Anemone
By: oONekomataOo
Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue.
Warnings: OOCness, Maaya-bashing, AU-ish, mild language, and flirty bats.
Neko: And now, the long awaited Dinner Guest Disaster chapter! Well…long awaited for me anyway….I cannot believe I've stuck with this story for so long….
------Respose To Reviewers------
Kuro: Hey, you updated kinda quick for you. (sweatdrops) I hope they don't get used to it. (eyes Neko rolling about in corner) …What the hell are you doing?
Neko: (snuggles Kurama plushie) Plotting.
Kuro: Plotting what?
Neko: More ways for you to get into battles with chameleons and carrot-tops. Gotta give the people what they want, right? (evil grin)
Kuro: Son of a…
Neko: (points to plushie) Do you think this thing'll transform into Youko with enough youki?
Kuro: Start the damned fic already!
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As annoyed as I am about the Kuwabaras coming over, I admit that I'm a little grateful to have something take my mind off the red flower in the park spelling out my impending doom. Hmm…maybe that's a bit too dramatic? Of course if Kurama of all people can't figure out what in the name of Inari is going on, maybe that's not so dramatic after all.
Over the years, I've really come to depend on my now-redheaded friend. Whenever something weird happened, the youko could always figure it out and we'd take care of it. Problem solved, no thinking on my part involved.
It was awesome.
Now here we are in the middle of the Ningenkai with a puzzle that should be relatively easy to solve. Trace the ki and be done with it. Simple.
It shouldn't involve mysterious circumstances or any hard thinking on my part. It shouldn't involve f'ing tornadoes and instant narcolepsy. And it definitely shouldn't involve Kurama scratching his head in confusion!
It was so frustrating! This sort of thing never happened in Makai! In our, ahem, lengthily lifetimes, neither Youko or I had seen anything like this. What's the deal with the human world, anyway?
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"This is stupid. HE is stupid," I complained to my mom as she shoved the rest of the 'take it and bake it yourself, you lazy little person' food into the oven. (I made a mental note to remind Hana to check on it later).
"Now Kuroji, be nice," she chided. "We're having Kazuma and his family over for dinner, so at least pretend you're a sweet young man."
Yeah, like that was going to work.
"Don't wanna."
"Well, you did throw kitchenware at him the other day…" grinned Hiro, interrupting my pouting.
"Orangey can't even remember what days end in 'Y!' You really think I'm worried about him remembering that?!"
"I still can't believe you did that," laughed Hazuki, now stirring the instant rice. "Best not to bring it up at the table though."
"Fine, but I think you're missing something there, Mom."
"What?" she asked, glancing down at her mass of sizzling rice grains.
"Water?" I sweatdropped.
"Oh," she shrugged. "I thought it was a little dry…"
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After that, I retreated to my room for a little break with by beloved video games. They wouldn't make me have dinner with my arch nemesis…or one of them anyway. This whole dinner thing should just be cancelled. It would be like putting Chris Redfield and Wesker in the same room and giving them infinite ammo. Smart…if you like interior decorating with bullet holes.
"Oh Capcom, you're the only one who understands me…"
The hour or so of zombie-shooting salvation was cruelly taken away from me by Hazuki who threatened to rip my 360 out of the TV and throw it curbside. Ningen torture tactics. So much more effective than youkai ones. What's a few missing teeth compared to a life without video games?
"Can I help you, Kaiser?" I asked sarcastically as I entered the kitchen.
"Help your brother set the table," my human mother responded without looking up.
I left the kitchen and entered the dining room where Hiro was clearly struggling to remember which side the plate the fork went on. This was a perfect opportunity for some brotherly bonding, i.e. tormenting him.
"Try putting them inside the glasses, genius. Then it won't matter what side they're on."
"Shut up, Kuroji," the human boy frowned. "It's not like you know where they go either."
True, but he didn't have to know this.
"I wouldn't be so sure, squirt," I grinned. "I have many more years of experience on my side."
Many, many more years in fact.
"Years of experience doesn't mean years of wisdom," came his retort.
Ok, so this little punk was definitely related to me. Keeping with the time-honored tradition of mutual sibling animosity, we glared at each other, grabbed the other's shirt, balled our free hand into a fist…and were interrupted by Hana.
The resident peacemaker calmly walked into the dining room with the lizard and set him on an open chair before picking up one of the misplaced forks, and set it on the left side of dinner plate. Her stern gaze was then directed at us.
That didn't last long.
As soon as I sensed the lecture approaching us, I let go of Hiro. At that point, Hiro, whose strength was not in the area of balance, stumbled a bit and knocked over a water glass. I winced, knowing what would happen next.
As the water began slowly soaking into the white tablecloth, Hana's blood pressure rose considerably. The stern face morphed into something only seen previously when I may have made the suggestion that one of her little celebrity crushes had a thing for guys. Yeah, not a good day, and I have the scars to prove it.
"Hiiiiiiiro….." snarled the four foot terror in front of us.
"S-Sorry?" Hiro stuttered. Like me, he was probably used to hearing his sister's delicate, soft-spoken voice. The words coming out of her mouth now sounded like death.
Without another word (thankfully), the scary one formerly known as my sister grabbed Hiro and dragged him off into the forbidden land of the kitchen. Pausing for a moment, she turned back at me. I tried to ignore the way her veins were pulsing irregularly. I also tried to ignore my human brother's pleas for forgiveness.
"Take the tablecloth off and reset the table, Aniki…"
"Sure thing, Sis," I sweatdropped.
After all, I already learned all I needed about Death. You don't cheat it, you don't test it, and you sure as hell don't argue with it when it possesses the body of your little sister.
While one twin dragged the other into the adjoining room (with Iro in tow, proving his connection with the dark side I might add), I looked at the table. The water had made a pretty decent-sized puddle, but wasn't really all that deep. I picked up the fallen glass and set it right side up. Pulling everything off the table and resetting it would take forever. I didn't have forever.
I grabbed the end of the tablecloth and neatly pulled it out from beneath the plates, glasses, and correctly-set silverware. Nothing moved.
"Yeah, I'm good," I smirked, tossing the tablecloth over my shoulder.
"Kuroji, did you finish setting the table?" Hazuki called from the kitchen.
"Of course, Mother!" I yelled back. "Did you finish pulling the silverware from your son's face?"
"What do you—Hana! Put that down! Leave your poor brother alone!"
I just shook my head. How the hell these things promoted family togetherness was beyond me.
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Things went a lot smoother after that. After Hazuki learned about the wonders of following the directions on the box, and after Hiro learned the hard way that Iro's dark aura must effect his master, and after Hana finally stopped acting like Death Eater, things went smoother.
The ladies of the household helped me finish setting the table with much food and drink (but sadly, no sake) and Hiro stopped crying. Eventually, I got bored playing House with the others and turned to Iro. The Spawn of Satan was again resting on the top of the couch, watching us with one beady red eye.
I decided that the time was right to prime him for Kuwabara. Crouching in front of him, I looked him in the eye and used the most serious tone I could manage.
"You do not know pain, you do not know fear, and you will taste Man-flesh!!"
"Aniki!" Hana exclaimed. "Stop saying things like that to Iro!"
And with that, she scooped him up and carried him off to some dark corner of the house where he belonged.
As if on cue, the doorbell rang.
"Oh, that must be them!" my human mother exclaimed excitedly.
"Great…" Hiro and I replied in unison, unable to match her enthusiasm.
"Would it kill you two to smile?" Hazuki chided us. "I'll go let them in. Remember, you're a pair of sweet young men that were raised in the best possible environment and learned everything you know by your beautiful and intelligent mother that—"
The doorbell rang again.
"Cooooming!" Hazuki called, giving us one more warning look before walking to the front door.
"Ya don't gotta tell me twice," I muttered, plopping into one of the chairs. "Ugh, I can't wait until this is over…"
"…."
"What's eating you? The Orange Beast is still outside."
My younger brother just shuddered and looked at me with a mix of fear and confusion in his eyes.
"I n-never want to s-see Hana like that again…"
How is it that Hazuki has Pizza Hut, Sushi Bars, and fast food restaurants on speed-dial, but not psychologists, hospitals, and the asylum?
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I could smell the Orange Beast coming before I actually saw her. Yes, one tends to remember the scent of rotten candy apple and cheap hooker after smelling it before in one horrifying combination. Let's just hope dear little Fifi, the demonic poodle was left at home for this encounter.
"Oh, there you children are!!" squealed Mommy Kuwabara, decked out in a shocking amount of orange and pink.
She approached the twins and I like a badly dressed grizzly bear would approach a group of innocent campers that just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. As she trapped the three of us in another spine-crushing death hug, I found myself wondering if the streaks of color all over her face were supposed to be make-up or war paint. Tough call.
"I've been looking forward to this all week! I just know we're going to have a delicious time!" she informed us before letting out one of her disturbing giggles.
This must be what Hansel and Gretel felt like.
Taking some relief in the fact that I knew exactly where our oven was located as well as every possible escape route should things turn nasty, I tried to appease both mothers with a "It's good to see you too, Mrs. Kuwabara." Hana also tried to say something polite, but was still recovering from the punctured lung the Orange Beast gave her. I briefly considered telling her that Voldemort wanted Orangey's head on a stake, but decided against it.
Not long after the rest of the Kuwabara clan trooped in. Kuwabara looked a little awkward and nervous, while Shizuru looked like she'd much rather be somewhere else, doing something else. Personally, I was amazed that smoking was the only bad habit she'd picked up after living with her mother and brother for so long.
"Now that we're all here, let's dig in before dinner gets cold!" my mother beamed.
"What a fabulous idea, Hazuki!" exclaimed Orange Beast, clapping her hands together wildly. "It looks delicious!"
I didn't have the heart to tell her that it was actually supped-up TV dinners.
"I had no idea that you would have us over just because of a silly little casserole," Orange Beast giggled. "I'll have to make you another sometime!"
Hazuki gave her a forced smile.
"We would love that, right guys?"
"Sure," I replied, leaving out that we had plenty of room in the backyard next to the first monster casserole to bury any more of its incarnates.
"Oh, we must have you four over for dinner sometime!"
We all paled at this statement.
"Um, that sounds fun!" Hana offered politely. "Would you like some noodles, Mrs. Kuwabara?"
"I'd love some!!"
Yeah, she could use a noodle. That's for sure…
Kuwabara noticed me rolling my eyes and glared at me from across the table. I flashed my best evil grin and returned my attention to my plate. I had to remember to attempt to behave or Hazuki would be the next one to transform into a Dark Lord and rip off my head….which in hindsight, sounded a lot better than sitting through dinner with the carrot tops.
"Kuroji-kun…"
I snapped my attention to the person who had said my name and wasn't using it in a threatening tone. With the overwhelming presence of the rest of her family, it was easy to forget Shizuru was there as well.
"Uh, yeah?"
"I was wondering about your eyes…" she began. Your brother and sister have brown eyes, but yours are blue. Do you wear contacts?"
"Er, no." I answered. A little confused about why she was so concerned about my eye color. "They're just naturally this color."
"Oh."
"He used to get that a lot when he was younger," Hazuki laughed. "I can't remember how many teacher conferences I spent explaining that he was born with them and not trying to violate school rules."
"But they're so pretty!" Orange Beast gushed. "They're the color of the ocean! How lovely!"
"Thank…you?" I replied, a little grossed out at the way the woman was now looking at me. It was almost enough for me to put off the question (and dinner), when I remembered part of the conversation I overheard Kuwabara having on the phone once.
"Even Sis didn't think he was totally human!"
This meant one of two things. A: Shizuru was generally interested in unnatural eye color, or B: She suspected me of being a demon. Neither of which was exactly conversation for the dinner table.
I tried thinking back to the huge Where I've Been For The Last Eighteen Years talk Kurama and I had at IHOP, but couldn't really remember him mention Kuwabara's sister much. We had filled in most of the gaps about what we'd been up to in the Ningenkai, but didn't cover the nitty-gritty oh, so bitty details on every single person we'd met. And from what I understood, Kurama had only known Kuwabara and his family for a little over two years.
None of this helped my current situation, of course.
Another quick glance at Shizuru, and I felt a little less paranoid. After getting my answer, she had just returned to her meal like nothing had ever happened. If she was concerned about me being a little more than human, she wasn't showing it.
"Oh, this is delightful!" Orange Beast said cheerfully. "I haven't been able to sit down for dinner among friends in ages!"
This led me to wonder about the friends she kept, but I was mentally interrupted by Hazuki again.
"We're very glad to have you," she said sweetly. "I was worried that we wouldn't fit in so well in Tokyo. It certainly is a relief to know there such kind and welcoming families here."
On one hand, her orange ape of a son is friends with cool people like Youko, that other detective, and Botan, but on the other he's also an idiot. Then there's the fact that he hangs out with the tree-rat and, wait, did Mom just call them kind?!
"That's so nice of you to say!" squealed Orange Beast, clearly enjoying the attention. "You people from Kyoto are so sweet!"
Kind? Kind?! Kind is bringing over edible food, not casserole laced with rat poison! Kind is offering the occasional 'Howdy, Neighbor,' not molesting their youngest child on some witch hunt to find youkai! Kind is inviting the handsome eldest son over for tea made with tea leaves, not rattlesnake venom! Kind is—
"Oh, please don't think anything of it!" my human mother laughed. "You were the first family to show us such hospitality; we're just returning the favor."
This whole BS-fest was starting to make me more sick than Hazuki's cooking ever could. Was I really expected to sit here for another hour or so listening to this crap? I'd rather listen to another one of Badger's boring business talks than this…
"So tell me a little about your high school in Kyoto, Kuroji-kun!" squealed the Orange Beast.
"I'm sorry, what?" I blinked, suddenly pulled out of my thoughts. Orangey didn't seem to notice.
"You must have had to leave a bunch of friends behind…"
"Yeah, a couple," I replied. 'Just none worth mentioning.'
"I bet you had a girlfriend or two that was very upset you left!" she giggled excessively.
"Not, really," I said with my 'modest' smile. Mom likes that one, says it makes me look mature. Hiro says it makes me look like a liar. Fitting, since every time I'm required to look mature, I'm usually lying.
"Really?" she looked surprised. "A strapping young buck like you?"
"Too busy studying for that Meiou entrance exam, I guess." I laughed. Partially because I'd never studied longer than ten minutes in my entire life, but mostly because I had never heard myself described as a 'strapping young buck' before. And what was the sudden interest in my social life, anyway?
"Is that so?" said the Orange Beast with a creepy gleam in her eye. She seemed very pleased, this worried me. "And you passed it, didn't you?"
My worry increased twentyfold.
"He was in the top 10% of the applicants," Hazuki said proudly. I just know she held back a 'We were surprised. I had figured he got his brains from his dad's side.'
The Orange Beast eagerly eyed Kuwabara, then me, then Kuwabara again. A twisted smile formed on her magenta-painted lips. I started praying that she wasn't planning on feeding me to her young.
"I've been looking into getting a tutor for my little Kazu-chan here for awhile…" she started. "He just doesn't do so well in the academics area…"
"Mom!" he interrupted.
Yes, yes, protest away, I thought. I can already see where this is going and I don't want to be there when it arrives.
"How good are you at Math, Kuroji-kun?"
"I'm really much better at English and linguistics…"
"He's already completed all of the required Math courses at his school," Hazuki interjected.
"Thanks a lot, Mom," I said sourly.
Once again, Orange Beast took no notice of this.
"How wonderful!" she squealed. Again, with the squealing! What is it with this woman and squealing?! "Do your classes take up a lot of your free time?"
"Loads of it."
"Kuroji always naps when he gets home and plays too many video games," Hazuki said with a laugh. "I've been trying to find ways for him to fill his time with more academic pursuits."
Fine, see if I ever lend you Animal Crossing again.
There was more excited clapping and squealing from the Kuwabara side of the table, none of it coming from Shizuru or her brother.
"Have you ever considered tutoring people before, Kuroji-kun?" Orange Beast asked with sparkles in her eyes.
"Not really," I said as apologetically as I could. "I'm not a very good teacher…"
"What a great opportunity for you Kuroji!" interjected my very evil mother. Only the well-trained eyes of me and my siblings caught the glare in it. When I was younger, I was convinced she used it to bend the wills of others.
Now I'm sure of it.
I looked back at my plate to avoid eye contact. There was no way I was going to be that gorilla's tutor in anything, much less anything relating to school.
"Kuroji would love to tutor your son!" Hazuki smiled. Again, all three of her children picked up on the glare and the unspoken promise of pain if we argued.
"Hurray!" shouted Orange Beast, happily throwing her hands up into the air and giving her thoroughly embarrassed son a huge hug. "I finally found my baby a real tutor!"
"Hiro, will you pass me that bowl, please?" I asked my younger brother.
"Why?" he asked in confusion. "You hate natto…and Hana's closer to it anyway."
"Yes, but you're closer to the knives than she is…"
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From that disaster of a dinner topic, things got more and more boring. Maybe it was because I was still trying to find a way to get out of tutoring the orange ape in my least favorite subject. Or maybe it was because the Orange Beast spent ten full minutes rambling on about the freaking weather.
It was during this speech that Hana started passing plates around to keep herself occupied.
"Would you like seconds, Kuwabara-san?" she asked the resident idiot.
"Thanks, Hana-chan!" he answered in appreciation. "You know, you're much nicer than your two brothers, so you can just call me 'Kazuma-kun' okay?"
Dammit. I knew this would happen. Hana's eyes immediately widened, and then welled up with tears.
"U-Um, I'm sorry. Please excuse me!" she squeaked before running off towards the kitchen.
"Way to go, idiot," Shizuru said with a frown.
"Something I said?" asked Kuwabara in a worried tone.
"No, no, not at all. Hana's just a little sensitive," Hazuki said, waving her hand dismissively. "My late husband's name was Kazuma and he was very close to his children."
"I'm really sorry, Mrs. Akatsuki! I didn't mean to—"
"Don't worry about it," my mother smiled. "You didn't know, and Hana will be fine in a bit. I doubt she'll be mad at you either."
Kuwabara tried to say something else, but Shizuru must have elbowed him under the table. After another minute went by, Hazuki stood up.
"I'll go check on her and be back in a minute. Excuse me."
Orange Beast looked at Hiro and I with misplaced sympathy after Hazuki had left.
"Poor dear, it must be hard for you children."
Hiro, unaccustomed to pity of any kind, fielded this one.
"Nah, Dad died a long time ago," he said absently, and with another shrug went right on eating.
There was an awkward silence after this. Then it dawned on me.
Oh, shit….I'm supposed to be saying stuff, aren't I?!
"So…How 'bout them Giants?" I tried.
Way to lift the mood. Very suave.
Luckily Hana and Hazuki were only gone a short time, and rejoined the dinner table after a few minutes. I noticed that Hana's eyes were still a little red and puffy. This caused me to make a mental note to knock out one of Kuwabara's teeth for every tear I saw in the future.
Apparently, the whole sad vibe was messing with the fantasy world of rainbows and puppies that Orange Beast lived in and she urged her son to go grab the pan they had brought with them.
Turns out they had made a special dessert for the occasion. Could this night get any worse? Maybe Iro could pop out of the shadows and slit my throat with that toothpick katana of his? Where was that damned lizard anyway? I hadn't seen him in awhile…
"This is a secret recipe passed down from generation to generation in the Kuwabara family!" Orange Beast explained with great excitement.
We all winced.
"Here it is!" Kuwabara said as he set it balanced it on one arm dramatically. "I present to you now… The Kuwabara Gelatin Surprise!"
Well, it was surprising all right. As soon as the carrot-topped cretin lifted the tray off it, his mother started screaming at the sight. There looking half-drunk and half-dead in the middle of the orange mass of jello and god knows what else was the Spawn of Satan.
"Iro!!" gasped Hana.
"Mom!" shouted Shizuru, catching her as she fainted on the spot.
"Shit." Hazuki cursed under her breath.
'So that's where you went…' I thought with a smirk.
As soon as he realized he had been freed from his dark, gooey prison, Iro looked up at Kuwabara and instantly blamed him for the food poisoning. The lizard tailwhipped the carrot-top, who dropped the platter and clutched his face in shock. I could feel Hazuki fight the urge to run to her now-stained carpet in vain.
Hana picked up her minion from his sputtering fit on the floor and apologized to Kuwabara profusely, claiming Iro was scared.
Yeah, right. She says scared. I say out for blood. Still, it was a nice change not being the target of the Hellspawn for once.
"Heh, it's really alright, Hana-chan! He just surprised me" grinned Kuwabaka in his attempt to save face. "No problemo!"
Forget food poisoning. Iro should attack him just for saying "no problemo" in this household.
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Much to Hazuki's dislike, dinner ended shortly thereafter. Once the Orange Beast had awoken from her little fainting spell, she decided that they should be on their way. 'Too tired out from all the excitement' had been her words.
My human mother tried to apologize about dessert again, but Orangey had said not to worry about it, and that we should all come over and have dinner with them sometime. No thanks.
After the Orange Beast had been carried off by her children and the dining room carpet had been salvaged, we found ourselves washing dishes.
"Hmm…I think that went pretty well overall," Hazuki mused over scrubbing a dirty plate.
Hiro snickered from his task of wiping the table.
"Yeah, except for dessert."
"I wondered what they had prepared…" Hana thought out loud, handing me a dry plate.
"Does it really matter?" I said, setting the plate on the shelf. "The important thing is that we didn't have to find out."
"Yeah, it would have been Casserole part II," the squirt agreed, shuddering.
"Let's just hope it doesn't become a trilogy. Remember Spiderman 3?" I asked.
"Or X-Men 3…" added Hiro.
"There will be no insulting Hugh Jackman in my household, you two!" objected Hazuki sternly. "Besides, Origins made up for it."
"Whatever you say, Mom…"
-----------------------------------------END: Chap. 14
::A/N::
Neko: And thus ends the dramatic dinner guest disaster arc!
Kuro: The hell? You can't write one chapter and call it an "arc!" That's too short.
Neko: Oh? You're saying you want the Kuwabaras over again?
Kuro: Call it an "arc" call it "crack" call it whatever as long as Orangey and his mom stay faaaaar away from me!
Translation Corner------------------------
I tend to include foreign words in my fics, so you can see definitions here. If you see something that's wrong or that you want to add on, let me know so I can fix it. (To shorten this, most of the character names that appeared and were defined in previous chapters, were left out.)
Koumori (Jap.) "Bat"
Kitsune (Jap.) "Fox"
Youkai (Jap.) "Demon"
Youki (Jap.) "Demon Energy"
Makai (Jap.) "Demon World"
Ningen (Jap.) "Human"
Ningenkai (Jap.) "Human World"
Reikai (Jap.) "Spirit World"
-sensei (Jap.) Honorific for "teacher"
-kun (Jap.) Honorific to show familiarity with a boy.
Inari (Jap.) Japanese deity of rice, property, and prosperity. Often depicted as a fox.
Chris Redfield and Wesker (Jap.) The main protagonist and villain in the Resident Evil series.
Kaiser (Ger.) "Emperor" the female equivalent (Empress) is "Kaiserin" but I figured that killed the joke.
Natto (Jap.) "Fermented soybeans"