I flipped the pen back and forth between my fingers and stared at the blank piece of paper. I studied the light blue color, which was a direct match to the stationary box it came in. My finger ran across the blank canvas. I liked the texture of the paper. It was almost a woven feel. Not smooth like notebook paper. There was no doubt this stationary was meant for elegant letter writing. It was meant to soak up the ink of an expensive pen. I shook my head in slight disappointment. I wanted to compose something, but I didn't know who to write to first, or what to say. I closed my eyes and tried to choose. Eventually, I put the pen to the paper and decided to address it to the first person to come to mind.
Dear Sodapop and Darry,
I stared at the names I had written and thought about how the other Ashford girls probably addressed their letters to, Mom and Dad. I thought about how Sodapop and Darry were my synonyms for, Mom and Dad. I sat back against my pillows and tried to imagine what life would have been like if my mom and dad had still been alive when I received the letter to Ashford Academy. Undoubtedly, my mom would have gushed to all the ladies that she knew, and some she didn't. She was proud of her children and she wasn't shy in sharing good news.
Memories of the day she learned I was advancing a grade returned to my mind. I remembered walking into the grocery store and she couldn't wipe the smile from her face. In aisle one, a friendly clerk routinely asked, "How do you do, madam."
"Just fine," Mom spoke with joy, "we are having a wonderful day."
"Is that so?" The clerk inquired further as he stocked the soup cans.
Mom's smile grew and she pointed in my direction. "My little girl just received notice that she is skipping forward a grade. Everyone in the family is so proud of her. She is such a smart girl."
"That's wonderful news!" The clerk appeased my mom's delight. He looked to me. "Congratulations, Dear!"
I remember her telling that news to at least a dozen people in the store that day. I imagine she would have done the same thing when Ashford came calling. I was sure my parents would have celebrated my entrance to such a prestigious school. I closed my eyes and pulled up an image of the two of them. One looked mostly like Soda and the other was nearly a twin to Darry. Sadly, those two brothers were my parents now, and life was hard for them because of it. Life was hard for them because of me.
My eyes opened and I looked up to the stark white curtain that outlined my personal space. How would I tell them that this was my room, that I was alone, that I was miserable? My focus returned to the textured page and I made my decision. For now, I wouldn't. I put the pen to the paper and embellished the truth.
I hope you are both doing well. I miss you both terribly. Sodapop, when you see Darry next, tell him that I pray for him all the time and I can't wait for the day I hear he is awake and well. Tell him, I wish I could be there with him. I wish I could be there holding his hand the way he held mine whenever I needed him. Also, tell him that I am doing great! I am settling in to Ashford just fine. I have a nice room right now that is all my own. In a few weeks I'll probably get a roommate. I hope she is nice.
I see the nurses here a lot. They are making sure that I am feeling well and healing from my injuries. Meals aren't too bad either. This morning I got to eat my breakfast in bed. Today I got my schedule of classes and schoolbooks. The work looks easy so I think I am going to do well here.
I hope you and Two-Bit are making good roommates. I keep thinking about the two of you spending your days listening to the radio too loud, cooking meals that no one can identify and having some wicked pillow fights. Go easy on him if you do, and don't forget to keep the house clean. I know how messy Two-Bit can get. In fact, I bet his mom is happy to have him out of the house.
I saw Casey going to our house when I was driving away. I hope the two of you didn't fight. I hate to think that you had to deal with her on top of everything else that has gone wrong. That wouldn't be fair to you. You have plenty to deal with. I bet Steve took care of her for you. I know I probably have never said this, but he is really a great friend for you. You can tell him I said that, and you can tell him I miss him too.
I better get to
my studies. Don't worry about me. Things are great here. I look
forward to hearing from you. Write soon.
Love and miss you both, your sister,
Scout
I reread the letter a few times to be sure that it sounded happy. I knew Sodapop would worry too much if he knew I was unhappy. I didn't want him to be worrying about me. He had enough to keep him busy there in Tulsa. I also didn't think I would be good for Darry to hear I was miserable. Information like that would be sure to slow his recovery. I couldn't have that because I wanted out of Ashford as soon as possible.
Satisfied with my first letter home, I folded the light blue sheet of paper, stuffed it inside the addressed envelope, and licked it shut. I stuffed the letter back into the stationary box, underneath the extra sheets of paper. I sure didn't want Nurse Kelly to know that I had written and stamped a letter. I worried she might take the letter from me before I had a chance to figure out how to mail it.
To be sure I was safe from getting caught I hopped out of bed and peeked around the corner of my curtain. I could see Nurse Kelly working at her desk on the far side of the infirmary. I new I had my privacy, so I scurried back to my bed, pulled out another sheet of stationary and began to write.
Dear Ponyboy,
I hope everything at Barrington Home is going well for you. I miss you and I hate being apart.
Ashford Academy looks just like I had imagined it would be, but I haven't seen anything more than the infirmary. When I got here the school had me enter through the backdoor of the main building and go straight to my bed in the infirmary. Until my bruises clear up I am not allowed to leave my hospital bed. Truthfully, I'm miserable, how about you?
I just wrote a letter to Darry and Sodapop, but I didn't tell them how things really are here. I told them I am really happy. I don't want Soda to worry. So don't tell him anything about what I tell you. Okay?
So far, Ashford is terrible. The food they serve me is horrible and I am alone all day long. I have to spend most of my time in bed, but the view from my window is pretty good. Off in the distance I can see a line of trees and railroad tracks. At night when it is really quiet I can hear the train moving through the countryside. I asked the nurse here what line it is. She said she didn't know, but she was sure the train went through Oklahoma City and then on to Tulsa. I spent last evening dreaming about how cool it would be to escape from here and hop a train back to Tulsa. I bet those trains go right through our neighborhood. I could jump off by the steel mill and I bet no one would find me. I think tonight when I am bed I am going to dream about doing that. Maybe the train goes by Barrington and you could join me? If not for real, at least in our dreams we could see each other.
Did you get a chance to see Casey before you left? I saw her running up the street. I hope she didn't show up to cause trouble with Sodapop. He doesn't need that. I know Steve would be sure to get her to go away if she was being trouble. Poor Soda.
Are you sleeping well? Not me. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed that Darry passed away and the judge split us up for good. In the dream it was so bad that they made me move away and live with a family in Canada where they only spoke French. When I got there the family was really mean, and when they yelled at me I couldn't understand what they were saying! The nightmare was so bad that the night nurse found me on the floor screaming in the middle of the night. She told me that I was so loud she thought someone had been attacking me. I couldn't sleep after that. Every time I closed my eyes I thought of James coming to Ashford to get me, or worse, doing something to Sodapop. I hope the police find James soon.
I haven't received a letter from anyone yet, but the rules here don't let patients get letters in the infirmary. They don't let you send any either. So I might write this letter to you today, but you might not get to read it for weeks. That won't stop me though. I think I know a way to get my letters in the mail.
I still need to write to Owen, but I don't know what to say because I don't know what he has been told. I wish I could talk to him in person. Heck, I wish I could talk to all of you in person. I guess all I can do it pray that Darry gets better soon, and that the police find James and lock him up for life for what he has done.
Take care and don't forget how much I love you, miss you and think of you all day long.
Love and miss you, your sister,
Scout
On the sleeve of my nightgown I wiped the silent tears from my eyes. I folded the stationary and stuffed it into the envelope without rereading what I had written. I knew I couldn't have read my words again without bawling, but shoving the letter into the little blue envelope didn't help. My emotions choked me up. I turned in my bed, buried my head into my pillow, and bawled.
I hated being trapped at Ashford and not being able to know what was going on back home, or in Ponyboy's life. I wasn't used to being away from my family, and I didn't like it one bit. I cried so hard that Nurse Kelly came to my bed to check on me. I jumped when I heard her voice.
"Miss Curtis, are you alright?" she asked.
Hearing her voice reminded me that I was in the middle of doing something she would frown upon. I shoved the letter to Ponyboy under my pillow and out of sight with the light blue stationary box. I lifted my head and wiped my eyes before I turned to face the woman.
"Yes Ma'am." I sniffled back my emotions a little more. "I was just missing my home."
Nurse Kelly looked at me in displeasure, "Ashford girls don't cry about not being home. Most of these girls have been away from their homes and families for most of their lives. They are strong, confident young women. Perhaps you should work a little harder at being an Ashford girl."
I looked at the nurse and my mouth dropped slightly in shock. She stared back at me for a moment to be sure I wasn't going to sob any longer in her infirmary. When she was pleased that I was quite she smiled politely. "There you are. Strong and confident!" Then the woman turned and left me alone.
I pouted in my bed for a while, but I took the woman's words to heart. I thought about how so many of these girls never had relationships with their parents the way I did. I wondered how many of these girls had been at boarding school almost their whole lives. They didn't know their siblings or life outside of the school's regiment. For a moment I felt like the lucky one, but just for a moment.
I pulled a new sheet of stationary out of the box and began my final letter for the day.
Dearest Owen,
I have no idea what you know about what happened, but I want you to know that I love and I miss you. I am safe here at Ashford, so don't worry about me.
I picked my pen up from the paper. Visions of James coming towards me and pinning my body to the ground entered my mind. I imagined Owen hearing that James had tried to force himself on me. I didn't know what Owen would think of the situation or how he would feel about me now. I tried, but I couldn't bring myself to write another word to him. I didn't know what he knew about the incident at the laundry mat, and I was too ashamed to tell him myself. I wiped more tears away. I took in a steadying breath and wrote,
I will write again soon.
Love Always,
Scout
I gently folded the letter and placed it in an envelope. I pulled the stationary box out from under my pillow. I gathered all three of the completed letters in my hand and began to devise a plan as to how I could buck the infirmary rules and get my letters into the postal system.