When Dean Winchester let himself fall for Caleb Bailey, he had no idea the can of worms he was opening. He had no idea at all. He couldn't have known. No one had even hinted and his usual ability to read people had been off around these two particular blind spots. He'd been rolling around the madness for months and his little brother usually found the sane way around insanity.
Sam poured his brother a beer and gave him a look. "You fall in love again?"
"You act like it happens a lot." Dean sipped the beer. Weird. His brother was always so weird. Special brews and all kinds of fancy shit. The kid was only 18 and already too good for his big brother's usual brew.
"No, it doesn't. That's why I'm asking. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with you." Sam hadn't exactly missed his brother's drama. It'd been quiet while Mom and Dean were off on hunt after hunt.
"It's just... I met this guy. I think he's great. I thought he was gay, too." Dean shrugged.
"So, he's not. What's the big deal? Not every guy you're attracted to is gay." Sam pointed out.
"It's more than that." Dean shook his head. "It's not like all I got was a vibe. There were looks. There were touches. Jokes. The code."
"The code." Sam nodded to his brother. "You know... in some circles, men can just... flirt. Without codes. It's called coming out of the closet."
"I'm not in a closet."
"No one knows you're gay." Sam pointed out. "Except me. Maybe."
"The important people know." Dean sighed. He should probably tell his mother but he was 90 percent sure she knew. She was his mother. Maybe 80 percent. Possibly 50 percent.
"Fine. So... you thought you were getting smoke signals. So what?" Sam motioned for his older brother to get on with it.
"I put a move on. It wasn't... rejected out of hand. There are... complications." Dean waved his glass around and then set it down. It was stronger than he was used to. Almost like liquor.
"Like what?"
"Like he's into somebody else. Like... dating someone else. I didn't know when I put the moves on." Dean preempted his brother's sigh of disapproval with that last bit. He really hadn't known there was someone else in the picture.
"Okay... so... move on. Unavailable."
"It's more complicated than that." Dean groaned. "I sound like a girl."
"You said it." Sam grinned and hopped up on the table. His brother was really struggling but Sam pressed, Dean would shut down and then he would give up on everything except the hunt. It was his go-to protocol. Sam liked this better. Where Dean would actually talk to him about important shit.
"Kay... here's the deal. This... person, introduced us. I didn't know. No one ever said. Then he and I started doing jobs together. We hunt well together so we kept at it. I started putting things out there, he started to reciprocate... So, I put a move on. Then he... starts to explain I think. Then... I realized he didn't have to because it was all pretty damn clear. But... It's not that he's not gay. It's not that he's not straight. I guess he's bi but he's committed to this other person."
"A girl?"
"Yeah. Female." Dean took a breath. Female was a safe word. "I thought maybe it would be okay. Then... I met her."
"And."
"I know her."
"And."
"She's... Mom?" Dean picked up his beer and finished it off.
"What?" Sam blinked at his brother. "She looks like mom?"
He shook his head as he swallowed down the fancy and high proof beer. "No... Mom is fucking this guy I'm pretty into. Like... if... I don't know."
"Explain this." Sam stared at his brother.
"Look. When I thought it was just some girl, I figured I could share. Then it's Mom... and NO. Not sharing. Not participating. I didn't even know she saw people. Men. I knew she wasn't a nun but you know what a torch she carried for dad. I didn't think she carried on with anyone... you know... exclusively or... you know... long term."
Sam could feel the burning in his gut. It never started slow. It was always a fierce burn when their mother started doing things that impacted her sons' lives in ways that couldn't be undone. "She's carrying on with someone young enough to catch your eye?"
"Yeah. Yeah. He's... 30 or so. I guess Mom's not so old."
"She's 43." Sam poured a beer for himself. He took a big gulp and and breathed in through his nose while the alcohol and flavors did their work. "She's 45 and dating a 30 year old who's been making eyes at her 22 year old son."
"Yeah."
"It's kind of sick." Sam took another big swallow but no amount of water, alcohol or weed had ever numbed the fire that sprouted when he thought about his mother and their life and everything they had never had.
"I don't think she knows." Dean started to backtrack. He frowned at the fury in his brother's eyes. He hadn't meant to give his brother more ammo against their mother.
"So what now?"
"I don't know."
"Well, you can't pursue it. I mean... if he's with mom and you're with him... it's almost like." Sam finished off the beer and set the glass down.
"Yeah. I know."
Sam busied himself with putting the stopper back on the beer and putting it back in the cabinet. "What does he say?"
"He doesn't know either."
"Boys." Mary walked into the apartment and glanced around while patting her pockets the way she did when she was trying to make sure she hadn't forgotten something. "I gotta go. I know I said I'd stay for the graduation thing but... I got a lead. My buddy is taking me out to speak to someone."
"Really, Mom?" Sam bit out and stared at the wall. "I'm the only son who's actually graduating high school. I thought this was what you wanted for me."
"I do and I'm proud but this is the thing that killed your father." Mary stood up straight and barely tilted her head to look in her youngest son's eyes.
"I know!" Sam blew up at her. "I know! This evil thing killed Dad and you've. You're.. I just. Sometimes I wished he'd lived in-... Maybe all this shit wouldn't happen to us."
"Watch your mouth." Mary's eyes glittered with tears. He'd cut himself off but she knew what he thought. He'd been screaming it in her face since he was nine. "Your father was a good man. He didn't deserve what happened to him. If I don't go right now, I could lose it. Then all the work we've done. All that we've given up is for nothing. I want to see you walk so much but I can't let this chance get away."
"Fine. Just go. Just go hunt. Run around with guns. Forget about your children."
"Guys." Dean stepped in. He could feel the panic building in his chest the same way it always did when they fought. Snippets of memory floated into his brain. Mom and Dad going at it and Dad storming out, disappearing for days. Anxiously hovering near his mother in case she decided to run out the door, too.
"I've never forgotten about the two of you. I'm... I gave up everything to make sure you would be safe. I couldn't protect your father but I will protect you. I will find the demon who took him from us." Mary blinked back the tears. Her entire family gone save for her children.
"How can you be so loyal to his memory when obviously you've replaced him?" Sam snarled.
"Sam." Dean bit out. His father's face, shouting, came to mind.
"You have no idea what you're talking about." Mary went still. The way she always did when attacked. By her father, by her husband, and now by her child.
"He doesn't love you." Sam's hazel eyes flashed at her as he stepped into her space, making her tilt her head back further to keep his gaze. "He loves Dean. You're just so full of important works that you don't even see what you're doing, do you?"
"What?" Mary's eyes wavered for a second but stayed on her second son.
"Sam!" Dean yelled, eyes wide circles.
"Dean." Mary looked to her oldest son. She thought that Sam was just pushing buttons but the one he was mashing had gotten his brother riled up. "What is he talking about?"
"Forget it." Dean stormed out, his gait wavering as he went. Drunk, Mary sighed.
"Look what you did. You always do this to him. You make him feel small and I hate you for it. I'm never going to let you make me feel like the things I want are less important than what you want." Sam stared at her. "I wish you were dead and I wsih Dad were here."
"Me too." Mary turned and walked out of the room.
Sam was drinking and crying when Dean got back. He couldn't apologize. It wouldn't be enough. One look at Dean's face and he knew it would never be enough. Dean grabbed his bag and walked out the door. He was standing in the middle of the parking lot. He could easily take the chevy or he could take the olds they used when Mom was gone or he could easily boost any car in the lot. He walked to the Chevy, found his mother in the driver's seat, bottle of gin in hand. He sat in the passenger's seat.
She put the car in drive and capped the bottle, tossing it in the backseat as she guided them out of the city. "I'm sorry, Dean. I think I know what Sam was talking about. I didn't know that the... I knew Caleb was wandering. I didn't know it was with you."
"Nothing's happened yet. I didn't know it was you for a while." Dean admitted.
"He's a good man. I've leaned on him these last years... Why didn't you tell me you were gay?" Mary kept her eyes on the road.
"Sam's the only one who really knows."
"I'm sorry he took his anger out on you. He's never learned not to do that." She sniffed and pulled into an all night diner. Without being asked, Dean walked in and picked up the order she'd placed. He was a little irate that it was coffee and breakfast for two. Like she'd known he'd get into the car. He passed her the coffee and the food. He picked at his. She stared straight ahead as she ate. "I have to tell you something."
"What's that?"
"I love you. I really do." She found his arm and gave it a squeeze. "I'm okay if you like men. I'll leave Caleb alone. I can't give him what he needs anyway. I'm too old. I'm too broken. He's still got hopes. He's still young." She munched on her bisuit and shoved a slice of bacon into her mouth. "I loved your father. More than anything. I gave up a lot to be with him."
"I thought your folks were already dead when you married Dad."
"That's what I have to tell you." She whispered to the windshield. "When Dad came back from Vietnam... I was fighting with them. My dad hated John just because he was a civilian. The fact that he was a war hero had no impact on that man. I loved him and I hated him. He was my father. I wanted him to like John. He always said that John was a nice fellow... for a civilian. My folks used to joke what it would be like when he found out what we were."
"Mom." Dean watched her profile in the light from the diner. He'd never seen her so still in his whole life.
"Strange things were happening. Dad was investigating some kind of omens. I was just trying to love John. I knew he was going to ask me to marry him. We were going to buy a van and ramble around. Then he bought this car." She glanced around at the inside. "I was pissed but he was stubborn and he kept pointing out that it had room enough for kids in the back. We could hitch a trailer if I was so set on rambling. Fighting with my folks got worse. I helped Dad with his hunt... and that's when I first met the demon."
"You met the demon? Before this happened to Dad?" Dean sipped his coffee just to get his eyes off the pain in her face, the tears slipping down her face.
"Yeah. It liked me. So, strange. I stopped it from making a bargain with a friend of mine. It stared right at me. Dad burst in and it was gone. I wanted to run away with John that night. He was seconds from proposing. I just knew he was. Dad showed up and yanked me out of the car. Only it wasn't Dad. It was the demon. Before I could do anything, John was trying to get between us and then John was dead. The demon wearing my father snapped John's neck." Mary took a breath. "He told me that I could have John back though it was too late for my folks. My mother was dead and my father had a lethal wound on him. The demon was the only thing keeping him alive."
"Mom."
"He said I could have John back... all I had to do was make a promise." She sucked in a shuddering breath. "He needed permission to come into my house in ten years. That's all. I agreed. He said I had stay out of his way. I agreed and John woke up. My father was laying there, dead. John took the blame for Dad. Said he blacked out, didn't remember but he must have done it save me. Cops... they didn't like my dad. They good riddance. All hail the war hero John Winchester."
"Mom."
"I almost left him... to save him but I loved him too much. That night... I heard the noise. I saw the lights flickering. I didn't get up. I knew what it was. I didn't know that your dad was up and around. I thought he was passed out in front of the TV. We were still... recovering from our latest fight." She sniffed. "Then he screamed. I got Sam out. I got you out. It was too late for John. I have blamed myself all these years. All he ever did was love me, or try to."
"Mom."
"It did something to Sam, Dean. I don't know what exactly. There was blood on the blanket but I don't know whose. I can't just assume it was your father's. It's coming for Sam and we have to stop it first." She looked at him. "I didn't want you kids to know but... I can't control Sam anymore. Maybe I never could. I lean on you, I do, Dean. I need you to protect him and help me get this demon. If Caleb is what you need to be a whole person, he is yours. I'm not capable of loving anyone the way I loved your father. I'm good for no one, not even my boys."
"Mom... I've been scared my whole life." Dean admitted softly. "I've been scared that I've not been good enough. So I always made sure I was the best shot there was... especially after Sam tried to show me up when I started to fail you. I made sure Sam got his childhood while his genius little brain would let him have it. I hid myself from him because... I didn't want to make it seem like I was leaving him alone in the world. Sam is okay. He's... a little shit and he needs to learn his words hurt... but he's okay." Dean sniffed. "Nothing is going to get to him. He's got a sense of right and wrong that I envy. I don't need some dude to feel like a whole person. I just need to be there when you take this thing on. I will do anything you need me to so that we can kill this son of a bitch."
She rubbed his arm and sniffed back tears while she got herself together. "I need you to take care of Sam. That's what I need you to do. I'm going with a buddy of mine to get in deep. I'll take you Caleb, he'll fill you in. Don't be afraid to love someone Dean. Okay? It won't always end in blood."
"You don't know that."
"No, but I can hope for better for my boys." She touched the back of his head. "Always remember that I love you. Dad loved you and your little shit of a brother loves you. You make me proud. Caleb would be lucky to have you. Lucky. I'm sorry I almost messed that up for you."
"I don't know that I could. Just knowing." Dean picked at his eggs. They were cold already.
"Okay. Life's short, honey. I know we got our missons but don't waste the rest of it on the little things. That's your brother's specialty anyway."
"It's not a waste, Mom. He's smart. Really smart. He'll graduate and go to college. He'll make us proud."
"I am proud of him." She smiled at her first born. "If anyone can make a go at the life I really wanted for you boys, it's him."
"And me?"
"Maybe you were scared but you never failed me. I leaned on you because I knew I could. You're the strongest person I've ever known. You've never left me though I know you could have a dozen times over. I give you space when you need it. I'm your mother. I know you better than anyone. Maybe I knew you were gay but you do a damn good job of hiding yourself from the world." She put the car in reverse and go them on the road. "I'm proudest of you because I know you'll do what needs to be done."
"And what do you think needs to be done?"
"That's my biggest fear. I can't pull the trigger on one of my sons." She kept her eyes on the road. "Could you pull the trigger on your brother if you needed to? If it was the one thing that kept this earth spinning? If it was the one thing that kept the demons in their cages in hell?"