Chapter 14: Strange Behavior
Lydia had passed out in her room in the early morning hours, her head resting on a stack of paperwork and drool. It was only the sound of Beetlejuice's grating voice booming on the other side of the door that caused her to jump straigth up, grab her spit-laced stack of legal papers and shove them in between her matresses.
"Hey, Mrs. Juice!" he yelled, banging loudly. "You awake in there? I got somethin' fer ya!"
"What?" she said with irritation, not happy with the literal rude awakening to go along with the figerative one she'd already had last night.
"Just come out, Babe!" he demanded, as she came out still in her long nightgown, wiping the sleep from her exhausted eyes.
"Okay, BJ. I'm out. What do you want?" she raised a brow, though she tried not to feel or act too irritable at the moment.
"I made ya breakfast!" he crooned, grabbing her by the arm and leading her into the kitchen, where she was led to a table with a full spread of scrambled eggs, bacon, waffles, the works. It would have been sweet if he wasn't secretly going to throw her in a high security prison for a thousand years as an escape plan. Yep, real sweet.
It did smell pretty good, however. "Looks great!" she exclaimed, planting a big, fake smile on her lips. "How very thoughtful of you..." she spoke, trying her best not to make that sound like a smartassed remark due to her anger.
He paused a moment, glancing at her, most likely due to her tone. "You alright?"
"Yeah," Lydia laughed nervously. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"You don't sound alright..." his eyes narrowed. Damn, she'd have to do better than that. More than likely, he was picking up on her bad mood, and that was proving to be nearly impossible for her to quell. How did one simply not feel something? She'd have to think fast. Her afterlife depended on it.
"It's fine, BJ." she blew him off, seating herself. "Aren't you going to join me?"
He gave her a leary glance, before seating himself. "I'll join ya." he agreed, dumping large piles of food on top of each other on his plate in the most disgusting manner possible. He then pulled a massive jar of dead cockroaches from his pants pocket and dumped them on top of the already repulsive mess. It was quite putrid.
Feeling her gag reflex kick in, Lydia quickly looked away, paying attention to her own food, which looked far less repugnant by comparison.
She'd just shoved a big spoon of eggs in her mouth, when the sounds of Beetlejuice crunching dead bugs between his teeth caused her to nearly choke on it. She forced herself to chew and swallow, only to see a massive cockroach crawl slowly by her plate. Her eyes grew wide as Beetle's hand came down and splatted the poor creature, pulling it toward himself and leaving a nasty green trail of bug guts smeared behind.
"Sorry, Babe. Had a live one in there." he grinned, before shoving the insect in his mouth with a very audible crunch.
Lydia stared at him in horror, slowly placing her spoon down. "Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah. Shoot." he shrugged, still chewing far too loudly for her liking.
"Do you have to eat like that?" she asked, trying not to focus too much on the antenna sticking out of the corner of his mouth.
"Pretty much. Part of the curse, Babe. Regular food don't taste no good to me no more. Just bugs. Told ya this bein' dead thing was creepy." he remarked, picking a dead roach out of some thick gravy and dropping it in his mouth afterword.
Serves the asshole right, Lydia thought in secret. "That sucks." she replied, keeping that thought to herself, however.
"Yeah, well, the B-man's used to it. It's gross as hell, though." he said, pausing mid-crunch. "Uh, you want me to eat in there?" he asked awkwardly, pointing his thumb toward the living room, apparently trying to be considerate. Once again, Lydia only felt more scorn deep inside. If he wanted to be considerate, he should have told her the truth in the first place, then maybe she wouldn't have felt compelled to vomit out their sham of a marriage to some stranger.
"No, you don't have to. I'll get used to it." she muttered, trying her best to sound normal and failing. It was just so hard to keep that level of emotion at bay when it was so damn loud and powerful inside of her.
"Why are ya so pissed off?" he blurted out, apparently sensing the strong emotions she couldn't hide. "Was it what I said last night?"
Caught off guard, Lydia paused a moment. That was it! If she couldn't stifle her anger, she could misdirect it. He'd never know the difference! "Well...I mean, it was kind of weird." she admitted, pretending to be far more bothered by his offer-slash-request for sex than she actually was.
"What the fuck is weird about it?" he remarked, seeming almost offended. This would be a great distraction. Juno said not to fight fair, and she was going to do just that. "We're married! Besides, I said no pressure! I wasn't bein' a dick about it!" he began to raise his voice. Yep, this would definitely work.
"Yeah, but we're still friends, BJ." she narrowed her eyes, redirecting the anger she felt into the potential argument at hand. "I feel like you may be trying to push me into being something else. What happened to my freedom in all of this?" she asked, purposely trying to provoke him.
"I ain't pushin' yer ass!" he spat, bug legs shooting out of his mouth. "You can do whatever the hell ya want, Juice! I was just bein' honest with ya!"
Now Lydia was really pissed. That red, hot burning sensation returned to her skin. Sure, he made it a point to be honest about wanting sex, but not about something that could ruin her whole afterlife forever. Real honest there, she thought ruefully to herself. "Are you sure that isn't all you want out of me?!" she stood up, realizing that maybe a small piece of her self truly wondered that.
"Fuck no! I already poured my heart out to ya! I ain't gonna sit here and stroke yer wounded ego just to get you to believe my ass! I told ya it ain't just that shit!" he yelled, jumping up to meet her and flinging his chair across the room.
"So why bring it up?!" Lydia gave him an accusing glare.
"Cause I'm a dude? Why the fuck do ya think?! My ass ain't got laid in over ten years, Lydia! I told ya you don't have to! Of course I'm gonna want it! Whaddaya think I am, some sort of dickless ghost?!" he fumed, flailing about wildly.
"You think after one night of buttering me up that I'll just sleep with you?" she scoffed, feeling fire in her veins. Maybe she could piss him off enough to leave, if only for a while. She did need him to be away just long enough to slip out and meet up with Juno again.
"NO! We were just gettin' along real good, Babe! I thought it wouldn't hurt ta ask! Forgive me for tryin' to be all nice about it. There really ain't no winnin' with yer ass, is there? You're fuckin' impossible!" he yelled, storming about the room and kicking another chair over in a fit of rage.
"Impossible?" she scoffed, crossing her arms defiantly. "I may be impossible, but at least I'm not pathetic." she spat, lacing her last word with extra venom.
"STOP IT!" his voice boomed, causing the lights to flicker.
Before Lydia knew what hit her, she found herself thrown into a chair and strapped down with a hundred belts or more. Her eyes grew wide as she whimpered, struggling to get free. It was a sobering reality of just how fast and powerful he really was. She really had the worst judgment in all the planes of existence, and marrying him proved that. What would be a normal fight to any other couple, ended up with her strapped down like an actual hostage. She could only whimper, trying to break free. Even her ghostly abilities wouldn't make her budge. He was too powerful.
He grew quiet and menacing as the room fell dark, which was even more unnerving, given it was morning outside. He stepped up to her, leering so close his forehead nearly touched her own. "Now, yer gonna calm the fuck down, and yer gonna do it now, Mrs. Juice. There ain't no need to go callin me shit like that. Kapeesh?" he growled, his saliva hitting her face and causing her to wince.
Lydia nodded fearfully, knowing she'd struck a nerve. Part of her felt satisfied to give him a little taste of his own medicine, yet the other part hoped she hadn't pushed him too far for her own sake. Either way, this was the distraction she needed to catch him off guard and hide the truth, and Juno did say by any means necessary.
He glared long and hard into her eyes, before backing away and pulling up a seat of his own, making her feel like she was truly being interrogated this time. "Ya think I don't know that shit already? I know I'm a ball bag, but I didn't tell ya to marry me. You did it all by yer little self. So I said to myself, okay, let's make the most of it..." he began. "I ain't been sleepin' around on yer ass, I've been tryin' to be a good boy like I'm yer fuckin' lapdog...Truth is, I don't think it's my problem anymore. You just ain't gonna trust me no matter what the fuck I do..."
What would normally evoke a bit of compassion and humility from Lydia, only bred more contempt inside of her. "Maybe I have good reason not to..." she seethed, her eyes shooting daggers at him. He could act like the victim all he wanted, but that was just it - an act. She didn't know how he could play her so hard like that, to pretend she was something special to him, only to see her as disposable once things became too rough. At least if he would've come up with an escape plan involving both of them, then maybe she could have reconsidered. But he didn't, he simply lied to her to keep her complicit in case he ever needed an escape route. She had damned good reasons not to trust his ass, and it cut her deeply. Much to her embarrassment, her eyes began to blur from hot tears. She gritted her teeth, averting her eyes from him as a hot tear rolled down her left cheek.
The room fell silent again, as Lydia fought back the urge to weep uncontrollably. Damn her and her emotions!
"Ah, fuck..." she closed her eyes tightly as tears began to seep out. "Shit..." she cursed under her breath.
"No! Don't do that!" Beetlejuice's voice seemed to panic from the other side of the room. "Shit! Shit! Shit!" he fumbled about, knocking his chair back over to the floor. He ran up to her, snapping his fingers and causing all the restrictive straps to unclasp at once. "Don't cry!" he snapped, waving his hands hysterically.
"I'm trying not to!" Lydia snapped back, quickly wiping at her face and feeling humiliated. "I didn't want to in the first place, you moron!"
"Okay, okay..." he backed off, reverting back to scolded puppy mode. "Look, I lost mah temper, and I'm a dickhole, and you'll never hear another word outta me about doodlin' ya, okay? I'll punch myself in the dick if I have to!" he got down on his knees seeming to plead with her. Okay, that was completely unexpected. Why was he doing that?
"Uh..." she stared, completely baffled. Was this even real, or was he manipulating her again?
"Look, ya wanna be friends, I'll be friends. Don't worry about the marriage thing. We'll pretend and hope fer the best." he sighed, running his hand over his face. "Just don't run off on me or anything..."
That last remark was very telling, given the new information that Lydia had just learned from Juno. "Why?" she asked, gaining her bearings.
"Because we gotta stay together, Babe. We're stuck. No way outta this one." he reasoned. "It's gotta look like we're married no matter what we are. I guess I might a been pushin' a little. I figured if it was the real deal,we wouldn't have to go around pretendin' and shit all the time, ya know? I mean, it wouldn't be pretendin' fer me, anyway, Babe."
"And what's supposed to happen if someone finds out the truth?" Lydia asked, teetering dangerously too close to the truth. "You said bad shit. What bad shit? You never told me..." Okay, now she was just being careless. Regardless, a part of her just had to hear it from him.
Beetlejuice paused a moment, narrowing his eyes. "I guess I was bankin' on that NOT happenin'. " he admitted, shying away from the answer.
"...And if it does?" she egged on, steering the discussion right back.
"Then one of us is gettin' put away, Toots." he stated flatly, glaring at her.
"By one of us, you mean me, don't you? You'd have me put away for all this?"
"Look, Babe. You ain't never been locked up. They'll go easy on ya, I swear!" he insisted, throwing his hands up. "What could be a slap on the wrist for you...Hell, it would be a permanent ass fuck fer me. It ain't like I want that shit ta happen! I didn't trap yer ass, remember? I was gonna marry a breather and let you go! Now, since we're all in this marriage of inconvenience and all, I figured maybe you an' me..." he said, gesturing wildly between the two of them. "Maybe we could make it work, ya know? Cuz I knew if it didn't, one of us would fuck up eventually, and it would probably be you, given you ain't real good at lyin' and shit like I am."
"No kidding..." Lydia remarked, under her breath. Yeah, he was really good at lying alright, and he was still lying to her.
He glared at her for that remark before continuing. "So, yeah, I pushed for it. But, hey you got yer point across loud an' clear, Babe. You don't wanna be Mrs. Juice, you don't gotta be. I'll let this shit go, cause it ain't worth it. I'll push ya too far, and you'll run away and shit like I've seen ya do before. Then it's only a matter a time before the feds come knockin' at mah door. And I can't get away from those fuckers, they've been on to me too long."
"Fine." she agreed, knowing that it was all going to end for him pretty soon anyway. "So what do we do now?"
"You'll be Mrs. Juice outside of these walls only. As far as I'm concerned, you're Lydia-Fuckin-Deetz in here. If it keeps things from fallin' apart, then I ain't got no choice in the matter. I won't follow ya around or do any of that shit. Just keep us in the clear, Babe. You ain't gotta answer to my ass no more, but just be warned," he paused, his voice growing dark and menacing, "I ain't gotta answer to yours either. Whaddaya say? Is it a truce, Lydia Deetz?" he asked, holding out his hand.
Lydia inhaled deeply, pushing back any feelings she still held for him, both rage and anything else she was holding onto. She choked down her pain, and simply tried to let it go. It was far too late, and she knew far too much about him. She had a mission to accomplish, and that was saving her from the very fate that he was lying to her about. As far as she was concerned, she'd just placed herself firmly on the right track to get herself out of this mess. This new agreement would equal a newfound freedom that would allow her to get him locked away before he could return the favor.
"It's a truce, BJ." she replied, grabbing his hand and shaking it firmly, noting that it no longer carried that spark of electric between them. "Friends?" she asked, raising a brow. Lydia had to make things seem believable, so she extended the olive branch that she normally would.
"Compadres, Deetz." he grinned, though she couldn't help but be disturbed by that feral gleam that was now forming in his eye again.