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Notes: Hello! This is Chapter 14 of "Two Worlds"—sorry it's taken a while to update, but I've got exams and papers and projects ad infinitum. Thank you so very very much to absolutely everyone who has read/reviewed—you're all wonderful! It was so cute to hear that some of you ate flowers when you were little, too; you and Neela have something in common! This chapter is a bit short, but I truly hope I did Neela (and Ray) justice; please let me know if it seems out of tune. And there is more to come, I just don't know when.
Disclaimer: I do not own ER.
Ray ran his fingers through his hair in a state of utter confusion and disbelief. "Jesus, Neela..."
Suddenly looking deep into her eyes, he said imploringly, "...why didn't you tell me?"
Neela couldn't bear to see the hurt in his eyes, but a part of her soul that was buried deep within felt somewhat indignant that he didn't realize what he was asking. You didn't want to hear from me, remember? She closed her eyes in an effort to shove the thought into the back of her mind, reluctant to reveal her own pain at having been pushed away so hurtfully. For the last six months, she had borne the same ache in her heart that Ray had felt at Neela's words after Michael's death, and it was only at this recognition that she understood—body and soul—what he had gone through
Mentally shaking herself Neela replied quietly, "It doesn't matter—it's over...I'm fine now." She didn't tell him how she had lain awake night after night, in too much pain to be able to actually fall asleep. She didn't tell him how she had to rely on Abby for absolutely everything the first month she was out of the hospital, unable to even get out of bed by herself. She didn't tell him how it took her lungs two full months to revert to their normal breathing capacity; she had almost suffocated to death one night when she couldn't reach her breathing apparatus from the bed. And she certainly didn't tell him that the only thought that had kept her going was a mental picture of Ray, his arms around her and the words 'It's going to be okay' whispered in her ear.
At this last thought, a sudden change came over Neela. It was as if the wall she had erected around her heart since he had so coldly told her to leave—so as to protect it against his words—suddenly came crashing down. Questions that had pervaded her mind for the past week and a half now seemed completely irrelevant. He had waited for her and now here she was; it would be up to him to decide whether it was too late.
They had moved to the corner of the garden pathway so as to let other visitors pass; they were still facing each other. Feeling slightly faint at what she was about to do, Neela slowly sat down on the wooden bench just behind her, causing Ray to inch forward in his wheelchair. Looking deeply into his saddened green eyes, she was about to begin before Ray preempted her.
"Neela, you should've told me—I deserved to know." He didn't know why he felt so incensed that she hadn't told him; at the moment, all sense of awareness and rationality had left him, only to leave him in a state of angered confusion and uncertainty.
The words were out of Neela's mouth before she could stop them. "Would you have cared?" Neela turned her eyes to the ground, unable to look at him as he continued to stare at her incredulously. With just four simple words, Neela's hidden pain had revealed itself.
"How could you ask that question?" Ray asked in amazement, his eyes trying to catch hers as she continued to look at the cobblestones embedded into the garden pathway. How could you think I wouldn't care? Even if only as a friend...
The avalanche of emotions that had been building up inside of her suddenly came pouring out as she replied softly, "I wrote to you every day for 6 months...all I wanted was to know you were okay, and you..." The pool of tears that had formed in her eyes threatened to brim over at any moment.
Her entire being was immediately gripped with a need to tell him that no matter how much they were both hurting, no matter how much they had hurt each other, none of it mattered anymore. She looked up at him just as the tears slowly made their way down her face and said, "I love you, Ray...I've loved you for such a long time...I just never realized..."
Neela suddenly seemed incapable of speaking more than a few words at a time. "...I wish...so much...that I could take back the past year and a half...and do things differently...and if I could make all of your pain go away I would...I just...I'm so sorry for...everything."
A new bout of tears streamed down Neela's face. "...I know I probably don't deserve a second chance and...if your feelings have changed I understand but...I...I care about you so much, Ray...I want to be here for you..."
She had to almost force the next words out. "...even if only as a friend..." When Neela had first resolved to fight her way back into his heart, she would have vehemently admonished herself for saying something like that. But now, now that she had seen him, had looked into his eyes and felt the warmth of his smile, Neela felt that having Ray back as a friend was better than possibly not having him back at all. He had to know that she loved him more than life itself, but if he didn't feel the same way, she wanted his friendship at the very least. Would that be enough? No matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise, she knew it wouldn't.
"Neela...I..." The tears that had brimmed over Neela's eyes seemed to have found their way into Ray's; the first time Neela had cried in front of him, the same thing had happened and continued to happen every time after that—whenever Neela cried, tears automatically prickled in Ray's eyes. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop them.
He wished he had a better answer, but at the moment his head felt like it was going explode with everything that he had taken in. He was so utterly confused that he hadn't even processed half the things that were floating in his mind. "...I don't...I need to think..."
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Ray had refused Neela's offer to walk him home. He was now parked firmly on the front porch—and had been for the past hour—as he gazed into the bright blue sky and found nothing to untangle the mess of emotions that were threatening to strangle him. He was trying to sort through them, he really was, but the only words that kept getting through were 'I don't know.' The part of him that had held on to the bitterness and anger were raging at her, infuriated that she could show up and ask to be part of his life again after having crushed it to pieces. The part of him that had held that guitar pick in his hands and felt like he could be somebody after reading her words thought that maybe, just maybe, she could help him through this. And the part of him that had laughed with her in the warmth of the sun urged him to dig deeper within himself than he was willing to look.
Do I still love her? He just didn't know.
Mrs. Barnett had arrived home from the grocery store before Ray, and she now proceeded to walk out onto the porch with a glass of lemonade for her and her son, taking a seat beside him.
"So how was the garden?" She enquired lightly as she handed him the glass.
"...uh...good..." He replied, unable to look at his mother as he did so.
"Did you get to see the daisies?" Mrs. Barnett said playfully.
Ray suddenly turned to look at her. "What?"
"The daisies—your father proposed to me on the bench in front of the daisies."