Hello, my fellow Zootopians!

And yet another chapter done - the infamous thirteenth! (13 actually is sort of a lucky number for me. A lot of good things happened to me on the thirteenth day of months.) When will the fun ever stop?

Quick stats update: Reviews stand at 80, views at about 10,000, favorites at 50 and alerts at 92. Will this insanity ever end?

Thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing. Special thanks go out to LucarioJV, Bukoya, Chaos-Wolfy and hpalex13 for their reviews!

I don't feel much like explaining things - I have quite the busy schedule at the moment, so let's just get crackin'!

If I sell all my belongings, will it be enough for me to buy Zootopia? I don't think so!

Chapter Thirteen

Painful Explanations

Mama, ohh! Didn't mean to make you cry! If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.

Queen: "Bohemian Rhapsody" (Written by Freddie Mercury, from the album "A Night at the Opera," EMI/Elektra, 1975)

Of course Judy embarked on her new mission immediately, and she went at it with full steam: Make Nick Wilde remember me.

As Judy found out the hard way, however, wanting someone to remember is the easy part.

Making someone remember - ay, there's the rub!

No matter what she tried, no matter what she told Nick, nothing would stir his buried memories.

Sure, he remembered tiny bits and pieces. His knowledge of police procedures and teaching from his time at the Academy was almost intact, surprisingly enough. Yet at the same time, he completely failed to recognize any of their co-workers. The events which had led to him wanting to become a police officer were, for the moment at least, irretrievable.

It was as if the last five years of personal life never happened.

Which had a lot of rather unpleasant repercussions.

Sure, he treated Judy nicely enough, but towards everybody else, he was strangely indifferent. Even worse, he had made a full return to the mannerisms of his days as a hustler, the sarcastic remark, the smirk indicating mischievousness, the patronizing tone. He still seemed to think that everybody was out there to get to him. His mindset was that of somebody who was forced to fight the whole world, who had resigned to this fate, and who had then begun to treat the world at large, the world in which a shifty, untrustworthy fox had no place, with utter contempt.

It was fortunate for everyone involved that nobody held it against him, because at some point it pretty much seemed as if it was his lifetime ambition to thoroughly antagonize everybody who was involved with him, everybody who had meant something to him at some point, with the sole exception of Judy, whom he seemed to spare. Although this was probably more due to her than to him. He used every demeaning nickname for rabbits in existence, (and some he had probably invented himself), but Judy had gotten used to this over the years - she even sort of liked it. She would give everybody a thorough facial makeover who called her Carrots, which in its essence was little more than a speciesist slur against rabbits. Everybody except Nick. He was the only one who was allowed to call her Carrots. So no matter what he would try, nothing would be able to antagonize Judy.

The only thing that really antagonized her was the way he treated his own mother. Judy had the impression that if he was allowed to leave his room, he would have actively avoided her.

Strangely, however, this did not deter Vivian Wilde at all. She still visited him every day, she was always smiling, always supportive. Judy was able to see the similarities between her and Nick - the pre-amnesia Nick - with ease. Listening to her was like listening to Nick tell her stories from his dark past - matter-of-factly, truthful, always with a hint of a smile.

Three days into her mission (it sort of amused Judy that she was thinking of it like this), progress was virtually non-existent, but not for lack of trying. Combined trying, because Vivian and Judy had spent three straight hours talking to Nick, trying to jog his memory. With no success whatsoever. Judy was tired, and guessing by the way her shoulders sagged, so was Vivian.

Judy looked at her wristwatch. 4:35 pm. Looking at Vivian, she made a quick decision.

"Okay, Nick, you really don't want to talk about it?" Vivian and herself had tried to get him to talk about some of the hustles he had performed with Finnick. And Nick had persistently shot down every attempt. It was as if he was unwilling to talk about his shady past in front of a police officer.

He heaved a sigh. "Finally, Fluff-Butt! I didn't think you'd get the message."

For a fleeting second, Judy felt annoyance creep into her thoughts, but she quickly quelled it. "Fine. We'll be back tomorrow."

He made a face. "Do you really think it's necessary?"

"I do." She looked at Vivian. "You look like you could use a good cup of coffee."

Vivian looked at her in surprise, but she nodded. "I think I do, yes."

"I think the cafeteria's still serving."

Vivian climbed down from her chair, as did Judy. Saying their farewells to Nick, who just waved dismissively, they left the room to remain standing in front of the door.

Vivian looked at the door. "That's not my Nicky." She sighed. "It's as if I'm talking to a total stranger."

"Well, you haven't seen each other for more than twenty years."

"But we made up for this by talking for days. Days he doesn't remember."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

Vivian nodded slowly. "You were serious about that coffee?"

"Sort of. I'm not allowed to go to the cafeteria yet. The doctor thinks I might still be exuding viruses."

"Is this disease of yours really that dangerous?"

"Oh, you can bet it is. It killed millions of bunnies. It almost killed me."

"Millions?"

"The last epidemic wiped out 147 millions in Bunnyburrow alone."

"Goodness gracious me! I think I understand why the doctor would want you to stay in your room."

"I do. But it tends to get annoying. Not to mention boring."

"That's why you are most happy to help me jog Nick's memory, to be able to leave your room."

"No. I just want my friend back."

"And I want my son back.

"Which makes us partners, right?"

Vivian gave her twinkling laughter. It sounded like a full set of bells chiming. "It does. Well, partner, let's head to where the coffee is."

"Uh, Vivian, I don't think I should …"

"Nonsense." Vivian gave her a wink. "You can always say I took you hostage."

Fortunately, nobody stepped up to stop them going to the cafeteria. The spacious room was almost empty, which made it easy for Judy to balance two cups of coffee when returning to the fox-sized table near the back.

"Thank you, dear," Vivian said while taking her cup. "I didn't think rabbits drank coffee."

Judy jumped into the other chair. "Oh, it's decaf. Too much caffeine can kill a rabbit."

"My, you are quite delicate creatures."

Judy had to grin at that. "Well, out heart rate's off the charts and our digestive system a bit sensitive, but apart from that I'd like to think that rabbits are just as sturdy as foxes are."

Vivian gave a sigh. "Unfortunately, foxes aren't all that sturdy. Rabies, mange mite, toxocariasis, just to name a few problems."

Judy hesitated, but then she shrugged. "I don't know if I'm intrusive here, but you're ill, right?"

Vivian made a dismissive gesture. "It's only cancer."

Judy gasped. "Only cancer?"

Vivian continued as if Judy hadn't spoken at all. "So it's not contagious." She shrugged. "It's merely killing me."

Judy couldn't believe the casual way in which Vivian talked about her own death. "It's … killing you?"

"Yes. My doctor said I have three months to live, tops." She took a sip from her coffee, then added matter-of-factly: "That was seven months ago."

"That's awful!" Judy blurted out, trying her hardest to collect herself. "I'm so sorry!"

Vivian smiled. "There's no need to be sorry for me, Judy. Twelve years ago, they first diagnosed me with renal cancer. I've had surgery and extensive treatment, but the cancer just kept coming back. Second time, it was stomach cancer. Third time, colon cancer. And after I had fought down that one, they finally found a brain tumor, sitting around here." She pointed at her forehead, above her right eye. "It's the kind of tumor that barely shows up on the MRI, so surgery is out of the question. Chemotherapy doesn't work either, and radiation therapy yielded little to no results so far. That was the point when I realized that I couldn't survive this, not in the long run. This was more than four years ago. So I've had four years to come to terms with the fact that my days are numbered. As a matter of fact, it's a miracle I'm still alive. Most mammals who suffer from that tumor die within two years."

"Does he know?" Judy asked soundlessly.

Vivian shrugged. "The old Nick knew. This Nick here … doesn't." She gave a harrumph. "And I don't think he cares. I rather think he prefers me being gone for good."

Judy didn't bother hiding her shock. "How can you say that?"

"Because it's the truth, and you know it." When Judy opened her mouth, she quickly added: "Don't try to pretend it isn't true - you've seen it for yourself. All he cares about right now is putting as much space between him and me as possible. Just as it has been for twenty years."

Judy shook her head. "What happened? Was it this awful?"

"He never told you?"

Judy managed a weak smile, hidden by the surgical mask she was still forced to wear. "No, he never talked about you. He always avoided talking about his past, or show me parts of it. This is why we never met before." Her smile vanished. "But I don't know why." She had a sudden realization. "Come to think of it, I know next to nothing about him."

"That's because he's deeply ashamed."

"He is?"

"Yes. You probably know that his past isn't exactly a Norman-Pigwell-painting."

"I do. He told me about the incident with the Junior Ranger Scouts."

"He did? Well, you should be proud, dear. If he trusts you enough to tell you this, he must really like you."

"I like to think that he does. Well, the old Nick, at least."

"That's his most painful memory, and also the point where we drifted apart."

Judy took a deep breath. It sounded like an awful story, and she wasn't sure if she was prepared to hear it, but she plunged ahead regardless. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"That depends. Do you want to hear it?"

Judy nodded quickly, before her guts failed her.

Vivian took another sip of her coffee. "Well, it really starts when I was in high school. My dad worked in construction, and he had this co-worker who totally swept me away. I was merely 16 back then, totally green, he was much older, 28 in fact, and he was gorgeous. Tall, for a red fox, that is, slender, great looks, and a witty, charming personality. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was pregnant. That put an end to my plans of becoming a nurse. Our parents forced us into marriage, so I became Mrs. Jason Wilde. Nick was born, and I couldn't have been happier.

"However, I quickly found out that Jason was far from being the perfect husband. He was fine most of the time, but he liked his liquor, and the older he became, the more he drank. When he was sober, he was the best husband and father you could wish for, but when he was drunk … Just ask Nick to show him the scars on his back."

"Scars?" Judy asked. "I saw him bare-chested several times; there were no scars."

"You saw him topless?"

Judy shrugged. "We went swimming. He was wearing swimming trunks, I was wearing a bikini."

"Ah. Well, his fur usually does a good job hiding them, but Nick has five sizeable scars on his upper back. Or was it seven? Eight? A lot, in any case. He cannot have been much older than five or so, when he did something really stupid. I don't even remember what it was, just some silly kids stuff. What I do remember is that we had to pay for the repairs, and I also remember that my husband was as drunk as a skunk - which probably is an insult to skunks, come to think of it. Anyway, he wanted to take Nick to task for what he had done. Nick has always been stubborn, so a shouting match ensued, until Jason lunged out and struck Nick down with a slap to the face. And while Nick was down on the ground, my husband proceeded to pull the belt out of his trousers." Vivian made a pause. "I think you can imagine the rest. Nick needed a lot, and I mean a lot of stitches for the cuts on his back. He had to sleep on his stomach for weeks. From this day forth, Nick was mortally afraid of my husband, so he didn't dare doing anything even remotely shady.

"This went on for some eight months, I think. Until that fateful day when my husband beat me up." She rolled up the sleeve on her right arm. Judy noticed again how thin she was. On Vivian's upper arm, a long scar was barely hidden by her thin, wispy fur. "Again, I don't really remember the reason, but I do remember coming to in hospital. The police told me later that they had found Jason passed out on the couch, and Nick was cowering next to me, weeping his eyes out. After my husband had fallen into his drunken stupor, Nick had seized the opportunity to call both the ambulance and the police. My husband was arrested, and I was brought to hospital. My upper arm was broken, as well as four ribs. That's when I finally filed for divorce. I should have done it much earlier, but we all make mistakes. Fact is, when I returned home, my husband was gone."

"Completely?"

"Yes, completely. He realized what he had done, and he was deeply ashamed, so he never tried anything stupid. But he just couldn't stop drinking. Three years later, he caused a construction accident where he injured himself and four co-workers. The medics found a blood alcohol content of more than 0.2, so he was fired immediately, and the judge forced him to pay damages for pain and suffering. He couldn't afford those, so he knew no other alternative than to commit suicide."

Judy closed her eyes. She had always known that Nick had had a horrible childhood, but she could never have imagined it being that bad.

Vivian continued: "Anyway, with my husband gone, I suddenly needed money. And nobody was waiting for a 24-year-old single mother without a high school diploma or qualifications to her name. In other words, respectable jobs were virtually non-existent, and even not-so-respectable ones were scarce. In the end, I started working as a server in a night club."

"A night club?"

Vivian gave her a grin. "Yes. Most mammals may hold foxes in low esteem, yet they love looking at a sexy vixen in skimpy clothing."

"This is so cynical," Judy whispered.

Vivian shrugged. "Yet it's so true. It actually wasn't that bad. It paid the bills, and all I had to do was serve drinks and listen to inebriated idiots trying to put the moves on me. And since our bouncers were a sharp bunch, I never had anything to fear. I was working at night, and I got home just before Nick had to get up to go to school. While he was at school, I would sleep, and when he came back, lunch was ready. He did his homework while I did the chores, then he went to bed and I went to the club. That was how our life was like. There were days when my work sucked, a lot of them, but there was always Nicky. He would always shine a little light into my life."

She took a deep breath. "And then some bigot assholes who had the audacity to wear their prejudices on their sleeves and still call themselves Junior Ranger Scouts, they put out that light.

"Nick wasn't the same when he returned home that night. He refused to talk about it, and over the course of the next few weeks, he retreated into his shell completely. He had always been a good student, but suddenly his grades took a nosedive. He hardly talked to me anymore. He was still living with me, yet he was long gone.

"And one day, he was gone, literally this time. It actually was the day before he turned twelve. I still remember it was Friday, and I was looking forward to spending time with him on our weekend, celebrating his birthday. But on that fateful day, he didn't come home from school. I called the school, and they told me he hadn't been there for half a year."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me. He hadn't gone to school for half a year, without telling me. Of course, the school had tried to inform me, but Nick had intercepted all letters from school and burned them, and he had started taking all phone calls, telling the school I wasn't there and would call back. Which I never did because he never told me. And before you accuse me of negligence, I really had no idea. Nick played it perfectly. Every day, he pretended to do homework when he had in fact started his first sojourns into hustling and scamming. And on that fateful Friday in February 1996 he decided he had made enough money to leave me for good.

"I called the police, I called friends, co-workers, I asked customers in the night club, I even called the old co-workers of my ex-husband, and asked them to be on the lookout for Nick, but it was as if earth itself had opened up and swallowed him whole. After one year, the police closed the case, and that was it. For twenty years, he was as good as dead. Most of the time, I thought he really was, a victim of some hideous crime. I could never have imagined that he would have wanted to disappear."

"When did you find out he was alive?"

"After you solved the Missing Mammals case, of course."

She leaned back in her chair and smiled. "There I was, doing some ironing, watching TV, when they showed a press conference. I saw you talking yourself into trouble." Judy lowered her head in shame, but Vivian simply continued: "And there, in the background, a red fox. And I knew instantly that it was him. My Nicky. He wasn't introduced that day, as you may remember, but I knew it was him. Mothers know these things."

"But you didn't try to contact him."

"No, I didn't. How could I? I had no phone number, no address, and when I called the police, they told me they had nothing on him and couldn't tell me. They simply didn't realize that the Nicholas Wilde who had helped you was the same boy who had vanished two decades ago. Nobody realized it but me. But it didn't help me at all. On top of that, Nick had left me, not the other way round, so I had to operate under the assumption that he wanted to have nothing to do with me, that he wasn't willing to ever return to me. Much as I hated it, I couldn't do anything.

"In the end, it was Nick who sought contact, not me. Two years ago, he stood in my front door, wearing his uniform, carrying a huge bouquet of flowers, with tears in his eyes, simply saying: 'I'm sorry, mom.'"

Vivian wiped away a tear which had been rolling down her cheek, and Judy found to her dismay that her surgical mask was soaked with her own tears. Stupid emotional bunny!

Vivian continued: "For one week, he paid me a visit every day, giving me an thorough account of what he had done and why he had done it. And he asked for forgiveness. Which I gave him immediately. I already knew I was dying back then, and I want to leave this place at peace with myself and the world. He actually was the last piece missing. When I die, I die a content old girl."

"Why did he do it?"

"You mean, why did he leave, and why did he wait so long with coming back to me? Well, he left because he saw no future in trying to live a respectable life. In his opinion, the world was looking down at foxes with contempt, considering all of them as shifty and untrustworthy. So why try to be anything else?"

She emptied her cup. Judy hadn't even touched hers. "And as far as the waiting is concerned, well, Nick told me you had an accident some two years ago, right? A broken paw, if memory serves me right here."

Judy nodded. "And a concussion. A fleeing rhino had run me over. Could have been much worse."

Vivian grinned. "It obviously was your lucky rabbit's paw. Anyway, you were in hospital, and Zachary Pawson was responsible for surgery."

"You know Dr. Pawson?"

"Dear, when you spend most of your free time in hospital, you can't help but ending up on friendly terms with the mammals that work there. Zachary and I are on first-name terms."

"I see."

"Of course he met Nick during that time, seeing that Nick spent most of his free time here to pay you a visit, and Zachary told him that I was still alive and waiting for him to return to me. Which obviously came as a surprise to Nick. He had thought that I wanted to have nothing to do with him anymore, not after he had broken my heart twenty years earlier."

"How could he have thought so? You're his mother!"

"Judy, when you spend most of your life among mammals who can't stand the sight of you, you tend to develop a really cynical approach to other people's attitude towards you. Nick's very pessimistic, and he usually expects the worst to happen to him. The thought that I would ever be willing to forgive him hadn't even occurred to him."

"So Pawson told him you had cancer and …"

"Oh, Nick was very well aware of my condition."

"He was? I thought you'd told me …"

Vivian gave her a smile. "I did, but that's the strange part in all of this. Several years ago, he met a friend of mine by chance, a former workmate of mine who recognized him and told him that I was suffering from cancer. Nick asked him never to tell me that he found him. And then he started paying me back."

"How?"

"He wrote an official looking letter to me saying that I had won in a lottery, a monthly pension of 10,000 dollars. Strange, I thought back then, I have never played in a lottery in my life. But the letter seemed genuine, and after the first installment arrived, I stopped asking questions. Since that day, some ten years ago, I have received 10,000 dollars every month, without fail, without strings attached."

"And you never asked where this money came from?"

"I did at first, but I so needed the money. I had been able to lay aside some of the money I earned, but I had no health insurance, so with having to spend insane amounts of money on treatment, I was quickly facing bankruptcy. The money Nick sent me made sure I survived. He is the reason I'm still around. It wasn't enough in the long run, yet his gift gave me a few more precious years.

"And two years ago, when he had established himself as a police officer, having been promoted to Detective, and after Zachary had been able to convince him, he finally managed to overcome his feeling of guilt enough to go and visit me. We reconciled, and that basically is the end of the story."

"But he doesn't remember."

"Yeah, that's the problem. Not for me, I've already made my peace, but for him. That's why I'm pushing so hard for him to regain his memories. I want to still be alive when he comes around, and as you know, every day could be my last."

Judy leaned back. "I am so sorry for you."

Vivian grinned. "No need. I'm fine. Like I said, I have made my peace, and they have given me so much morphine that I hardly feel any pain. I'm more concerned about you."

"Me?"

"Yes. I can see in your eyes that you care for him deeply."

Judy lowered her head instinctively, as if trying to hide said eyes from the vixen. "I do," she whispered.

"And he cares for you. You are the one mammal that means the most to him. Not me, not any of his old friends and colleagues, not one of his current colleagues. You are the one that brought him out of the mess his life had been, and showed him a better future. He has the feeling he owes you his life, and it has dictated his every action ever since. The bullet he took for you was no coincidence. He would die for you, and he would die a content fox, knowing he was finally able to pay you back."

Judy felt fresh tears rolling down her cheeks, further wetting her fur and the stupid surgical mask. "I'm not that important. He did help me, he believed in me when no one else did."

"To him, you are that important. You trusted him when hardly anybody else was willing to do it. And he is that important to you. That's why you are such a great match."

Judy looked up again. Vivian looked at her, her haggard face the picture of pure compassion. "He is the right mammal for you. He loves you with all of his heart, and unless I'm very much mistaken, you love him as well, right?"

"I do," Judy whispered.

"And that's why we need to bring his memories back. The two of you, you belong together, rules and regulations be damned! Life is too short to spend it on wishful thinking, on pondering on the has-beens and what-ifs. Life is what you make of it. So grab it by the horns, fight for it, and make this fox yours! Please, promise this to me! Promise me that you will try your utmost to make my Nicky happy!" Vivian brought her paw up and placed it on Judy's arm.

Judy took a deep breath and put her other paw on Vivian's. "If he lets me, I will. And that's a promise."

I had imagined this chapter to be easier to write. Took me longer than I thought!

Just so you know, when taking the dates for birthdays I used in this story, the day Nick disappeared had to be February 2, 1996, which was indeed a Friday.

This chapter actually is the main reason why this round of proofreading and editing was so dear to me. It underwent some subtle changes which will be very important in "Hammer to Fall."

Thanks for reading, and please, let me know what you think of this!

Take care!

J.O. aka TheCatweazle