Chapter Fourteen – Grieving

Kagome curled up under the quilt, and stared into the darkness of the room. The tears had ended. The painful sorrow had ebbed away, retreated back to the murky corners of her soul where, she knew, it would lie in wait. She was clean and fed, and that actually made her feel marginally better, despite the initial reservations and reluctance she had expressed towards eating and bathing.

She closed her eyes and drew her knees closer to her chest. The day had been long and it had left her feeling drained, utterly exhausted both physically and mentally. She would have loved nothing better than sleep, blissful, deep, dreamless sleep that would allow her a moment's reprieve from the grief and the pain of the broken heart.

But of course, sleep would not come.

She remembered the early days, tucked away in a corner of Kaede's hut, lying on a futon day and night, trapped in her pain. She hadn't been able to sleep, she hadn't had any appetite… She had simply laid there, trying to make sense of it all, waiting to wake up from this nightmare where Inuyasha was gone.

It was much the same now. Lying on the mattress, huddled under her quilt and unable to sleep. The numbness eating her heart and soul, filling her with that crippling emotion, the one feeling that scared her the most.

It was not grief or sorrow. It was not agony or heartache. It was not shock or loss.

It was not even the loneliness.

She would have welcomed any of those, painful as they were, squirming and wriggling underneath her skin, they were still something.

And something was always better than nothing.

Because that was the only feeling left to her now: emptiness.

She drew a quivering breath and opened her eyes again.

"Are you all right?"

The sudden question startled her almost as much as the voice in which it was asked.

Soft. Kind.

She hadn't even known he could sound like that.

Kagome could faintly make out his outline in the darkness of the room. He sat at a respectful distance, close to the wall. Keeping watch, looking after her.

Her broken heart trembled in her chest. Would she dare…?

He had been so good to her, better than she had ever believed possible…

Could she really ask for more?

Would she dare to be so selfish?

"Sesshoumaru," she called out to him in a choked whisper. "Please…"

With a rustle of silk and the scuff of bare feet against the straw of the tatami, Sesshoumaru was there, kneeling by her side, looking down at her his golden gaze full of concern.

"What is it, Kagome?"

Her hand snaked forward, curling around his wrist. As always, his skin was warm to her touch, much warmer than her own.

"I need…" she whimpered, trying to find the words.

She needed to get away from the nothingness.

She needed to not be alone.

She needed him.

"I want to forget, for just a moment… I need to feel something, something other than this."

His eyes – looking slightly wider than they had a few seconds before – stared down where her fingers were still wrapped around his wrist.

Kagome waited, her breath stuck in her throat and her heart heavy in her chest. Had she asked for too much? He might not even be attracted to her. From the very beginning, their mating had been a calculated decision in which feelings took no part; a mutually beneficial arrangement. He had only ever offered her respect. And that had been more than enough until this very moment.

He drew a breath, his gaze moved from her hand to meet her eyes.

"Are you sure?" His voice was inquisitive but even.

Her grip of his wrist grew firmer. "Yes."

Kagome gave no consideration to consequences. She was too caught up in the now, unable to think of anything but the numbness she wanted to escape.

Sesshoumaru reached over the mattress and Kagome released his wrist, rolling to her back. His fingers brushed against her shoulder in passing as he took a hold of the quilt and slowly peeled it off. He leaned over her and brushed his cheek against hers. His skin felt surprisingly soft, but softer still were the few glossy silver-white strands that fell over his shoulder to tickle the side of her neck. The breath Kagome had been holding left her in a small sigh.

Sesshoumaru's free hand splayed on her waist as his head dropped lower. Kagome heard the keen inhale as his nose pressed against the curve of her neck – just an inch to the side from the spot Kagome suddenly remembered had been Inuyasha's favourite. She squeezed her eyes shut and grimly pushed aside the thoughts of the man she loved as Sesshoumaru tugged her belt loose and gently slid her robe open. He placed a kiss on her collarbone and allowed his hands to dance on her bare skin. His touch was warm, his caresses feather-light.

So respectful, even now.

A wave of gratitude washed over Kagome and her eyes fluttered open. She took in the way his eyes followed the paths his fingers weaved on her body and for a moment felt nervous.

Unbidden again came a thought of another pair of golden eyes that had shone in the dark, how alight they had been when Inuyasha had looked at her. Her heart ached, and wanting to chase away the bitter sadness, needing to feel closer, Kagome wrapped her arms around Sesshoumaru's neck. In return, he planted a fleeting kiss on her shoulder. His hands cupped her breasts and gave them a pondering squeeze before continuing their exploration. They ghosted over her ribs and then glided down over the expanse of her stomach. Tracing the lines of her hip bones, his touch finally came to a stop.

Sesshoumaru raised his head and gazed at her. Her chin lifted as she resolutely met his hooded eyes.

He grabbed a hold of her thigh with one hand, while the other dipped down. Kagome's back arched and her lips parted, her intake of breath a sharp hiss. As Sesshoumaru's fingers continued their gentle coaxing, Kagome had to bite her lip to stifle a moan. Her heart was racing, her breaths growing quicker and shallower.

"I put up a barrier," he murmured, drinking in her flushed face and the rise and fall of her chest. "There is no need to worry about making noise."

The next time, Kagome allowed moan leave her lips. The numbness was ebbing away and she loosened her hold of Sesshoumaru, let her hands trail to his shoulders and then reach down to his waist. Her trembling fingers struggled with the knot for a moment but finally managed to pry it loose. His robe fell open, the soft cotton whispering against her sides.

He paused in his ministrations and for a moment Kagome wondered if she had been too forward. But then he growled in approval, a soft, low rumbling sound that felt familiar and foreign at the same time. She rested her palms on his muscled chest and fought away the bittersweet memories, allowed herself to be lost in the sensations Sesshoumaru's skilled fingers brought to life. She basked in the heat he was radiating, his nearness, the feel of his smooth skin under her hands.

Sesshoumaru's burning gaze bore into her blue eyes. His hand left her thigh and moved to the small of his back to untuck the ends of his fundoshi. Kagome reached down to join his efforts; her fingers brushed against his buttocks in passing as she helped unwrap the length of cloth.

Sesshoumaru let out another growl at the contact and his golden eyes flashed.

The last of the fundoshi came loose and he gently nudged her legs to part.

Kagome held her breath, her nerves on the end as he leaned closer. Her hands travelled up Sesshoumaru's back, holding onto him as he positioned himself. She whimpered as he moved, feeling relieved and discomfited at the same time. His hands came to rest on the mattress on either side of her, caging her with his large frame. Kagome wrapped her legs around Sesshoumaru's hips, pulling him closer and drawing out a low groan from him. His head fell to nuzzle against the side of her neck, his hot breath tickling the sensitive skin.

He was everywhere; above her, around her, inside of her. It was this that she had yearned for, the comfort one could only derive from physical proximity. No feelings of affection or primal need drove her, just the simple desire to connect with someone and feel safe in their embrace. And for just a short moment, Kagome allowed herself to forget about the love she had lost.

L-A-L

Kagome's eyes were half closed and unreadable when Sesshoumaru grabbed the quilt and pulled it over her, carefully tucking her in. He brushed her bangs aside and bent down to place a chaste, light kiss onto her forehead.

"Sleep," he murmured.

She turned to her side and curled up under the quilt, but her eyes still stayed open and searched for his.

"You're gonna stay, right?" Her voice came in a hesitant whisper.

"Of course," Sesshoumaru reassured her. Through their bond he could feel her nervousness start to creep back.

"You could lay down," she said after a moment.

"I am fine right here," he reassured her, sitting on the tatami right next to her mattress.

Another short silence passed, before Kagome spoke again.

"I wouldn't mind," she said softly, averting her gaze. "I mean I've already asked too much of you tonight so I can't…"

Sesshoumaru patiently waited as she drew a breath. She seemed so very fragile tonight, and yet she was so honest and open. That surprised him, but also made him feel honoured.

"It feels weird to sleep alone," she confessed at last. "After all those years with Inuyasha, I got used to…" her voice choked and through their mating bond Sesshoumaru felt a sharp pang, one of grief and longing.

He got up and circled around Kagome. He eased himself down onto the mattress, though he did not slip under the quilt with her. Mated they might be, but he was careful of crossing any boundaries; he didn't want to show her any disrespect.

Kagome sighed and shifted, pressing her back against his chest. He could feel her warmth even through the quilt. He could smell the slight traces of soap and sweat lingering on her skin. The room was silent, the barrier still in place blocked all the noise. The only sound filling his ears was Kagome's breathing, growing softer and more even as the minutes ticked by. He heard her heartbeat slow down as sleep finally claimed her.

Sesshoumaru propped himself up on his elbow and leaned over her form, peering at her pale face. A lone tear gleamed, clinging into her long lashes but otherwise she appeared to be at peace.

He suddenly felt grateful to his mother. Whatever she had done or said to Kagome seemed to have worked. He was still worried and knew that the struggle was far from over, but nevertheless he had an unshakable feeling that this battle at least was won.

Sesshoumaru had always marvelled at the strength of Kagome's spirit, though his admiration of her had not truly begun until they had finally faced Naraku. Her fearless determination as they had been trapped inside the foul spider hanyou had impressed him, and he knew she was to thank for their victory that day.

And now, the more he learned to know her, the more highly he thought of her. Broken though she might be, she still seemed to cope quite well with her loss. Sesshoumaru didn't know how she did it. What he could feel through their bond were mere flickers of the emotions she was shouldering, yet sometimes they were so keen and painful they gave him a moment's pause.

Sesshoumaru hoped they had not overstepped tonight. Their relationship was still fresh, they were still trying to find the balance. Her request had certainly caught him off guard, but he did not expect for it to happen again. He recognised it for what it was – a plea for the comfort of physical companionship, little different from her wish for him to share her futon.

Still he hoped that when morning dawned, there would be no lingering awkwardness, that she would not regret a decision made in a moment of weakness, or fear he had misconstrued it.

What Sesshoumaru sought more than anything was a partnership and he didn't want what had transpired tonight to have a negative impact on their relationship.

He had proposed the mating because his mother had forced his and he had perceived it to be in the best interest of the both him and Kagome. Still, if he was truthful, Sesshoumaru had to admit that he rather enjoyed the union, even when it was in name only.

He hadn't realised how lonely he had truly been until now, when he was no longer alone.

L-A-L

Kagome woke up. She let her gaze sweep across the room, taking notice of the light streaming through the paper screens before she closed her eyes again. She was in no hurry to get up, not when she was so nice and warm, lying on the futon and tucked under her quilt. She felt Sesshoumaru next to her and burrowed closer to the comforting heat he radiated.

Once again, he had been so patient with her and shown her such kindness that her weary heart ached. For a moment, Kagome almost wished he had mated Kinyuubae clan's O-Yumi, like Lady Mother had intended. He certainly didn't deserve to be saddled with someone like her, someone who was damaged goods.

Back in Edo when he had proposed this mating to her, he had said he wanted his woman to be someone he could respect. Kagome stared at the painted landscapes of the cupboard doors, her mind filling with doubt. Would he still be able to respect her after last night? After she had been so selfish, taken advantage of his consideration? After she had dared such a needy and desperate plea for comfort?

Or would he think less of her now that he had seen how broken she truly was; now that he had witnessed her at her weakest?

Kagome sighed and curled up. She wanted to fall back to sleep, sink back into that blissful oblivion, but she was too awake to drift off again.

"Are you not getting up?" Sesshoumaru spoke from behind her, in the hushed voice often used in the morning.

"I'm feeling lazy," she replied as she stretched. "Though I suppose I should get up soon, I'm getting rather hungry."

A moment later Akie-san slid the door open and knelt in the doorway, bowing to them. Kagome guessed Sesshoumaru had dropped the barrier and flared his youki.

"Is the breakfast ready?" he asked.

"Yes, my lord. I will send word to the kitchen right away."

"Thank you, Akie-san."

Kagome sat up on the futon when the maid servant came in with the breakfast tray.

"Thank you," Kagome said, managing to flash a small smile as she set the tray down next to the futon.

The maid inclined her head and then left the room.

Kagome picked the bowl of miso soup. Though she felt better than she had the day before, she still didn't have that much appetite… But she knew she needed to eat, and miso soup and rice were light enough.

She turned to Sesshoumaru. "Did you want any?"

He scooted over and reached for the bowl of rice, getting himself a generous helping. For a while they sat in silence and ate, but finally Sesshoumaru cleared his throat.

"I want you to know that I am here and willing to listen when you feel ready to talk."

Kagome lowered her chopsticks.

"Talk about what?"

"Anything. Everything." Sesshoumaru shrugged, and after a moment of hesitation, added "…him."

Cold squeezed Kagome's throat. Her heart skipped a beat, raw and bleeding.

She wasn't sure if she could, if she dared to face the grief and loss and yet – a part of her wanted to talk, needed to tell someone how much he had meant to her.

She wanted to tell about all those little things, the irritating and endearing habits, the way he had smiled, how his eyes had sparked, the sound of his laughter… And how much she dreaded that she would come to forget these details, that time would steal the vibrant colours of her memories.

But the words didn't come.

Instead, in a small, trembling voice came the simple admission.

"I miss him."

"Yes," Sesshoumaru said. He looked at her, his golden gaze grave. "I never believed that I would, but I miss him too." A rueful grimace touched his lips. "There was a time I thought I would send him to the afterlife myself. But he changed in these past five years. He was better with you. If we had more time, then perhaps…"

"Why?" Kagome asked, unable to contain her curiosity. "I have a younger brother, too, so I know about the rivalry and the squabbles and how much they can get on your nerves. But I never could understand why you were so hostile to him. Was it because he was a reminder of how your father was unfaithful to Lady Mother? Or was it because he was a hanyou?"

Sesshoumaru was silent for a while, looking down at the floor.

"My resentment of Inuyasha did not originate because of his blood," he said carefully, weighing each word. "It began with his mother."

Kagome frowned.

"How is that any different?"

Sesshoumaru sighed.

"Because my father cast aside everything to save her and it cost him his life. It brought war to his clan. And while I might understood his reasons better now, I still find it hard to accept."

"You lost your father because of her," she stated softly.

"Izayoi was a good woman. She was noble and kind and demure – the perfect wife… for a human general." Sesshoumaru's hands balled into fists. "I am not saying she was meek – she had her own strength, a quiet dignity that survived even when her own people shunned her for giving birth to a youkai's child. She was brave."

"But?" Kagome prodded.

"She endured the position she was in, but she never questioned it. She never fought against it, or the people who put her there. And as you may have realised, we inu do not expect our females to be subservient."

"I've noticed."

"You have met my mother," Sesshoumaru continued dryly. "She is a fine lady, all poise and elegance. And at the same time, she loves the politics and is fully comfortable being the acting head of one of the biggest inu clans in the Western region. Underneath all that finery, my mother has claws."

"And Izayoi didn't," Kagome said, taking a breath. "You think she was not worthy of your father."

Sesshoumaru looked down, his jaw clenching.

"No," he finally admitted. "She was not."