TRIGGER WARNING. There is self harm and tons of feels. Wow wow the end of this chapter or even the middle, is really sad. If you don't want to get into your feelings maybe, just maybe you should skip this chapter, but I would like to say there ain't nothing wrong with crying a little. Sorry it took me so long to upload but I must admit it is a tad bit longer than usual. Please enjoy if you dare read this chapter of feels and do review.

Chapter 14 Draco

Shit fucking bloody bollucks. That's how I feel right now. My head is pounding and I'm lying in the fucking trash. What's even worst is all I wanted, was to make Harry jealous and have some really great sex but I can't even remember last bloody night. Now Nott's missing to top it all off.

"Damn Harry, did you roofie all of us last night? What was that stuff?" Cody moans.

I instantly sneer. Her and her boyish looks and feminine body have been irritating me all night. Harry could do so much better. And her mouth is just awful. At least that Ash fellow was polite. This girl has no class.

"No no, it's some new stuff. It doesn't really matter. We gotta find Nott."

We all drag our pitiful selves and walk toward the main street. As expected, the roads are deserted. It's probably 3 or 4 in the morning. Harry pulls out a cigarette and lights it with steady fingers despite his sluggish walk and slurred words. After taking a hit, he leans towards me.

"We gotta leave Cody if we want to find Nott in a timely fashion. Without magic, this is going to take forever," he whispers in my ear. That's the first great thing I've heard all morning. Despite my excitement, I coolly shrug and Harry takes that as a yes. He leans in the opposite direction towards Cody.

"Hey babe, is it ok if we take you home?"

She frowns. "What about that Nott bloke? I'm not going to ditch you guys," she protests.

He takes another drag from the cigarette and exhales slowly. "I know these streets pretty well. I can probably find him by myself a lot quicker. Plus, I feel awful about the state we're in right now. You should go home and rest and I'll call you later," he says gently. I almost throw up at how sweet Harry's voice sounds.

Cody ponders his words for a moment and then her frown smoothens out. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, definitely. Do you want me to walk you? Or," Harry reaches into his pocket, pulling out a few rumpled notes and a pair of black, lace underwear. "Would these happen to be yours?" Harry laughs. Cody gives him a devilish grin.

"And why would you have my panties, Harry Potter?"

"I really wish I could remember how I got them," He tells her, his voice as smooth as silk. I almost gag at their conversation.

"I guess that's a conversation we can have later, eh?" she giggles, plucking the underwear out of his hands.

"Oh yes it is. So do you want me to walk you home?"

"I'm sure the bint can walk herself," I mutter softly to myself, but Harry shoots me a pointed glare.

Cody laughs, not hearing what I said. "Actually I think I know where I am." She pulls out a few notes and a tiny cellphone from her cleavage. She smiles at our shocked faces. "It's nice being a girl sometimes. Do you guys need to make a call before we part ways?"

Harry laughs lightly. "No we're fine, thanks though," he answers. Harry grabs Cody's waist and pulls her in for a hug. He then aims to plant a kiss on her cheek but Cody turns her head, catching his lips. Harry quickly pulls away with a laugh and a sly grin that mirrors Cody's. My insides turn to fire. The small gesture makes me jealous for some reason and I don't like the feeling at all.

"Don't forget to call me later, ok?" Cody tells him.

Harry gives her a cheeky wink and begins to walk away. I stare between the two for a stunned moment. Cody frowns, but smiles again when she catches me watching her. I look away eventually and jog to catch up to Harry who's now walking at a brisk, non-drunk pace.

"So when we turn this corner we can apparate to my place because I have some potions for hangovers and then we can find your boyfriend," Harry says without looking at me.

"He's my boyfriend just as much as Cody is your girlfriend."

Harry frowns at my words, but doesn't say anything. Actually, I think he walks a little faster and I thank Merlin for my long legs. As soon as we turn the corner, he grabs my arm and without warning, apparates on the spot. We end up in his living room.

"Thanks for the warning arsehole," I whine.

Harry just shrugs and walks to his bed room. In no time he's back with two sparking vials and downs one after handing me my own. I follow his actions and instantly feel better, my head feeling a thousand times lighter than when I woke up.

"Thanks Har-" I try to get out, but suddenly Harry's lips are on mine. I pull apart instantly, confused. "Potter what are you doing?"

"I'm sorry for last night, you're right. I was being stupid last night," Harry says in between kisses he expertly places on my neck and jaw line. "I'm just glad there are fewer clothes to take off," he adds before kissing me deeply on the lips.

I pull away quickly. "I'm not doing anything before I get a bloody shower."

He runs one hand down to my arse and moans in my ear. "Shower. Yes. I like that," he says in a breathy voice.

I'm breathless, but try to concentrate on my thoughts and not his very skilled hands that work their way up and down my body. "Harry I never called you stupid and I thought we just came here to regroup. I thought we were going to find Nott, you know, track his wand or something."

Harry briefly stops sucking on my collar bone to say, "Yes, regroup in the shower. Together. And only the Ministry can track wands."

"Yeah, ok. What are we going to do then?" I whine and Harry bites my shoulder in response. I slap away his greedy hands. "What is wrong with you?"

Harry releases me from his embrace and sighs irritably. "Nott is a grown man. He can take care of himself."

"Yeah, but I was his date and I let him get drug by a fucking addict and now I should be a decent fucking person and make sure he's alive!" I protest.

"An addict? Is that what you consider me?"

I look away from Harry's hurt face. "I'm sorry Harry. I didn't mean it like that. That wasn't the right-"

He laughs harshly. "I can't believe you. You actually think I'm an addict," he says in disbelief.

I step closer to him, trying sooth him but he snatches away from me. "You know I didn't mean that, Harry. You just, you just don't know when to stop. You don't know when it's time to quit. It was stupid of me to even suggest us all taking the stupid drug together when I know you have a problem."

"I'm going to stop you right there. Leave."

My jaw drops and Harry walks away. "Harry you can't be serious!" I shout.

He whips around to face me. His emotions clear on his face but for some reason I can't read them. It's a storm of anger and hurt. "Why can't I be serious? Because I think I bloody can be. When I thought there was one person who accepted me," laughs, but it turns out to sound more like a sob. "You're just like the rest. You pity and judge me just like the rest. You see nothing but a pathetic drug addict who is just the shell of a boy who no longer exists. Well fuck you Draco Malfoy and everyone else who looks down on me."

I quickly grab Harry's arm before he can lock himself in his room. My face is hot but I talk through the emotions. "You know I don't think that! None of this is even about you! None of the things you're saying are true. They're all in your head."

"So I'm crazy now?" he shouts.

"You're twisting my words around! I just want to find Nott."

"Are you sleeping around with him?"

"Are you jealous? I said I wasn't dating him. And I could ask you the same question about that dirty bint!"

"Don't talk about her like that! Cody was the only one there for me. When I cut my fucking wrists she was the one who cleaned me up! She was the one who held me when I needed it most," he exclaims, his eyes now shining with tears.

"How could I be there when you push me away! You're pushing me away now! All I am is a casual fuck and when I ask for more you push me away. I want to be more and you won't let me. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep letting you break my heart," I whisper, my voice cracking at the end.

"Draco just go. I need you to go."

"Harry please. Just tell me what you want. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. What we're doing."

"I don't know what I want," he whispers, sounding so small. I look up to see my own pain mirrored in his eyes. "Just leave."

This time I don't protest. I have no more fight in me. I apparate home. Screw Nott. Screw Harry.

"So how was your weekend?" Hermione asks while making herself a cup of coffee. We both got the Monday morning shift which means we've been together since 3AM. It's currently 10 o'clock and we're just now taking our break.

I shrug. "It kind of sucked."

She frowns. "Did you not hang out with Harry?"

"That's why it was a bunch of bullocks."

Hermione joins me at the tiny plastic table where I've chosen to mope. "Tell Dr. Granger what happened."

I laugh. "It's funny because I can actually call you that. Anyways, I agreed to double date with Potter and I knew I shouldn't have but he kept talking about this girl and I just wanted to meet her but be able to make Harry jealous too. It was obvious that Harry didn't want to be exclusive so why not, right?

"So on Friday Harry, that stupid bint and Me and Theodore Nott-"

"Nice date choice," Hermione snickers.

"Yeah, whatever. That's another story to tell. So we all meet up at this club that the girl, Cody, chose and it's so indie but the gross kind. Not the cool modern kind. It was a mistake to go clubbing in the first place. So we're all on the dance floor and Cody is just all over Harry and I couldn't even concentrate on poor Nott because my blood was just boiling seeing them."
"What does Cody look like?"

"Like a little boy with a whore body."

"Come on Draco, I'm serious."

"Short, big blue eyes, short brown hair, one blonde streak, big pink lips, looks twelve, oh and muggle." I answer.

Hermione raises her eyes when I mention muggle. "Interesting. Alright, continue. I just needed a visual."

"So they're dancing and looking like they want to eat each other alive and I feel so sick so I march over there, asking if they want drinks and they say yes so we all go get some. Then I see Harry about to pop one of those smiley pills and I try to stop him but, I don't know, maybe I didn't try hard enough or wasn't thinking straight, or maybe I just wanted to prove to him that I could be fun… but I end up taking it with Harry."

"Draco no!"

"Yes and then Nott shows up and asks for one too and we all end of on that wicked stuff. The night goes by in a blur and we end up waking up in the trash in some alley. But get this, Nott is nowhere to be found. So we eventually get up and then Harry tells Cody to go home, because he says it'll be easier if we don't have that damn muggle tagging along.

"Then she kisses him goodbye and I'm so angry and Harry and I apparate to his place. When we get there, I'm ready to look for Nott and then leave because I'm just so sick of Harry. Next thing I know, he's all over me, kissing and touching, I could hardly breathe. When I tried to get him to stop he got so angry and told me to forget Nott. I tried to tell him that I was Nott's friend and I was only being decent after letting an addict, I know I shouldn't have said it, drug him.

"So now he's furious and I'm trying to tell him that none of this is even about him and how I just want to find Nott. Then he asks me if I'm sleeping with Nott, which is a no because I actually just recently reunited with him. I told Harry I could ask him the same thing about Cody and he starts yelling about how Cody was the only one there for him when he was cutting himself and how I wasn't. He looked so broken Hermione but I was so angry and hurt myself," I take say taking a breath. Talking about the whole incident threatens to bring forth the tears that I've been trying so hard to hold back. "I told him that I wasn't there for him because he wouldn't let me and how I couldn't keep playing games with him. He just told me to go," and on my last words, my voice cracks.

Hermione places a delicate hand on my back. "Draco you can't take on all Harry's issues. And you can't feel guilty because of that. It'll eat you up and destroy you."

"But Hermione, I love him. I can't watch him destroy himself because that's what he's doing. He's going to kill himself."

Hermione gives me a pained look and I can see that she understands exactly what I'm saying.

I sit in the living room on the couch along with a big glass of firewhiskey and Theodore Nott. On Monday evening, Theo called me through the floo to apologize about his absence on Saturday. He had ended up on the other side of town but made it home safely. I said I was sorry for such the crazy night and invited him over Tuesday night for drinks since I had Wednesday off. He accepted the offer and said he was looking forward to Tuesday. Neither of us mentioned how I didn't bother to call or look for Theo.

Now both of us enjoyed the other and caught up on our lives. Theo looked very handsome in a green button up polo and jeans that vaguely reminded me of Harry. I quickly took a swig of firewhiskey at that thought.

"Whatever Harry gave us on Friday was crazy. I've never been that buggered in my whole life."

"I have to admit that I haven't either. But I don't really want to talk about Friday night or Harry at all."

Nott frowns and leans closer to me. "Did something happen between you two?" he questions sincerely.

I look away when I feel my throat tighten. "What didn't happen?" I manage to choke out.

Theo rubs my thigh. "Draco, I didn't mean to upset you. What can I do to make it up to you?"

I look at his earnest dark eyes and dive in for a kiss. Theo is tense at first, from shock, but takes no time to loosen up. His arms wrap around me and my fingers sneak their way into his dark locks. Nott pushes me against the couch and I wrap my legs around his thin waist. I try to lose myself in his touches, his kisses, but all I can think about is how Harry touches me and how Harry kisses me. All I can think about are how light and hesitant Nott's fingers are, but how Harry's are strong and confident. I think about how Nott's dark eyes threaten to swallow me whole but Harry's are inviting and daring.

I shut my own eyes and grab Theo's waist, grinding my hips into his and lavishing in the moan that follows. I quickly grab the hem of Theo's shirt and manage to pull it off. He reciprocates my actions and makes his way down my neck and torso. It's all rushed and hurried and sloppy.

"Nott," I say, out of breath.

He looks up from his work on my waist. "What?"

"I can't…"

The light fades out of Nott's eyes and he sits back on his heels. "Shit Draco."

I sit up, covering myself and feeling embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm just…"

He holds up his hands to stop me. "No it's okay. I understand," he tells me.

"You do?"

"Yeah of course. We are two mature adults. We just met and got caught up, we've only had one date, if you can even call it that, and you don't want to sleep with a guy you barely know. Or at least, I hope it's that."

I smile. No that's not the problem, but it makes more sense than the actual problem. "Wow. You're great."

Theo puts his shirt on and nods. "Thanks for inviting me over. Owl me the next time you want to hang out."

I grab his arm as he gets up. "Theo, you don't have to actually leave."

Theo eyes his crotch. "Yes, I do. Got to go handle some things."

I laugh. "Okay then. I will owl. Or floo. Have a good night."

"Thanks Draco. You do the same." Theo walks himself to the door and waves before leaving.

I slouch against the couch, pressing the palms of my hands to my eyes. I take a gulp of firewhiskey and focus on how it burns all the way down my throat. But it's not enough.

I'm looking at my wand on the coffee table and contemplating taking a visit over to Harry's, when my phone rings. I instantly search for it because only people from work call me when there's an emergency. I find it among the pillows and answer.

"Hello, Malfoy speaking."

"Dracooo you were right."

"Harry? How'd you get my cell number?"

"I din't want to floo. I was 'fraid that you wouldn't be home."

"Harry are you drunk? This isn't funny."

"I'm an addict, an alcoholic, a loser. What didja expect?" he slurs.

"Harry dammit, I didn't say all of that. You know I don't think that."

"Yeah but… I think that," he whispers and it sounds like he's crying. "I'm sorry Draco. I'm so sorry. I just…" he's silent for a while and I start to worry.

"Harry?"

"Please forgive me."

"For what, Harry? I'm not mad anymore. It's ok."

"No, I'm so sorry. I love you. Please just know that."

"Harry what's wrong? What are you doing?"

He sucks in a breath of air. "There's just… so much… I'm so scared."

"So much what Harry?" I ask. His end goes silent for a while. "Harry?"

"Blood," he whispers.

My heart starts racing and I start pulling on my shirt and getting my shoes. "Harry I'll be right there. I'm going to call Hermione and I'll call you right back. Don't do anything else. Are you home?"

He sobs, "No don't. Don't come."

"Harry please, let me help."

"Draco I can't do this anymore," he whispers and hangs up.

I stop what I'm doing and apparate into Harry's flat. It's dark but the light coming from the window allows me to see that the place is wrecked. There's broken glass everywhere, it reaks of liquor, and dirty clothes and trash litter the floor. I hear quiet cries coming from the back rooms and make my way through the clutter towards the sound. A metallic and musty odor hit my nose and stopped me in my tracks. As I look down, I cover my mouth, seeing nothing but fresh blood seeping into the cracks of the hardwood floors.

"Harry! HARRY!" I start yelling. It's completely dark, so I check every room before finally stopping in front of the bathroom. The door is shut and the smell of blood is strong. Despite my work in the hospital, I find myself wanting to gag. I take a deep breath and step into the bathroom. Nothing could have prepared me for what I see.

It's so dark, but the moonlight seeping through the bathroom window is like a spotlight in a prison yard. The mirror over the sink is shattered and pieces glitter the countertop and the floor around it. Then there's the blood. There is so much blood everywhere. But it looks like it was spilled and someone tried to clean it up, doing a sloppy job at it. Finally, I lay my eyes on Harry. He sits on the floor, in nothing but his pants and blood streaming down the insides of his arms. He has his wand out and is whispering incantations to heal the wounds but his hands were shaking so badly that it wasn't working. He wiped his face, smearing blood with tears and whispers to me.

"I told you not to come. I can handle it. I said don't come."

I feel tears hit my cheeks as I kneel down next to Harry and take his hands. I kiss him over and over again.

"I didn't know. I kept asking what you wanted, what was wrong and I should've just known," I sob. "I'm so sorry."

"No I'm sorry."