Chapter 14
"It's going to take us a couple of hours to get there." Rey got up and threw Poe a look, which made him feel extremely uncomfortable. She made to leave the cockpit but then appeared to change her mind and sat back down. "He didn't do too well," she said softly and so quickly that Poe couldn't shake the feeling that Finn was standing just outside the cockpit in the corridor and could understand each word Rey was saying. "It's good that you're back and... not dead." She winked at him. It was as if she knew exactly what was going on with him. For a moment Poe thought she'd put her hand on his shoulder, but then she let her hand drop into her lap again as if she could sense his shakiness. "How did you get away?" she asked, louder this time and Poe turned his head to look at the door.
Finn was standing there, his arms crossed and leaning in the doorway. It seemed to Poe as if he was doing everything in his power to keep up an appearance of confidence, but was barely able to contain his insecurity. "That's what I'd like to know, too," Finn said quietly and Poe looked down at his shoes, suddenly unable to face him. Shaking his head he buried his face in his hands, a giant lump in his throat. Just minutes before he had been sure that he'd be able to tell Finn everything.
Rey cleared her throat audibly, drawing Finn's attention towards herself. After a moment of suffocating silence, Poe felt a hand on his elbow. "Come with me." Finn. "Please."
Slowly, and driven more by the urge to get away from Rey, because he couldn't seem to stand her presence on top of everything else, he put down his hands. He didn't want to be alone with Finn either, but this way he'd only have to endure one person's presence. When he came to his feet he saw that Rey wasn't even looking at him anymore. She sat on the pilot's seat, her legs crossed and her eyes closed.
Finn pulled him outside into the corridor, past the communal space, until they reached another door. When it opened, Poe saw that they had reached the crew quarters with two worn beds put into the wall and a tiny kitchen unit next to the door. The smell was strangely familiar to Poe. It reminded him of his mother's old A-Wing somehow. "Sit down...", Finn said quietly and let go of Poe's elbow. Poe didn't even have the energy to argue anymore and dropped down on one of the beds. "You have to be tired."
Poe nodded and looked up at Finn, who pushed a button which mad the door slide shut behind them and then went over to the kitchen unit to heat up some water. Everyone seemed to be intent on making him drink. Everyone. All the time. He hated being forced to swallow, but didn't say anything and kept his eyes instead on Finn who still had his back turned on him.
Poe had hoped to see him again, so much and at the same time he had dreaded this moment ever since he had managed to escape with Bendar's help. But he also felt relieved. Relieved that he hadn't caused any permanent damage.
When Finn had filled up the water boiler he turned back to Poe, who could suddenly see despair in the other's eyes. Despair which made Poe feel cold spread through his entire body. Finn bit down on his lower lip, apparently unsure of how to proceed now. Of what to say even. Poe folded his hands, so Finn didn't see how much they were shaking. For a moment they just stared at each other, neither one able to say anything, before Poe surrendered and looked down at the grey floor at his feet. He could hear the hyperdrive humming through the thin walls and the quiet rumbling of the life support system in the air vents.
"I'm glad, you're alright," Poe managed to say after a while.
He heard slow footsteps walking towards him. "May I?"
Poe nodded. The fact that Finn seemed to feel like needed his permission, made him feel even worse. But then he realized that he should have expected this. They had only been close for about half an hour. Poe had dreamed of that kiss so often that by now it felt more like a dream itself than memory. He moved a couple of inches to the side when Finn sat down next to him. No matter how much he wanted to grasp Finn's hand and hold on tight, he couldn't bring himself to disentangle his own hands clutching each other.
"I know that you don't want to talk about it."
Poe nodded again. He didn't want to talk about it, but Finn deserved the truth. Every word Poe had to say, Finn had to hear.
"Hm.." Finn said, but didn't do anything to get closer to Poe. "You know that I'm fully aware of what they're capable of?"
Hesitantly Poe looked up again, staring at the door instead of the floor now. From the corner of his eye he saw Finn sitting so close to him that their knees were almost touching.
Finn sighed and lay down on the bed behind Poe, who could feel his heart hammering in his chest and his entire body go stiff. The thought, that he may be expecting too much from Finn, just by being with him, even like this, started creeping up on him and it made him feel sick. Whatever Finn said, Poe felt like he's collapse under this sudden weight of guilt and insecurity. He couldn't bring himself to speak. The water Finn had boiled was getting cold again. Poe couldn't care less.
"I almost ran off," he heard Finn's voice behind him and Poe turned around despite himself. Finn lay there, fully stretched out on the mattress and staring at the low ceiling in the bunk. "When I thought you were gone, I mean." He folded his hands across his chest. "I couldn't to believe that the First Order killed you. They were sure that they had destroyed your X-Wing. No one believed me. Only Rey."
Poe sighed. "Tractorbeam.", he said. "Probably a new design underneath their Destroyers. We always thought they were just in the front." It was easier somehow just to add information to what Finn was saying. Slowly he felt his shoulders relaxing and he slid up the bed, so he was leaning against the bunk's headrest next to Finn. Tentatively he stretched out one leg on the bed, but did his best not to touch Finn, even if he wanted to nothing more than to do just that. Poe felt like he wanted to run away from Finn, to save Finn from all of this, but at the same time he felt like he'd never want to get away from here. Finn put an end to his contemplations, when he took Poe's hand in his as if he had read Poe's thoughts and squeezed it tight.
For a moment Poe felt like their hands were made for each other. They seemed to be two parts of a puzzle that simply belonged together the way their contours completed each other. Simply to look at them took his breath away. "I only just managed to blow apart my navcomputer with my blaster before they opened the cockpit." He still couldn't meet Finn's eyes and kept staring at their fingers.
"I wanted to go looking for you." Finn's thumb gently stroked the back of Poe's hand. "But I had no idea of where to start. I just kept waiting for news. Forever. And then the First Order announced that they had captured someone from the Resistance-" He broke off and finally Poe managed to look directly at Finn, who was still staring at the ceiling and only slowly turned his head. "I watched it," he whispered. "I didn't want to, but I had to make sure that it wasn't you. And then-" He couldn't keep going anymore and Poe closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry", he said quietly, shaking his head. "I was afraid you'd see it." He felt the fear of that moment growing inside of him again like the echo of a horrible nightmare. Felt the noose around his neck, the steps which felt like they'd be his last. Saw Bendar's face, betraying nothing. Nothing at all. No emotion. No remorse. Nothing. His entire body was shaking as he remembered the despair of those last moments. Especially now, that he saw what it had done to Finn. He knew what it felt like to lose someone you felt this special connection to. Any connection really. Finn seemed to feel just like Poe had felt so many years ago with Morap, and still did really. Poe didn't even want to start thinking of his father. Not now.
Finn pulled Poe's hand closer and Poe felt his body relax slowly but surely. When Finn put his hand on his neck, gently tracing his fingertips over Poe's skin, Poe felt a shiver run down his spine, which had nothing to do with the terror he had felt that day, and let Finn pull him closer. He didn't fight it, even allowed himself to lie down next to Finn on the narrow bed and put his hand on Finn's chest. The sensation of Finn's rapid heartbeat underneath his fingertips was the last incentive he needed to press his lips against Finn's. Finn had been ready to leave the Resistance and go looking for him. He had grieved for him and now he was here. With him. A couple of days ago he would not have thought this miracle possible.
For a moment it felt like the eternity of separation had never taken place. Finn returned the kiss greedily, letting go of Poe's hand and pulling Poe's body closer to him instead. Sighing Poe put his arms around Finn, held him close to his body. It had been too long. Too long since he had been allowed to cling to someone like this. Finn's lips were familiar, moulded to his own perfectly and the warm breath on his skin seemed to rob him of his ability to think clearly. Heart hammering wildly in his chest and unable to process a single thought he pushed his body closer against Finn's, let his tongue slide over Finn's lower lip and for a moment he trembled at the thought of Finn, suddenly going tense, pushing him away, but he didn't. Nothing happened for a moment, until Poe felt Finn's hand running encouragingly through his hair with a desperation which was nothing if not contagious.
Finn was breathing heavily and Poe was sure, that if he got up now, his legs wouldn't have been able to carry him. He let his hand slide over Finn's side, enjoying the sensation of Finn's smooth skin beneath his fingertips. Sighing he pressed his face against Finn's shoulder, who had his arm around him. He could still feel his heart race and every breath he took felt like fire in his lungs. But still he was content with how heavy his limbs felt and was relieved to have been granted this time with Finn. To be this close to him. Poe had been taken aback with how urgently he had needed this and especially that it had been Finn who had taken the initiative.
Poe's lips traced Finn's bare neck, tasted the salty sweat and knew, that he'd be unwilling to exchange anything in the entire galaxy for this moment. Anything at all. Ever. At the same time he was sure that he had never been this tired. It hadn't even been particularly innovative, nor had it lasted as long as Poe would have hoped their first time might be, but the exhaustion of the last couple of weeks had taken its toll and he was glad to even have been able to spend this time with Finn. Reaching behind him Finn pulled up a blanket and covered them both with it. Poe felt himself growing even more tired.
"Are you ever going to tell me how you did it?" Finn's voice sounded tentative, as if he had taken minutes to formulate this question. Poe raised his head despite his fatigue. Finn pushed his fingers through Poe's hair.
Poe nodded. He didn't want to, but he had to. Especially now. It had been the first time in years, since Morap really, that sleeping with someone had actually meant something to him and only now did he realize how desperate he had been to find what he had lost when letting himself be dragged into those few encounters he had had. He had always regretted it later. This moment, right here, had to be counted among the happiest of his life. And Finn deserved the truth. Now.
Poe reached out for Finn's face, tracing the other's nose with his fingertips. He gently stroked Finn's lips. His jaw. It felt familiar and completely new at the same time. He loved how Finn's lips twitched when Poe touched it, how he had moaned quietly, his eyelids fluttering, when he had come only a couple of minutes ago. For Poe it felt like he had never done anything else but touch Finn and be with him. This was something he actually had never experienced before. Never. But things with Morap had been so completely different in so many different ways. Poe sighed. "Beebee-Ate's former owner and I-" He broke off, shrugging and looked at Finn apologetically.
The other man knew, that he hadn't been the first person Poe had shared a bed with. Finn raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.
"We were a couple until the First Order destroyed his starfighter with him onboard. Beebee-Ate and I have been a team ever since." Somehow this was not as hard as he had anticipated, even if he saw flashes of Morap's face with that beaming smile before his eyes. Even if it hurt, it felt even comforting to talk about Morap. Somehow the memory of Morap hadn't been tarnished as deeply as he had feared. "I have no idea, where the Order brought me after they captured me, but the guy they sent to my cell to question me was Morap's brother." His throat felt uncomfortably tight again and he heard the roughness in his voice. He wasn't used to talking anymore, had even talked as little as possible over the last couple of days and now his voice faltered. Finn appeared to understand and pressed his lips to Poe's forehead without commenting on what Poe had said, before climbing over Poe's body to get up. The blanket slid down, but Poe didn't pull it back up again. Instead he watched Finn, whose pair of trousers threatened to slip down to his ankles. The scar on Finn's back, which Ren's lightsaber hat left there, had healed rather well, Poe thought, but it was still very much visible. Poe had felt it but hadn't seen it yet. The view made the bruise around his neck itch.
Finn held on tight to his trousers, but didn't close the fly, as he walked towards the kitchen unit and filled two cups with water from the tap. When he came back to the bed, he was grinning slightly. Despite the bleak topic of conversation. Poe slid over to the other side and Finn lay back down next to him, pushing one of the cups into Poe's hand. Without hesitation this time Poe leaned against Finn's chest, revelling in Finn's warmth. Greedily Poe gulped down some of the cool water. Satora's tea had helped, he realized. Drinking was already easier to do, even without the tea's immediate effect.
"Keep going," Finn demanded quietly. His fingers gently brushed over Poe's cheek and he pulled Poe closer to him after he had taken the empty cup from Poe's hand. After a moment's hesitation he pushed the second cup into Poe's hand, but Poe just stared at it without drinking.
"I don't know... it appeared like he felt he owed his brother something, even though Morap had run away from the First Order to join the Republic." Poe looked up at Finn who started smiling. It appeared, like he was drawn to deserters especially, Poe thought. "I didn't know about that until a couple of days ago, though. Bendar wasn't squeamish during the questioning and I ... I said some things-" He stopped himself before he could say anything that might sound like a feeble attempt at an excuse. He kept silent even after Finn had kissed his brow again as if to assure him that he understood. How could he? How could Finn even try to forgive him? Poe shook his head. "At least I didn't say anything of use to the Order, or you wouldn't be here. Bendar helped me. Somehow." Poe thought of the Stormtrooper who had died for him. The one who had taken his place. He'd have to tell Finn about her as well. But not now. "And that's how I got to Nar Shadaa. I promised him not to show my face in public and not to return to the Resistance..." He smiled without a trace of cheer inside of him. "But there are some promises I just can't keep."
Finn nodded. "I wouldn't have expected anything else from you," he said quietly after a while. "General Organa sent Rey and me to come and get you.. she must have thought I'd bail anyway sooner rather than later and, like she said, Rey didn't want me to go alone. I couldn't stand it anymore on that base. I was just happy to get away from there... but who'd have thought that I'd find you again..."
Poe nodded. "I'm glad she sent you," he murmured. His eyelids were growing heavy again and he didn't want to do anything but sleep. He had so many questions. About him. About Rey and Skywalker. About what had happened, but not now. Now he only wanted to sleep and relish, at least for a couple of hours, in the security Finn's mere presence provided. He felt the blanket sliding back over his bare shoulders again. He didn't need the additional warmth. Not really.
"Me too," he heard Finn whisper and there was something else, but Poe was already too far gone to hear it.
A/N: So, they're back together. Hope you liked it! There's only one chapter and the Epilogue to go :(