Chapter 14

For the most part there is nothing I love more than having my girl in my arms.

There was a time when I thought I'd never get to experience such an amazing feeling. I used to lie awake at night and try and imagine how utterly wonderful it would feel to have my arms wrapped around Ashley.

I can honestly say that nothing my mind ever thought up comes even remotely close to how my body and my emotions react to having her so close to me.

It's such a powerful experience, and for once I'm not exaggerating.

Not at all.

But right now I'd love to be doing anything besides cuddling with Ashley on our couch.

That might sound out of character, so let me explain myself.

It took a while for Ashley's tears to subside. She wasn't sobbing, but they wouldn't stop coming. It was so heartbreaking for me to see her like that and I can't even begin to understand what she must be going through.

Eventually I was able to coax her into coming upstairs with me. I tried to convince her that she should eat something, but Ashley said she wasn't hungry. I didn't want to push the issue and that's how we ended up on the couch in our den.

She immediately curled up into my body, and she hasn't moved since.

Ashley isn't crying anymore but I can feel her anguish.

It's pouring out of her without her uttering one single word.

There's no possible way for me to fully comprehend what is going on in her head, but I can't lie and say that I wish she'd let me try.

Clearly Ashley isn't running away, but that doesn't mean she's letting me in either.

Maybe I'm being unfair having these expectations. There have been many moments in my life where I've been in pain and I know it's so tempting, and in some ways easier, to shut people out.

In the long run that's the completely wrong thing to do.

Nothing good can come from keeping one's feelings bottled up.

I know my girl well enough, and if I push her like I did earlier, she'll just shut down even more than she has already.

I wish more than anything that I could take this sadness that she's feeling away from her.

I really, really do.

I hate seeing Ashley in any kind of pain.

Except one kind of pain, but that's something I'm sure nobody is interested in hearing about. Plus, it's really not the right moment to be discussing such private matters.

"I love you," I whisper in Ashley's ear. I have a feeling that's exactly what she needs to hear. I definitely tell her enough, but right now I know she needs me to verbalize what's in my heart. "Always," I add for good measure.

My declaration of love doesn't result in Ashley actually responding with words. I do however get squeezed just that much tighter from my brown eyed beauty.

Unlike her, that's more than enough for me right now.

I can't help letting out a sigh though.

I don't mean to, but my brain is so full that I can't control myself.

There are so many thoughts I have about this situation that I could never say out loud.

Not only because that's not what's best for Ashley but also because it's not really my place to put my two cents in.

You have absolutely no idea how hard it is for me to keep my opinions inside my head.

But I have good reasons for shutting my mouth.

None of what's happening is about me. Except of course the fact that the woman I love is in crisis, but in the grand scheme of things this is about her.

It affects me sure, but I'm not the central figure in this story.

Ok, ok, I'm totally the central figure in this story, but hopefully you get where I'm coming from.

I'm sure I'm probably boring you with my thoughts. That's all I've got at the present moment because Ashley has gone all Marcel Marceau on me and I have no other choice but to try and process the last few hours on my own.

I can only guess how many conflicting emotions my girl must have swarming through her mind as she lays in my arms.

And despite how badly she's reacted to the news of Kyla's existence, I know that she hasn't fully grasped how her presence is going to change things.

Whatever Ashley thought about her father and their relationship has to feel like a lie to her. He obviously knew he had another daughter but never shared that news with the one child he did acknowledge.

If I wasn't afraid of Ashley's reaction I might point out that in some ways she had it better than Kyla. At least she knew her father as more than just a rock icon. At least she has some memories of him in her childhood. At least she had a relationship with him, even if that relationship wasn't anything to write home about.

But I am in no position to point those things out as of yet.

Or ever.

There's also the issue of Ashley being mad at the wrong person.

She's taken all of her anger out on Kyla when she's for all intents and purposes an innocent bystander in this mess.

Just like Ashley.

Unfortunately I don't think my love sees it like I do.

That makes sense though because I can a bit more objective about what's going on than she can.

There are no real villains here-it's not a black and white situation.

I take that back.

Do I ever take that back!

There is a villain in this tale and that's a certain woman called Bitch Mom. If anyone is to be blamed for how things have played out today, it's her.

Any normal and caring mother would not have introduced long lost siblings like B.M. did.

There's just no way to justify how she sprung Kyla on Ashley. And that's one of my reasons why if I had the chance, I'd really teach that horrible woman a lesson she'd never forget.

Fuck yeah I would!

Oops, I'm getting worked up in the wrong kind of way.

I love everything about Ashley but there's no arguing that some, if not most, of her hang ups are because her mother is a vapid, unfeeling, shell of a woman.

I can't think about her anymore because then I'll start to get really mad again and that's not where I should be focusing my energy at present.

While I don't think Ashley's dad meant for things to turn out like this, he also bears some of the responsibility for how upset both his daughters are.

I'm sure Kyla must be reeling from finding out she's related to two famous celebrities and then to have her reveal turn out so badly.

But I'm almost positive that there's no way Ashley is feeling one ounce of sympathy for her younger sister.

Ok, that still sounds weird.

Moving on...

I'm sure Kyla is the one my girl is blaming when it's not her fault at all.

I'm sure she's finding a sympathetic ear with my mother, but that doesn't mean she's not suffering.

She's in a strange city, staying at stranger's house and her sister won't even acknowledge her existence.

All in all, Kyla's got it pretty shitty as well.

I wish I knew what to do here.

I wish I knew how to make everything better.

I wish I knew what's going to happen next.

No amount of wishing is going to make this go away though.

Too bad!

That would be awesome!

If I had a super power like that I'd totally use it for good not evil!

Doesn't Super Spencer sound like an awesome name for a superhero?

By day I would be a sexy nobody and by night I'd fight crime.

The bad guys wouldn't stand a chance!

They'd be quivering in their boots!

Why do bad guys wear boots anyway?

Who cares!

It would be even better if I had x-ray vision so no matter what Ashley was wearing she'd look naked to me.

Oh my god!

My brains come up with the best ideas!

Good lord!

How the hell did my brain get so off course?

I'll have to put that superhero idea on the back burner until a more appropriate time.

Because I'm almost certain Ashley will enjoy me dressing up in cool outfit with a cape.

In fact I know she would!

This one time at Halloween I dressed up as a vampire and one thing lead to another...

Curses!

There I go getting distracted again.

It's really hard being me sometimes!

Ok, ok, not really but I felt like being a bit dramatic.

Sue me!

"Are you ok if we just head to bed?" Ashley asks. It's the first thing she's said to me in a couple of hours.

I almost forgot how sultry her voice is!

That would have been tragic!

Not just found out you had a long lost sister tragic, but close enough.

I look into her eyes and all other thoughts I've been having immediately stop.

I think my heart just broke all over again.

She looks so sad!

And tired!

And completely worn out!

And not in a six-hour sex marathon kind of way!

"Whatever you want," I reply before I place the softest of kisses on her lips.

Despite my sometimes sex crazed brain there's no ulterior motive for my kiss.

I just want Ashley to know I'm going to be here for her no matter what.

Silence descends upon us once again as we make our way up the stairs.

Each of us goes through our night time rituals without speaking, but my eyes never really leave Ashley. She seems to be moving on auto pilot.

Minutes later we're under the covers and Ashley is back in my arms.

Normally I'm the one cuddled close to her but obviously now she needs me to be strong one.

And I have no plans to let her down.

We've both had one hell of day and that might be the understatement of the century.

Despite everything that's happened, I'm wide awake.

I think my concern for my girlfriend is keeping me from falling asleep.

Or it could be the four cups of coffee I had earlier.

Who knows?

I hope Ashley can get some rest because she's the one who's been through something traumatic today.

Maybe in her sleep she'll find the peace she can't really find right now while she's awake.

Her breathing sounds even and steady.

Just when I think she might actually be asleep she readjusts her body she's looking right at me.

I can't really see her in great detail, but my eyes have adjusted enough in the dark that I know she's focusing all her attention on me.

"You ok?" I ask as I cup her face in the palm of my hand.

"Not really," Ashley admits quietly. She turns her head and then she places a kiss on the palm of my hand. "Thank you for helping me through this."

I sit up more because it seems like we're about to have some sort of conversation.

Yay!

Progress!

I think!

And hope!

"You're not allowed to thank me," I tell her in no uncertain terms. "I'm here for you because I love you and you're the most important person in my life."

"I can't help it," Ashley replies before she places her hand in mine. "I feel like I should be apologizing because my fucked up life is taking over yours."

I thread Ashley's fingers in mine and give her hand a little squeeze. "I mean this in the nicest way possible...but have you lost your ever loving mind?"

I'm not trying to be harsh!

Honest!

It's just that has to be one of the stupidest things my very smart girlfriend has ever said to me!

"We're a 'we' now, so you're stuff is my stuff!" I exclaim louder than I intended. "And what's this 'fucked up life' crap?"

Uh oh.

I cannot let Angry Spencer some out to play.

"God, I suck," Ashley sighs, but she continues before I can react to her self imposed put down. "None of this is coming out right."

I so want to interject but I really want Ashley to express what she's feeling.

"All I meant is that I know this can't be fun for you and I'm really sorry my soap opera family drama is messing things up for you too," she explains.

That makes some sense I suppose.

It doesn't mean that I'm going to let her take the blame for something that isn't her fault.

"You're not allowed to apologize, Ash," I say gently so I don't put her on the defensive. "I don't think you woke up this morning and thought 'Wow, my life doesn't have nearly enough drama in it, so how about I add a half-sister I know nothing about to the mix to see how much fun that's going to be.'"

I hold my breath for a second because I think I might have made an in appropriate joke.

Damn me and my unbelievably good sense of humor!

But then I hear her let out a little bit of a chuckle and I breathe a huge sense of relief.

It's not the loudest laugh she's ever had, but it is a start.

"I guess you have a point there." Ashley's voice sounds the lightest I've heard it in hours.

"Whatever happens, we'll figure it out," I assure her. "We're in this together, and that's just the way it is."

Ashley pushes us back into our previous cuddling position and I feel her relax into me. "And that means the world to me."

It's the last things she says before we both pass out from the stress of the day.

I thought I wasn't tired but I guess I was wrong.

There's a first time for everything!

It's the next morning and I'm all alone again.

Don't get your knickers in a knot, Ashley hasn't fled for parts unknown.

No, I suggested she head to the studio so she could get out of the house and the memories of yesterday. Even though she's not looking to record a new album I know she likes working with new musicians and I'm almost sure it will help distract her.

Normally I'd use my hot body, but I don't that would work right now.

I know!

I'm sad too!

Boo!

Hiss!

I'm just about to sit down to eat breakfast when the doorbell rings.

I hope it's a girl scout!

I'm so in the mood for some Thin Mints!

Yum!

I open the door and it's safe to say I'm extremely disappointed.

"What the hell do you want?" I ask my disheveled looking brother.

Just because Ashley discovered she had a long lost sibling it doesn't mean I'm ready to forgive mine for that pathetic barbeque performance he put on.

Ass-eyes!

"I need to talk to you," Glen replies as he pushes his way inside.

Rude much!

I never invited him in!

"If you're here to apologize, come back another time," I tell him forcefully.

My forgiveness level is at an all time low.

He ignores me and then he bursts into tears. "I've fucked up so bad."

I feel a slight tugging at my heart strings.

Damn him!

I hate seeing my brother upset!

"I've lost Aiden and I don't think there's anyway for me to get him back," Glen continues and the tears he's shedding come out faster.

I've seen so much crying in the last day or so.

Not a good statistic.

At least Glen is admitting he's not over Aiden and wants him back.

"Then why did you break up with him?" I ask.

It's a very good question!

And it's one I've been wanting to know the answer to for months.

Glen lets out a few sniffles, "Because I didn't want him to know that I cheated on him." He bursts into tears again and his whole body is shaking.

Say what?

I was so not prepared for that answer.

He did what to Aiden?

My brother is so many things but I never would have thought he'd cheat on the man of his dreams?

My mouth is open but I can't get any words out.

"I've been such an asshole," Glen cries out.

That you have, Captain Obvious!

What a fucking jerk!

"I've pushed everyone away because I was so scared to admit the truth," Glen says to explain his weird behavior over the last little while. "When Aiden proposed I panicked and then one thing led to another..."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I snap before he can go on.

I have a sneaking suspicion that my residual anger from yesterday is about to come out.

Big time!

Big, big time!

"One thing never leads to another!" I exclaim without caring that my brother is hurting.

I have no capacity to feel any kind of sympathy for him at this moment.

None.

Not one single smidgen of empathy.

"All this time I defended you to Ashley" I am clenching my fists so hard, "I told her that something must have happened between you two that we didn't know and it wasn't our place to judge either one of you."

Idiot!

Dummy!

What was I thinking?

I poke my brother in the chest, " And it turns out you're a douche bag who can't keep it in his pants!"

Wow, screaming at Glen is actually a bit therapeutic for me.

"You don't understand!" Glen wails. "I didn't want to cheat on him but I was terrified of getting married..."

"Oh boo fucking hoo," I cut in. "Then don't get married! But instead you chose to do something so incredibly selfish."

I don't think I even know the person standing in front of me.

He certainly doesn't act like the Glen I know.

"Then you broke up with Aiden and have acted like a jerk to him ever since." I am very close to slapping my brother across the face. Maybe it will knock some sense into him. "Explain to me why I'm supposed to help you out of this mess?"

Glen has the gall to look offended. "You don't have to be so judgmental!"

Oh hell no!

I don't care if I'm overreacting, he has no right to be anything but contrite.

"You have no clue what it's like to make such a big mistake," Glen continues his self pity rant. "Every day I regret what I did. You can't know what it's like to live your life like that!"

"You're right, I can't," I agree. "But that's because I would never, ever act like you did."

I can say that with confidence.

I know what it's like to be cheated on and I can't ever imagine a scenario where I would do anything remotely like that to Ashley.

I'm not perfect but I am sure of what I'm saying.

"Spencer!" My brother starts crying again.

I'm having none of it though.

"When you've grown up, maybe I'll listen to you," I tell him as I open the door. "Until then I think you need to leave."

Some people might think I'm being heartless and maybe I am.

I don't have the time for Glen when I have much bigger things to deal with.

He made this mess himself and it's going to be up to him to fix it.

If he can.

I don't have much confidence of that because of the way he stomps out of my house.

He's acting like a child and that's what got him into this mess.

Glen's confession has made my head spin.

Thanks a lot!

I only hope that by the time Ashley returns I'm calm again.

Because the way she's feeling I think her finding out that Glen cheated on Aiden might set her off in a way that would result in my brother having a big black eye.

Hmmmm...

Maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.