Stay with Me
Good News and Bad News
Casey didn't speak to Severide over the following days, determined to distance himself from the man, because what had happened between them following Andy's death had hurt, far more than he was willing to admit. Severide had hurt him too and he wasn't a forgiving guy. He'd gone to Severide because he'd needed someone, but he was left alone. Severide had been the reason he couldn't sleep at night, the reason he would drown his sorrows in a bottle of whiskey, the reason he almost swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills. He was also the reason he didn't swallow an entire bottle of sleeping pills, because he didn't want to cause Severide any more anguish or hurt, but maybe it was selfish to think Severide would have been hurt by his own death, as much as Andy's death, after Severide had made it pretty clear who's fault that had been.
It was the middle of the morning when his nurse came in, she had a mask on but Casey could see that she was smiling. "Hey, Matt. Got some good news for you. You can get out of here today."
"What? Really?" He almost couldn't believe it was true, he'd given up expecting to get out of here, it had been a long twenty-three nights in the hospital.
She nodded. "Really. Doctor just called up after seeing your blood test results, he's happy that you can go home and be back here for the biopsy on Monday," she told him.
"If the blood test is good does that mean the biopsy will be good?" he questioned.
"It means your blood count has recovered from the chemo, it doesn't mean you're in remission," she replied diplomatically.
"I can just go?" he said, sitting up straighter on the bed.
She nodded. "You can't drive, and it's best just to stay at home to start with, make sure you don't come into contact with anyone who might be sick, or has been with anyone who's been sick. Where the surgical mask out in public and out of this room, stick with the neutropenic diet. Any signs of fever or infection out of hours then go to the ER, all right?"
"All right," he said, nodding.
"Got a ride? Or is Kelly at work today?"
"Kelly?" He frowned, although he should have expected his name to be mentioned, but Casey had just been trying to ignore all thoughts of the man.
"Yeah, can he give you a ride home?" she asked.
"Yeah, maybe," he responded, offering a smile.
In the end Casey called Boden, he'd considered taking a cab but he hadn't wanted to whilst wearing the surgical mask, it was like a big flashing sign announcing to the world that he was sick, at least getting a ride with Boden meant he could avoid most of the public. There was mostly silence between the two of them on the way to Casey's house, and when they spoke Boden did most of the talking, filling Casey in on life at the firehouse and even on his own personal life.
Boden followed him slowly into his small townhouse. He'd not seen his truck lieutenant for more than a fortnight and the change in his physical appearance seemed drastic. His hoody hung too lose on his shoulders. His hair seemed thinner and his face gaunt, with dark circles around his eyes. Boden held his bags as Casey fumbled with his keys. Once in his house he glanced around and Boden put his bags down. His mail had been piled up on the dining table, he assumed that was Severide's doing, he went over to the couch and all but collapsed onto it.
As Casey had sat down on the couch Boden went into the kitchen. He opened up the refrigerator and checked the cupboards. Casey had his head resting on the back of the couch with his eyes closed. He could hear Boden looking around but he didn't give it much thought.
"I'm going to pick up some groceries for you," Boden said, appearing back in front of him.
He opened his eyes. "No point in protesting, right?"
"None at all," Boden responded with a nod. "Is there anything else you need?"
"I'm all right, but thanks."
"Toiletries, clothes…" Boden started to list.
"Don't need my boss getting my…"
"Not here as your Chief," Boden pointed out.
"Don't worry, I'll manage," he told him.
"I don't doubt that," Boden responded.
Casey's time at home wasn't spent much dissimilar to his time in the hospital. Although his house seemed messier, he mostly slept but after his second night at home he felt a sudden surge of energy and he took advantage of it by cleaning his house from top to bottom. He suffered for it the next day though and he could barely get himself out of bed, and when he did he discovered a mass of blond hair on his pillow, he stared down at the hairs as he felt his head. He knew losing his hair would be inevitable eventually, he'd been finding loose clumps for days. He brought his hand away, accidently bringing more hair with it. This was it, he was really going to start looking sick now. He got up, faltered and then went over to his wardrobe, digging out all the hats he owned, he wasn't ready to shave his hair off just yet.
He was thankful Boden had been out to get him groceries, but making sure he had food in wasn't the only problem with food, he also lacked the energy for any sort of food preparation so he barely ate anything despite Boden's good intentions. Casey was sure if his doctor knew he'd be going home and getting no help from anyone then he wouldn't have been discharged, but he'd just wanted to get out of the hospital so badly. He was tired of being disturbed, of having no privacy, of hearing people in the rooms beside his, moaning, throwing up and even just walking around or talking. The walls of the hospital weren't thick. His house was peaceful and quiet despite the cars driving by, anything would be better than the hospital. It was a modest house, spacious for just himself, with traditional décor, he'd lived there for a few years now, he'd moved in not long after he received his lieutenants' position at 51. There were two storeys, plus a basement, there was a main bedroom and a spare on the first floor but he'd spent most of his time home from the hospital on the couch, close to small downstairs bathroom, comfortable and in front of the TV.
He felt like he'd barely been out of the hospital when he was back in the oncology ward waiting to have his blood drawn, and another bone biopsy. He'd already lost count of the amount of blood draws he'd had, but at least they didn't have to stick him with a needle every time. He was slouched on one of the waiting room chairs, wearing a Blackhawks cap, old CFD hoody and some worn jeans, he had his arms wrapped around himself, he was struggling to keep warm, despite now being inside out of the harsh winter winds.
A familiar face approached him with a bright smile. "No one with you today?" Catalina asked after she greeted him.
"Was just fine on my own last time," he responded. He knew everyone was on shift today, Boden had offered him a ride to the hospital but he'd decided to take a cab despite his earlier concerns about wearing the surgical mask in public, he was too tired to care now.
"Come on through then, Matt, just the bone biopsy and blood draw today," she said as he followed her into the procedure room.
After the biopsy Casey had to wait in the recovery room for a while, and he didn't protest to the wheelchair. They'd given him a light sedative, often the anticipation of having the biopsy done after having been through the procedure in the past made the experience more nerve-wracking, so the doctor had insisted despite Casey's protests. It had made him a little unfocused and even more tired than usual but he was actually glad of it, it did help him to relax and the biopsy felt like it hadn't taken much time at all.
It wasn't long before Doctor Park moved back the privacy curtain and walked over to Casey's bedside, he sat down on the small stall before he spoke. "Hi, Matt, I've had your results. Unfortunately, we're going to need to do another cycle of induction chemotherapy, not what we were hoping for but…"
"It was a possibility," Casey finished tiredly, although the sedative had worn off.
Doctor Park nodded. "Your blasts are still quite high at 48%, so, this time I…"
Casey had zoned out, he was looking through the window. It was trying to snow. There were small white flakes littering the grey sky.
"Matt?"
"Sorry… 48%?"
"Yes, so we're going double the chemo dose, you coped very well last time so I'm happy we can do that, and hopefully that will bring the blasts down to 5%, get you into remission," the doctor told him. "Your CBC also came back and we need to admit you, your white count and your platelets are too low again. We'll start chemo again tomorrow morning. I want to give you a blood transfusion today and we'll draw some more blood tomorrow to make sure we can start on the chemo though, how does all that sound?"
"It is what it is, I guess."
"All right. Catalina will be by soon and you can get settled in again."
"Yeah, thanks."
Casey had come prepared with a few items and clothes in case he needed to stay, it was always a possibility depending on the results, but he had really hoped he would have been able to go back home. Three days home from the hospital hadn't nearly been enough. It only made him miss being home more as he sank down into the hospital bed. He gazed out the window and didn't bother making conversation with Catalina as she set up his blood transfusion, she remained silent and didn't try to talk to him, she worked as quickly as she could so that he could be left alone for a while.
His phone started to vibrate on the side table, he almost considered ignoring it until he saw the caller ID. It was Boden.
"Chief?" he began as he answered the phone.
"Casey, I'm calling to offer you a ride, if you're not back home already, would have called earlier but there was a pin-in accident," Boden explained.
"Oh, thank you, Chief, I don't need a ride though," he responded.
"You're home? How about I come over tomorrow, we can watch a game?" Boden suggested.
"I'm…" he stopped himself, he'd almost considered lying. "I'm still at the hospital. They've had to admit me."
"What's happened, Matt?" Boden asked.
"The chemo didn't work, well, it worked a bit, but it didn't work as well as it was supposed to..."
"I'm sorry, Matt, what can I do?"
"Nothing. But thank you for offering," he responded.
"Please call me, keep me updated, let me know if there's anything you need," Boden insisted.
"Yeah, sure. Thanks."
Casey ended the call before Boden could say anything more. He started another cycle of induction chemotherapy the next day and it didn't take long until he started feeling the side effects of the drug running through his system. Like last time they had given him some antiemetics before the chemotherapy started but it didn't seem to help much now the cytarabine dose had been doubled, he put up with it stoically though, that was until late at night when he was unable to sleep despite his exhaustion when everything hit him. Chemotherapy was hell and there was no way around it. It felt like it was killing him and he shed tears alone in his darkened room.
TBC