I know I haven't posted in days but I have finally come up with something that I liked. I am also still trying to digest the season finale of Sons. I am still in shock but I think we all saw that ending coming. As I still mourn, I hope you enjoy this chapter. It's about to get intense!

I didn't feel like getting out of bed. First of all I was in a lot of pain. All the stress of my issues with Rob and being in Charming were getting too much to bare. It wasn't good for my wellbeing. Secondly, I needed the rest. My doctor had told me that I shouldn't be doing much for the first few weeks that I was home and I've done way more than I should. Thirdly, I was pissed. I was pissed at my brother for barging in and causing a scene in front of Pops and I was pissed at Jax for thinking he needed to intervene and come to my rescue. It was none of his business. It was between Op and I and now because Jax always wanted to be the hero I was currently feeling like the lowest piece of shit for trying to do a good deed. I was second guessing my attempt to help my brother and allowing Jax to come into my room last night. All I wanted was out of Charming but I didn't want to go back to Palisades and I definitely didn't know who to ask to take me to the location that I still hadn't decided on. I figured if I stayed in this room it would eventually give me the answer to all my questions about life. I was hoping. But I was still clueless.

There was a light tap on the door and it slowly opened. Piney looked in at me and pushed the rest of the door open with his foot.

"You're turning into your old lady with this depressed mood of yours."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh thanks Pops."

He shrugged. "Do you talk to her?"

"Not in about five years. She was never a mother to me."

"And I was a good enough father?"

"Was I a good enough daughter?" I countered. "I left you remember."

"For a good reason."

"What do you want?"

"I want you to get the hell out of that bed. I'm heading to the clubhouse and I want you to come with me. I can't watch you from there and I want to make sure you're okay."

"I don't need a babysitter."

"Well you're getting one. I'm leaving in ten and you better be ready. It won't be too bad. We are having a big dinner of some sorts. Gemma's doing all the cooking."

"If I come do I have to be sociable?"

"It's not necessary."

"Great, I'll be ready in ten."

I freshened up in the bathroom and was ready before my father. I wasn't particularly up for a motorcycle ride so we took the truck instead. Everyone was there when we showed up and I felt like throwing up. Tara's car was there as was Jax's bike and I could already feel the awkwardness that would come out of tonight. I was the worst person.

I caught Tig's eye when I walked in and said, "Don't you dare."

He smirked as he walked up to me and threw his arm around me. "I'm sorry Rowan, I swear I won't say anything."

"Thanks. You're alright Tig."

"I better be. I'm of the few who still loves you."

I could have effortlessly rolled my eyes but I decided not to because I knew Tig was right. Sure I was being invited into the SAMCRO clubhouse but that didn't mean anyone here liked me. I knew that. I could easily point out a few people around here who were giving me the look of death including Opie. But I learned a long time ago to block out what others think about you. It was important to do just you. I wasn't bothered by the stares I was getting except of course for the one.

"You shouldn't."

Tig leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Guess I just can't help myself."

I smiled at him and he asked me what he could get me to drink. While Tig went off to get me a beer I went up to Gemma who was running around the kitchen like a crazy old lady.

"Can I help you with something?"

"You sure you should be doing anything?"

I shrugged. "Probably not but I offered."

She glanced at me before pointing to the huge pot on the stove. "It's chili. Mix it would ya?"

I nodded and grabbed the ladle from the counter. I began stirring while Gemma was behind me cutting up lettuce. I wasn't sure what I could say to Gemma. I had already apologized to her but I still felt like she deserved more. My mom hadn't been a mom but Gemma had.

"What's going on with Jax?"

"Nothing," I responded.

"Bull shit," she said as she stood next to me. "I don't know what's going on but something is definitely up. You do realize he has Tara right?"

"Of course I realize that! Look Gemma, I don't know what the fuck is going on. I've tried to get him to stay away but he keeps coming back. And I know that isn't a good excuse but I don't know what else to say."

Gemma sighed. "I know that Jax and Tara haven't had a great last few months but I know there is something more with Tara. If she leaves him he'll be destroyed. He may not treat her great now but she is his rock. If she leaves he will be lost. I hate to tell ya sweetheart but you're the distraction. You are familiar ground. You are making it too easy for him."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I know. I want to leave but I just can't go home."

"If that fiancé of yours lays his hand on you again then is he really worth it?"

"How can you say that? Clay has laid his hand on you."

"I deserved it. Did you deserve it?"

"I must have."

"I guess we accept the love we think we are supposed to receive."

"We both must be a little fucked up then."

Gemma smirked. "Well if that's all that's wrong with me then I must be doing something right."

Hours had passed and I was tired, in pain, and unhappy. There was a reason why I left Charming and it became clear tonight. I wasn't a part of this lifestyle. I was the district attorney and I did not belong here. As every crow eater, hangaround, and member of SAMCRO walked into the clubhouse I felt more and more out of place and soon enough I had wandered outside and to the playground that was meant for Abel, and found the silence I needed. At least if I was being judged or spoken about I wouldn't have to hear it.

"Bad habit?"

I looked up from my spot on the swing and saw Opie. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say him.

"What this?" I asked as I gestured to the cigarette I had in my hand. I hadn't had a smoke in months and when I found a pack on the bar I took three.

"Isn't that illegal?" He asked as he took the swing next to me and pulled out his own cigarette. Always the hypocrite.

"Illegal in what sense?"

"In the sense that you're a district attorney."

I smiled slightly. "I don't think what I do to my own body has any say in my job."

He shrugged. "It's bad for you."

"I could say the same thing."

We were both quiet as we slowly swung back and forth. I thought about the swing set in the backyard of Piney's house and how it had been mine and Opie's oasis. It was where we went when our parents were fighting and seemed to be the only place where their screaming voices were muffled enough that we could hear our own thoughts. On nights when it was real bad, Opie used to take me as far as he could and sit me down in front of him, tell me to look just at him, and cover my ears. As we grew older though Opie didn't care as much. When our parents fought he let me handle it myself. But I still found myself doing the same thing. Hiding out, covering my own ears, and trying my hardest to picture my life without any of them. It eventually came true.

"I'm sorry about this morning," he said finally. "I overreacted. It was my fault. I understand that you were just trying to help."

"No, I get it. I overstepped and I'm sorry for that too."

"You didn't overstep. You heard that your brother and his family were in a tough situation and you did what you thought was right. You've always had a good heart Rowan, anyone can agree."

I chuckled. "Seriously? I'm pretty sure everyone here is waiting for the right time to kill me."

"Half these people don't know who you are. As long as you mean something to Piney and me, you'll be fine."

I took a drag of my cigarette and blew the smoke out into rounded circles. A trick I had picked up in my dark days. "So, what is going on with you?"

Op glanced away. "Ya know, it's rough. SAMCRO scrambles to make their money. Lyla tries but I hate the whole porn thing. I thought once we got married she'd stop but she only seems to want to do it more. I don't know. I know money isn't everything but I'd like to give my kids what they want. I'd like to have that extra cash to have some support…It's just not happening for me."

"Guess you just have to have the faith that something will pick up for SAMCRO among all the violence."

"Death surrounds this club."

I stood up and looked down at my brother. "I know you do it for your kids, Op. I know you do." I reached in my back pocket and pulled out the check. I placed it in his hand. "Take it. It's for the kids."

I was surprised by what happened next. Opie stood up and wrapped his arms around me. I hadn't hugged Opie like this since we were kids when innocence was key and our naïve nature ruled out. He kissed my forehead before he pulled away.

"Thank you Rowan."

"No need for thanks."

I walked away, hoping I could go into the clubhouse and convince Piney to take me home, when Unser's truck pulled into the lot. He had someone else along with him and when I saw just who it was I stopped in my tracks. The party had gravitated outside and there was a large crowd. I didn't want whatever happened between Rob and me to have an audience. Especially not a SAMCRO audience.

"Someone has been looking for you, Rowan," Wayne stated as he approached me. I respected Unser but right about now I was furious. I wished I had spoken to him about Rob just in case something like this did happen he wouldn't bring him to me. But I never thought Rob would have the guts to show up in Charming.

Rob rushed toward me and threw his arms around me, but unlike Opie's hug I wanted nothing more than to push him away.

"Rob, what are you doing?" I asked, still shocked.

"Rowan, you haven't answered any of my calls. I'm here to bring you home where you should be."

"I don't want to go home."

Rob glared down at me. "Rowan, don't act like this. You hate this place. You've told me a million times. Now let's get your stuff and go home so you can rest."

What happened next was even more surprising than Opie's hug. Jax was by my side in an instinct and I watched as his fist came into contact with Rob's jaw.

"Jax!" I shouted as Rob stumbled backwards. I knew Rob wouldn't back down from a fight but the last thing I needed was for a brawl outside of TM…Especially a brawl over me.

"You have a lot of fucking nerve showing up here!" Jax spat as Opie and Tig pulled him back.

"You want to say that to my face?" Rob countered. "She's my fiancé, asshole."

"Rob!" I shouted and smacked my hand on his chest causing him to look down at me. "You shut up. You have no business here."

"I swear to God, Rowan, I am taking you home. These are a bunch of fucking animals."

His words hurt but I knew he was right. I left for a reason. I left because I knew I was so much better and that made me feel bitter and worthless. I had enjoyed the last few days even if they were met with ups and downs. I had actually been happy as if all along I had been missing this part of my life. A life that I gave up on but for some reason needed to keep moving. I loved everyone and I had missed them. They meant something to me. Yet I knew I couldn't stay here. It would only cause more problems and I didn't want that for SAMCRO. I needed to focus on getting better, getting back to work, and making sure I protected SAMCRO in any way I could even if they didn't want the protection. Piney, Opie, Jax…They were important to me.

Jax was lunging for Rob again when I stepped in his way, protecting the other man I loved in ways that even I couldn't wrap my head around.

"Jax…Just don't."

Jax stared at me, his eyes seething, as I made my decision that I no longer could make it easy for him. It was time for me to go. I went to straight toward Piney who looked terrible. I wanted to cry right there but I just couldn't.

"I'll pick up my stuff at the house, it was nice to spend time with you."

"Yeah," he replied never looking me in the eye. "Goodbye."

Gemma was next to him, holding my bag, and I went to grab it but she pulled it back along with me. She stared at me and spoke loud enough for just us to hear it. "Use it if you must."

I swallowed hard as she dropped her grip on my bag and I took it in my hand, feeling the weight inside, and knowing what she had given me. I nodded at her and went to Unser's truck. I didn't bother to look at Opie and Jax because those were the two faces that would have killed me the most. I just knew I had to do what was right.

Rob and I were out of Charming only a half hour later and he was holding my hand tightly as he apologized over and over for his behavior and went on and on about how lonely he had been. All I could think about was my need to throw up and if I didn't get out of this car soon I was going to lose it.

We were almost in Palisades when my phone started to ring. I went to grab it but Rob snatched it and I stared at him. Was he really checking to see who it was?

"It's Jaclyn."

I pulled it out of his hands. "Yeah, it's my phone. Thanks for checking."

I answered it and looked out the window. "Hello?"

"Rowan, hey, I'm sure you're glad to hear from me."

"Could have been sooner."

"I figured you would say that…But something has happened and I figured you should hear it from me."

"What happened?"

"Well the Adelaide police department received a 911 call from Detective Benson's house early this afternoon. When police arrived they found Benson's wife in the bedroom…Stabbed to death. She was eight months pregnant."

I couldn't hold back anymore. "Pull over!"

Rob jammed on the breaks, pulling to the side, where I opened the car door and flung myself out. Even when I felt like nothing more would come up I kept heaving as I tried to grasp for air and control my thoughts. What was happening?