Author's Notes: Really corny puns ahead.

The water had gone cold.

Loki had been sitting in the bathtub for an hour now; the bathroom had turned into his sanctuary of sorts. His fingers and toes had gone all pruney, but he didn't mind. It was a small price to pay for solitude. Ever since the thunderer had arrived a week ago, he had never left Loki's side. Had Loki not loudly protested, Thor would've followed him inside the bathroom too. It was like having a big, blond, and overly cheerful magnet.

Thor's abnormal behavior didn't go unnoticed by his friends. Tony had ribbed him endlessly about it, commenting that Thor reminded him of a lovesick puppy. Bruce kept giving them amused looks, and Steve had that goofy smile on his face, like he was so happy for them. It took Darcy a couple of days to warm up to Thor, but nobody could resist the god of thunder when he really turns on the charm.

The god of mischief pushed his wet hair away from his face, a frown gracing his features. Aside from Thor being too clingy, in numerous instances he had caught the Aesir king intently watching him, like he was seeing Loki for the first time. It baffled the trickster as to why he was the focus of Thor's attention all of a sudden. Usually the blond ignored him unless he was in trouble or had a problem that needed to be fixed. That was basically their arrangement; it had been that way their whole lives.

So what was Thor playing at?

He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice another person had appeared inside the bathroom with him.

"You know, it hurts my feelings when you ignore my letters," came a gravelly voice.

Loki started and gaped at the trespasser. The man was tall and brawny, and he had two katanas strapped to his back. Outfitted head to foot in black and red spandex, he reminded Loki of a red panda he had seen from the zoo.

"Wow, I didn't know gods are so pretty…and delicate," the guy continued, staring at Loki in wonder, taking in the trickster's impossibly green eyes and slender build. "I was thinking you'd be built more like Dolph Lundgren. Or that dude from Hercules, you know? I forgot his name. But man, that show kicked ass. You should watch it sometime," he rambled.

Loki scowled, taking offense. The man said it as a compliment, but in Asgard he was thought less of a warrior because he didn't fit the conventional male aesthetic. Until now it still nettled him whenever someone pointed it out. "Who are you? And what are you doing in my bathroom?" he demanded.

"It's me. Deadpool," the red panda impersonator replied, as if that pretty much explained everything.

Loki just looked at him, perplexed.

The guy visibly deflated. "I sent you a bunch of mail. Remember?" he said, sounding petulant. "You never replied, so I thought I should just come to you personally."

Without warning, there was an explosion and shards of wood flew in every direction.

"Brother! Are you alright? The voice from the ceiling told me there is an intruder," Thor exclaimed, shoving his way through the destroyed remains of what used to be Loki's door. He was holding Mjolnir aloft, ready to fight.

"Doom, you asshole!" Tony yelled indignantly from behind Thor, "Hacking into my network I could forgive, but not this." He stopped mid-rant when he saw who it was. "Oh, it's you," he said, frowning at the newcomer. "For the last time, you're not joining the Avengers."

"What's going on?" Steve said, looking worried. He grimaced when he saw Deadpool. "It's ok, it's just Wade," he informed Bruce, who was hovering outside.

"Nice," the scientist griped.

Meanwhile, Darcy had managed to squeeze her way through the throng of men undetected. Seeing Loki still sitting in the bathtub, she whipped out her phone and started taking pictures like crazy.

"Put that away!" Loki barked. He started to get up, but remembered he had no clothes on. Good thing there were still bubbles left in the tub, or else the family jewels would be in full display. The trickster leveled her a glare instead.

Darcy grinned widely. "Think of your fangirls. I'm definitely posting this in my Tumblr."

Loki started to object, but the words died in his throat when he saw the thunderer's expression.

Thor was watching him again, and this time there was no mistaking the hunger in his eyes. He could feel the weight of Thor's gaze on his skin, avidly roaming all over his body.

Even though he was sitting in frigid water, Loki felt hot all of a sudden. Blood rushed to his head; he felt his blush spread from his face and down his neck.

"May I have a bit of privacy please?" Loki requested, amazed his voice was still even when he was seconds away from freaking out. His friends and Deadpool quickly went out without another word. Thor didn't appear to be listening.

"Thor," Loki said, tone sharp.

The god of thunder gave him one last, lingering look, then stepped out.

Loki immediately repaired his door, and flung a reinforcement spell on it for good measure. He collapsed bonelessly against the bathtub as a wave of vertigo crashed over him.

He was not expecting that at all.

It took another couple of minutes for Loki to convince himself that what transpired in the bathroom was a figment of his imagination, some weird trick of light, or whatever. He knew he was grasping at straws here, but either that or lose his sanity.

His friends were gathered in his living room, and he was surprised to find two other super heroes, a boy and a girl, had appeared. The boy was thin and gangly, wearing a costume similar to Deadpool's, while the girl had a prehensile tail, claws, and buck teeth.

Loki wormed himself between Darcy and Steve, as far away from Thor as possible. "Who are they?" he asked Steve, observing the strange group.

"Spider-Man and Squirrel Girl," the super soldier replied. "They want to join the Avengers too." Ever since the trickster had joined the team, weird superheroes had been coming out of the woodwork, wanting to fight alongside Loki.

"Huh," was all the god of mischief could say.

In the meantime Tony was arguing with the newcomers. "I told you, we are not accepting members right now," the billionaire said irately. He shot Deadpool a baleful look. "And even if we were, I wouldn't let you join. You're too unstable."

"Come on man, I made one mistake. That was already more than a year ago," Wade groused. "Let bygones be bygones, eh?"

Bruce, who had been quiet the whole time, spoke up. "Wade, I got banned from Harlem for life because of you," he said coldly.

"How come you never told me that?" Darcy asked, staring at Bruce.

The scientist just shook his head. He didn't want to talk about it.

"This dumbass threw a grenade at the Other Guy and incinerated his pants," Tony supplied, trying his damnedest not to laugh. It always made Bruce crabby when someone reminded him of that particular incident. "And we all know that a Hulk without pants is an extra angry Hulk. Harlem was demolished, thanks to Wade here."

Deadpool threw himself dramatically at Bruce's feet. "I'm so sorry! I was nervous that day. All I wanted was to impress you guys," he bawled.

Bruce rolled his eyes in response. "I thought you joined the X-Men."

"They kicked me out. And the Fantastic Four banned me too," Wade sniffed.

"There are other groups looking for members. I heard the Great Lakes Avengers are open," Steve suggested.

"Cap, you know nothing happens in Wisconsin right? Who am I gonna fight over there? Cows? All the action is right here."

Loki chuckled. Wade was right; all of the super villains loved to congregate in New York for some reason. It was like the whole state had a bright red bullseye painted on it.

"Besides, you guys are the coolest team ever. You have a god on your side," Wade insisted, nodding at Loki. "I'll be popular with the chicks if I join the Fonduing Foursome. It will be awesome!"

Steve and Bruce simultaneously grimaced. Both of them hated that stupid nickname the public had bestowed upon their group. Before Loki had joined the Avengers, they were labeled the Bad Touch Trio, courtesy of Tony's epic interview five years ago.

"The answer is still no Wade. You had your shot and you totally blew it," Tony said, tone snide.

"Hey, how come you gave Deadpool a chance and not us? That's not fair," Spider-Man interjected.

"Because you two are kids. I don't want to include child endangerment to my list of legal liabilities, thank you very much," Tony muttered.

"I'm legal!" Spider-Man protested, his voice cracking a little.

"Legal my ass. You sound like you huffed a tank of helium," Tony shot back. "Your balls haven't dropped yet. I bet you still have acne."

Deadpool gave Spider-Man a patronizing look. "You're too scrawny to be fighting anyway. Grow some muscles first."

"No, I don't have pimples. I use Proactiv," Spider-Man said angrily. He slapped a hand over his mouth, realizing his gaffe. "I mean, no, I don't use that stuff at all," he stammered, as Wade and Tony started sniggering. "I'm a late bloomer, ok? I'm going to fill out eventually!" he burst out, making his voice more high-pitched. It only made the two guffaw harder.

Loki felt sorry for the teenager and decided to step in. "If I remember correctly Tony, you didn't hit your growth spurt until you were sixteen," he said lazily. He turned to Wade, eyeing him up and down. "As for you Deadpool, your strength and physique that you are so proud of? Synthetic. All of it came from a bottle."

Tony and Wade immediately stopped laughing, and gaped at the trickster. Spider-Man fought the urge to squeal like a fanboy; he couldn't believe the god of mischief had stood up for him. Squirrel Girl was all the more determined to join the Avengers; her mild admiration for Loki had revved up to a full-blown crush in a matter of seconds.

Steve, Bruce, and Darcy flinched, as if the insult was directed at them. Loki's sharp tongue was legendary, and it was terrifying to witness it firsthand. They couldn't believe their beloved best friend could also be downright merciless. It was like looking at a different person.

"I just got dissed by Loki. This is the best day of my life," Wade gushed, not affronted by the trickster at all.

Thor regarded the whole exchange somberly. He knew his brother had zero tolerance for those who belittled others because of their appearance. It never ceased to amaze him how Loki could effortlessly cut down anyone with just a few choice words, hitting right where it hurts the most. The trickster would unearth your deepest insecurities, basest desires and shameful secrets, and display it for everyone to see.

"Your names are Peter Parker and Doreen Green, ages fifteen and fourteen," Loki announced, while he lightly skimmed his magic over them. "I have to agree with Tony, you are much too young to be putting your lives on the line. Enjoy your youth, while it lasts," he said wistfully.

The thunderer averted his eyes; he couldn't bear to gaze at Loki's expression. Neither of them had a normal childhood; they didn't get to hold on to their innocence for long. Wars and bloodshed had been an integral part of their existence right from the start.

Squirrel Girl wasn't having any of it. "I defeated Doctor Doom," she declared, chin held high, "has anyone of you done that?"

Tony, who had finally recovered from his embarrassment, cocked an eyebrow. "Really?" A few months back he had heard of Doom's irrational fear of rodents. He didn't believe it at that time, it was just too ridiculous to consider.

Doreen smirked and took out her phone. She had a picture of Doctor Doom, flat on his back, being attacked by hundreds of rabid squirrels. The super villain's massive Doomship was smashed and on fire in the background. Tony stared at it, unbelieving. This was not Photoshopped. It was authentic.

He wordlessly passed the phone to Bruce. Then Bruce passed it to Steve, looking shell-shocked. Steve glanced at Doreen amusedly, then handed it to Loki, who started chuckling.

"You mean to tell me a fourteen-year-old girl defeated the toughest super villain of all time, with the use of rodents?" Tony croaked. "What is the world coming to?"

"Women get things done, that's why," Darcy stated, giving Doreen a high-five. "Just let her join already."

"Nope," the billionaire answered, still obstinate.

"Oh come on! Why do you get to decide? What about the rest of the team?" Doreen exclaimed, stamping her feet.

"Because I have veto power, that's why."

Loki snorted. "This is not a company Tony. You don't have that privilege here."

"Uh, I just wanted to ask, but what are those?" Bruce asked out of the blue, pointing at the leather pouches on Doreen's waist. He wondered if they contained the weapons used to defeat Doom.

"These are my nut sacks."

Everyone in the room cracked up, save for Darcy, Steve, and Loki. Even Thor was not immune to vulgar puns.

Doreen rolled her eyes. World's greatest superheroes her butt; they were just a bunch of idiots who still found dick jokes funny. "You know, for my squirrels when they need a snack," she deadpanned.

"Ok, just for that, you're in," Tony gasped, his stomach cramping from laughing too hard. "Oh god, I think I busted a rib."

Peter and Wade immediately started whining.

Bruce gave a small cough to get their attention. "Actually, we don't have any say in this. It's Fury who decides who gets to join the group," he said sheepishly. "We'll put in a good word for you and Peter," he promised Doreen.

Peter crossed his arms, looking every inch the sullen teenager. "I already asked him, and he said no," he grumbled. "He said the same thing, that I'm too young."

"I enlisted in the army when I was eighteen. You guys welcome to join us once you're of age, if you still want to," Steve said gently. "Until then, promise me that you two won't put yourselves at risk. Just wait for a while, ok?"

Doreen and Peter nodded, albeit reluctantly. It was impossible to say no to someone like Captain America.

After another round of crying and begging later (mostly by Wade), the trio finally left. They promised they would visit again, much to Tony's chagrin.

The billionaire rubbed his temples. "So we got Chock full o'Nuts, Proactiv Boy, and the Crazy Canuck as future members. Why is it that we get the weirdos? How come the X-Men get all the babes?" he complained.

"They are teenagers. By the time they turn eighteen, they'd forgotten this whole episode," Bruce assured his science bro. "And I'm pretty sure Fury won't allow Wade to be an Avenger. The man is insane."

"God, I hope so."

After lunch Loki excused himself and went down to his office to catch up on his paperwork. It wasn't like he was avoiding Thor or anything.

It took him only an hour and he was done, he had even answered all his damned fan mail. Loki cursed himself for being too efficient. He hated being idle; he tended to brood when there was nothing for him to do.

Loki tapped his pen on his desk, thinking. He wondered how the Hel his life had come to this point, with him and Thor having a strange domestic arrangement going on. Every day he made breakfast, went to work, attended meetings, went back home, cooked dinner, watched some tv with Thor, then he went to bed. And every day the god of thunder was waiting for him, like some kind of housewife. It didn't seem to bother Thor at all, fully content with just enjoying Loki's company.

This unusual turn of events was unsettling, to say the least. He had been vying for Thor's attention all his life; now that he had it, he didn't know what to do with it.

Loki fiddled with his mobile, checking for messages. Then he remembered Victor.

A week had already passed, and he still had not taken up the Latverian's invitation. Do dictators take weekends off and relax like normal people? 'Better late than never, I guess,' he mused, as he called Victor.

Upstairs, all of his friends were in Candyland, including Thor. To everyone's amazement, the god of thunder was pretty good at billiards, even better than Loki.

"Woah, where did you get your mad pool skills? Do you guys have billiards in Asgard?" Tony asked as he watched Thor do a complicated trick shot.

Thor gave a chuckle. "I lived in New Mexico for three years. I played a lot to pass the time," he explained.

"So gods regularly hang out here on Earth, like it's some kind of vacation spot?" Darcy inquired. It made her wonder just how many gods were running around the world, moonlighting as ordinary people.

The god of thunder grimaced. "I wouldn't say 'vacation'. My father banished me here as punishment."

Tony was listening intently. From the bits and pieces he had gleaned from Loki about his dad over the years, it seemed Papa Odin was a firm believer of the whole tough love philosophy. Thor had just confirmed his theory.

Thor continued. "Loki, on the other hand, came to Midgard voluntarily. He's not supposed to be here in the first place. He's a prince of Asgard after all," he said morosely.

"Wait, you mean Tom is royalty? The myths never said anything about that," Bruce said, confused. Then again, he shouldn't be surprised. The stories never mentioned anything about Thor and Loki being brothers, or them being completely obsessed with each other. 'Bet those monks never saw this coming,' the scientist mused.

"Loki is a prince of two realms," Thor said, frowning. "He never told you that?"

"Well that explains a lot. Nobody could be that haughty without a drop of royal blood in them," Darcy said, giggling.

"We didn't even know he's a god until only a month ago," Steve answered.

Thor nodded in understanding. "That is to be expected. My brother keeps to himself. He never lets anyone know what he is thinking."

"No kidding," Tony murmured. He was hurt that Tom kept so much from him, whereas he never hid anything from his best friend. He told Tom everything on his mind, and the trickster had even complained numerous times that he didn't want to know his sordid fantasies involving Captain America.

"Speaking of Tom, where is he anyway?" Tony asked, looking around. They were supposed to be playing against Bruce and Steve today, the Robber Barons vs. the Proletariats.

"He just messaged me a few minutes ago. Said he was going out for a drink, didn't say where though," Steve stated, reading from his mobile.

Darcy and Bruce exchanged worried looks.

"JARVIS, where's Tom?" Tony asked quietly.

The AI didn't answer right away.

"JARVIS."

"I don't think it is proper to tell you, sir," JARVIS replied. Tony glared at the ceiling.

"Damn it, where is he?" the billionaire demanded, getting more agitated by the second.

It shouldn't be possible for an AI to sound annoyed, but JARVIS did. "Sir Tom is currently in Doomstadt, Latveria," he answered dully.

"What?! I told him not to meet Doom!" Tony screeched, forgetting that Thor was present. He started calling his best friend, but the god was not picking up his phone.

"Loki…went out on a date?" Thor asked slowly. He looked calm, yet storm clouds were already gathering outside.

Everyone gulped.

Steve wanted to say it wasn't a date, but he didn't fancy getting smote by an angry god today. He glanced at Tony, and the billionaire looked pleased with himself, delighted that Thor agreed with him.

"Yup, and I'm pretty sure Doom has the hots for your brother," Tony said nonchalantly.

Steve wanted nothing more than to knock Tony out with his shield at that moment.

Growling, Thor summoned Mjolnir and flew out the balcony without a backward glance.

Darcy started to call her boss frantically, while giving Tony dirty looks.

Bruce promptly smacked his science bro upside the head. "What the hell was that?!"

"What does it look like? I'm cockblocking the asshole, and at the same time I'm getting our buddy back. It's a win-win situation," Tony said, regarding Bruce like he was the one being dim here. "Don't you get it? Doom is trying to entice Tom to join the dark side of the force. Besides, a little white lie never hurt anyone."

Steve stared at him incredulously. "Didn't you see Thor's face? They might kill each other."

"No, they won't. They'd probably just maim each other good at most," Tony said coolly.

"First of all, lay off the Star Wars for a while. Second, that's not cool what you did, crashing Tom's date like that. You broke the Bro Code. Again," Bruce reprimanded.

"I don't give a rat's ass about that. This is Doom we're talking about. The end justifies the means fellas," the billionaire singsonged. "Which reminds me," Tony said, pushing away from the group, "I still haven't hacked ol' metal face's network. Let's see if he likes a million viruses in his mainframe."

Bruce and Steve couldn't do anything but gawk as Tony practically skipped to the elevator.

Meanwhile in Latveria…

Loki was at Castle Doom. It really was a genuine castle, complete with turrets, a moat with a drawbridge, a spacious courtyard, a great hall, and a dungeon (which the monarch had converted into a laboratory). Suits of armor and tapestries lined the walls. It was also filled with priceless art; Loki had recognized a few Renoirs and Corots while Victor gave him a tour around his home earlier. It tickled the trickster to discover that the tyrant had a fondness for paintings that depicted idyllic landscapes. He had expected that Victor would be more into the works of Hieronymus Bosch or Edvard Munch.

The god observed his host, who was sitting right across from him. The Latverian was idly swirling honey-colored liquid around his glass.

It was said you could tell a lot from a person with the kind of drink they prefer.

Tony liked tequila, which was a no-brainer. Adored by spring breakers everywhere, it's the perennial party drink. It made one irresponsible and rowdy, which for the billionaire was normal behavior.

Victor favored cognac, a drink meant to be savored, reserved for a night of silence and rumination. It's a drink for hedonists, those who enjoy spending long hours simply discerning its subtle notes and complex flavors.

Loki, on the other hand, preferred vodka. Those who drink it straight are only after the sweet oblivion that it brings. Unlike Tony and Victor, he didn't drink because it was fun or pleasurable. He drank because he wanted to forget.

The god sipped his drink, felt the warmth pool in his gut. He could tell it was the expensive kind, the way it came down so smoothly. "This is a very nice cognac," he complimented, tipping his glass towards Victor in appreciation. "Again, I apologize for not meeting with you earlier."

The Latverian waved a hand dismissively. "It's fine. I knew you were busy."

Loki gave him a mildly perplexed look.

"It's kind of hard not to notice another god falling out of the sky," Victor supplied dryly.

Loki chuckled. He remembered Uncle Vili and Uncle Ve, and countless other Aesir who had settled in Midgard instead of the Eternal Realm. "Trust me, we are not as uncommon as you think."

Victor was about to ask the god to elaborate further, but was cut short when the heavy oak door in his study was blasted open. Thor rushed in, looking pissed. "Loki! Why didn't you tell me where you were going?" he boomed.

"What is it with you and doors today?" Loki said, appalled that the thunderer had followed him halfway across the world. He was willing to wager his whole library that Tony had something to do with it.

Thor didn't get to answer the question; he was hit by a powerful force blast and hurled across the room, knocking sculptures along the way.

Loki glanced to the side, and saw Victor already wearing his armor, sans his metal mask. The god of thunder quickly recovered, and he retaliated via lightning strike. Victor sidestepped it, and the row of books behind him exploded, charred paper and bits of binding flying everywhere.

The trickster gave a small noise of distress. Some of those books were first editions too.

Thor kept trying to electrocute Victor, but since the Latverian's body was comprised of organic metal, the thunderer's attacks didn't have much of an impact.

Loki watched as Thor and Victor circled each other, half expecting the two testosterone addled alpha males to start grunting and beating their chests like gorillas any minute now.

'I'm not drunk enough for this,' the trickster mused, as a bottle of vodka appeared on his hand.

After a few more failed attempts, Thor had finally caught on that his opponent was impervious to lightning. Quick as a flash, he launched Mjolnir to Victor's head. The tyrant didn't have time to duck. There was a loud clang and Victor went down faster than a sack of bricks.

Loki jumped from the couch and sprinted to the dictator's side. Victor was knocked out cold, a huge lump forming on his head. The god quickly revived him.

"Please forgive my brother. He's a tad unstable," Loki muttered, checking Victor's eyes for any signs of a major concussion. He sighed in relief when the Latverian blinked back at him, a little cross-eyed but still alert. "Tony was right, you are tougher than most people," the trickster joked, attempting to lighten the situation.

Victor wasn't listening to any of it, too distracted by Loki peering at him closely. The trickster's face was just inches away, his warm breath ghosting over his lips. He noted dimly that Loki's beauty surpassed all the women he had ever dated; none of them even came close.

Downright perturbed by that random thought, Victor groaned and closed his eyes. God, his brain hurt.

Loki placed his hand on the Latverian's forehead, healing him. "I'm really sorry about this. I won't hold it against you if you never invite me again," he mumbled, clearly embarrassed. The god then stood up and commenced repairing the damage around the room.

Thor watched as Loki checked the mortal for injuries. He might've won the battle, but it wasn't much of a victory. The trickster was leaning over Doom, their faces almost touching. Loki gently stroked Doom's face, and the mortal gazed at his brother with an unreadable expression. It only made Thor dislike Doom even more.

Luckily the moment didn't last long; Loki was already busy fixing the place, not paying either of them any attention.

Still flat on the floor, Victor shot the god of thunder a glare of pure loathing. Thor glowered back; the feeling was mutual.

Loki threw Victor one last apologetic look, then grabbed Thor by the arm and teleported away.

Too stunned to move, Victor merely stared at the ceiling, processing what had just happened. He had been attacked and soundly defeated by the god of thunder. He should be already plotting Thor's demise, but instead his thoughts kept meandering back to the god of mischief.

His skin still tingled where Loki had touched him.

Additional notes:

Proactiv is a brand of acne treatment.

Canuck is another term for a Canadian. Deadpool hails from Canada, hence the title Crazy Canuck.

Here are the pool team names:

Robber Barons (Tony & Loki)

Proletariats (Steve & Bruce)

Science Bros (Tony & Bruce)

Blue Ballers (Loki & Steve) (kudos for the person who can figure out what it means. lol)

Coffee Dudes (Tony & Steve)

Tea Guys (Bruce & Loki)

Extras:

Fists of Fury (Clint & Natasha)

The Wild Card (Darcy)

I will post the new team names including Thor in the next chapter XD