July 12

I'm having second thoughts about going to that meeting in two days. I already know something's going to happen. I can feel it in my gut. He's going to do something to me and I know it.

Maybe I should go have some pancakes, eh? I'm getting rather fidgety again. Maple sy never mind…

I'll just make some toast…

Oh, It took me until five o'clock yesterday to finally come out of the bathroom. He wasn't there ( thank god ) so I was able to regain some of my sanity while also trying to figure other things out. I'll probably write about it later, but until then, I'm cutting this entry off short.

Matt


July 13

Maple! He's back…

Just when I thought I was going to have another day in solitude.

But then again, I'm happy he's here…

It's just extremely frustrating to keep remembering that day every time I see or think about him. That man is like a parasite, I swear! It's really weird actually…

I've been thinking about what Alfred said a while ago. About whether I liked Gilbert or not. I still don't have an answer to that, and I'm rather worried about what the answer WILL be. Not to say it'd be a bad thing but…

I've never been as close to anybody as I have with Gilbert ( not even Cuba and I've known him for years )

He's snarky and sarcastic, but he's also funny. He can be an ass, but he also seems to have a…soft spot… I can see it every time he looks at that bird of his or he's playing with Kumajirou. He gets this look on his face. A smile that's not so menacing or creepy. But it's nice and kind and in fact sort of handsome.

He's actually given me that look several times before…

I don't know much about love, so I'm not going to say anything yet. I'm still not quite fond of the possibility ( no previous relationship experience, remember? ) so I'll just keep quiet and hope that something will show up and tell me what I'm feeling…

I just really hope it's not another kiss that does it. That was much too embarrassing and…

Ugh.

My face feels so hot again. Why can't I just get this all figured out? Damn you, Gilbert! You and you're vicious little mind games. You're probably laughing at me on the inside, aren't you? Aren't you!?

…

It's kind of pointless to rant at somebody through a journal now isn't it…? Maybe I should stop and just hang out with Gilbert for the time he's over here…

I know what I'll do. I'll talk to someone at the meeting tomorrow. Not quite sure who, but I have a few people in mind. I'd like to get this figured out as fast as possible…

Mattie


July 15

Brief overview of the meeting before I get to the actual entry:
Swine flu outbreaks keep spreading
Alfred's debt issues still unresolved
Plans for Iraq
Global Warming
The usual…

Gilbert tried very briefly to talk to me, but he was dragged off by Feliciano. That seemed to have him upset, but it was sort of a stroke of luck for me. Why?

Because I needed to talk to somebody without him eavesdropping on me…

So I had the brilliant idea of asking Yao about certain, eh, things. We're friends, maybe not close friends, but definitely friends. He seemed like the best person to ask, given he's over four thousand years old and whatnot.

I asked him how you know if you love someone.

God bless this wise old man for not laughing in my face when I asked him that. I probably would have died if he did. No, actually, he seemed to be rather understanding of my situation. He is with Im Yong Soo, after all…

After a brief ( mind you, brief ) overview of my situation with him, he asked me a few questions. What I felt like when I was around him. How I felt when he wasn't around.

I guess there's no harm in writing it down ( even if it is awkward ) This is a journal, so I'm the only one who's going to read it…

Anyway, I answered his questions as honestly as I could. I told him that when he was with me, I was always happy. That he actually made me feel noticed for once and not just taken as a random stranger passing by like I usually do. He always seems to find ways to make me embarrassed and laughs about it, too.

I also told him how when he wasn't there with me, it was kind of lonely and quiet. How it usually was before he so rudely barged into my house demanding my syrup. He makes things interesting and fun. So it's really lonesome without him around.

Yao smiled at me and then asked me what my heart felt like when he was around.

I've never thought much about that…

I didn't realize, until he'd asked, that every time Gilbert's around…my chest always feels kind of…weird…

A lot like it did when he kis

Oh…

July 17

Mind your eyes, Mattie. If ever you feel the need to re-read this entry, they just might burst into gooey balls of eye juice from all the sap that's gonna come out of it. You know it…You're writing this mess…

Enough talking to myself via book…

It's late, around 9:30, and I've done absolutely nothing all day. That's to be expected on a Saturday, though. There's really nothing much to do on weekends. Or Fridays for that matter, but that's not the point.

This free time gave me a good while to think about things. Namely about what Yao said at the meeting two days ago. Since I'm getting tired and I'd rather not wait until morning to write this, I'll try and get it out on paper as fast as I can, no guarantee's though…

I don't know how, but it finally happened. I have a pretty good idea that I realized it sometime after the world meeting and when he dragged me off for ice cream yesterday ( we both fell asleep on the couch, huddled under a comforter because the A/C went funky, so I didn't have time to write )

But anyways, I don't know how it happened…but it did.

Maybe it's because I'm around him so much. Or because I don't have a problem when he pulls me close to him while we're just sitting on the couch watching TV ( albeit I get rather flustered, but I've learned to not fight against Gilbert on things like that ).

It could be a majority of things…But it most definitely started the first day I knocked on his door…

He's always been attractive. More so than I care to admit. More than I WANTED to admit, especially then. I'd never talked to him before. Maybe only a simple "Hi" in passing, but never actually he talked.

But he knew my name.

That was the first thing that set it off.

After intruding into my house several times, I finally caved in and just let him do what he wanted. He was, and still is, too much to handle. That mostly consisted of coming over for breakfast every other day, and eventually he started staying all day as the months progressed.

His constant presence made me feel less invisible to the world.

That was number two.

Number three was the fact that he could make me laugh. Despite his abundance of perverted jokes and innuendo's, he also had an air of discipline. Like he knew what he was doing even when it came to poorly made pancakes. He'd always be doing something, and that something always had me smiling or laughing with him.

The fourth, and final thing that set it off was most definitely the kiss…

I've never been able to stop thinking about it while eating pancakes. I always remember how it tasted like maple syrup. How although he was such a wild and crazy guy, the kiss was soft. Like he meant something more from it ( and I have a feeling he did )

It's probably just the way I am. But…I guess I'm just not used to this kind of stuf. To closeness ( not to say I was ever truly lonely in the first place, but up until now, my only real friend was Cuba )

I like him being with me. I love his laugh. His crazy grin. I love the way he seems to just do things and not plan ahed.

I'v thought about it and I finlly made up my nimd.

I l o ve gi l b

A/N: So I think I just kinda killed the story.
It was hard trying to decide if I was gonna post that last entry now or later, but I decided on NOW because I've got another surprise I'll be posting on TUESDAY! :D
Yes…It's not done. But almost.
Makes me wanna cry because I feel as if I could have done more with this. So. much. more.

Also, I'll be posting another (( rather short )) chapter up here in a few minutes. ;D You guys should enjoy it bunches.