AN: Okay, this shit's intense.
Annabeth, Camp, Half-Blood Hill, two days after "Commander"
It's almost two a.m. when Ethan Nakamura and Chris Rodriguez walk up the hill and take over watch for me and Sarah, one of my siblings. I stay and talk with them for a while before heading back to my cabin; Sarah goes on ahead.
"How is he?" I ask Ethan.
He shrugs. "He's doing alright. We saw his light turn off while we were walking up, so hopefully he'll get some sleep. Luke's getting worried, but Luke's always worried about Akai, 'specially after Kaelyn."
I nod. "How did he react to that?" I ask, concerned but curious.
Percy's never reacted well to the deaths of his friends; well, no one would. But Percy always seems to find a way to blame himself; that's entirely because of his fatal flaw- loyalty. Knowing him, he'll have blamed both the boy's betrayal and the girl's suicide on his own inability to protect them.
"About as well as can be expected. He did what he had to do, of course. He convinced Chaos not to bring her back, spoke at her memorial, lit the funeral pyre, whatever. But he and Chaos and Leiko spent a lot of time together in the weeks and months after. No one really knows how they grieved, but they did it together, which is what she would've wanted. I know it really tore him up inside. All the Heralds were really close."
That kills me. How could anyone who knows Percy ever betray him like that? If they were so close, why would Aaron just abandon them? Percy's always been like a brother to everyone he meets. He protected Grover from bullies at Yancy and from Polyphemus in the Sea of Monsters. When I went missing after we found Nico and Bianca, he came and saved me, then took on the sky to protect his friends. Ever since he came to Camp Half-Blood, he's been like a brother to the demigods here. At first, he was the annoying kid brother who somehow got himself into more trouble than anyone else. Later, after the Second Titan War, he became a hero and a protective older brother to everyone. On the Argo II, he was always laughing and making sure everyone was still looking on the bright side. He takes care of people; it's just who he is.
But at this point, Percy can hardly take care of himself. Luke has to remind him to eat, he refuses to sleep, and he works himself and everyone else until we're all ready to drop from exhaustion. If he doesn't sleep tonight, it'll be the fifth night in a row. He's making plans to leave for a quest, I know that much, but he hasn't told anyone what the quest is yet. I asked him about it and he said he was "still working out the kinks" and gave me a half-hearted smile. Luke knows what it is, and I saw Percy and Luke talking with Nico in hushed tones. Nico didn't seem to like what they were saying, but nodded at the end, said something, and shadow travelled away.
"What's Leiko like?" Chris asks.
Ethan sighs heavily. "Uh, don't tell Akai what I'm gonna say. Leiko is an adorable little nightmare. That girl could watch Lilo and Stitch for days, or she could scream bloody murder for hours. And that is not an exaggeration. Some days she'll be a cute, normal little nine-year-old, and some days she turns into a fucking monster. She breaks things and screams and then just stares into space like she's paralyzed. She once ran and hid in Chaos' office for hours because someone accidentally dropped a spoon in the mess hall. She didn't make eye contact or speak to anyone other than Akai or Chaos for weeks after that. She's crazy."
"She is cute, though. She looks so much like him that they could actually be brother and sister. Apparently, when he tried to introduce himself to her in Honolulu, she already had a name picked out for him. Akai. She seemed to know who he was, the instant they crossed paths. And she trusts him more than anyone else. Luke found them in Akai's room one day, sleeping on the couch together, the both of them smiling peacefully in their sleep. There's a picture. Chaos has this picture on his desk, of all five Heralds, and Leiko's sitting on top of Percy's shoulders and Kaelyn's got her arms around Chaos and Aaron, and they look like a family. Leiko sometimes sits and stares at that picture for hours," he finishes softly. "She's a paradox. She's the only thing keeping Akai going, and she's slowly tearing him apart."
We stand in silence for a little, watching the horizon for any sign of enemies lurking.
"Go get some sleep, Annabeth," Chris says. "He'll be okay, in the end. He's always okay."
"Right," I say. I turn to walk away. "Thanks, Chris, Ethan. See you guys later."
"Bye," they call after me.
I walk down the hill, absorbed in my own thoughts. I barely have time to get out of the way before a shadow blurs past me and into the boys' bathroom. I look towards the direction the shape came from, a single tent in the midst of the soldiers' tents, opening still pulled back after being flung aside in the shadow's haste. It doesn't take a child of Athena to know that that's Percy's tent.
I take a deep breath and follow him into the bathroom. The lights above the sinks glow with florescence and one flickers sporadically. The rest of the lights in the combined bathroom/shower room are off. From some hidden corner, I hear vomiting.
"Percy?" I ask quietly.
I take a few more steps into the bathroom and round the corner. Under the door of a bathroom stall, I can see the bottoms of Percy's bare feet poking out. Army-green cotton pajamas that have seen better days are not much cushion for the legs sprawled out on the cold tile floor. Percy groans and moves, pulling himself up onto his knees before retching violently into the toilet. I get closer and peek around the door. He's not wearing a shirt or his hood. The tattoo on his back stands out against his tanned skin under florescent light. The symbolism isn't lost on me. He carries the weight of the entire Universe on his back. If I didn't know better, I'd say the tattoo was a birthmark, a sign of his destiny.
He shudders and retches again, but with what little he's eaten in these past few days, there's nothing but bile left in his stomach. I watch, unable to do anything, until that's gone too and he's left dry heaving into the toilet.
"Percy?" I move forward and put a hand on his bare shoulder. His skin is hot and slick with sweat, like he has a fever. Despite his apparent temperature, he shivers when my hand comes into contact with his skin. He shrugs off my hand and turns his body away from me.
"Get the fuck out of here," he growls.
"Percy, you're sick. I can help you."
"You can't fucking help me. Just get out!"
"I'm not leaving you. I can help."
"You can't. Get out of here; leave me alone. You can't help me and I don't want you to. I want you to just go away!" His grip on the toilet tightens and I avoid looking at the contents of his stomach that swirl around in the bowl.
"Look, I know you're scared but-"
He whips around and faces me. His face contorts into a mask of vicious suffering. "You know nothing."
"Then tell me. What's wrong with you? What was the nightmare about?" I have to get through to him. I can't just leave him like this. Despite our break-up, I do love him and I care about him. I certainly don't want to see him like this.
He reaches up and flushes the toilet, not saying a word.
"Percy," I say with more force. "Tell me what's wrong."
"It's just a nightmare; I deal with this all the time. Go back to bed and leave me the fuck alone," he says tiredly.
"It's not healthy to keep it all bottled up. I won't tell anyone about this, but you need to tell me what's bothering you this much. Look, you're a mess. You never get sick." In all my years knowing him, I've never once seen him look this ill. His face is haggard and pale and covered in a thin layer of sweat. His eyes are guarded and haunted, and the bags under them are a dark gray, almost black. His shaggy hair is messed up, like he just stepped out of a tornado. His lips are pulled into a tight, wry smile.
"Of course I'm a mess. And I don't need to tell you anything."
"Well, I'm not leaving here until you do."
"Don't be stubborn. Just go away."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes, Annabeth! I want you to leave! I don't want you to see me like this; I don't want you to try and help; I want to be left alone!" He groans and puts his head in his hands, his fight seemingly gone. He slumps against the wall of the bathroom stall. "Just go away, please." His voice cracks.
"Oh, Percy." I sink to my knees on the cold tile floor and pull him into a hug. "I'm so sorry I ever left you. I should've listened; we could've done this together. Together, like we promised."
"No, Annabeth," he pushes me away gently but forcefully. "I don't want you wrapped up in my craziness. I don't want you to see me like this, Wise Girl. Why is that so hard for you to understand? You left once; why can't you just leave now!? Please go."
"I'm not going to leave you again," I say. I pull him back into the hug and this time, he doesn't resist. I wrap my arms around him and he pulls me close, wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his head into my shoulder. I start rubbing his back in little circles. I can't help but think of the times when he did this same thing for me whenever I was sick. He'd sing softly to me and bring me soup and half-burnt grilled cheese sandwiches.
A cry escapes his lips and before I know it, he's sobbing, soaking my shoulder with tears. "I just want to sleep," he says in a faint, broken voice.
"Shh, it's okay, it's okay." But it's not okay. It is very far from okay. "What was the dream about, Percy?" I ask once the crying has died down significantly.
"K-Kaelyn," he pulls away slightly and replies. "She-she was holding that stupid jar, threatening to smash it if I- if I couldn't help her. If I couldn't stop the nightmares, get Aaron back, keep the family together. But- I tried- but I couldn't and she threw it to the ground and it shattered and-and I fucking failed everyone. Everyone I ever cared about, I failed them. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so so so so so sorry. Fuck, it was all my fault and now she's gone and Aaron's gone and Leiko- gods!" He sobs and starts hyperventilating. He coughs and tries to catch his breath, but he can't. He clutches at his heart and shuts his eyes tight. He bends over, puts his head between his knees and tries to breathe. He keeps repeating "I'm sorry" desperately to himself and it's like I'm not even there anymore.
I rub his back and try to help, but I don't know what else to do. I've never dealt with a panic attack this severe before.
"Percy, calm down. Nothing is your fault. Calm down and try to breathe. Deep breaths, in and out. It's all okay." He couldn't have been asleep for more than half an hour between the time Ethan saw him turn out his light and I found him. How did it end up like this? "Come on, Percy, let's get you to bed; you need to sleep."
"No!" he cries. "No, I won't sleep! I can't!"
"Percy," I say softly, still rubbing his back, "you need to. Your body needs time to rest. You can't go without sleep for very long."
"Watch me," he spits. He gets up, shakily.
"Percy, wait!"
But he's gone, off to who knows where. I should follow him, but I can't.
AN: Sorry.