The Revelations of an Innocent Mind

CHAPTER 14: THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN

Sharing the house with Alice, Rosalie and Emmett made everything much happier. The saying 'the more, the merrier' couldn't have been more appropriate. The past days made me warm up to them, to the point that I even told a few jokes.

Emmett and Rosalie's relationship was one that veers towards flamboyant. They were never afraid to show each other what they felt. I was shocked when I arrived with Edward on Thursday from helping with Mother Elizabeth's congregation to find Emmett and Rosalie kissing in the living room unabashedly, even though Alice was there. Alice told me that when they were like that I should prepare myself because they were very much in love or making up after a huge fight. The make-up sessions, according to her, were more intense.

It was nice to see them so much in love. I wasn't that naïve not to know that they committed pre-marital sex. And although I grew up believing that it was a bad thing, seeing them so in love and happy made me question why it was considered wrong. What was wrong with showing your lover how much you love him? I then glanced at Edward, and I felt that yearning again mixed with envy. I'm aware that they were two of the deadly sins, but I couldn't help wishing that we were like that. However, Edward was still aloof. He merely glanced at them and went upstairs to his room. I sighed at my sadness, and Alice seemed to understand me again, offering me a hug.

By Friday, I was able to be more focused on helping the inmates. Sister Lauren even noted that I seemed inspired. Of course, I couldn't tell her that it was because I was in love, but I had hoped that I could. It was such a huge emotion that seemed hard to contain.

I then saw the southern inmate again, talking to himself as he sat alone.

I had approached him with a warm smile.

"Hi. You remember me?" I sat beside him. He had glanced at me with a crazy smile.

"Miss, long time, no see."

"Yeah, I haven't seen you in a while. I was just wondering though, about what we talked about last time – about Masen? What do you know about him?"

"Who's Masen?"

He was looking at me as though he had no clue what I was talking about.

"You were the one that told me he's like you, that he's a hired killer. What do you know about his past?"

He then stood and looked at me gravely.

"I'm sorry, Miss. I ain't no knowledge what yer talking about."

He walked away from me, leaving me confused, and questioning whether he was sane.

But overall, everything was great. I never thought I'd be happy with the company of criminals as my friends, but I was. There was nothing scary or different about them. I saw Alice, Rosalie, Emmett and Edward as ordinary people, who had hard circumstances and were trying to cope with life. I saw them as lost souls, who needed guidance and mercy from other people to get them back on the right path. I see them as people capable of love and compassion, but shunned by society merely because they were doing what others deemed wrong.

In actuality, what was wrong was not giving them a chance at a better life.

Emmett would be a great cop – one could not help but to feel safe around him with his massive frame and kind smile. And when I once talked to him, he told me he was a really good shot; he could aim to shoot a non-critical region of the body, so as to hurt but not kill someone.

Rosalie would be a great mechanic. She's really into cars, and it would be a tremendous success for a girl as beautiful as she is to be fixing cars. I could only imagine her and Emmett living as married couple and having a peaceful life.

Alice could be a celebrated artist. I don't have that much knowledge about art, but she had shown me one of her original pieces and it ignited my emotions just by looking at its beauty. It was abstract, and once she explained to me how the lines represented people always near each other but never touching, never getting a chance to be together, I had tears in my eyes.

And Edward … I could see so much for Edward. He could be used for intelligence by the FBI or a great musician, or anything that he wanted to be. He seemed really smart and detail-oriented since his friends always looked to him for guidance.

And it would make me the happiest person in the world if he changed his path.

Maybe it goes against what I was brought up to believe, but I was pretty sure that in the eyes of God, these people were equals. So even if they were sinful, no sin was too great not to be forgiven by the mercy of God. Only, if they were given second chances.

I could only imagine how lengthy the conversation I'd have with Father Ben would be when I get back to Forks. And for the first time, I could see myself arguing with him and not blindly agreeing with everything he said.

Well, that's if I'll go back.

I remembered when I was tending to Edward's wounds the first week that we met. I thought how hope is a dangerous thing. It truly is, because that's how I was feeling.

I was hoping he'd change his ways.

I was hoping he'd stop what he was doing.

I was hoping he'd glance at me the way I do at him.

I was hoping he'd tell me his past on his own.

I was hoping he'd love me back.

I was hoping…

However, I could safely say that there was something peculiar in the way Edward Cullen looked at me. It was as if his eyes, which before, were cold stone emeralds, now could show a softness when he glanced at me. I couldn't even remember him looking at me in a cold manner anymore, as if as soon as his eyes landed on mine, they would immediately soften.

Warm.

And I could tell that for him, I am a refreshing change. Just the way he acts around me is different. I could see him cordial with Emmett, Rosalie, and Alice. And maybe it was just my wishful thinking, but I feel as though he treats me differently. He is softer towards me.

Gentler.

Kinder.

As though whenever he was around me, he could lessen some of his sadness and be happier … He could laugh or smile.

It makes me fall deeper for him.

A week has passed since I have been staying at Edward's place along with his friends who were now also my new friends. I felt as though I was living in a dream and sometimes made me wonder when reality will come knocking at my doorstep.

I hadn't seen Jacob since the last time, and for that, I was glad. I still wasn't able to form a decision as to how I would react if I saw him again. And secretly, I hoped that he had finally given up on me.

On Monday morning, I woke up earlier than usual. I left Alice in our shared bed and walked downstairs, hoping to prepare a meal.

And that's when I heard two voices in the kitchen.

I was about to go back to give them their privacy, but I heard my name and I couldn't help but to eavesdrop.

I recognized Rosalie and Edward.

"… Bella. Edward, are you crazy? Give the poor girl a chance to breathe."

"Rosalie, it's not that easy. I wish I could easily give up on her. I've tried, and it was really hard."

"What? Don't tell me you've fallen for her?"

At that, my heartbeat accelerated. Could Edward have fallen for me too?

"I can't do that."

"Edward, you know damn well that she's into you. If you can't reciprocate her feelings, just give her up. You're using her, you selfish bastard."

He was silent for a few seconds. I felt my heart break. Maybe I was a masochist, because I still listened to them.

"I know Bella's in love with me, Rosalie. I can feel it. She may not realize it yet, but I do."

He knows? Why didn't he say anything?

"So, are you as well? Do you love her?"

"I can't. We still have two guys, and I can't lose focus now. Not now when I'm so close to finishing everything."

"So what? Are you just going to stay with her until you decide? Edward, I like Bella. She's the only person who has never judged us for what we do, and she treats us as her equals. Look at Alice – I've never seen her relate to anyone the way she does to her. She makes Alice feel needed, and you damn well know how important it is for Alice to connect with someone. And if you end up hurting and breaking Bella Swan, I swear to God I'll personally scald you, you selfish bastard."

They were both silent after that.

I contemplated getting back to my room, but I can't seem to move.

A few more moments passed until I heard Edward speak in a defeated voice.

He said, "I don't want to lose her, Rosalie. But I also don't know what to do. She makes me feel alive and hopeful. But I know I can't be what she wants me to be. I can't love her the same way she loves me. She doesn't yet know how she feels about me, so I will try to spend as much time as I can with her. You're right, Rosalie, I am a selfish bastard. I am using her, because I can't stay away, but I also can't return her feelings. And I know damn well I'll go straight to hell after this, but for the first time, I really don't know what to do. I sometimes want to forget everything and try to be with her, but what would I offer? I'm a rotten, sinful man. There is no future for us."

At that, I had to interrupt them before my heart broke anymore or before I started again with the stupid crying jag.

I made sure to count to ten before I greeted them a pleasant good morning.

Upon seeing me, their expressions were of shock and they were afraid I had heard everything. I tried to act nonchalant towards them.

"What's wrong? Are you that surprised to find me up so early?"

Edward had blinked twice before he spoke.

"Have you been here all along? Did you hear anything?"

Like how you can't decide if you love me or not, but can't escape my company and you have two more guys to kill?

"No. Do I need to hear anything? Do you want to tell me something?" I acted as if I had no idea what he meant and then proceeded to get moving so I could start cooking breakfast.

They were quiet for a few moments, until I felt Rosalie hug me from behind.

"I love you Bella, you know that? I love you so much."

I faced her with a sincere smile on my face.

"I love you too, Rosalie. You, Alice and Emmett are true friends to me." I then looked pointedly at Edward as I said, "I can't thank Edward enough for making me meet all of you."

We then hugged each other, and she helped me with the breakfast preparation.

I cried a little when I was chopping the onions, and when Rosalie noticed, I used the lame excuse of the onions stinging my eyes.

What she didn't know is that my heart was breaking instead.

Going to work and distancing myself from Edward seems to be the best course for me. I was quiet the whole ride to work. He asked me once if I was all right and I said yes. I told him I was just feeling a little down today, maybe I was homesick. He never questioned me after that. I think he jumped to the conclusion quite easily, which is what I hoped.

I wasn't distracted at work – on the contrary, I was much more focused. I tried to clear my mind of any decisions. And although I was focused, Jessica had also asked me if I was okay, pointing out that I wasn't smiling as I usually did. I told her the exact excuse that I told Edward, and she bought it easily.

But really, what would I do now? Edward feels that there is no hope for us. I hadn't tried yet to convince him to stop with what he was doing. I'm in love with him, which makes me want to ignore my pride and self-worth and stay with him, pretending he didn't know what I felt towards him. But I know I should do something. I just can't sit back and let him hurt me.

Hurt.

Alice had cautioned me of this.

I feel as if my heart was breaking into tiny pieces.

Knowing that Edward is aware that I love for him is even more painful. He intended to spend time with me, never having any plan to let on that how he felt about me.

Edward is cruel.

And just my luck, I have fallen for a cruel man.

Because if he will only tell me to stop loving him for he doesn't feel the same way towards me, I will not hope anymore. But no, he told Rosalie that he couldn't love me; not that he doesn't love me. That makes me hope that he will eventually realize he could fall in love with me.

What would I do then?

Ask him to stop being a hitman?

Ask him to stay with me?

Could I live with the guilt of knowing I forced him out of this life and that he didn't do it willingly? That it wasn't sincere?

It makes me feel numb.

I don't know what to do, and I just don't want to dwell on anything.

And just my luck today is the day that Jacob decided to finally show up.

I was in front of the cashier and had just finished taking the latest order when Jacob suddenly appears in front of me. He is wearing his usual expensive clothing, sporting sunglasses to hide the yellowish bruises Edward had left on his face.

Upon seeing him, I felt nothing.

Numb.

It wasn't how I expected I would feel.

But at that time, I was still numb from what I heard from Edward, and so even though I should have been scared, or mad at Jacob, I couldn't summon any emotion for him.

"What do you want to order, Sir," I stated, treating him as our usual customer. Jessica eyed us cautiously but didn't say anything.

"Bella, can we please talk?" He pleaded.

I didn't buy his act for one instant.

"Sir, I'm afraid if you aren't order anything, you have to leave the shop."

"Please, Bella, don't act as though you don't know me. I'm really sorry for what happened, I was just … can we please talk?"

"Next customer, please."

Right then, Mike showed up.

"Oh, Mr. Black, good to see you here. You want to talk to Miss Swan?"

I forgot Jacob and Mike were in a phone pal relationship.

"Yes, please, Mr. Newton. I won't keep her long."

"Talk to her as long as you want. Jessica," he called Jessica who immediately approached us, "can you handle the cashier for a few minutes?"

"Of course, Mike. Err, Sir."

I mechanically removed my apron and walked out from behind the counter. I strode to the farthest seat and sat there as Jacob immediately took a seat across from me.

I crossed my arms over my chest, waiting for him to speak, still having no emotions.

He grasped his hair, trying to phrase what he wanted to say, before he finally spoke.

"I had been drinking that day because it was my mother's death anniversary. Every year that day comes I just can't seem to handle it. I'm sorry for what I did. It was wrong of me, I know. We had been building our friendship slowly, and I was on my way to earning your trust, and I ruined everything just like that. God, Bella, I messed up everything."

I didn't speak. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something.

"I'm sorry I came to you like that. You're so innocent and pure, and I'm sorry I tried to do that to you. I admit, I really wanted you, but that was…" He took a huge breath. "I'm sorry. Please, please, tell me what to do to fix it. I'll do anything. Please, Bella."

I didn't speak again.

"Please, say something, I beg you. Please."

I finally spoke with a voice I never thought I possessed.

It was cold.

Unfeeling.

"It took you a week to come here to apologize?"

He shook his head.

"I know. I couldn't seem to face you. I was a coward. I'm sorry."

I stood then, about to leave him there, but I was stopped by his hand on my wrist.

I flailed my hand from his touch, finally feeling something.

… A surge of fury enveloped me.

"Don't touch me. I am disgusted by you and what you did to me."

I said that in a soft but menacing voice. Jacob looked like he was crushed.

"Bella, please, don't do this. Please, show me mercy. I don't want to be left alone again."

Feeling the confidence I've never felt before, I sat again to face him.

I never counted myself as one who could be sarcastic or cruel, but righ now, I was so repulsed by his act that I found a new side of myself.

A darker, dangerous side.

"Stop this act, Jacob. You have been dealt a hard hand, but it is not an excuse for you to be so demanding and to impose yourself on someone. I know people who have gone through much more than what you have. And don't try the sympathy card on me, either. Everyone has their demons, Jacob, not just you. Now, leave before I call the police and tell them exactly what you did to me."

And just like that, his act disappeared.

I don't know how I had never seen it before – maybe I was really that naïve and innocent – but this was the real face of Jacob Black.

His expression suddenly changed from sad, to serious and mocking.

His frown transformed into a sarcastic smirk.

"Well, well. I already tried that act on you, but it didn't work this time. You finally grow a backbone, Bella; you're finally braver."

I huffed.

"So, it was an act all along; you wanting to be my friend. Calling me Bells. Showing up for lunch. Maybe even the story about your mother was made-up, too."

He suddenly looked furious.

"Don't mock that story, Bella. That is the one authentic thing about me. Tell me, what made you toughen up like this. Was it that guy, what was his name again, the one who bid on you in that auction and punched me the night I attacked you? Yes, the leech. Anthony, was it?"

I looked at him with pure venom.

"Or was it Edward?"

I seethed, gritting my teeth.

"Oh, yes. That's right, Masen. He was called Masen."

"Leave him out of this, Jacob."

He smiled a creepy smile.

"Sorry, I can't make that happen. It was you, actually, who helped me find out about him. It turns out I wasn't looking for the right name. However, when I recalled that night, I heard you call him 'Edward.' Yes, that was really helpful, thank you, Bella."

"What do you want?" I seethed.

He acted as though he was thinking about it, before he finally said, "How about you leave his house … For starters. Then I will think of what to do next."

I laughed, bluffing, but in truth, the hairs on my arm and back were raised in fright.

"You are no match for him. If you forgot to recall, Jacob, he is Masen. You know what that means, right? How he could crush you if he wanted to?"

He laughed menacingly.

"My sweet Bella, why would I go one-on-one with him when I could easily tell the authorities what I know? I think Chief Stanley, or shall I say FBI Agent Stanley, would be interested in what I have to say."

I took three breaths, feeling as if I couldn't lose to Jacob like this.

"Do whatever you want, Jacob."

He smiled a bit too easily.

"I will, Bella. I will."

I stood to leave, but right before I did, I asked the question that had been plaguing me.

"Why are you doing this, Jacob? Why are you hurting me like this? You hardly know me – why are you obsessed with me?"

And for a split second, he looked like the Jacob I had met for the first time.

The kind, funny Jacob.

My friend Jacob.

"I just want you to love me, Bella."

But I couldn't pity this man.

Not after how he had threatened me, and what he had tried to do to me that night.

"You're sick, Jacob."

And just like that, the dark, disturbing Jacob was back.

A/N: Happy New Year everyone! Thanks again for my beta, SunflowerFran, for this. I will be lost without her guidance.

Happy Reading!