I would firstly like to give thanks to my best friend Rozie, as she helped me formulate an idea for this chapter, and for the entire relationship of ShinoxTsubaki. Thank you Rozie!
Now, sorry for the wait, but here is chapter 14, and I have thoroughly enjoyed writing it. Hope you guys enjoy reading! xD
Shino's P.O.V
I'm in trouble, I thought dismally as she approached me, I'm in real deep trouble.
Tsubaki was adorable, dressed in a sweet white dress that reached just above her knees in ruffles, and she wore a white bow in her blue ringlets. With her flushed cheeks and nervous smile she knotted her hands at her sides, braving her way towards me. She seemed so innocent, and that made the entire situation worse. It would be easier for her to be a tough-nut psycho, because that would mean I wouldn't be feeling so compelled to soothe her nerves. Watching her coming closer made knots form in my stomach, and I am in trouble enough as it is.
I'm in trouble because I had asked my father about her, and had discovered that she had worked for the Aburame family for seven years in the garden or doing our housework. She should be angry that I did not recognise her at the summoning…not looking at me so shyly. Tsubaki has reason to be furious.
"Mr Aburame-Sama?" she asked, having to lift her gaze up to mine steeply because she was so small, "Would you like to dance? I-if you do not mind me being so forward, that is…"
Hesitating, I looked around the ballroom, witnessing Kiba and Haruka dancing, but other than that it was a little empty in here. Naruto and Yuka had left a few moments ago, Sasuke had disappeared before the ball had even started, and Choji and his bird both went outside. Rock Lee hadn't turned up due to 'complications'. Kankuro and Ume were debating over why he had to paint his face, and that was causing a stir, but other than that the evening was bleak…unless you consider seeing Haruka grope Kiba as something mildly interesting…
Tsubaki had been waiting for me to ask her all night to dance, I knew, but I had kept to my quiet corner. Even though it was only Kiba, Haruka, Kankuro and Ume here now, it felt weird to do anything loving in font of people.
I'm not a big fan of public affection.
Tsubaki took my silence as a rejection to her request, and her beatific face saddened for a moment. However, she surprised me when she reached to grab my arm, and tugged lightly on the sleeve. Her eyes took on the almighty effect of a pleading puppy, causing my nerves to jitter in response.
"Please, Mr Aburame-Sama?" she asked, determination in her sunrise pink eyes, "You may not regret it now, but you may in the future."
I turned my face away from hers, but she reached up on her tiptoes and took my glasses off swiftly, folding them and placing them in my breast pocket. That annoyed me, but I didn't want to show that so I kept my face expressionless as she looked at me. The hand on my arm tugged again, and her imploring gaze held mine with iron willpower.
"I am not comfortable with this," I told her calmly, wanting to just go home and call it a night, "Public affection and dancing is not something I am fond of."
She gave me that smile, the one that she used when she was upset. It pained me, because she was trying to hide how she really felt…and so she smiled as if everything was fine. It was a fake smile, and she keeps using it. I want her to smile like she means it.
"I admit that I'm disappointed," she told me quietly, "yet, if that is what you want then…that is fine."
She turned from me, still wearing that fake smile, but I was musing over her words. They were thick with the unsteady control of someone trying not to cry.
Watching as she sat alone eating dumplings, I saw that she was being very careful not to look my way. Her feet dangled above the ground as she sat, childlike as she swung her legs. A waiter took pity on her, sitting down to talk to her with an eager grin. His grin only continued to grow as Tsubaki's blush deepened.
I frowned.
Narrowing my eyes, I scrutinised the way the waiter leaned in close to her, and then reached up to brush a curl behind her ear. Tsubaki blushed some more, surprised, and was politely making conversation, but I didn't want her to make conversation; more than anything, I wanted her to push him away in disgust. My chest tightened in response to seeing her happy with a complete stranger, and I fidgeted in annoyance. It was when the waiter lifted her hand to his lips that I suddenly found myself behind him, tapping him on the shoulder. Upon seeing my stormy expression the waiter shrank, which granted me an atom of satisfaction.
"I think you'll find that she's my soulmate," I told him darkly, the hint of a threat detectable in my voice.
The waiter ducked his head sheepishly, making his way around me with a mumble of an apology. Tsubaki watched with something like alarm as he disappeared, and when her eyes met mine she looked beseechingly back at me. I could not decide if I felt like a monster or a hero.
"Why did you scare him away, Mr Aburame-Sama?" she asked, her eyes wide, "He was only giving me a little company, since you seem so incapable of holding conversation."
Gritting my teeth I kept myself from making a sarcastic remark, realising the reason I had suddenly chased the waiter away. It was because I was jealous. I was jealous with how confident he was talking to her and how sweetly she had responded…it made me twitch. I wanted her to look at me like that, but I didn't know how to make it happen.
But then I did know how to make it happen, yet the idea made my palms sweat. It made a lump form in my throat, causing me to struggle to force my lips to form the words. Her face told me she was waiting, so I knew it was now or never.
"Do you still want to dance or not?" I asked a little too stiffly, digging my hands into my pockets.
My voice came across as rather rude, yet I was so frustrated with my inability to converse naturally that I did not care. This was all a big inconvenience…is it not to be expected for me to feel and act quite oddly with this? After all, I'm being expected to go along with this soulmate business as if I have no say in the matter.
Tsubaki stared at me in a confused manner, her mouth open slightly in a silent question. She was still reeling by my sharp request. I was a little embarrassed by her response, but then she stood and grabbed my hand excitedly.
My eyes bulged as she dragged me into the middle of the ballroom. I felt eyes on us. Gathering the attention of others was something I did not like, and I saw Kiba laughing at me as I was yanked onto the dance floor…yet when Tsubaki turned to face me, her smile was so radiant I felt a pang of pleasure for making her feel so happy.
"Aburame-Sama, place your hand on my waist," she whispered, giggling at me when I blushed.
I placed my hand on her tiny waist, wondering briefly how much she could weigh if she was so small, and then I realised how slim and small her hands were. It was like I was a giant in comparison, because my hand dwarfed her tiny hands further, and her head barely reached my chest.
We are an odd couple…what was fate thinking?
Leading the dance was a little awkward since I couldn't relax, but she seemed content anyway. She babbled along as we danced, filling the silence with her mindless chatter. It was oddly comforting to hear her comment so pleasantly about such normal things. Somehow, she made everything appear beautiful, but I didn't trust that. If you can charm someone into thinking a snake to be a flower, there's a problem. Right now I can imagine Tsubaki being able to convince me about anything, which is very unsettling.
I wanted to tell her these things, but every time I considered opening my mouth to say them, I felt fear and embarrassment pin the words to the back of my throat. Those words would never leave my mouth. How could I tell her I couldn't trust her?
"I always wondered what colour your eyes were," she said honestly, a smile still in place, "They're rather nice, that is…if you don't mind me saying."
Her smile faltered as she realised the straightforwardness of her words, but I was reeling in surprise at the sudden compliment. I knew it was polite to give a compliment back, but that was easier said than done.
"You remind me of a ladybird," I said abruptly, causing her to stare at me blankly.
Dammit, that just sounds weird, I thought bitterly to myself, avoiding her gaze entirely, What a random statement, without so much as a reason…
"Because," I continued briskly, aware that she was staring at me, "the reason is that people underestimate the impact of the ladybird, and how the ladybird is an active predator of smaller insects…"
My words died off as I realised I didn't know how to explain my statement without giving too much away, and Tsubaki was puzzling over my disordered explanation with pursed lips.
"So…is this a metaphor? If I'm a ladybird, who is a predator, then who is the prey being portrayed as the insects?" she mused, searching my eyes when I dared to glance at her.
She was trying hard to decipher my weird analogy, which was very endearing. I found myself blushing furiously though, suddenly, because I could see the realisation dawning behind her pink eyes. Her mouth formed a small 'o', and her cheeks flushed with colour.
Despite being ditsy, she seems to be intelligent enough to understand my weird analogies.
"So I'm the ladybird and you're the aphid?" she whispered quietly, causing my blush to deepen, "So what you're saying is that I'm eating you…or in other words, consuming you. Um…meaning, that is…I'm taking over you, but in a good way? Since ladybirds eating aphids is meant to be good for the ecosystem and plants?"
I gave a subtle nod, keeping my eyes strictly on our moving feet, amazed that she even knew what I was trying to say. In my head I couldn't decide if this was a good thing or not, because it meant that hiding behind my analogies was pointless now, because she could understand them. However there is the remaining fact that a ladybird is still a predator, and sometimes the prey does not wish to be hunted. In my case, I could easily walk away from all of this soulmate nonsense, because I do not like the feeling Tsubaki instills in me.
Tsubaki went silent as the music stopped, her eyes still searching my face. If she was as intelligent as I suspected, then she also knew the flip side to the compliment I had given, and perhaps knew I did not want to be an aphid when she is the ladybird.
"You're adorable," she told me unexpectedly, wrapping her arms around me, "You cutie pie."
I can't take this intimate contact, I panicked, feeling her slim warmth through my shirt, I think it's killing me. Yes…it's definitely killing me.
Firmly, yet gently, I pushed her away, my left eye twitching slightly as I felt my control over my bugs lessen. I had tried to rein them in all night so they wouldn't freak her out, but the closer she got the more difficult it was to control my insects. There were too many unclear factors that my control was wavering.
Tsubaki seemed puzzled, a small crease forming between her neat eyebrows, and I fought the urge to kiss the frown away. I'm not a romantic person, and I'm not an affectionate person: kissing is out of the question, and so is hugging and holding hands. Or any form of affection for that matter.
"Mr Aburame-Sama?" she asked as I turned away, her hand on my sleeve, "Um…"
She didn't get the chance to finish because I gave her a dark look, warning her to stop with the ooey-gooey talk. If she continues to be so cute and innocent, I will feel the need to touch her…I do not want to feel myself loosing who I am. I do not blush at girls or become nervous. That's not what I do, and it scares me that she's got my heart pounding insanely just because of her sweet 'Mr Aburame-Sama' speech impediment. It's driving me crazy.
"I'm going home," I told her simply, tugging my arm away from her, "Be sure to enjoy the rest of your night."
Maybe I was being a little cold, but I can't take this. It's all too sweet and 'rainbows and ponies', which makes me just feel like there's something really wrong. What kind of person is she? No one is that kind and honeyed for real, and yet there she is dressed like some perfect doll, batting those lashes like she hasn't a clue in the world how she makes me feel. She's corrupting me, sliding under my skin and invading my blood like an evil sugar-high.
I went to leave the glorious glow of the ball, sliding my shades back into place as I walked. The little tap of kitten heels behind me warned that Tsubaki was following.
"Mr Aburame-Sama, sir," she exclaimed, sounding exasperated, "H-have I done something wrong?"
Unable to answer I focussed my attention on opening the door, but when I saw a pale slim wrist moving towards my hand I withdrew, recoiling as if she were a poisonous creature. My head turned a fraction towards her, scrutinising her wide-eyed expression full of hurt, and I opened the door wider and slipped through it into the cold dark night.
She didn't follow me, and I was glad of that, because if she did I would have yielded completely. Awkwardly, yes, but I would have yielded all the same, despite my distrust in her.
I retreated home, feeling drained and miserable, and upon entering the kitchen I saw my father sitting at the table, eating a strange concoction of food. Since Tsubaki has been at the hotel we have being cooking for ourselves. The results are revolting.
"Have you enjoyed your 'date'?" he asked stoically, eyeing my expression.
I didn't comment, just wondered straight through the kitchen and to the bathroom to get ready for bed. All this 'date' and 'soulmate' stuff was giving me a headache.
However, despite my intentions to go to sleep I couldn't, and Tsubaki's face and voice kept replaying in my head. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her hurt expression as I left, and I kept hearing 'Mr Aburame-Sama' whenever I imagined her face.
This is irksome, I thought internally, guilt creeping into my heart, and I shouldn't have left like that.
Sitting up in bed, I eyed my journal on my bedside table mutely, before reluctantly reaching for it. I've never told anyone, but I write everything in my journal like a teenage school girl with a crush, and I analyse all the details. Yet tonight is different…
Dear Tsubaki, I wrote slowly, musing over the words, it's hard to explain how I feel about this situation, and it troubles me that you are so open-minded on the concept, and so completely ready to accept that we are apparently soulmates. I have my doubts. I doubt that I can go through with something like 'romance'.
Biting hard on my pen, I reread the opening paragraph over and over, trying to catch any mistakes. When I found none, and felt that it portrayed how I felt perfectly, I continued.
It's not that I do not like you. In fact, I do like you, and like everything from your soft blue hair to your tiny little hands. I hate how much I like you, because everything seems too perfect. You're so sweet and accepting that I'm terrified I'm making all the mistakes, because you are so perfect. I cannot imagine you doing anything wrong, but that's the thing: Tsubaki, you are too kind, and it leads me to suspect that there's something underneath that adorable exterior that will be terrible. I'm a ninja; I've been trained to never trust anyone I do not know. Frankly, I'm terrified that you're someone else completely, and the endearing girl I'm falling for is just an act.
Pausing I checked the clock beside me, and it confirmed how late it was. Somehow that made me feel an intense urgency to finish the letter, and I bent my head over the paper again, trying to decide how to tackle this.
Somewhere in my memory I already know you, which adds to my unease and escalates my suspicion that you are not who you seem. There's an iron beast behind your eyes that is at odds with your saintly smile. I cannot trust that hard gaze, nor that fake smile. You smile too much.
Other than that, you scare me with how you can read my analogies. How can you understand me in ways that no one else can?
All of this is like a nightmare to me, but I cannot deny that I like you. A lot, I may add. I like that horrific overuse of 'Mr Aburame-Sama', and the childlike way you sit, as if no one is watching. You could even argue that I adore the way you tug at my sleeve, but I also find it infuriating…but only because it makes me want to hold you.
I have no intention of sending this letter, so it is safe for me to write what I wish, and so I can also write this: you alarm me with how much you make me feel. It overwhelms me, and I cannot control it. I have the conclusion that if I get any closer to you, I will become a slave to your very existence.
This is not a love letter, but a confession. I wish for you to keep your distance.
As I added the full stop I puzzled over my confession. No one knows my issues…unless they read this journal. In that case, I'm in trouble.
Closing my journal shut with a yawn, I contemplated hiding it, but I knew my father wouldn't dare open my journal. He had tried, once, but that had led to a very, very frightening battle where I became almost monstrous with rage. Apparently he had suspected I had a crush on Hinata, and wanted to confirm his theory. Utter nonsense…no father confirms a theory through sneaking through his son's journal. It's betrayal as far as I was concerned.
No. No one in this house would dare look at my confessions.
I laid the journal back on the bedside table, and leaned back in my bed, ready to sleep. Yet, once again, Tsubaki flew around my head like an annoying song stuck in my head. It felt like she had poisoned me, and these were the effects of the poison…I think I'm slowly going insane.
That night I dreamt of her, seemingly continuously, and each detail was as clear to me as reality. Unable to exit my dream, I let it unfold, and as Tsubaki walked to me in my dream her gaze was not sweet or innocent, but frustrated and upset.
"Why are you being so difficult, Shino?" she asked, her voice hard as steel.
Her use of 'Mr Aburame-Sama' gone, it was clear to me that this dream was not going to end pleasantly.
However, I would prefer the harsh truth over a lie any day.
If my dreams turn to nightmares I do not care, because at least it may reveal a hidden truth in the warm glowing exterior of Tsubaki's face.
Tsubaki's P.O.V
Shino left so suddenly that I felt a sinking feeling inside. I am very disappointed with how things have turned out, and in all truth I am enraged.
Greeting others with a smile as I continued my night, I fought internally with how upset I was. It seemed my dreams were falling apart, and it terrifies me. All this time, in that same house working for the one I have always adored…the dream of him finally realising me is seemingly out of reach, because he is willingly walking away from me.
Feeling isolated I finally made the decision to leave the ball. The glamorous decor and heavenly music did not soothe me, nor did the attention of a few sympathetic waiters. Nothing felt exciting about the ballroom anymore, and it all felt cheap.
Love is not instant: you work at it.
Truthfully I had waited upon a miracle for Shino to suddenly embrace the soulmate concept, but I had kidded myself. There is no fairy tale here, nor will there ever be. He's too much of a realistic person to allow for my petty dreams to take form, and so my fantasies are worthless.
So here are my options: face reality or keep dreaming.
Dreaming is easy, but working isn't; sometimes the hard things are the most worthwhile, but there's still the fact that I want everything to be a fairy tale. I want the rose bouquets and love letters, the undying devotions of love…I want the holding hands and constant murmuring of affections.
I want the ultimate fairy tale, with the promise of eternal love. Is it too much to wish for? For a miracle to magic up the dream romance…for that to all happen would mean a flimsy promise, because then there is no real substance or history between me or Shino. There needs to be chaos, or else when will the aftermath settle, and finally fall into peace?
We all need a healthy dose of reality.
As the night folded around me, shadows and all, I went to the hotel alone, and not with my shining knight in armour. It seems I have disappointed myself more than he has disappointed me, which enrages me further.
Dressing for bed was done so in a numb unfeeling manner, and when I faced my mirror I saw the dimness in my face. Tsubaki the bright is no longer there, but that does not mean she has given up. I have realised Shino to be more of a tough shell to crack, and I will crack him. After all, don't I deserve to fall in love? That's all I have ever wanted, and yes that may be stupid to some, but I want to be special to him, because he has always been special to me.
I scrubbed off my makeup, flung my new white dress to the ground, and threw my kitten heels at the far wall. I will face this challenge without the gimmicks, but as myself. I don't need to hide behind a pretty smile, and he isn't going to fall in love with a cute dress is he? He has to love the person, on the inside.
It terrifies me, but it is the truth. I am not just a smile. I'm Tsubaki, and despite my appearance I am stronger than I look, and I will endure.
I will work through to him, until he finally realises me.
So Shino doesn't trust Tsubaki, and all she wants is a fairy tale ending...however, (rubs hands together evilly) there is good reason for distrust at this stage.
Please review, advise and criticise.
Next up is KankuroxUme, the two puppet masters with a past :) This will be exciting...