Clary's POV
Sitting on the bathroom floor, unable to stop my body from shaking, I kept my hands pressed up against my ears painfully, but it didn't stop the sound of Jace's voice replaying in my head like a broken record.
"I love her Alec…I really could have lost her because of what I did last night…I know why I'm marrying Aline…I've never loved anyone before, and I love her…She loves me so much Alec…I made a promise to her and I'm not breaking it…I'm marrying Aline…It'd mean a lot to me if you were my best man when I got married."
I never heard another word that passed between them. I never heard the goodbyes or the sound of the door shutting, and I only somewhat registered the vibration from the knock on the bathroom door. I couldn't say if I had forgotten to lock the door, or if Alec had picked the lock, but I only moved because he forcefully pushed the door open. Alec's arms pulled me up off the ground. I couldn't even stand on my own two trembling feet and I couldn't get enough air right now. My body felt weak, so weak, and although I had never fainted, I feared I might.
"Clary…What did you hear?..." I just shook my head, unable to form the words.
"…Breathe, just breathe." Alec whispered softly into my ear as he held me. It felt like it took forever to catch my breath, to stop the mounting pain within my tightening chest, but whether ten minutes had passed or an hour, I couldn't say.
"I'm sorry." I whimpered softly as I finally looked up at Alec.
"Are you apologizing for crying?" Alec asked as he looked down at me gently. I gave a little shrug. I felt the need to apologize for my outburst, but when he put it that way, the apology seemed out of place. He brought his lips to my forehead for a brief kiss. Feeling like a fool, I pulled out of Alec's arms.
"Where is Jace?...Wasn't he just here?" I asked trying to sound somewhat nonchalant as I wrapped my towel around me a bit tighter. Alec reached out and wiped away at my tears, but my hands were quickly replacing his; I probably looked like a nutcase right now.
"He was, but he's going to meet us outside…I'm driving him back…Max too." I gave a little nod, my hands still working to wipe away a river worth of tears. I hadn't noticed that Alec had grabbed a handful of tissues, but as he offered them to me now, I didn't hesitate to take them.
"Thank you." My voice was so small I wasn't even sure if he had heard me. As I tried to hurriedly wipe all evidence of my mini meltdown away, my eyes bounced around the room, never falling on Alec's for any length of time; I felt like a complete idiot. Alec watched me closely, and he looked so deep in thought.
"Clary, is there anything else going on that you're not telling me? Anything else that happened last night?" I felt heat rising to my cheeks. I don't know why, but I felt like he was asking about Jace; maybe I was just overly paranoid. Of course at this point, my face was probably all splotchy from crying, so I could hope he wouldn't even notice that I was blushing. I just shook my head.
"I don't…really…want to talk about last night." I stumbled over my words as I walked over to the sink to assess the damage in the vanity mirror. I looked awful. My face was so red, I looked sunburned, and my eyes were completely bloodshot. I looked like I was coming down with a dual case of pink eye. It was quiet for a couple minutes as I splashed some cold water on my face, but the silence only lasted until I started to pat my face dry.
"We don't have to talk about last night Clary, but I'm worried about you…" I took a deep breath as I stared at myself in the mirror. I'm sure I was missing half of the lecture Alec was giving me, but it was probably just as riveting as the lecture he'd already given me this morning, and I was too overwhelmed right now for another speech. I found my gaze fixated on my hair at the moment, it looked so dark right now. Although I knew the only reason it looked nearly brown was because it was wet, I also knew it would never lighten to the coppery shinny new penny color of my natural hair, not until it grew out anyway, and that would take years. Izzy thought it'd make such a difference, I'd look so sexy, so sexy if I just looked different, because apparently, I'm not sexy at all. I didn't even know if I liked my hair this color. At first I thought it was an improvement, but now I found myself missing the color I had gotten from my mother. I could dye it again, but I'm sure it would never come out looking like my natural hair color, not exactly. I could just about hear my mother scolding me for trying to change myself for a guy.
"…I don't know what Jace's deal is, I don't…I don't know how he feels, but he cares an awful lot about you, and everybody can see that…" Why would a guy like Jace ever want to be with a girl like me? I knew he cared about me, but not the way I wanted him to. I was constantly trying to force him to have feelings for me that he didn't have, and in the process, I was single handedly destroying our friendship.
"…He and Gab are like arch enemies…If you had slept with Gab…I just-"
"I didn't sleep with Gab." I responded dejectedly as I cut him off. My face was looking thin, Barbara was right, I was nearly looking sickly. Of course the blotchiness wasn't helping, but I knew my mother would surly say something when I went up to see her next week, like she always did, always commenting how skinny she thought I was. My gym workouts had turned nearly compulsive lately, and I had thought my body was looking so lean and toned, but I wasn't eating right, I knew I wasn't, and if I looked closely, I could tell I was getting too thin. I might have argued at first that the hours I spent at the gym were to improve my stress level, but somewhere along the way I knew I was just trying to look more like the girls that caught Jace's eye. It didn't matter, no matter how many hours I spent at the gym I'd never get taller, I'd never get curvier. None of it mattered. Change my hair, change my body, change the way I dress. It didn't matter what I did, Jace was never going to pick me. He might have slept with me the night before, but the more Jace drinks, the lower his standards get, and he was obviously very drunk. He never would have slept with me if he was sober; he's never even kissed me when he was sober, not a real kiss, not a kiss on the lips. He didn't want to be with me like I wanted to be with him. He didn't love me.
"…I guess…I'm just trying to say…If you had…Clary, if you had slept with Gab…Jace-" I just snapped.
"Jace what?…" I spat as I turned toward him.
"…Will he be upset Alec…" I asked sarcastically.
"…Is that what you were going to say? Will he think less of me? Will he be really disappointed? He can't break up with me, because we're not together…He can't stop loving me, because he already doesn't!…" I felt more tears tumble down my cheeks, but I was too angry and frustrated at the moment to even swat them away.
"…Do you have any idea what it's like to be in love with somebody that doesn't love you back and know you can't do anything to change their mind, to make them want you, to make them choose you. I bet you don't know what it's like to feel not good enough, no matter how hard you try. I bet you've never lost complete control over your life. It's not just him either, it's you and Izzy and your mother, and just everybody-"
"I don't understand." Alec took a step closer to me, but I found myself backing away. I just didn't want to be touched right now. Right now, I was too overwhelmed to want to be touched. I was holding myself together alright, but if he so much as touched me, I felt like I'd completely fall apart all over again.
"I'm being fazed out of my own life Alec! Aline started with Jace, but now she's taking over my apartment, and she's taking away Izzy from me, and wedding planning with Maryse all the time. Even you're talking wedding details with Jace…I heard him…I heard him ask you to be his be-st man…" My voice cracked as more tears spilled over, and I had to pause for a moment as I pulled myself together again.
"Clary, I'm sorry." Alec apologized gently as he took another step towards me and reached out his good arm.
"Don't!…" I snapped firmly as I attempted to take another step back, but my heel bumped into the bathtub; I couldn't back up anymore if I wanted to. I swatter more tears away quickly as I tried to keep myself together.
"…I'm not mad at you Alec…I'm not…I just…I'm sick of hearing about the wedding and I'm sick of Aline living my life…I tried…I tried so hard…I tried everything…He doesn't love me…He doesn't want to be with me…And I…I wish it wouldn't hurt so much…I wish I could just do something, anything to make it stop hurting." I sobbed as I finally fell apart all over again. I brought my hands to my face, and this time, as Alec put his arms around me, I didn't resist, I just collapsed against him.
"I didn't mean to make you cry again Clary."
"I know." I whispered.
What happened to me? I use to be stronger…and smarter. When did I become so insecure? When did I stop thinking with my head and start thinking with my heart? I didn't even know who I was anymore. My mother didn't raise me to be the kind of girl that changes who she is to try to get a guy. My mother sure as hell didn't raise me to be the kind of girl that sleeps with a man that's engaged to another woman, and she definitely didn't raise me to take chances by having unprotected sex. Then there was Gab. I might be able to argue I was blinded by love and made some very poor choices when it came to Jace, but I had no excuses for Gab at all.
"Clary…You need to get away from that apartment…From Jace…Come stay at my parents…In a couple weeks school starts and I'll be heading back to Berkeley. Why don't you spend the next two weeks with me? You can go back to the apartment when school starts if you still want to live there, but you need to take a step back from all of this and catch your breath…It will be better for Jace too…You're there all the time, he doesn't realize what he's losing by marrying Aline." I felt a shiver surge through my body. I didn't want to leave my apartment. Realistically, I knew why I should leave, I knew I should have left weeks ago, but it wasn't the apartment I was holding on to so ferociously, it was what it symbolized, hope. I wasn't ready to give up hope yet.
After everything that happened, I still didn't want to admit defeat; I couldn't bring myself to let go. It was obvious that last night was a bigger deal to me than it was to Jace, a much bigger deal, and that alone caused an even greater turmoil within me. While my heart was fighting that much more fiercely for Jace, my mind was trying relentlessly to reason with me that it was time to just give up. There wasn't anything more I could do, I had fought my hardest, I had tried everything, and it was time to concede that I'd never win Jace's heart. Maybe Alec was right though, maybe Jace would realize what he was losing if I gave him some space, but I just didn't know how much more heartache I could really take in the meantime. I could already feel it happening, I could already foresee the outcome to the ensuing battle between my heart and my mind, and I tried not to fixate on that one pivotal point my mind kept turning over and over; the fact that Jace had left. The fact he wasn't there when I woke up this morning. Why did he leave? I felt my chest tighten, felt my heart harden, and I could almost swear a few more walls went up around my aching heart.
"Ok." I whispered softly as tears just trickled over. Alec let out a breath of relief.
"It's for the best…You'll see." I gave another weak nod as the war raged on within me. All I had right now was hope, and as much as it hurt to hold on to, I wasn't ready to let go just yet.
Jace's POV
I was completely incensed when I left Alec's hotel room. All I could think about was what Gideon had just said…
"…It's Clary's dress…Her shoes…Do you know if that's Clary's earring? Gab wasn't sure, but he found it in his bed…"
"In. His. Bed." I growled under my breath to myself. She was in his bed. I felt my stomach turn all over again, but I was too focused on finding Gab to throw up at the moment. I clenched Gab's flask and cell phone tighter in my hands as I stormed down the hallway. I noticed absentmindedly that Gab's jacket was dragging along the floor, but I really couldn't care less right now.
It wasn't that hard to find Gab, he was hiding in Gideon's hotel room. I had tried looking for him in his hotel room first, but Gideon's hotel room was my second guess. It took a bit of acting for me to convince them to open the door, and I was really surprised Gab believed me when I told him I just wanted to talk to him and I wanted to return his things. I said I had overacted when Gideon showed up, but Alec reasoned with me. Sure it was a complete lie, but it got them to open the door. Once I got into the room, I knew I had to act nonchalant about the whole thing if I wanted to find out what really happened. As much as I knew it wasn't any of my business, I just had to know, and I couldn't ask Clary. I gave Gab his things and sat down causally as I complained about my hangover. I really didn't need to encourage Gab to tell me what happened, because when he thought I didn't care, he seemed more than eager to give me the kind of graphic overview only Gab really likes to give about his escapades.
I would have settled for the abridged version, but I think he thought it was funny, the way he boasted and tried to get me riled up. Gideon even tried to rein him in a couple times, but Gab just ignored his attempts. Gab really loves to brag, which is why I was pretty confident I could get the story out of him. I would have thought he'd have known better than to be so laid-back about the whole situation. He even went so far as to joke that his impatience surprised him, it was a rookie mistake not to wait longer for the alcohol to kick in a little more, not to finish the bottle of Champaign. Another drink or two and he would have easily sealed the deal. The way he spoke so indifferently, had me further enraged. This wasn't just some meaningless girl he'd stolen from me at the bar the night before, this was Clary. When he seemed nearly done with his gloating and my blood had far surpassed its boiling point, I walked right up to him without a single word and knocked his lights out. Gideon got pretty pissed off at me, but Gab was only unconscious for a couple minutes tops. I stuck around to make sure he woke up and everything, I wasn't trying to kill him. Now he has a nice pair of black eyes, and hopefully he got the point to stay away from Clary. I didn't set out to scare every guy away from Clary, but this was Gab, this was different. If he had feelings at all, I couldn't believe he had feelings for her, not after the way he spoke about her, not after the way he treated her so poorly. If she had feelings for him, which I highly doubted, I knew he'd just break her heart anyway.
Just as I was walking out of Gideon's hotel room I got a text from Alec.
Get your ass outside or find your own way home.
I grabbed my bags out of my hotel room before heading down to checkout. I leisurely sauntered over to Alec's car and noticed Max leaning up against it with his DS in hand. He glanced up at me with a scowl.
"Where's Alec?" I mumbled as I leaned up against the car next to him.
"Screw you." He snapped back.
"Who pissed in your Cheerios?" I mumbled as I closed my eyes.
"You better bring me today to get my new phone." I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked down at him.
"Why would I bring you to get a new phone?"
"You said…You said you'd bring me…You can't back out now…Not after what I did for you." I looked at him skeptically with one eyebrow raised.
"What the hell are you talking about? What did you do for me? And why do you even need a new phone? Didn't you just get a new phone in April for your birthday?" His eyebrows pulled together quizzically as he reached his hand into his backpack and pulled out his phone in a number of pieces.
"What the hell happened to your phone?" I asked incredulously as I reached out and grabbed the largest piece.
"You can't pretend you don't remember breaking my phone just to get out of bringing me down to get a new one."
"Are you saying I did this? I don't even know how I could have broken your phone into pieces like this." He just crossed his arms over his chest.
"You seriously don't remember?" I shook my head and scratched the back of my neck.
"I seriously don't remember breaking your phone." He smirked an impish smirk.
"So you don't remember why you broke my phone?" I furrowed my eyebrows at him.
"No…Why would I break your phone on purpose?" He just broke out with a huge smile.
"Because you were really really drunk." He responded with a chuckle as he took the phone back and shoved it into his bag.
"Were you being a really really big pain in the ass at the time?" He gave an evasive shrug.
"Give me fifty bucks and I'll tell you what happened?" I furrowed my eyebrows at him.
"You expect me to give you fifty bucks and buy you a new phone? I don't think so. You tell me what happened for free, and if I believe you, I'll buy you the phone." Max shook his head.
"No deal. I'll tell mom and dad if you don't buy me a new phone…And I want something good…Like the new IPhone…I don't want a cheapass phone."
"Max, aren't you a little old to be such a tattletale?…And your phone wasn't even that expense, why would I get you an IPhone?"
"I don't call it being a tattletale, I call it blackmail…How about you give me twenty bucks, I'll tell you what happened, and if you don't want me to tell everybody, then you buy me the new phone?" He argued as he crossed his arms over his chest. I rolled my eyes as I pulled out my wallet. He was such a pain in the ass sometimes. Unfortunately, getting information from Max was even ten times harder than getting information out of Izzy. At least Izzy you could attempt to appeal to her compassionate side, Max didn't really have a compassionate side. With him, it was all about personal gain.
"Shit…I forgot…I don't have any cash." Max shook his head.
"I can't believe you don't carry any cash in your wallet." I cast him a little glare.
"I carry cash, just…Forget it…" I snapped my wallet closed and shoved it my pocket.
"Just tell me what happened and I'll owe you."
"I don't know…" He replied melodramatically. I cast him a glare and he chuckled.
"…Fine-" Of course that's when I caught sight of her and temporarily forgot all about Max.
"Clary!..." I exclaimed a bit too enthusiastically.
Clary's POV
I was finally dressed, my bags were all packed, but I was dragging my feet to leave. I remembered seeing a cufflink this morning when I woke up the first time, where the hell did it go? I remembered reaching for it, but then I got distracted by the condom wrapper, and at some point as I cried myself back to sleep, I forgot all about the cufflink until now. I had wanted to see if it belonged to Jace, I didn't want to leave it here if it was his. The longer I looked, the more I just started to fixate on the fact I couldn't find it. Where did it go? It couldn't have just evaporated into thin air.
"Clary…" The sound of Alec's abrupt voice startled me and I hit my head on the bed's box spring.
"…If you just tell me what you're looking for, I'll help you find it?" I scurried back out from underneath the bed and rubbed my sore head. Alec was standing by the door looking down at his watch impatiently, while I had been nearly halfway under the bed looking for a stupid cufflink that may or may not be Jace's.
"I'm not looking for anything specific Alec, I told you, I just want to make sure I don't forget anything." Alec raised an eyebrow at me skeptically.
"Sure…Well I think you searched the room thoroughly, let's go." I took an exasperated breath as I reluctantly stood up and dusted off my knees. I grabbed my bag and gave the room one more glance before I followed Alec. What the hell happened to that cufflink?
Alec had sent Jace and Max a text telling them to meet us by the car as we headed down to reception to quickly check out. The first time I saw Jace was when we got outside, and as I approached him hesitantly, I was overcome by an overabundance of emotions. Max and Jace were both leaning up against the side of Alec's car talking to each other, but when Jace glanced up and saw me, he looked a combination of excited and relieved.
"Clary…" Jace started as he headed right over to me. The smile that lit up his face caused me to smile in return, I couldn't help it, I felt the hope within me start to grow, but as he approached he looked much more apprehensive.
"…Did you need a hand with your bag?" I glanced down at my small duffle bag. Was he serious?
"No, I'm fine thanks." He just nodded and crossed his arms over his chest. He seemed to cover the last few steps between us so slowly.
"I missed you…Last night I mean…I missed you last night." He stumbled over his words. I couldn't help it when the corner of my lips curved up further.
"You did?" He smiled as he reached out and pushed a curl behind me ear.
"Yeah…Of course…You never danced with me." I felt my breath catch as the memories rushed back to me. Those were the same exact words I remembered him saying last night when I woke up with his arms around me: You never danced with me. As my mind started to replay Jace kissing my neck and his arms crisscrossing over my stomach, I had to pull myself from the memory. I was at a loss for words, I couldn't respond. I couldn't be sure what he was saying. Did he not remember last night, or was he trying to tell me subtly that he remembered and he missed me when he left? He just looked down at me quietly for a long moment, his eyes searching my face, his fingers gently playing with my hair.
How many times have I gotten lost looking into Jace's eyes? While my mind reprimanded me, my heart did cartwheels. I waited, wondering what he'd say next, wondering if he'd try to tell me subtly why he left, wondering his thoughts about what was going on between us. As the battle continued within me, I found that for every blissful memory, I could recall just as equally painful one. With the subtle scent of his cologne that caught every now and then on the breeze, and the gaze of his eyes, it just intensified the memories of every touch and every kiss we shared. Although, my mind taunted me relentlessly with memories of the conversation I had eavesdropped on earlier, and the indisputable point that he had left. At the moment however, I was too lost in Jace's eyes to let anything upset me. Of course, knowing Max was standing just off to the side, well within earshot range, destroyed any thoughts that Jace and I might have a real conversation right now about what happened.
"Just kiss her already, you know you want to." Max taunted sarcastically as he bumped into me. He pushed me right into Jace, and Jace's arms quickly came around me to steady me. I found my pulse accelerating from a combination of the feel of Jace's hands pressed against my back and the way his cologne ignited my senses. A small spark of hope burst into flames, but as I looked back up into Jace's eyes, there was a look of panic and anxiety in his gaze. Just as quickly as his arms had come around me, they dropped, and he leapt away from me like I had physically shocked him. Jace glanced around the parking lot anxiously.
"Cool it Max…You say that in front of the wrong person, you'll get me in deep shit with Aline." There was urgency in Jace's voice. The hope inside me subsided as quickly as it had ignited. I was always setting myself up to be knocked down.
I side stepped Jace silently as I walked towards Alec's car. I climbed into the backseat, right behind the driver's seat, only to sit down directly on Max's hand.
"Max!" I spat incredulously as I swatted his hand out of the way.
"Oops, sorry…I wasn't paying attention." He responded with a huge grin.
"Life's going to suck if I accidentally break your hand Max." My empty threat didn't appear to faze him as he merely smirked back at me. Jace and Alec climbed into the car and I noticed absentmindedly that Jace had climbed into the driver's seat.
"I don't think your little ass can break my hand…" I looked over at him less than amused.
"….And that's my left hand…" Max continued as he held up the offending hand.
"…I can afford to have you break my left hand…My right hand however…" He held up his right hand and looked down at it a little too fondly.
"…Well I'd really be hurting if you broke my right hand…If you catch my drift." Max quipped as he looked over at me and raised his eyebrows up and down at me suggestively. I just rolled my eyes.
"You're so gross Max."
"Max, chill out…" Jace snapped. I might have been harder on Max myself, but Jace was always snapping at him, and I just couldn't bring myself to yell at him for every single immature thing he did.
"…My head feels like it's about ready to explode and I'm fighting the urge of throw up right now." Jace drawled lazily as he backed out of the parking spot.
"Did you want me to drive?" I asked gently. I glanced up and met Jace's eyes in the rearview mirror. He gave me a small smile and a slight shake of his head.
"No, I'm alright…Thanks." I leaned my head against the window and tried to fall asleep. It was a good forty-five minute drive back to the Lightwoods' house, which is where I had left my car. I wasn't looking forward to having to drive another forty-five minutes in the other direction to get to the apartment, but I tried not to dwell on that right now. The car ride continued on quietly, eerily so, we didn't even have the radio on, but considering how badly my head hurt right now, the silence was welcomed.
"So Clary…" Alec's voice was soft, but seeing as I was just about to fall asleep, it sounded way too loud.
"…How did you get your purse back?" I furrowed my eyebrows at him.
"It was in the room when I woke up, you didn't…" I just trailed off. Crap. Did Jace bring my purse back?
"No…" Alec uttered thoughtfully, but the quick look he exchanged with Jace before he continued was unmistakable.
"…It wasn't-"
"Oh, I brought Clary's purse back." Max interjected with a wink and a little cheeky click. I could feel my cheeks just burning.
"You came into the room while I was sleeping?" I asked heavily. Max just raised his eyebrows up and down at me suggestively.
"Did you really bring Clary back her purse?" Jace questioned from the front seat.
"Yeah…Saw it on the floor…by her chair I'm guessing…it was late…I hadn't seen her for a while, so I figured I'd bring it to her."
"How did you know she was in my room? And how did you even get in my room?" Alec questioned from the front seat.
"Ran into Gideon, he gave me your keycard." Max responded evenly as he leaned his head against the window. Alec and Jace exchanged another look.
"Did you really go in my room last night?" Alec questioned as he dug his cell out of his pocket. Max crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes.
"Yeah." My cheeks felt like they were on fire. If he came in the room in the middle of the night, was Jace still there? Max would have said something if Jace was still there, right?
"Max, that's so creepy." I mumbled.
"So did you leave your keycard in the room when you left?" Alec questioned heavily as he typed away on his phone. Max hesitated for a moment as he sat up.
"Yeah…I think so…I meant to…Want me to check?" He started to pull his wallet out.
"No…I'm sure you did…There was an extra keycard there this morning." Max put his wallet away and leaned his head back against the window. Jace was stopped at a light and Alec handed him his phone. Jace appeared to be reading a text from what I could tell and they exchanged another quick look as Jace handed the phone back. I wondered what the text was about. I wondered if it was about me, about last night. I was getting slightly paranoid at this point, but I tried not to overact. It was quiet for just a brief moment.
"Do you always sleep naked?" Max asked seemingly nonchalantly with his eyes still closed. My cheeks felt like they were on fire.
"No! I wasn't sleeping naked Max!" I snapped a little too defensively.
"Now, I'd say I'll draw you a mental picture of what I saw, but that won't prove anything seeing I've already seen you naked before…The curtains don't exactly match the carpet anymore now do they?"
"Enough Max." Jace growled from the driver's seat.
"So any reason in particular why were you sleeping naked Clary?" Max asked heavily.
"I was not naked!" I snapped.
"Was to."
"Was not."
"Was to."
"Shut up Max!…I know you're lying, because Clary has a Brazilian bikini waa-" Jace caught himself mid-word, but way too late all the same.
"Not helpful." I growled under my breath. Max just laughed.
"A little slow there Jace…But sounded a lot like you were about to say Clary has a Brazilian bikini wax?..." Max taunted as he redirected his gaze to me.
"…How does he know how you keep the grounds landscaped?" He questioned heavily.
"You're such a pig Max." I muttered as I slouched further in my seat.
"Wait... How would you know that Clary has a bikini wax?" Alec questioned heavily as he looked at Jace. I rolled my eyes and answered before Jace even could.
"Because he and Max both like to pick the lock while I'm in the shower." I snapped.
"Hey, that wasn't my fault. You always let me come in when you're showering. I forgot…" Jace just trailed off.
"Not. Helpful!" I growled through clenched teeth slightly mortified.
"Why won't you just admit that you and Clary are fuck friends?" Max goaded. I wanted to die. My cheeks were probably crimson right now.
"Maxwell , knock it off!" Jace snapped. Max rolled his eyes.
"I don't see what the big deal is." Max mused softly as he looked over at me heavily. I was starting to really wonder if Max was just on some crazy friends with benefits kick or if he knew more than he was saying.
"Max…How many times do I have to tell you that Jace and I are not fu-…friends with benefits." I retorted.
"I'll just sit here and let my imagination run wild, and might I say, I have a very sexually active imagination." I glowered at Max. He raised his eyebrows up and down at me suggestively before he closed his eyes and leaned his head back. I scoffed.
"I'm not moving in with you Alec. I can't live with that."
"Wait…Were you going to seriously move out?" Jace questioned from the front seat. I just slouched in my seat and crossed my arms over my chest.
"I see the pros and cons…" Max started, his eyes still closed.
"…I mean on the one hand, there's the convenience aspect if you stay at the apartment…and more importantly, he won't have to compete with me…" I rolled my eyes. Was there really enough room in this car for both Max's and Jace's egos?
"What the hell are you going on about?" Jace snapped. Max didn't acknowledge him as he continued.
"…But on the other hand…It would be less conspicuous if Jace was banging you at the house."
"Max!" Alec, Jace, and I all scolded in unison.
"Seriously…What's the big deal?" Max muttered under his breath. I just slouched further in my seat. I had no idea what he saw last night, but I was really beginning to think he saw something.
Jace's POV
I took my time climbing out of the car when we got back to my parents' house, but everybody seemed to be dragging their feet, except Max, which was exactly who I wanted to talk to. It was a little bit of an effort, but I managed to corner him in his room.
"Hey!" I uttered as I put my hand out to keep Max from closing his door on my face.
"Shit!..." Max exclaimed was a chuckle.
"…I didn't realize you were right behind me." I walked into his room, shutting and locking the door behind us. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at him heavily.
"Start talking...You owe me a story." He chuckled.
"Where's my money?..." I just glared at him and he chuckled again.
"…Ok, ok…You'll owe me…Sooo…" He paused dramatically and I let out an exasperated breath.
"Max!" I snapped impatiently. He chuckled.
"I caught you red handed-" I furrowed my eyebrows as I cut him off.
"What?"
"Yeah…I snapped a couple compromising pictures of you with my phone and you got pissed off. You were so drunk you couldn't figure out how to delete the pictures, so you threw my phone off the balcony, it shattered on the pavement in the parking lot." I just continued to furrow my eyebrows as I lowered my voice and leaned in closer to Max.
"What exactly do you mean you caught me red handed?" He smirked.
"Well I didn't catch you in the act or anything, but close enough. You were pretty much naked when you were chasing me down the hallway trying to get my phone from me…We can probably go back to the hotel if you want to get the security tape, but they might not let you back on the premises ever again…" He jested with a chuckle. Nice.
"…Don't sweat it though, I'm not going to say anything to the princess and nobody else saw you…You were hilarious though…It would almost be worth going back to the hotel to see if they had footage of you running down the hallway with your junk all hanging out, trying to pull on your pants while you juggled an armful of clothes…" I just cringed. Lovely.
"…Of course you dropped half of what you were carrying as you chased me down the hall." He just laughed. It kind of made sense. If Max snapped a few compromising pictures of me basically naked, I probably would have done something stupid like throw his phone off the balcony if I couldn't delete the evidence.
"Did you see me come out of Alec's room by chance?" The words were out of my mouth before I could catch myself and Max's eyes just twinkled mischievously as his signature impish smirk pulled across his face. I realized the question was stupid as soon as I asked it, because if Max had caught me sneaking out of Alec's room basically naked, he wouldn't be able to shut up about it. Besides, asking Max a direct question never results in a direct answer. I should have just plainly asked if he knew which room I had come out of. He already knew Clary slept in Alec's room last night, so I could just see his little wheels spinning.
"Holy shit…" Max exclaimed heavily.
"…Did you actually just admit that you two are fuck friends?" I glared daggers at him, even though I knew I set myself up for that. Just about the time he hit puberty, he was convinced that because Clary and I lived together, it meant we were sleeping together.
"Seriously Max, you have to stop saying that…" I scolded forcefully.
"…You're going to get me in a lot of trouble with Aline if she hears something like that…I mean a lot of trouble…Like she'll call off the wedding Max…" I took a deep breath and ran my hand through my hair before I continued on more calmly.
"…I'll bring you to get a new phone, alright?…But not today…I feel like crap…Just please…Give it a rest about Clary and me…Whatever you think is going on between us, you're wrong…Ok?…We're friends, good friends, best friends, just leave it at that." I went to turn towards the door.
"What's so great about Aline? Why do you want to marry her?" I stopped in my tracks. I cracked my neck as I turned back towards him and crossed my arms over my chest. Max didn't like Aline, I knew he didn't. She wasn't all that friendly towards him either. I knew he could go a little overboard at times, but he was just a kid. It was sad really. I was really close with my little brother, and Aline never wanted me to bring him along if we were going anywhere, and she discouraged me from having him over the apartment.
"Max, I can't explain to you why I'm marrying Aline, you're just a kid, you won't understand." He rolled his eyes.
"Fine!…Marry Aline…I've been waiting for you to get out of the picture for a while now so I could make my move on Clary anyway." Although my lips curved up, I suppressed the urge to laugh at Max's undeniable crush on Clary. I couldn't believe that once my little brother finally started to notice girls, his first crush was on my Clary.
"You like Clary a lot, don't you?" I questioned with an amused smirk. I reached out and ruffled his hair, but he quickly dodged out from underneath my hand with a little glare.
"Stop that!…I'm not a little kid." He sputtered under his breath.
"No you're not, you're fifteen now, you're getting way too old to tease girls you're interested in Max…You'll never win a girl over by tormenting them-"
"But you're always a sarcastic asshole and girls love you." I raised my eyebrows in amusement.
"Did you just call me an asshole?..." I asked sarcastically as I reached out and grabbed Max playfully in a head lock. I ruffled his hair as he protested and flailed about.
"…When you look like I do you can be an asshole and girls will still swoon over you." I quipped as I finally released Max. He scowled at me and crossed his arms over his chest.
"I've been going to the gym…I'm getting really cut."
"Sure you are…" I teased in a patronizing tone as I nodded. He just scowled further.
"…But until you look like me, why don't you try to be a little more of a gentleman… Girls like nice guys, polite guys…Girl's like it if you compliment them…Hold the door for them…Give them flowers…Do things that let them know you pay attention to their likes and dislikes…Listen to them when they're upset…Why don't you try complementing Clary today without creeping her out?" I suggested with a smirk and a wink. Sure I was giving him false hope, but Clary would appreciate it if Max grew up a bit. She tolerated his adolescent behavior with the patience of a saint, but I'm sure she was just as eager for him to outgrow this phase as the rest of us. Max's face just lit up.
"Do you really think I'd have a chance with Clary?" I couldn't keep a straight face, I just started chuckling.
"No…" His whole face fell and he looked pissed. I tried to quickly compose myself. I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder, like our father often did to me when he was trying to give me advice. The last couple years were hard on Max. It started when I moved out, which he took really hard. Then Alec went off to college and Izzy started to travel all the time. Once the three of us were hardly ever home, our father started staying at his apartment at Yale more then just during the work week, he started staying there for the whole semester, only coming home during winter and summer break. This last year, he decided to teach over the summer too. He was home so little, and I really felt for Max, I knew this was the time in his life he really needed our dad, and he wasn't there.
"…But you'll win another girl that way Max...I promise…You don't want to be like me. You don't want to be an asshole. You want to be the nice guy…Trust me." I gave his shoulder a little squeeze before I turned and left his room.
Clary's POV
Just after we all got back to the Lightwoods', I was trying my hardest to get in my car and leave, but Maryse seemed to convince me to stay for a late brunch. I don't even know how she talked me into staying, I could argue it was my own fault for going inside, but what was I supposed to do, I had to use the bathroom. There was something off about Jace from the moment we walked in the door, an obvious tension between us, but I'm sure I wasn't helping the situation. The slightest touch of his skin against mine would send my body into overdrive. He didn't even need to touch me, every time he so much as stood too close to me and I could smell his cologne or feel the heat his body gave off, or I gazed in his eyes too long, every nerve in my body just went crazy. I found myself overanalyzing every interaction between us, trying so hard to interpret everything from the simplest words he spoke to me, to the slightest glance we shared. I had the crushing feeling that Jace was avoiding me, but maybe I was overreacting.
When I sat down at the table to eat, Jace sat down right next to me. I tried not to read into it too much, seeing as it had become a routine some time ago for Jace and I to sit in these exact same seats whenever we ate at his parents'. He didn't appear all that comfortable to be sitting next to me however; his leg twitched so bad that he shook the floor, and he was clearly avoiding talking to me or looking at me. We were just plating our food as I was talking with Alec about the courses he was going to be taking in the upcoming semester, and I hadn't been paying close attention as I reached for the salt at the same time that Jace did. The back of our hands ever so gently touched, but that's all it took for my heart rate to soar; it had been like this every time Jace touched me.
"Sorry." Jace and I both responded in unison as we whipped our heads towards each other and he jerked his hand away from mine. My hand lingered just shy of the salt shaker, its objective forgotten as our eyes locked. I tried to keep up the walls, but it didn't take long for them to begin tumbling down. Those eyes, I'd looked in those golden eyes last night while we made love. I loved those eyes, I loved the way he touched me, I loved the way he kissed me, and I loved the way his body made mine feel.
"Clary?" I jumped at the sound of Maryse's voice.
"Yes." I looked down the table at her and she chuckled.
"I didn't mean to startle you…" I could feel heat flooding to my cheeks.
"…I was just asking you when you were heading up to see your mother…I spoke to her just the other day and she said she was expecting you around your birthday…I have a box of things I've put together for her, if you wouldn't mind bringing them up."
"I…" I don't know why, but I could just feel Jace's eyes on the back of my head. I wanted so badly to turn and look at him again, but I didn't.
"…I'm planning on leaving on the twenty-eighth actually, the day after my birthday, and coming back on Labor Day." I had taken my birthday off too, and I could always drive up the night before or at some point on my birthday, but there was a sick and twisted part of me that was still hoping that I might do something with Jace for my birthday.
"Well, we're all heading out next Saturday to go to the lake, and you're welcome to come up for as long as you want. I'd love you to come for the whole week, but I imagine your mother is dying to see you. Maybe you can squeeze in a few days with us before you head up to see your mom?" She sounded so hopeful, but I had no intention of tagging along on their family vacation, even if I had on several previous years.
"Maybe." I replied with a small smile. Her gaze drifted passed me.
"Jace, you said Aline wasn't going to be able to make it?" I looked over at Jace and met his eyes for just a brief moment before he redirected his gaze to his mother.
"No…She used up most of her leave for the move, and she wants to save the little bit she has left for Christmas, if not for wedding stuff, so…" He just trailed off.
"But you'll be there, right?" He glanced at me again quickly before he redirected his gaze to his mother. His leg seemed to start twitching even crazier under the table.
"Sorry mom, but I'm not heading up this year."
"But Jace, it's the last time we'll all be together before Alec heads back to school, you and Clary start classes, and Izzy starts her fall fashion shows. You have to come." Jace's gaze shifted to me and he seemed to be talking to me more than his mother at this point.
"I'm sorry…I just can't." He jumped up from the table and jetted out of the room. The room fell into an awkward silence briefly before Maryse left to go and check on Jace.
Jace's POV
I shoved my hands into my hair as I stormed out of the dinning room. I held onto two fistfuls of hair as I paced down the hallway. I was freaking out. I was trying to stay away from Clary, trying to do what I promised Aline I would, but it was virtually impossible. I didn't know what it was, but I thought yesterday was bad, today was worse, so much worse. It felt like my senses were just that much more heightened today. Like Clary's fragrance; I always liked the way she smelled, her usual combination of her lotion and her shampoo, but today it was driving me insane. She didn't even smell like herself, she smelled so different, probably from using the hotel stuff, but I'd never been this attuned to Clary's fragrance before. Then the touch of her skin, there was something about it I couldn't even explain. Why was it setting my body on fire every time I touched her in the slightest? Why couldn't I even stand next to her without virtually breaking a sweat? It wasn't like this yesterday, it wasn't this bad.
It didn't help matters that my mind was playing tricks on me. These faint nagging thoughts tickled the back of my mind ever since Max found my cufflinks, ever since he said what he said in the car. I couldn't even tell if it was all just my imagination or if I was really having faint memories, more like slivers of memories. It was really just the tiniest glimpses, more like a couple blurry photographs, hardly a memory, but it was of Clary. I had so many dreams of sleeping with her over the years that I couldn't help thinking that my faint memories were just memories of a dream, not even necessarily one I had last night. After seeing her naked yesterday, it was hard to keep my dreams and my fantasies separated, it was just as likely the images flashing through my mind were thoughts I was having at this very moment. Although, I couldn't help wondering, what if I was wrong?
I'd never gotten so drunk before that I didn't remember anything at all. Was it possible that the reason I didn't think I remembered anything was because what I was remembering I couldn't even fathom were really memories? Fuck. I couldn't have slept with Clary. I was wrong. I had to be wrong. I would have remembered. God, please say I would have remembered. The way she looked at me though, was I imagining it all? She looked at me differently today, deeper, more intimately. Was I just imagining it? I felt like her eyes could see into the depths of my soul. Why did I love her looking at me like that so damn much? Did she know how much she was killing me by looking at me the way she was?
I wish I knew if Max really went into Alec's room last night and found Clary in there naked. I just felt like that would be a very crucial point. Alec had sent Gideon a text in the car, and Gideon confirmed he saw Max with Clary's purse, and he confirmed he gave Max Alec's keycard. Seeing as Clary's purse was in her room this morning, it would appear Max told the truth about going in Alec's room last night. She said she wasn't naked, but why would Max lie about something like that? Clary doesn't tend to lie to me, but maybe she wasn't lying to me, not directly, maybe she was lying for Alec's sake. Maybe if I asked her privately she'd just tell me the truth, but that would mean being alone with her, which would mean breaking my promise to Aline. Shit! On the other hand, if I had slept with Clary, keeping my promise to Aline would become insignificant. Ahhhh! I couldn't have had sex with Clary and not remembered, I just couldn't have.
Maybe Max lied. Maybe he brought Clary back her purse, but made the rest up. He likes to get a rise out of her, and telling Alec and I that she was sleeping naked, clearly got a rise out of her. He's such a little instigator and he loves twisting the facts. He might not have even seen me last night. I couldn't remember what I said in front of him in Alec's room this morning. Did he know I cheated on Aline? If he really just found my cufflink in the hallway, he could have created this whole elaborate lie around that miniscule detail. Knowing how devious he can be, I wouldn't put it passed him to lie just to con me into buying him a new phone. If Max lied, and he never saw me running down the hall practically naked, and he never saw Clary naked, then that puts me back at square one, with absolutely nothing to go on.
I just needed more time with Clary. I needed more time to talk to her, more time to figure things out, but how was I suppose to do that when I promised Aline I wouldn't be alone with her. Dammit! I didn't know what I was going to do. I had to figure out a way to ask Clary about last night without coming across like the biggest asshole that ever lived. I was really afraid to admit to her that I didn't remember what happened, because this was Clary, my Clary. How the hell was I supposed to ask her what happened? Hey, I had sex with somebody last night, was it you? Fuck! And what if I was wrong? What if it was just my mind playing tricks on me? I couldn't admit to Clary I had sex last night, ask her if it was with her, and be wrong. I just couldn't. That would be horrible. Son of a bitch!
"Jace…" I jumped from the combination of my mother's voice and her sudden hand on my shoulder.
"…Is everything alright?" My mother! This was hard enough on me without her blatant meddling. I crossed my arms over my chest as I glared resentfully at her.
"You have to stop trying to push me to be with Clary…Just lay off." I lashed out hostilely at her. She looked completely taken aback.
"What?" She sounded so abashed. I wasn't even mad at my mother; I was just so confused and frustrated right now.
"I'm not going to the lake without Aline…I'm not going up there so you can try to force me to be with Clary." She furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head.
"Jace honey-" Of course yelling at her wasn't making me feel better, I felt worse, but I just couldn't seem to stop myself.
"Don't! Don't try to deny it! Alec told me…He told me you all think I'm marrying the wrong girl…What do you guys do, sit around and talk about me behind my back, talk about how immense of a mistake you think I'm making?" I snapped defensively.
"Jace." Her gentle voice wasn't soothing me; it just seemed to provoke me further. She tried to reach her hand out towards me, but I took a step back out of her reach.
"Just stop it…I know you love Clary…You always have, but I don't, and I'm marrying Aline!" I felt sick to my stomach as I stormed away from her. I felt horrible for talking to her that way, but I felt even worse for what I said about Clary. I couldn't really describe the feeling that overcame me, but saying I didn't love Clary, instantaneously inundated every fiber of my being with an overall sensation of wrongness right down to my core.
Clary's POV
I picked at my food as I waited for Jace and Maryse to return, but I couldn't stand this. I needed to talk to Jace about what had happened the night before, things were so awkward between us, and I really couldn't wait any longer. I made a lame excuse that I had to use the bathroom and easily slipped out of the dining room. I headed out in the same direction Jace and Maryse had, but I only heard the very end of their conversation.
"Just stop it…I know you love Clary…You always have, but I don't, and I'm marrying Aline."
I gasped slightly as I felt my heart break even more. Jace stormed down the hallway in the direction of his bedroom, disappearing inside and slamming the door behind him. I tried to slip away in the direction I had come, tried to hold back the tears until I could get into the nearest bathroom, but that's when Maryse caught up to me.
I managed to hold back the tears as I talked to Maryse; after crying so much today, after being knocked down every time I tried to get back up again, holding back the tears seemed a little easier. I was starting to almost feel desensitized to it all, almost, as the walls continued to go up around my heart. She questioned if I had been eavesdropping and I lied and said I hadn't. Even lying was coming easier to me.
I tried to politely tell Maryse I was going to head home, but she talked me into staying. She argued she already had a big dinner planned and I had missed the last two, so I couldn't miss another one. Before long I was back in the dining room again. I pushed my food around on my plate, not really eating anything; I was too stressed to eat. I tried to act unaffected by Jace's absence as I engaged in trivial conversation, but all I could think about was Jace. I tried to ignore the glares that Mr. Lightwood was blatantly casting me, but I saw them all the same. I tried not to make it look too obvious as my eyes often flitted to Jace's untouched plate of food sitting next to me, but I couldn't believe that Jace was so worked up that he hadn't even come back for his food. I kept waiting for him to just come and grab his plate and take it to his room, but he never came. I couldn't wait for brunch to end. Each minute that ticked by just confirmed for me that Jace didn't want to be around me. It had probably been close to a half-hour since Jace left the dining room, maybe longer, and everybody was finally finishing up and leaving the table. I tried not to seem too eager as I stood up to bring my own barely touched plate of food into the kitchen. I didn't have the strength to confront Jace right now, not in his own home, not with his family here. I'd confront him later, alone, at the apartment. I planned on just telling someone, anyone really, that I didn't feel well and I was leaving, but of course Maryse intercepted me first.
"Clary, can you just check on Jace for me?" I felt a shiver course through me as goosebumps covered my body. I did not feel comfortable with that at all.
"Maryse, I don't know…" I trailed off as I shook my head, but she was already taking my plate from me and putting it down on the counter.
"He's so upset with me…" She admitted softly as she put her arm over my shoulders and started leading me out of the kitchen.
"…I know you can calm him down, you're always so good at talking to him." Her voice was slowly getting quieter and quieter as we walked down the hallway in the direction of Jace's bedroom.
"But Maryse…" I started to protest, grasping for any reason I could think of why I couldn't talk to Jace right now, although, my mind was drawing a blank at the moment.
"Thank you baby." She whispered tenderly as we approached his room. She placed a small kiss on my cheek and gave me a gentle push towards his door. Crap. I looked at Jace's door like the threshold to impending doom. As much as I needed to talk to Jace, I really didn't want to face him right now. I glanced over to Maryse one more time; she stood off to the side with her arms crossed over her chest. She gave me a small smile and an encouraging nod. I looked back at his door and reached my slightly shaking hand up for a small knock. No answer. I listened, but I didn't hear any sound coming from his room at all. I looked over to Maryse again and she mouthed just go in as she gestured me forward with both hands. I turned back to Jace's door and reached down for the doorknob.
A/N - Thank you all for such wonderful reviews and thank you so much for reading my story!