Apps, am I right?

14/10/18: There's An App For That

"I did something horrible!"

Timmy raced into my living room, holding a tablet and gesticulating wildly. I looked up from my book.

"What happened?" I asked, "Did you brick my computer?"

"No, I trapped the souls of most of our friends, enemies and vague acquaintances in an app game!" replied Timmy.

"But my computer is fine?"

"Well... yes."

"Okay." I picked up my book and settled back down.

"But we've gotta help them!" exclaimed Timmy.

"Finish chapter first," I replied, "Then save friends."

Twenty minutes later, we around the table in the review room, looking over the app. I had invited a panel of experts to help us sort out this conundrum.

"I know this app, dude!" nodded Soos, "It's Candy Match Tap Blast Saga Unlimited! It makes thirty billion dollars a hour!"

"But it's a free app, isn't it?" quizzed Spongebob.

"Oh, Spongebob, you sweet summer child," sighed Connie, patting him on the back.

"Okay, how's this game work?" I asked, loading up the app.

"You've gotta build up your camp full of diverse hero archetypes," replied Timmy, "And you win more heroes and buildings by playing match games."

"So it's Bejewelled but trying to be cool," I nodded, "So, how do heroes come into this."

"You can use their abilities to clear the board," replied Timmy.

"Okay, I've finished making an account... hey, looks like it's made Cosmo our starting hero. He hasn't been in a chapter... of our lives for a while!"

I looked at the screen. A render of Cosmo flashed before me. "Corn is nice!" he exclaimed in a poor-quality sound bite.

"Okay, it's given me a free crate," I noted.

"Yeah, you're not getting anything from that," said Connie.

"Don't be so sure!" I replied, "I just got Dipper!"

"Check his power set," said Connie bluntly.

I did so.

"Um... he's got itchiness and social awkwardness," I read, "Um... does that help us?"

"Nah, dude, Dipper's a bottom-tier hero," replied Soos, "I mean, his attack stat is minus one!"

"Harsh," I winced.

"But not wrong," said Timmy.

"Okay, so I've just checked our quest," I said, "We've got to get eight hundred quadrillion points to free our friends. How much do we get from Cosmo and Dipper."

"Ten points a game," replied Connie.

"...ah."

I tapped into the heroes menu.

"Let me just find a few top tier heroes," I suggested, "I mean, they can't be too expensive, right? Let me see... Sandy, Ford, Jorgen, Finn and Garnet should do, they have about a billion points a match between them, and if I get a bundle... Soos, how much is two million credits in real-money terms?"

"Thirty-six thousand dollars."

"Well, thank goodness I didn't sip my drink while you were saying that," I nodded, "Okay, let's play the game and see if we unlock something to help them."

I clicked to start a game, and was presented with a board of coloured gemstones. There were two buttons on the bottom to activate either Dipper or Cosmo's abilities. Out of habit, I tapped them both.

The results were disappointing. Cosmo once again cried "Corn is nice," and popped a single green gem next to him. Dipper was even less impressive; he squeaked out "Everything is different now," sweated a little and fell over without affecting anything.

"Cool," said Connie flatly, "Look, I think you're gonna have to pay money if we're gonna..."

"I'm not giving these cursed-game-making, money-grubbing, shovelware-peddling scumbags my credit card details," I snapped, "We're sitting here until we've got them out honestly.

"You know, you can get a booster for ten bucks," suggested Soos, "You can get four times score for one whole minute."

"Geez, who made this game?!" I exclaimed, "Mr. Krabs? Mr. Burns? Mr. Monopoly?!"

Far away, in a dark, foreboding castle, the Blue-Haired Lawyer approached his boss. The boss' chair was turned away from him, gazing out the window at the shadowy landscape.

"My lord," he said, "Our soul-capturing hostage-taking plan has earned us trillions of dollars, and thanks to our airtight Terms and Conditions, the law is powerless to stop us."

"And Congress?" said the leader.

"You've been called before a Senate Subcommittee."

"So I've gotten away with it?"

"Basically."

"Good, good. I think I shall celebrate..."

The chair swung around.

"...by buying a hotel on Baltic Avenue!" declared Mr. Monopoly.

"Okay, that was an ordeal, but at least we've got... ten points?!" I spluttered, "I thought we got ten each!"

"Maybe it's something to do with that flashing box?" asked Spongebob.

I tapped on it, and an information panel flashed.

"Watch an ad to receive your full reward," I read, "Oh, you... darned rascals."

I groaned and pressed the button.

We open to a shot of Beach Citywalk Fries on a normal summer day. Peedee stands outside, dressed as a standard surfer bro, complete with a surfboard that is clearly too big for him.

"...I just don't think I'm…"

"Peedee, we're rolling!"

"Oh! Uh…"

Peedee scratches his head.

"Say, bro, I've got the munchies for some bo… bode…" He squints at an invisible prompt board off screen. "...bodacious grub."

There is a long silence.

"That's your cue, Ronaldo."

"Oh, right!"

Ronaldo bursts onto the screen, arms outstretched.

"Then why not go to Beach Citywalk Fries?!" he exclaims, "The best place in Beach City for lunch!"

"That's a lie and you know it, Fryman!" Kofi bellows from off screen.

"Wow, bro, that's… g-narly!" exclaims Peedee, "But I'm a young dude aged 18-25, and my demographic always wants to diversify our food palette!"

"Don't worry," replies Ronaldo, "There's plenty of variety, like…"

The screen cuts to photographs of the various food items.

"Curly fries! Ultra-straight fries! Chicken fries! Sweet potato fries! Avocado fries! And our newest and hottest sensation, Fire Salted Fries!"

As the Fire Salted Fries flashes on screen, a note appears for a fraction of a second; Not FDA Approved. Beach Citywalk Fries waives all responsibility for damage to throat or intestinal tract.

"Whoa, dude, that's really excellent!" exclaims Peedee, "And so affordable, I can buy it despite my crippling student loans."

"So come on down to Beach Citywalk Fries!" says Ronaldo, "Best food on the Boardwalk, guaranteed! And while you're there, why not ask about Keep Beach City Weird, Beach City's premier…"

"Ronaldo, we discussed this," Mr. Fryman says from behind the camera, "You can't hawk your blog on camera."

"But dad! People need to know the truth!"

"Okay, that's twenty points," I sighed, "Connie, at this rate, how long is this going to take?"

Connie pulled out a calculator.

"Let's see... one minute, plus thirty seconds for the ad... eight hundred quadrillion divided by twenty... we're looking aaaaat... one hundred and fourteen thousand years."

"And if I were to pay my way past that, how much would I need?" I asked.

"Forty-six million dollars."

"I see."

I sat in silence for several minutes.

"Right," I declared, whipping out the Anti-Magic Tommy Gun, "We're robbing a bank."

"But-" Spongebob began.

"Shut up, it's a brilliant idea," I declared, "Now let's go!"

I charged outside, followed closely by Connie, Soos and Spongebob. Timmy stayed behind for a moment, looking at the tablet.

"Well," he said, "Might as well rate it."

He opened the review panel and unceremoniously tapped three stars.

AN: I mean, you might as well rob a bank, what with some of these in-app purchase prices!