Well Central Control Point (BLU Controlled)
The BLUs were startled at the announcement of another Freak in the area. Although, they first dismissed it as the Freak that was going to get the damn Sewer Medic out of Well, but that distorted howling put second thoughts in their minds. All nine mercenaries were gathered at the Central Point, waiting for either the REDs or the new Freak to make a move. The sudden silence put everyone on edge, many of the mercs getting itchy trigger fingers or antsy. Soldier turned to Scout, the Boston batter nervously shaking his can of Atomic BONK!
"Scout, go and check out the outside," He ordered. "The Freak's probably got those RED bastards distracted."
"Hell no!" Scout exclaimed, ceasing his shaking. "Last time I went out with a rampant Freak on the map, I got my head punched off and my chest eaten! I ain't going." He turned towards the wall, crossing his arms with an audible humph. Sniper and Spy, both keeping an eye out for the Freak or REDS, were dumbfounded by the noticeable emptiness of Well.
"I can't see the bugger anywhere." Sniper said, squinting through his rifle scope. "Better not be a Spy Freak, then he's probably invisible, waiting to drive a knife up our asses and wear our skulls as a hat." Spy turned away from the window, a bemused frown crossing his face.
"You sound like Soldier, right now," Spy noted. "And it won't be a Spy Freak. I know my wails, and zat was an Engineer. It sounded very agitated."
"Last thing we need right now is an agitated Freak that can kill us with its bare hands." Sniper muttered. While Scout and Soldier were arguing about who should go and check out the outside for foes, Demoman sat idly atop a crate, drinking a bottle of scrumpy, and swaying dizzily. In his blurred vision, Demoman noticed the familiar blur of Engineer standing near him, but something was off about his head.
"Aye, Engie m'lad." Demoman slurred, putting a hand on the blur's shoulder. "Either I've had too much to drink, or Medic's screwed up your head to look like a woman's *burp*." The blurred Engineer growled before him, shaking violently. Demoman felt someone tap on his shoulder, turning to see Engineer, looking normally, standing next to him.
"Demo, buddy," Engineer shakily said. "Ah'm right here, and that sure as hell ain't me." Demoman gave a confused frown, looking at the two Engineer blurs before him. Eventually, his vision started to clear up, giving him a full look at the other Engineer he was currently pressing a hand to.
"Tuo uoy yal annog m'hA!" The other Engineer shouted, its dialect reversed. Demoman gave a surprised yelp, he and Engineer scrambling away from the monstrosity. The other BLUs turned to see the commotion, all giving wide-eyed glares at the bizarre creature before them. Like Demoman said, it looked like a BLU Engineer, but his face and head was far from normal, namely its mouth. It was deformed, the mouth forming a slit-like opening that revealed several rows of sharp teeth, the bottom of the chin reaching the lower portion of its pectorals.
Scout described it's look very accurately. "Jeez! That thing's face should be censored! It's like someone's f***ed up porno-creature!"
The mutant Engineer growled, pointing a gloved finger at Scout. "Ytinigriv sih gnipeek ta doog gninnur si tnelat ylno esohw kaeuqspip a ton m'hA tsael ta!" It threw its head back and gave a reversed, manic laughter.
"Hey, up yours, uterus-face!" Scout snarled, shaking a fist. Medic looked to Scout, surprised at Scout's reply.
"Did you understand vat ze Freak is saying?" Medic asked.
"Nah," Scout admitted. "I'm just good at reading text backwards."
...
"Vat?" Medic asked. The mutant Engineer stomped towards the BLUs, a menacing glare reflected in his twisted goggles.
"Rennid ym htiw nuf gnivah saw hA elihw 'ere deggard saw hA." The mutant chuckled in its odd dialect. "Rennid s'reenigaV a gnimoceb fo erusaelp eht e bot teg lla'y, 'ere era lla'y fo lla ecnis, tub." Releasing another insane cackle, the mercs took that as a sign to run for their lives. Scout and Pyro dove out an open window, Demoman and Engineer jumped into the sewer entrance, Soldier joined with Sniper and Spy, hurrying across the upstairs rooftops. Medic and Heavy were not so fortunate to escape as the monstrous Vagineer (yes, that's its name, censor me if you want to whine about it) grabbed the two. Heavy and Medic turned, seeing that the Vagineer had shot its hands at the two, and was holding them back by a thick rope that came from the stumps where its arms once had been. Their screams could be heard from outside the complex, as Vagineer tore their heads off and consumed their corpses with its grotesque teeth. It saw the entrance to the sewers, detecting the scent of alcohol from the Demoman that touched him. Internally grinning, the Vagineer leapt into the sewers, engaging in the hunt.
Water splashed all around Engineer and Demoman as the two bounded through the sewers, hoping to escape the wrath of the Vagineer.
"Why the hell did they have to design a Freak with mah DNA," Engineer growled. "And have to make it uglier than my ex-wife without her makeup!"
"You're really bloody complaining about that now?" Demoman irately growled. "Just run like the Loch Ness Monster's on your arse!" The two were so focused on escaping one dangerous Freak, they had completely forgotten about the other dangerous Freak. Prepared to defend his territory, Sewer Medic surfaced from the shallow waters, shrieking at the BLU intruders.
"Get out of my sewer!" He barked. Engineer paused for a moment, pointing down the pipe and back where they came from. Slapping a wet palm on his forehead, Engineer felt incredibly stupid for the first time in forever.
"Damn it, we went through the RED sewers." He groaned. Demoman steadily approached the Freak, hoping to reason with it.
"Please, laddie!" Demoman begged. "You gotta let us past! There's an Engineer Freak trying to kill us and eat our livers!"
"If he eats yours," Engineer muttered. "It might kill him. Who knew alcoholism could save us today!"
"Quit your jokes, hard-hat!" Demoman snapped. He turned back to the Sewer Medic, still looking like an irritated neighbor. "Please! It's got a messed up face, and said something in a backwards language that Scout somehow understood and..."
"Vait," Sewer Medic interrupted, raising a gloved hand. "An Engineer Freak zat speaks in a backwards language?" His expression slightly changed to fear. "Did it have a face like a woman's genitalia?"
"Yeah, you know him?" Engineer asked.
"He is of a race of feared Freaks," Sewer Medic explained. "Ze Vagineers are ze oldest Freaks in creation, and are of the most dangerous ilk. Zey are both feared and hated by many of us Freaks, but zere are certain members zat are notorious." A distant scraping echoed throughout the sewers, unknown and unheard by the BLUs and Freak while the mutant Freak crawled his way through the pipe. "Necroborg, Mssnor, Vagi-miner, Purple, the Progenator, but the most dreaded one of all is..."
"Em." The Vagineer snarled, dropping into the waters. Engineer, Demoman, and Sewer Medic all wafted through the waters, looks of peril and fear frozen on their faces.
"Ze BUGLER!" Sewer Medic screamed, splashing in the waters as the Vagineer began flinging Golden Wrenches at the trio. Sewer Medic and Engineer dodged the wrenches with relative ease, but Demoman was not as fortunate as one of the shining tools struck him in the head, breaking his skull and rendering him dead. Sewer Medic grabbed Engineer and pulled him as he sped through the waters like a bullet.
"Em morf nur nac lla'y kniht t'nod!" The Bugler shouted, bounding over Demoman's corpse and splashing through the sewers. Sewer Medic eventually led Engineer to the entrance pipe to the RED Base, shoving the Texan through the open sewer lid that was dented like Scout's upper body.
"Get ze REDs, get to high ground," Sewer Medic ordered. "I vill hold of ze Bugler as long as I can. If he kills me, I vill return to my home, and I vill seek out ze one Freak who can defeat him."
Engineer looked at Sewer Medic, the previous rage on his face replaced with determination and courage, and tipped his helmet in acknowledgement. "Good luck, pardner." With that, Engineer ran off into the base as Sewer Medic closed the lid, sliding down into the pipe. Ahead of him was the furious Bugler, roaring and charging like a wild bull. Sewer Medic threw his head back, built up the power, and unleashed a devastating Sonic Scream that shook the foundations of Well with the fury of an earthquake.
Mann Co. Headquarters
Saxton Hale's Trophy Room
After realizing his grievous mistake, Saxton Hale spent the next five minutes hammering his head against a display case of a stuffed Yeti, while Miss Pauling conferred with Intelligent Heavy on matters at hand.
"The Bugler will tear them apart," Miss Pauling said. "Both the REDs and BLUs, and we could be in even more trouble if he escapes into the Badlands. Last thing we need is a Freak that dangerous rampaging throughout New Mexico."
"Then what do we do?" Intelligent Heavy asked, tapping his fingers together. "Not many Good Freaks can kill Bugler, and Evil Freaks will be just as bad."
"Why not a neutral Freak?" Saxton muttered. "I bet a Freak that's got a grudge against that Vagineer will no doubt fight the bugger." Intelligent Heavy beamed, snapping his fingers.
"I know two!" He exclaimed. His face fell, however, as the pot-wearing Freak sat down. "But... They will not work together..." Miss Pauling's eyes lit up, knowing exactly what two Freaks could defeat the Bugler and his special ally. It'll be tough, but they could convince them to put aside their differences and take down that monstrosity.
"Heavy, I want you to go Insanity, USA, and pick up your pal." Miss Pauling ordered. "I'll get Polite Spy on the horn and he'll go and retrieve extra help from the Crazed Countryside. Mr. Hale," Saxton stopped pounding his head and turned towards the assistant. "Thanks for the idea." A small smile lifted Hale's mustache as he walked towards his desk. He waved Miss Pauling and Intelligent Heavy out of his office before propping his feet atop his desk.
Looks like things are coming up Saxton. He mirthfully thought. A computer screen rose out from the wall, displaying the furious face of the Administrator.
"HALE!" She screamed.
I can't get a moment's rest, can I? Hale woefully thought, prepared to deal with the spawn from Hell that was the Administrator.
Insanity, USA
Spycrabs scuttled idly around the park area, wandering about with no real reason. Although normally traveling in packs, one lone BLU Spycrab separated itself from the rest of the group, taking interest in a random rock. A rustling in the bushes garnered its attention, followed by the sound of shotgun clicks. The poor Spycrab barely had any time to react when a red blur pounced out of the bushes, roaring a battle cry. In a matter of seconds, Painis Cupcake was sitting atop the scattered remains of a Spycrab, a chunk of arm stuck in his teeth. He smiled to himself, enjoying the life that he lived. Fights against lesser Freaks, plenty of alone time to himself, and as much food as he could eat.
He turned his head at the sound of rustling bushes, seeing Intelligent Heavy emerge from the foliage. Although their friendship, along with others, had been divided ever since Christian Brutal Sniper abandoned them for Lord DeGroot, Painis and Intelligent Heavy were still decent friends, and occasionally spent time together.
"Hi, Painis." Intelligent Heavy greeted. Painis was about to respond, but swallowed his meat first before replying.
"What's up, Heavy?" Painis asked. "I'm in the middle of my lunch." Intelligent Heavy tapped his fingers nervously, fidgeting around in place, watching as Painis took another bite out of a leg.
"Well, you see, Mann Co. needs help," Intelligent Heavy explained. "Boss Saxton accidentally sent evil Bugler Vagineer to Well, where RED and BLU are fighting." Painis nearly choked on his meat, shocked at Hale's choice of releasing the Bugler. Painis and the Bugler had a long history of constant battles and fights, a feud known amongst Freaks to see which of the oldest Freaks were the strongest. The battles constantly had different victors, be it Painis or the Bugler, and sometimes even ended in stalemate. Just the mere mention of the Bugler's name set Painis' blood boiling.
"Why the hell do they want me?" Painis grumbled.
"You are only Freak who has truly beaten Bugler in battle," Intelligent Heavy said. "I can think of no other perfect fighter." Painis turned his head, looking at Intelligent Heavy's pleading look. Painis didn't care for the mercenaries, treating them more as sport and food, but if aiding them meant taking the Bugler down a notch...
"I'll do it," Painis beamed. "Just to wipe the genitals off Bugler's ugly face." Intelligent Heavy gleefully smiled, scooping Painis up in a tough bear hug. The two friends walked out of the park, heading towards the transporter. However, unknown to both of them, a certain pair of murderous Freaks was spying on them. Christian Brutal Sniper, masked by the bushes, looked to Gentlespy, surprised at the recent interaction.
"Looks like we got another Freak Fight on our hands." Christian Brutal said.
"Oui, my friend." Gentlespy agreed. "A Freak Fight amongst legends."
Freak Holding Facility
The Crazed Countryside
Of all the Freak Holding Facilities devised by Mann Co, many have considered the Crazed Countryside to be the most serene. Lush rolling green hills, small houses and trees dotting the landscape, the cooling breeze blowing in the wind, and the cheerful birds fluttering in the sky. It was if someone took a chunk out of Wyoming, put walls around it, and stuck a bunch of incredibly dangerous mutant clones inside. Nevertheless, the Crazed Countryside was a place that could truly be considered to be peaceful.
At the foot of a grand oak tree, there sat a picnic for one. The one occupant was a BLU Sniper Freak with an unnatural deformity. His legs were bent in what appeared to be a painful way, the feet just about two feet distant from his shoulders, resulting in him floating midair. His stomach was slightly bloated, the upper chest appeared to be twisted. Enlarged hands clutched a slightly small head, while a happy smile rested on the Freak's face. He simply floated there with a black forest cake resting nearby, content with his current day.
"Hello, Weaselcake, my friend." Greeted Polite Spy. Weaselcake, the Sniper Freak, so relaxed, didn't notice the smiling BLU Spy Freak standing next to him. Turning his head slightly (resulting in a nearby explosion for reasons unexplained), and greeted Polite Spy with a smile.
"What's up, mate?" Weaselcake asked. "Care for a slice of cake?" Polite Spy smiled, sitting down next to Weaselcake.
"Unfortunately, I have to turn that offer down, my friend." Polite Spy said. "I am here on strict Mann Co. business." Weaselcake frowned slightly, hovering towards his friend. "It appears that the Bugler Vagineer has been accidentally released to the area of Well, where the RED and BLU mercenaries are currently working."
"The Bugler got out?" Weaselcake said, aghast. "I thought they stuffed him down in Maximum Security after the Containment Breach."
"Well, they released him when they were supposed to send Heavydile." Polite Spy explained. "I'm here to ask you to help, seeing as you are capable of defeating his pet monster, Snyphurr." Weaselcake's frown deepened, hating the aspect of the monster that his brother Freak had become and even more at the Freak he was serving. Seeing his friend's frown, Polite Spy put a hand on Weaselcake's shoulder, giving a reassuring smile. "I know I don't ask you much, but could you please help?" Weaselcake thought for a while. He knew he wasn't nearly as strong as the Bugler himself, but he could still hold back Snyphurr when the time called for it. Also, it was always impossible to refuse to someone as kind as Polite Spy. Sighing in defeat, Weasel Cake rose higher into the air, lifting Polite Spy with him.
"Let's have a go at it." Weaselcake said. Polite Spy smiled, and the two commenced travel towards the nearest transport station, and prepared to face off against one of the dreaded Vagineers.
Freak-Lopedia
The Bugler Vagineer
The Bugler is a Vagineer, a BLU Engineer Freak created by Youtuber Clovernoodle. The Bugler is considered by many to be one of the most dangerous, if not the, Freak in existence. Part of the Vagineer race, he retains many of his inbred abilities: Super strength, the ability to fire and regenerate limbs, ravenous cannibalistic appetite, and incredible jumping prowess. The Bugler, like other Vagineers, speaks in a reversed dialect, known as "Vaginese". The Bugler is also in possession of a relic known as the Bugle, a device that, when played, summons a powerful Freak God known as the Snyphurr.
Weaselcake
Weaselcake is a BLU (originally RED) Sniper Freak created by Youtuber Sonicrulez11. Weaselcake was once a normal Sniper, captured by a Medic of his own team, mutating him with a variety of powers and breaking his legs. Weaselcake broke free, turning his captor into Jarate, leading to the birth of Doc Jarate. Weaselcake has a variety of color-coded powers, including telekinesis, teleportation, acid vomit, head-implosion, limb/fat reduction, a nailgun, Jarate-cise, and CAKE. Weaselcake also has an elongated tongue, used to grab food and foes from a distance. As an added oddity, whenever he turns his head, a random explosion occurs. Weaselcake is a passive-aggressive Freak, only getting involved in combat with others as a self-defense. Weaselcake is also the long-lost brother to the legendary Snyphurr.
(If anyone complains about Vagineers being "inappropriate", I will personally sick Heavydile on them)