Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine. I'm just playing in the sandbox for a little while... and loving every freaking moment of it. Lionsgate = GFYS!

Authors Note: Thank you as always for all the support and reviews. You make me want to write more!

About Last Night

Chapter 14

Bella.

His face still looks pained. There is an agonizing twist to his gorgeous features. I caused that. This is my entire fault. He's not spoken for a while. The silence is killing me.

This is so unlike you – he had said to me moments ago, and nothing since then. I wish there is something I can do.

Edward rests his head in his hands once again and tugs at his hair. He begins to speak and I brace myself for what is coming.

"Shit... I... I need some air, I really need to go."

My fists curl into little balls by my sides, my short nails digging painfully into my palms. I knew it would come to this, I should be prepared.

"I understand," I tell him, because deep down I do. Of course I do; how can I not? I should have prepared myself for this all along – or at least thought this through. Obviously if I had thought it through and come to the conclusion that it would be a stupid fucking mistake to bed my best friend, then clearly I wouldn't be in the situation I'm currently in.

He doesn't utter another word, but he pretty much makes a run for it, not even bothering to shut the front door. All I can do it watch him vanish off the porch and into the rain. The wheels on his car spin violently in the mud as he attempts to accelerate away.

I will not cry... I will not cry.

I watch as the Volvo disappears out of my sight and eventually close the door, shutting me off from the harshness of the outside world.

I'm suddenly in that lost place again. I don't know what to do with myself and my heart feels like it's just been torn in two. It feels like a huge hole has been punched in my chest. It's gaping, but I keep reminding myself that it's all my fault.

I wonder how long the pain is going to take to go away. Weeks? Months? Years... will I ever be able to love someone else?

Of course I will – I know that my thoughts are now boarder lining on ridiculous. I'm eighteen years old. No doubt given time, I'll find someone else... that when he comes along, I'll just realize that what I had... or thought I had with Edward was just stupid, teenage puppy love. Perhaps if I keep on telling myself that, then it might happen.

Maybe. Probably not. I know how I feel.

By the time Charlie arrives home, I'm not feeling any more chipper, but I can't show my father that anything is wrong. I'm totally not ready for Chief Swan's rendition of the Spanish Inquisition. Even if I did happen to tell him all the dirty details – which I wouldn't. Eww... he wouldn't accept that it was all down to me, and he'd shove his gun back into his holster and march to his cruiser and race at breakneck speed to the Cullen house and string my... string Edward up by his balls and shoot him.

I wish I had the excuse for homework, but sadly there is none, so have to use the excuse that I wasn't in the mood for Sports Center tonight, and managed to get away with going upstairs.

I try to read and get myself lost in some Austen. When that doesn't work I try Dickens. Nothing, zip, nada. Shakespeare doesn't help either. Stories about star-crossed lovers are not appropriate at this time.

I don't know how I'm going to face him.

I flip open my laptop and decide that procrastinating for a while, playing some mindless game on Facebook seems like a good idea. An hour tending to my crops on Farmville passes a little time, but all I keep doing is hovering over Edward's profile, clicking and checking. Awesome, I'm turning into an internet stalker. His little online status thingie is green. I know he's here. It would be so easy to just click on his name and open a chat box.

He wanted space. He didn't want to talk to me about it. He needed air.

But he didn't even say goodbye.

I'm wigging out. I need to talk to him. My fingers are shaking as I scroll through photos of the two of us together. We look so stupidly happy. In most of them he has his arms around me, my favourites are the ones where he is pressing sloppy, comical kisses to my cheeks and I am glaring at him pretending to be grossed out.

To anyone who didn't know us, they would probably assume that I was Edward's girlfriend and vice versa, as we both feature so heavily on each other's profiles. Fuck, we even play The Sims on Facebook together.

Shakily, I open up a chat box, but click on his name again so it opens up an inbox message rather than an instant.

Pussy.

I swallow, not really knowing what I can say to him... nothing more than what was said this morning that's for sure, but I need to say somthing.

Hey, I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now, but I'm happy that so far you've not seen sense to block me on here and out of your life.

I just wanted to check that you're okay... which I know if fucking stupid. Of course you're not okay. I'm so mad with myself for even sending this to you because I know you want some space... and hell, I don't expect you to ever want to talk to me again after what I did.

I know we covered this already, but I just need you to know that I take full responsibility for all of this. I've upset you. I willingly and knowingly took advantage of you, and although I'm struggling to come to terms with it – I know that through my mistakes, I've gone and lost myself the best thing that has even happened to me.

I wish I'd told you years ago how I felt about you, but if I'm honest, I was afraid of losing you. I was scared that you would laugh at me. I would have never expected you to think of me as more than a friend.

So what came over me, I guess I'll never know. My gut won over my heart and I made a mistake. I'm sorry. You must feel so dirty right now. I do. I feel like I've defiled you. I can't apologize enough, and I know that there is nothing I can do to make it up to you.

I don't expect you to reply to this, but I guess for my own selfish reasons, I needed to send this to you because you just left this morning... you didn't say goodbye. Again, my fault. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I don't deserve for you to give me the time of day anymore.

I am so sorry, Edward.

Maybe one day you will want to see me – probably to tell me exactly what you think of me. I accept that and I'll give you anything you want. I owe you that much.

Goodbye, and I miss you.

Bella. X

I read it back and realize what a whiny bitch I'm coming off as... but it's from the heart and I hope to God that Edward will see it like that. I have to send it. I only hope it doesn't cause him to hate me more.

His little online light is still green as I press send.

In some ways, maybe, with him going off across the country to college will make things easier. The pain of separation now is totally different to what it was forty eight hours ago. At least now it will only be one sided. I'll miss him and still always regret last night, but at least he will be happy to be away from me.

I want to turn off my computer. I want to shut it down.

His green light is still on. If he's at his laptop he would have seen my message by now.

Have I disgusted him even more? Maybe he just deleted it without reading it.

It's only been three minutes.

I don't even know what I'm waiting for.

What do you think is going to happen next? What is Edward going to think? Press review and let me know, it only takes a moment.