into a roll and my small hand pushes a stray hair behind my ear.

When I look to the door I see a 5'10 silver haired Konoha jounin showing a piece of paper to the bouncer.

"Yea, I've seen her before, she was around here yesterday, didn't look like she was leaving anytime soon; but I couldn't tell you where she is, why not ask the bartender."

"Hm, thanks. At least I know she's here…"

My eyes follow his every move, and turn my head away to the door when he passes by me, his gaze not even shifting to me.

"What on Earth are you doing here Kakashi?" I mumble lowly to myself in english. My eyes widen slightly when, out of the corner of my eye I notice him seating himself beside my stalker. I knew one thing and one thing only.

This will not end well.

"Meh, why the hell you looking so miserable? Put a fuckin' smile on and drink!" I heard Hidan's slurred, drunken words.

I pull out my compact mirror and put on some lip-gloss, pretending to be fixing my hair I watched the pair at the bar.

Kakashi laughs and turns to Hidan slightly, eyeing him.

"I'll have what he's having." The bartender nods and brings him his drink, Kakashi holds up what seems to be my picture. "Have you seen this young lady?"

"Yea, I know her, she took care of some young ninja that were destroying my bar, very sweet girl she is. I offered her a job but she said she wouldn't be around much longer."

"Figures, well thanks."

I close my compact and focus my vision on the doorway, my hearing on the boys.

"You lost someone? Who?"

"My fiancé, I'll look for her in the morning. Right now, I think I'll get drunk."

"Hehe, I'm way ahead of you…tell me about yourself."

Kakashi tells Hidan about me, never mentioning my name. Then Hidan also talks about me, and what he's done with me so far; not mentioning I have a fiancé and also not my name. Then they just start discussing guy things, and seem to be growing…friendly with each other as the get drunk…er…

"Haha…you know Hidan, you're not a bad guy…we should get together sometime."

"Mh, I agree, you know, you remind me of my girlfriend."

"I do?"

"Yea!" I turn my head just in time to see Hidan leaning into Kakashi, planting a kiss on his masked mouth.

'WHAT THE FUCK!?' Please tell me my stalker did not just kiss my fiancé?

"Heh heh, sorry Hidan, I'm not into guys."

"Meh, it's all in good fun, so fuck it, let's get out of here."

I twitch as they stumble out of the bar, nearly running into the man just entering who just happened to be MY TARGET!!!

I so badly want to follow the boys, but I have an assassination to complete.

I stand up and saunter over to my victim, letting my small hand slide up his arm and onto his shoulder. Boy his scarred face frightenes me.

"Rem-sama?"

"Ah, so you're here, good." His voice is rough and jagged; why did I agree to do this? Saru is my assistant! He could have done henge and done this part!!!

"Well of course, I hear you pay well."

"For someone as luscious as you? I think I'll give you a bonus."

'do not vomit…'

"Then let's go!"

I run my blood soaked hands through my long blonde hair, and scoff at the mangled form of Teken, Rem. Worth a good 19,000,000 coin minimum.

He was a lot of trouble for me…I should get that gaping wound on my left arm fixed. I twitch and prod at the split flesh, that is starting to scab over. He wasn't in the mafia for nothing. This guy could fight.

Summoning chakra into my right hand I begin to perform my limited medical jutsu and my wound slowly begins closing; until my chakra is exhausted fully and it stops, leaving my wound half healed.

"Man you gave me trouble…"

Oh well…I pick up Teken's body and toss him onto my shoulder, making my way out the window, to the next exchange 7 miles away.

"Hey! That hurt's Saru!"

I refrain from punching my assistant as he tightens the bandage on my left upper arm.

"Well it's your own fault for going after that mafia man by yourself! You should have had me help you!"

I turn my head away like a scolded child…well I really was.

"Meanie…"

"S-sorry Nikkie-sama…"

"It's alright Saru-kun...ow…just finish up, I need to go find my fiancé and Hidan, they are busy making nice with each other. This could only happen in MY worst nightmares."

A couple more painful moments later, Saru sends me off, showered and in a clean black skort and tank top to go after my two boys.

I swallow hard and enter the vacant street (it's the middle of the night) that the sobering Kakashi and Hidan are walking down, in my direction; apparently they have yet to notice me. This can not end well…I'm sure of it. I pray for the best and walk under a street lamp, making myself visible.

"Oi...who the fuck…? Oh Nikkie-san!"

"Satokibi?"

I wince when the two look at each other, both sobering up instantly.

"You know my girlfriend!"

'Oh dear…he thinks I'm his girlfriend?'

"Nikkie…is…your girlfriend."

"Yes, who the hell are you to her?"

"I'm her fiance." Hidan's face contorts with shock and then anger begins building, but when Kakashi turns to me I turn stone cold. "Nikkie, is what he said, true?"

I flush red and look down.

"W-we've kissed and touched a bit before…but…I never agreed to be his girlfriend."

"You…you cheated on me! How dare you!? I-"

I wince when Hidan nails Kakashi in the face. Sending him backward into a wall, clutching his nose.

"If you happened to be around her more often, she may not be compelled to cheat on you!"

Kakashi stares at me in disbelief.

"Is that why you're doing this to me? Because I don't follow you on your little missions? Because I trust that you'll return to me? Because I never expected you to commit such a sin!?"

My eyes well up with tears. I knew this was not going to end well.

"Kakashi…I…" I trail off, looking away from Kakashi, we fall into an uncomfortable silence, except for Hidan's angry breathing.

"Nikkie-san, I want you, and I know you want me, so I'm going to kill him to make you mine!"

My eyes widen when in mere seconds, Hidan summons his triple bladed scythe and lunges at Kakashi.

"No! Don't do this!" I watch helplessly as Kakashi attacks in retaliation, the two well trained nin pretty much battling for my heart. How much more cheesy can this get?

Injuries ranked their bodies, some from Hidan's scythe, others from Kakshi's kunai. Then Hidan poorly blocks Kakashi's next move and has a kunai driven into his lung cavity.

My eyes widen and I feel my body start to shake, the terror running through my veins as Hidan begins to chuckle darkly…his strong hand wrapping around my fiancé's throat.

"You think that will kill me?" I don't like the evil glint in his eyes, my body rooted to the ground, unable to move.

"Nikkie is mine, and you won't interfere!" I watch as the priest raises his scythe for the final attack.

'No. NO!' "KAKASHI!!" I shriek, but it was too late.

The scythe rips through Kakashi's spine and out through his chest. I fall to my knees, watching blood accumulate around him, like a depthless lake. Hidan pushes him off his scythe and onto the cold walkway.

"Ka…kashi…"

He moves his eyes to gaze up at me, his grey and red eyes filled with pain…but not from the wound. I fall forward and my world fades to black. I've failed my love…

-TBC-

A/N: That is fucking depressing…tune in next time for more of it!

So…how many of you hate me? I beg you to read next chapter, it will explain a lot more and be much better, the arc between Sasuke leaving and such happens!!

The lovely beta Tally Mai-chan: Okay people please don't get too mad at Nightmare… That whole Kakshi/Hidan thing was my idea. So please don't be too mean to her? Anyways I'm hungry… (leaves to go get food) I LOVE MAC' N' CHEESE!