"I'm going out for a smoke." Remus suddenly declared, throwing his finished essay down. He'd had enough. Being pragmatic, he'd completed his potions essay. He was appalling at potions and so it had made sense to get it done before the Full Moon. His Defence essay, on the other hand, could wait until he was recovering, whether that was in the infirmary or in his bed. Either way, he couldn't force his tense fingers to hold his pen any longer.

"I'll come." Sirius spoke up, dumping his own essay down. In all likelihood, Sirius had not finished his essay. It probably wouldn't get finished on time either, because the full moon would tire Sirius out as well and in the aftermath he'd probably be looking after Remus. Nonetheless, Remus swallowed his guilt, something he did on a daily basis, and nodded.

"Coming Prongs? Wormtail?"

"Nah mate. I really want to get these finished before the match." James replied, without even looking up. His quill continued to move rapidly; a skill all the marauders had picked up. Remus once witnessed James and Sirius verbally plot an entire prank against Professor Slughorn whilst simultaneously completing a Care of Magical Creatures essay.

"Alright."

They made their way out of the Gryffindor Tower and suddenly felt the full chill of the November night. The castle was cold at the best of times, but away from the roaring fire and the warmth of the common room, Remus could barely stop his teeth from chattering. It was, he thought, a side-effect of his condition. He was always cold; always wearing a dozen layers. In winter it was easier to get away with, and it meant he could hide all his scars, but it also had drawbacks. Like his hands would dry up and crack to the point where he could barely flex them. His sore muscles would seize and he'd barely be able to walk. He become a wreck for months at a time.

"Here." Sirius conjured a ball of fire and had it float along beside them. It wasn't that warming, but it was the thought that counted. But what was a thousand times more appreciated was the arm Sirius slung over his shoulder and the way he hugged him to him. Remus had found, on more than one occasion since he was eleven, that there was nothing more comforting than one of his friends touching him. Platonically speaking, of course. And whilst he silently longed for Sirius to touch him a romantic way, he would take what he could get.

"I don't see why you insist on smoking outside given all the pain it puts you in." Sirius said as they reached the balcony at the end of the corridor. He pulled out two cigarettes and put them between his lips to light them. His fingers moved with such grace as he took one of them and placed it between Remus' lips that it was almost a turn on.

"Smoking kills." Remus replied quietly, looking out into the night. He could make out the line where the trees stopped and the sky began, but it was cloudy and there were very few stars making it through. "No point killing a bunch of innocent kids just because we're addicts."

"Speak for yourself. I'm not an addict."

"You smoke every night. You drink almost every night and often in excess. You do drugs. You crave a fix of troublemaking at least once every fortnight and your defence mechanisms are so shallow and materialistic that it's almost a wonder that there are four whole people in this castle who know the real you."

"Huh." Sirius took a long drag and breathed out. "Good point, well made. But you're the same. So is Peter and James."

"James never smokes." Remus pointed out casually, leaning his back against the wall of the castle.

James insisted he didn't smoke because he needed healthy lungs for Quidditch, but Remus suspected he simply wouldn't dare smoke if there was even the slightest chance that Lily might catch him. Lily had made it painfully clear that she detested smoking; she'd told Remus off repeatedly, but he wasn't the one trying to win her hand in eternity.

"Yeah, you're right. What a goody-two shoes."

It was that sort of statement that made Remus unsure of whether he wanted to laugh out loud at his best friend, or throw a book at him. He tended to alternate between the two, but this time he was quiet. He was in a rather contemplative mood. The approaching full moon was weighing heavily on him. He had a feeling that it was going to be a painful one.

"Are you alright, Moony?" Sirius asked softly, when the silence had become too long for him to deal with. Sirius did that often; probably a product of too many silent family dinners. He was completely incapable to cope with silence. In exams, Remus always heard him shuffling in his seat and sighing repeatedly. It wasn't to be annoying. It was because the silence drove him insane.

"I'm…" Remus trailed off, finding himself unable to form another lie. Contemplative was becoming an understatement. He was overthinking everything. It was so hard not to see all the bad in the world. It was so hard to ignore his friends' pain.

They were all so damaged in so many ways. It was why James mothered them all; why Peter couldn't stand when they weren't all together and would flit between them rapidly; why Sirius made it his life goal to let them live in a state of dreaming and why, when reality sunk in, Sirius was the first to ask that godforsaken question. Are you alright?

"I'm tired, Pads." He finally answered. "I'm so goddamn tired."

"Of what?" Sirius asked, stubbing out his cigarette on the wall and then taking Remus' from him so he could speak.

He wanted to say he was tired of life. He wanted to say that he was done- that he couldn't take any more. But the last time he'd said that, he'd broken his parent's hearts. He wouldn't do that to his friends too. He'd learned from his mistakes.

"Of the war. Of essays and full moons and all the fucking pain. I wish for so much and sometimes I get so sick of nothing good ever happening."

"What do you wish for?"

"I wish the war was over and James wanted to be a Quidditch player instead of an Auror. I wish Lily wasn't mourning her parents. I wish Peter would stop wasting all his money on drugs, and that you weren't going home to your awful fucking family again." The ranting was doing very little to make him feel better, but he continued nonetheless.

"And I'm selfish and awful, I know. I have so much more than I ever dreamed of. The things you've done for me… I'm so grateful. But I'm so tired of worrying."

"Well, you're not selfish or awful- I know that for sure." Sirius told him firmly, then extinguishing his cigarette too and approaching him. "You deserve so much more, Remus. Yeah, maybe we all do, but you don't have to worry for us. Don't get me wrong, it's in your nature, but we know for a fact it gets even worse when the full moon is coming."

"Yeah, I know. I'm being stupid."

"That's the last adjective I'd ever use to describe you, Moony." Sirius gave him one of his signature lopsided grins. "You're just you. Yeah, war sucks, but we're safe for another two years at least. Just focus on the good stuff. That's what I do."

Remus attempted a smile, nodding at his friend. It wasn't that easy, and they both knew it, but Sirius did have a point. They had another two years at Hogwarts and if being in such close proximity to Sirius didn't off him, he certainly wasn't going to let You-know-who get to him.