Slowly, it seemed to Adriana that her life was beginning to slip past her control. Everything around her, every day, seemed a potential threat to spill her secret- not just the secret of her sister's hidden sexuality, but of the increasingly frequent and insidious bullying that she was encountering. The more she tried to ignore it, and the less often or persistently she confronted it, the more it seemed to her that it was happening, and the more difficult it was growing to hide.
She didn't want to check her email or log into Facebook, but she knew that she had to, much more frequently than she usually would, because what if someone posted something that Santana or Rachel would see, something that would mess everything up? She had taken to avoiding her locker entirely, which became complicated on the occasions that Rachel had asked, hurt, why she never responded to the notes she left on her locker or the song selections she emailed to her. Then there was Santana, telling her how much of a dork she looked like by carrying all her books in her backpack like a total geek who couldn't bear to be parted from any of them for even a class period. Adriana found herself growing quieter in Glee, frightened that someone would hear too much emotion in her voice during songs and somehow guess what was happening. She had near anxiety attacks at times that she was asked to perform or choose a song, even just among the Glee members, because what if someone outside of Glee used it against her somehow to further harass her?
She tried to walk with Rachel or other Glee members in between classes as often as possible, but even that became dangerous to her when all she could focus on was the looks thrown her way and the loud whispers thrust towards them. Whereas Adriana had once at least nodded and smiled recognition at her sister when she passed her in the halls, she now tried to avoid seeing her at all, because she wanted their connection to be given as little attention as possible. More than once Santana had noticed this and confronted her later, asking her with some actual hurt if she thought she was too good for her now, and sometimes with suspicion if Quinn or another Cheerio had been saying something to her. Every time Adriana denied it, and it ended up with Santana getting angry with her and stalking off, certain she was keeping something back. Adriana couldn't blame her; after all, she was. But it was for her, couldn't she guess that, somehow?
She had nightmares often now at night, and because they usually woke Santana up and resulted in her demands that Adriana talk to her, Adriana found herself sleeping less, worried that the nightmares would come if she slept more than a few hours. This left her tired, emotionally drained, and unable to concentrate during the day- to the point that Santana had actually asked her with suspicion once if she was "on something." For her sister to actually think that Adriana, the girl she had once referred to as Angel Adriana, was capable of such a thing, was a definite indication of how bad things were getting.
But no matter how upset or scared she was beginning to feel, or how much the others were beginning to affect her, Adriana felt that she had to keep quiet. Because if it hurt for her to experience the others' targets towards her, it would hurt that much more if Santana started to get it too- all because of her.
Rachel, though often very focused on her own schedules and plans, nevertheless was not a stupid girl, and she too had definitely noticed the changes in Adriana's behavior and demeanor. More than once Adriana had caught her frowning at her, and she had caught her by surprise one day by keeping her back in the choir room after the others had left, taking her by the hand and speaking more softly and with more vulnerability than usual.
"Adriana…I can't help but notice how sad you seem lately. You don't walk as closely to me in the halls or hold my hand as much, and you pull away if others are looking at us or talking about us. You won't even walk down the same hall as the cheerleaders or football players and you don't pass notes to me in class or partner up with me or even sing duets with me anymore unless Mr. Shue has assigned us together. You just…you seem so unhappy, and I hate to think that anything about us being together is making you feel this way. Is it…is it me? Am I making you feel unhappy? Because…because I know I can be a little, well, a little much sometimes, and sometimes my emotions and my actions can be a lot to get used to, but…but I just want you to know, I really do care about you so much. Sometimes I think too much, even, and if that's overwhelming for you, and, and you need me to step back a little bit, I do understand."
She was looking at her with wide eyed gaze, so earnest, so very much wanting to understand, and Adriana's heart twisted up with her guilt and empathy for her. Because it wasn't what Rachel was assuming at all. It wasn't that she was ashamed to be with her, or seen with her, or that she was not able to return her feelings as deeply. It was because she cared for Rachel, because she didn't want Rachel, who was already so often bullied for simply being herself, to be targeted even further.
And then the horrible thought occurred to her…what if Rachel was receiving the exact same treatment that she was, and she too was simply not sharing with Adriana what was going on? What if she was trying to protect Adriana every bit as much as Adriana was trying to protect her? She had been here longer, and was more accustomed to the meanness of the other students…what if, by making up her mind to be with Adriana in spite of it, she was getting even worse treatment than usual? What if Adriana was hurting her too by choosing to be with her?
But Adriana could not think of a way to ask this of her, a way to voice her fears. All she could bring herself to do was to shake her head, to deny Rachel's questions as though they were of no validity at all. And they weren't; it wasn't about Rachel, or anything that she was doing, that was the cause of any of this. It was simply the fact that Rachel was female, and that was something she couldn't change and that Adriana would never want it to.
She had once been afraid to come out, not just because Santana warned her against it, but because of her own fears and trepidation. For the first time, Adriana was beginning to regret making the steps she had to begin to- not for herself, but for those around her who cared about her the most.
But Rachel couldn't understand this. She didn't get it, and Adriana couldn't make her understand with what words she felt she could say.
"Ana…I feel like you want to break up with me, but you won't. Maybe you're afraid of what dramatic scene I would cause, or that it would affect our performance in Glee, or maybe you just don't want to hurt my feelings, but I can assure you, I am used to a lifetime of hurt and disappointment, and if that's what you want to do-" Rachel had begun, her chin lifted in determination even as her voice quivered, betraying her hurt.
"Rachel, no, that's not what I want…that's not it," Adriana had tried, even as she too heard her voice shake. "I don't want that….I just, I don't want you to be hurt-"
"Well it's too late for that, Adriana, because the way things have been, I am hurt," Rachel had retorted, even as her voice remained even. "I think that it's you who don't want to be hurt. And that's why you're pulling away. Why can't you tell me? That's how people grow close and overcome obstacles together, by talking through the rough times and battling adversity together. I've read about this and it sounds accurate."
When Adriana didn't speak, averting her eyes, she had heard Rachel gasp as though in realization, a new light coming to her eyes. She had stepped forward, one hand lightly touching Adriana's cheek as Adriana shut her eyes, unable to look at her to see Rachel's expression as she listened to her soft, newly compassionate words.
"Ana…I'm not like her," she said quietly, and Adriana knew exactly who she was talking about. Amanda. Rachel thought that this was about Amanda, that Adriana was not letting herself trust, and that assumption of hers brought tears of shame to choke her throat. "I would never hurt you or let someone else hurt you. I would never walk away from you to let you face others' hatred on your own…but I feel like that's what you're trying to do to me now, just to save yourself from possible pain. Please, Adriana, we can do this, but we have to be together on it."
But as sincere as she was, she couldn't understand that this idealization just wasn't going to work. She didn't understand, and so Adriana could only give the broken, unsatisfying response that she knew would not soothe Rachel's hurt.
"It's okay, Rachel…it's okay, everything's okay. There's nothing to worry about at all."
88
As lost in her own world as she normally seemed to be, Brittany Pierce was the last person that Adriana would have expected to be even paying attention to her, much less actually understanding enough of what was going on to actually confront her, but the day after Rachel's pleas, Brittany came up to Adriana in the hallway just as she was on her way to Glee rehearsal, not touching her, but deliberately blocking her path in such a way that Adriana couldn't easily get around her. Adriana had frowned, trying to politely side step her, but Brittany put out an arm, her pale eyes boring into Adriana's with an intensity so different from their usual vacancy that Adriana swallowed, immediately unsettled.
"Do you want something, Brittany?" she tried, keeping her voice low, even, despite her nervousness at Brittany's unusual behavior. "We're going to be late for Glee if we don't hurry."
Brittany made no effort to move aside.
"You're upsetting Santana," she said flatly, dropping the arm she had put up but nevertheless keeping her body in between Adriana and her ability to exit the hallway. "Her feelings are soft and delicate even when her words are vicious, and I don't like it when Santana is sad. You're making Santana sad, and I want to know why."
Adriana blinked, thrown by the other girl's directness. Those were pretty much the last words she had expected to hear, although she knew with a pang of guilt as soon as Brittany spoke them that they were true. Licking her lips, she averted her gaze, trying to shrug it off.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Adriana said, knowing even as she did that she had never been convincing in lying. She was sure from the sudden heat in her face and from the quickened beats of her heart that she looked as guilty as she felt. Even someone like Brittany would be able to know that she was not truthful. "Santana isn't upset or sad, she's fine. She got a ride with you to school this morning and I'm sure she was laughing and making fun of people the whole way."
"She got a ride with me because she didn't want to sit beside you on the bus, and she didn't want other people to make fun of her or you and say that you must be fighting if she didn't," Brittany corrected her bluntly, her voice taking on a bit of an edge that made Adriana look up in surprise. Brittany showing even a small hint of anger was something that was almost surreal to her. "And she wasn't laughing and making fun. She was sitting there very quiet and sad and even though she didn't cry I could tell that she wanted to. And that's because of you, Adriana. She's sad because of you."
Adriana didn't know what to say to that. If that was true, and she couldn't think of a good reason why Brittany would lie about it, then that meant that her efforts to shield Santana from hurt were only damaging their relationship and causing her hurt anyway. She had known this, or at least suspected it, as much as she tried not to think about it, but to hear Brittany come out and say it in that near accusing way made it feel much worse to her to be aware of.
But Santana just didn't understand. If she knew what was really going on, she would know that Adriana was doing this not to pull away from her or to distrust her, but because she loved her and wanted her to be happy.
But Brittany was saying she was unhappy…and Adriana knew it too, even without her telling her. She could see it in the way that Santana had started spending even more time out of the house, how she avoided touching her when they passed in the halls or making eye contact. Her sister was hurt, and knowing this was the case hurt Adriana too.
"You don't keep secrets from people you love, Adriana," Brittany said firmly when Adriana didn't reply right away. "And if you do, it's because it's a surprise that will make them feel good. Not because you're scared, or because you want to get back at them or make them hurt. Or because you want to keep from hurting their feelings. Secrets don't keep people close to you. They just tear you apart."
She paused, then added with a layer of meaning that made Adriana suck in her breath at the implication behind it, "I tell Santana that all the time. And I think she's starting to believe me. I think one day soon, she won't have any more secrets, and then maybe you can stop hurting her and let her know your secrets too."
She knew. Was it possible that Brittany knew- both about Santana, and about what had been happening to Adriana in her efforts to keep Santana's secret too?
Of course she did. Brittany and Santana were probably making out in the closets of any party they went to and writing each other sexts written entirely in some secret code. No doubt Brittany knew exactly how Santana felt for her and exactly why she wouldn't let anyone else know. And as for Adriana…well, Brittany was a cheerleader, and she did run with the popular crowd. If all of them were at least aware of the Facebook page and the notes, the threats and graffiti, if not directly responsible for some of it, then Brittany no doubt knew too. But didn't that mean she had her own secret then- one she was keeping from Santana? And wouldn't that mean that Brittany too felt like she was being torn apart from Santana by not telling her about her sister's ordeal?
Overwhelmed by the weight of all the pieces that were now clicking together for her, Adriana shook her head, hearing her voice choke when she finally replied.
"I hate secrets, Brittany, and I hate when Santana is hurt. But sometimes you just have to have them, if you want people to be safe."
"The safest place to be is surrounded by friends who understand and support you for exactly who you are," Brittany countered, holding Adriana's eyes with her own. "But they can't do that, when you won't be that person."
She maintained her gaze for a few more moments before stepping back, continuing with one last glance back at Adriana to Glee. When Adriana could remember to make her legs work again, she followed, feeling disconnected from her steps and her body and entirely lost in her own confused thought.
She didn't really try very hard to sing in Glee. She let the melody of the music wash over her as the others warmed up with scales, the music that had once filled her with eagerness and joy now unsettling and jarring to her ears. She remained nearly motionless throughout the rehearsal, and she found her thoughts coming to settle on her parents, on what she could remember of them, after all the years of their absence from her life.
What would her mother and father think of her, if they knew her today? Would they, like her abuela, think that her feelings towards Rachel were a sinful choice, a disease that she could choose to cure if she only tried hard enough? Would they want her to keep it quiet, something known only by close family, so as not to bring shame or embarrassment? Would they understand her motives for her silence? Would they wish for someone different, someone better, someone more normal?
She didn't remember much about them, but what she did remember with absolute clarity were the small moments that she had taken for granted in the past, but that seemed so special and almost magical for her to remember now. The times that their father had taken her and Santana outside to practice climbing trees or hitting a wiffle ball, the times that their mother had let them help her in the kitchen and lick the bowl and spoon. The way her mother had brushed their hair so patiently, her hands tender and gentle as she took care not to pull on the knots, and how their father had a special song he would sing when he gave them their baths. The way they never were angry at her when she dirtied her clothes or wet the bed, and they never screamed at Santana when she had hit Adriana or thrown a fit because she didn't get her way. The way they had called Santana Santanita and Adriana, Dri-Dri. But most of all, the way they had looked at them both with such love, as though they could never do anything to make it go away.
The more Santana remembered, the more she thought about it, the more certain she was. Her parents would not judge her or want to change her, not for being who she was. Even when she was three and four years old and scared of the dark, wetting the bed, and crying when they tried to go out for the night, they had accepted her, flaws and all; they had loved her and been proud of her, because she was their daughter. It had been the same with Santana. They had accepted Santana's thumb sucking and occasional outbursts of mean words, her tantrums and her tendency to get carsick, and they had been every bit as proud of her and loved her just as much as they had Adriana. Somehow, Adriana doubted that this would change just because they were older, and just because they happened to love people who were outside of the expected norm.
And if her parents would love her for who she was, and Santana for who Santana was, then would they really think it was right for Santana to hide it, and for Adriana to lie and take abuse thrown her way to help her do so?
More confused than ever, Adriana found herself frequently losing her place in the songs she was focusing on, brought to earth only by Rachel's occasional nudge and pointed finger at the right place in the music.
She knew what her parents would think, but that didn't mean she knew what they would want her to do.