Chapter 14
Closure
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2014 | 8:45 AM | TRIS
I arrive home feeling heavy, right through to my bones. All I want is to take something to stop the pounding in my head, then curl up in my silent, empty house and sleep. Maybe I can sleep for a hundred years, like Sleeping Beauty. At least that way by the time I woke up, it wouldn't matter any more that I messed up the one really good thing in my life.
I park my car in the driveway and drag my feet on my way into the house. My home used to always feel warm and inviting but I have realized that it wasn't the house or any of the things in it. It was my mother. Home was wherever she was. She made it warm and inviting. She made it a home. But now I hate being here; it feels cold and empty, just like me.
My eyes feel dry and scratchy, I haven't looked in a mirror yet this morning but they're probably bloodshot. My hair is probably a rat's nest too after last night's activities. I'm shaking my head and hoping none of the neighbors got a good look at me on my way in as I walk into the kitchen. I jump when I look up and see that I am not alone.
"Where have you been, Beatrice?" My dad's voice sounds calm, but I can see the anger in his eyes.
"Dad," I gasp. "I didn't know you were coming home this weekend."
"Obviously," he scoffs. "You never came home last night. Look at you. You're a fucking mess."
"I…" I gulp and stare at him, wide-eyed. "Jacob's funeral was yesterday. I was spending time with Uriah and his brother. I ― I slept there last night." Of all days for him to have come home, it just had to be today.
"And you couldn't bother responding to my calls and texts?" He stares me down.
I slowly take my phone out of my pocket and look at it; I was so panicked when I woke in Uriah's bed, I barely glanced at the time display. I didn't even register the notifications for three texts and two missed calls from my father.
"I'm sorry, Dad." I take a deep breath in and out to try and steady my shaking voice, and I blink back tears. Tears that have been there long before this conversation with my father. "I silenced my phone for the funeral yesterday. I must have forgotten to turn the ringer back on."
Dad gets up and takes his coffee mug to the pot on the counter for a refill. I can't help noticing that he looks just as put together as always, and it doesn't look like he lost any sleep. He must not have been that worried about me. I'm sure that he could have guessed where I might be, he could always have called Hana or driven over there, but he didn't.
"Is this a common occurrence, Beatrice? Having 'sleepovers' with that ― that little punk."
"He's not a 'punk!'" I cry. He can say whatever he wants about me, but not Uriah. He doesn't know a thing about Uriah, he never bothered enough to try and get to know him at all. "Who do you think held me after Mom died? Who answers when I call, no matter how late, and brings me chocolate cake when I am too sad to get out of bed? I sure haven't been able to count on you, my own father. You don't even know Uriah, you have no right to judge him!"
"You will not speak to me that way, Beatrice!" he shouts.
I just glare at him. "It's Tris," I spit. Turning on my heel, I leave him behind without another word or even another look and run up to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2014 | 9:50 AM
I have been lying on the bed just staring at the ceiling for nearly an hour. I'm totally zoned out, thoughts are zig-zagging through my mind so fast that it's like my brain can't complete one before it's interrupted by the next. And I have no one to talk to about it, no one to help me calm my racing thoughts. My mom is dead, Tobias is gone, and Uriah is the very reason I am freaking out right now. I feel so alone.
My phone chimes, grabbing my attention and quieting my mind for a moment. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I know the text will be from Uriah, and when I do look at the screen, I see that my prediction was correct.
Uriah
[I heard there's another bonfire party tonight. You going? Maybe we could meet up and talk?]
I stare at the phone, feeling completely awkward as I formulate a response in my head. Since when am I awkward with Uri?
Tris
[I don't think I can. Dad is home.]
I'm sure I could slip out the door if I wanted to. I guess now I'm lying to Uriah, too. I shake my head, disgusted with myself.
Uriah
[Oh. Can we meet up tomorrow?]
Tris
[Not sure. I'll try.]
I chew on my lip. Even our texts feel awkward. Usually Uriah and I tease each other back and forth, but it seems that today, neither of us know what to say.
I think a shower will make me feel better, but it doesn't. The emotions swirling in me are so confusing and overwhelming, but one of them bothers me more than others. It's the guilt ― guilt because I feel like I betrayed Tobias.
It's so stupid. He left me. He didn't even say goodbye! And yet here I am, feeling like I cheated on him, when he has made it clear in the single communication I received from him that he is never coming back, that I will never see him again. Obviously we're over, so why does it still feel as if he carried my heart with him to wherever the hell he ran off to?
In the blink of an eye all that guilt and despair turns to all out rage, I am overcome with anger at him for so completely possessing my heart. I'm sure it's no coincidence that I dreamed about sleeping with Tobias while I was in Uriah's arms, right after the first time I had sex with someone other than my ex-boyfriend. Maybe if Tobias would have at least properly broken up with me, this wouldn't be so confusing, maybe I wouldn't still hold this ridiculous loyalty to some asshole who doesn't deserve for me to ever think of him again.
After I received his goodbye email all those weeks ago, surely the closest thing to 'closure' that I will get from him, I grabbed everything out in the open that had reminded me of him and placed it all in a box. It rests on the top shelf of my closet. Now I pull it down and open it. Not to look at its contents. No, I don't take a single thing out of the box.
Then I think of the bonfire. With Zeke home right now, and Hana needing her boys' support, I doubt Uriah will be there if not to talk with me about last night.
I begin tearing through my closet, through every drawer, under the bed, anywhere I can think of. Every single gift Tobias gave me, every photo, anything that was his or even reminds me of him is thrown into that box. After two years together, there is enough to fill it to the brim and I have to rearrange it a bit in order to close the top, but I manage to do so without pulling anything back out. I don't want any reminder of Tobias to ever make its way out of this box again, and soon, even the box will be gone.
Finally I close the box. It feels final. But not quite final enough.
I set the box by the door to my room and look at the clock. Nine more hours until the bonfire party.
In nine hours, the fire can cleanse the last pieces of Tobias, and with it the last bits of Beatrice, from my life forever.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2014 | 8:40 PM
I feel numb. I don't feel the heat from the bonfire, even though I am sitting less than two yards away from it. I don't taste the beer I just sipped from which now sits on the ground by my feet. I hardly notice the laughter and yells of the mass of my classmates surrounding me.
I barely even notice the way the corner of the box―the box of my memories with Tobias― digs into the soft flesh of my upper arm as I hug it tightly to my chest.
This is harder than I thought it would be.
I stare into the fire, trying to summon the courage to throw the remnants of my relationship with Tobias into the flames. I need to cleanse the memories of him from my mind, his lingering presence from my life, and the last bits of Beatrice with it.
I am so lost in my own thoughts that I don't notice Uriah sitting down next to me until he speaks. "What's in the box?" he asks.
I turn to look at him, feeling anxious. I don't know if I can handle facing a conversation with Uriah right now. It's too much, especially when I am trying to find closure for my relationship with Tobias. But this is Uriah, my best friend, even if I screwed it up I can trust him enough for an answer. That is, if I could find the words. But I can't. So I just hand him the box.
Uriah removes the rubber band I used to hold it closed and removes the lid. His eyes widen. "Tobias?" he asks gently. I nod. "And you're planning to…"
"Throw it in the fire," I say in a monotone. "It still hurts. I just… I want to forget him."
Uriah stares at me for a long moment. In the past weeks I have become so good at reading his face, even just the look in his eyes. But right now, I can't.
Finally he shakes his head and hands the box back to me, the lid still open. "Go home, Tris," he says. "Go put this away somewhere you won't have to see it, but don't burn it. You'd regret that one day." I stare down into the box, my eyes skimming over some of my most cherished memories. On the top is a dried rose from the bouquet he gave me on our six-month anniversary. A movie ticket stub from our first date. The charm bracelet he gave me for my last birthday.
A tear drops onto the ferris wheel charm that hangs off the bracelet in memory of our first kiss. If I close my eyes, I can still feel his lips brushing tentatively against mine, the way my heart pounded in my chest, the electricity shooting up my arm from where my fingers were intertwined with his.
Tears are streaming down my face as I finally look back up at Uriah. Uriah simply leans in and kisses the top of my head, then he stands and walks away, disappearing into the crowd.
I carefully close the box and secure it with the rubber band once again. I sit, surrounded by people but utterly alone, staring at the fire, hugging the box to my chest.
I don't know if Uriah is right that I would regret burning these memories, but I do know that it is an act that I could never take back. If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that I do not want regrets.
So finally, I do as Uriah said: I get up, carrying the box with me to my car, and go home.
But the tears don't stop.
I don't know if they ever will.