This felt different. A feeling both of them had never experienced. They didn't need anything else beside each other. Just both of them, alone. Alone together. Emma didn't have the time or the energy to figure out how she felt for him. Neither did she have any idea how he felt about her. His past and present was as vague to her as his reason to be so insecure. Something must've really scarred him. She constantly endured it in his presence. As if something was still rotting in the back of his mind but he just couldn't express it. It was a weakness, for him at least. Emma saw it more like a strength. He should be proud of what he went through. He survived that, and yes, it may have let some scars. But who cares? Emma sure didn't.
Emma had dated a lot of trolls. Some of them she couldn't even remember as a nice person. She had been desperate and seeking. After all, she had no one to learn from what love was supposed to feel like. Some of them had been selfish and ignorant and perhaps fully wrong for her. Others latched onto her like horrible horseflies. And if there was one fact about Emma Swan, then it would be that she really needed her own personal space. She had even tried to have something with a girl. But she had managed to put that all behind her. Until Neal Cassidy.
Killian, though, was different, enigmatic and interesting. He had a story to tell, but wasn't too eager to tell the world. Just the dark guy nobody notices. Except for Emma.
And now she was laying on his up and down moving bare chest. Listening to his very heartbeat, while he lay sleeping under her head. Something she hadn't imagined her doing for a while. And no, this was no fairy-tale relationship. No princes and princesses. No balls and pretty dresses. No unduly amount of happiness. But Emma was glad that she had bumped into him the way she did. And secretly knew he considered it the same way.
They had been cuddling for a long time now, still cooling down from what had just happened. But apart from Killian, Emma was still wide-awake. And not because whatever reason he could bring up, but because some silent words he had spoken some hours ago.
"It's hard to explain. You don't want to hear it, it's not a pleasant story."
Killian's Irish accent echoed in Emma's mind.
He couldn't even tell her. After all what happened. Was it because he didn't thrust her enough? If he couldn't thrust her, then who the hell was she?
She rolled over on her back but kept her eyes fixated on the closed lids of Killian. He was asleep but clearly not sunken in very deep. His hand reached blindly up to Emma's left ear and played kindly with it. Emma smiled.
"Killian?" She whispered hesitantly.
"Aye?" He whispered back at her.
He opened his eyes and stared sleepily back into Emma's eyes. He snuggled a little closer to her and pressed the side of his head onto Emma's and sighed.
"I want to know." She swallowed.
Emma could feel Killian lifting a single eyebrow and looking at her from above.
"What, love?" He spoke calmly yet slightly scared. As if he already knew what she was going to say.
"I want to hear what happened. Everything."
"Why?"
"Because I care about you. I want to hear why you're so hard to crack. I want to hear why you and your brother hardly get in touch. I want to hear about you for once."
Emma could hear Killian's jaw clenching above her. His muscles tightening and eyes closing. Like something hurt him.
"You're serious, Swan? I warned you, it's not quite the amusing bed-time story." He said quietly and continued to play calmly with her ear.
"I don't want a bed-time story, Killian. I want to know what happened." Emma turned away from Killian's weak grip and lay on her side, facing Killian. She looked in his eyes with all seriousness, proving this wasn't some joke. Killian noticed this and agreed with her request. He also turned around and looked her back into the eye.
"What do you want to hear, love?" He said coolly, sounding a little disturbed.
"Let's start with the beginning." Emma answered him fiercely. "Where are your parents? I've never heard Liam mentioning them, and neither have you."
Killian repositioned himself under the soft white bed sheets and started talking.
"My mom was a great woman. She took care of us until I was 16. Chose one hell of a husband. Perhaps he changed much. I doubt the scumbag even knew my name until I turned 10. But then…" Killian pressed his eyelids together.
"What happened?"
"She got cancer when I turned 15. Got breast cancer for some reason, although she was the first in our family. Inevitable death. We took care of her as much as we could but the cancer got the better of her. She died very young, my mother. Liam couldn't take it, the happening had literally drained all life from him. And when we had nowhere else to go to then my father, the arsehole fled. Haven't heard of'em since. Bloody don't want to." Emma felt his jaw clenching again, but with a passion for anger this time. "We used to go to the beach a lot. Every month we rented this place, with a prodigious view on the ocean." Killian forced a weak smile. Then he swallowed his bitterness away.
"Liam was the one to take care of me. Got me food and everything. But I was a fucking idiot. Wanted to flee just as my father did. Started getting the wrong friends but I never told Liam. Nor was I going to."
"But he did find out, didn't he? About your drinking problem?"
"Oh, but I didn't drink so much back then, lass. Just doing atrocious things, smashing places, stealing loot." Killian smiled at that, as if those times were the good ones. Emma couldn't imagine his bad days.
"You were like a pirate back then?" Emma tried to keep his smile in place for a second.
"Suppose I was." He glanced at her. There was a moment of complete silence.
"Then how did you start?"

"I met this women. Hardly a girl. I fell for her like a suicide from a bridge and luckily we shared the same spark. But I wasn't prepared to bleed. Moved around with her in the dark, not seeing anything what was coming …but I should have. Yes, I was in love, I won't forget that. But have you ever experienced the thing that you adore most move away from you like overpassing wind? I opened up to her, loved her and gave her everything. And the next day, she was just… gone. Like she'd never existed. Erased pencil writing. And that was the only bloody day in my life I needed someone. And yet that day I felt the most empty of all. I couldn't stand the loss. Perhaps I just couldn't stand being lonely anymore." He looked into Emma's eyes with watery eyes. "Going to Liam wasn't an option for me. He could barely function with his own pain, and I wasn't about to add mine to his. So I kept quiet, moved away from my brother. 'Cause Liam is a good man, you know that. Too good. He would've killed himself if it had to be done. But it was soon obvious who I was son of, the moment I couldn't remember half of my weeks. And the ludicrous thing is, I couldn't even admit it. Every night I found an explanation. Every morning I blamed my bad night sleep. I became the monster I was always so anxious to become. And soon, it got even more out of hand. I landed in the bloody hospital a few times, then Liam found out. He seemed timid that evening, remorseful. It was too frightening late by then, I had a problem. Have. Have a problem." Killian corrected himself. The tears stood high up in his eyes. Emma had never seen him so broken, tears streaming to the broken bits of his hurt soul. She laid her hand slowly on his warm cheek. She wanted to do something so bad. Fix him, mend him, and make him smile again. But then again, she loved seeing him like this. If his heart could be broken, it meant it still worked. She pressed her dry lips against his. Slowly, serene. Then looked into his star-sky blue eyes. A single tear came streaming down his face. She didn't notice what kind of tear it was; if it held happiness or pure pain. Perhaps a bit of both, she thought.

"It's wishing for rain in a godforsaken desert that I've found you, Swan."

"It's similarity, Killian. We searched and found eachother. It's as simple as that. Broken hearts heal eachother."

"Then what shattered you, love?" He whispered carefully. It sounded like if he would speak any louder, his voice would be interrupted by a flow of tears. His eyes switched from her one eye to the other, focussing harder on her iris.

"Neal Cassidy shattered me. Unlike you, I didn't know what I had put myself in. I had never been with a man like him. Strong, independent, borderless. Rules weren't included in Neal. Everybody knew him, and I felt lucky when his eye caught mine. And they kept looking. I took my chance, gave him every part of me. Every singly fragment of my soul, every blood drop I could spill. Head over heels, I was. He was the first person that didn't make me long for a home. I didn't care about the passing of my parents anymore, it just didn't matter anymore. We were on this never-ending highway. And he kept me on the road, because I wasn't alone anymore. And he was a perfect distraction for a seventeen year old lost orphan. Until I found out I was carrying a child. It would've been a boy. He could've been healthy." Emma started quietly sobbing. Killian quickly moved closer to her and shushed her calm again. His hand rubbed all over the back of her head.

"And I know I didn't have to do that. I should've learned him to talk, to swim. I should've looked at the stars with him every evening. But I'm not a mother! I never even had one, how could I suddenly become one? I was independent, but not brave enough to make him stay. And I couldn't do it alone, I just couldn't. So I had an abortion. I killed my own son, Killian, I'm a monster!" Her voice went high up in the air and she buried her wet face into Killian's shoulder. Her tears spread out and soaked Killian's bare flesh. Killian started shushing again and giving her slight kisses on her forehead. Although he was a little surprised by her story, comforting her was the last thing he should try. And without Killian even saying a word, Emma insisted on continuing.

"The night I found out I was pregnant, I actually saw it happening. I saw us having a family. I thought I'd have a chance in being happy. But there have to be two to agree on that. And he, just him, the moment I needed him most, gave up on me. He left that night without any words or comments spilled. I heard from him a few times when he was visiting Asia with some girl. Tamara was her name, I think. And I couldn't raise a child on my own. Can't. I can't raise a son on my own."

Killian's fingers found Emma's. He intertwined them with hers and held her close to him. This was the closest they'd ever been. They were completely opened up. Their souls lay bare next to eachother. This was something even more than love. It wasn't just the holding and kissing. She talked and he listened. He got burned and she restored his previously wounded flesh. The perfect fitting puzzle. And for once, none of them cared about their feelings for eachother. What had happened was lain down in the past. They lead eachother through life from this moment on. And Emma wasn't quite sure if she could ever let go of his grip. But the morning light soon shone through the white curtains. It lit up the chamber and let the world back in. But reality wasn't something they were ready for just yet. Light is just the shadow of reality. And sometimes it felt good avoiding it.