It Never Seems
I just wanna say thank you to those who are still reading this. It's starting to get thicker. Please enjoy.
CAli
Ch. 13 - The Confession
July 6th, 2009 - The West Coast
"I..." Lucas hesitated.
The look in her eyes stopped him. They were already so sad. He wanted so badly to tell her and he opened his mouth again but stopped as her eyes flickered down. Then Jamie squirmed. Fuck, Jamie. How could he forget about his nephew? This wasn't the way for Jamie to find out about his father. And Haley couldn't take this news right now. Not when she just found her footing back in singing. Plus Dante...
Nathan was right, as much as it pained him to admit it. They couldn't know. Not with Dante still out there and it was probably best they didn't know. Haley barely held it together, but she was still holding. And the singing was helping her heal, he could tell. If she won the show, maybe she would be able to move on, finally. They were all right without Nathan.
And his brother was too much of a coward to step forward and end whatever it was with Dante. But he should stop thinking that way. Nathan's eyes looked like his soul was battered and broken. Maybe his circumstances were dangerous. No, they were. The fear Nathan had. It still haunted Lucas. It made him want to dig up on Dante once they got back to Tree Hill. Although he was still angry at Nathan, if his brother was in trouble, he would hate himself if he didn't try to help.
So, two hastily decisions were made. He would help free his brother from the tortured trap he was in and he would lie to best friend. He told himself he was protecting her and Jamie. He was doing what any father would do. He was protecting his family. And in the back of his mind he said he wasn't doing it for Nathan. But he knew he was lying to himself.
Lucas cleared his throat. He looked down at Jamie and smiled but it was all a front to avoid Haley intensely looking at his eyes. He already saw her start to frown which meant he hesitated too long. She was already catching on something was wrong and keeping eye contact was a mistake with Haley if you were hiding something. Her stare could break you down. For someone so sweet, she had an intense glare which brought out a feisty side of her. It was rare when it came out, but it was enough experience to never want to go through it again. His best friend could be scary when she wanted to. He was surprised she kept it in so well after all these years. If it was him, he'd probably say fuck you to the world a long time ago and make stupid mistakes. But she held her head high and took in all the pressure silently as she shouldered on being a single mother. He would always be in awe of the strength of this woman.
It made his anger for Nathan grow more but it tampered down once he knew what his brother was into. It was a constant back and forth between anger and compassion whenever he thought of his brother. Lucas thought he was going insane and to block out all the conflicting emotions, he focused on lying to his best friend.
God, he was such a shitty person.
"I, just," he started again as he focused on Jamie who giggled at him. "I just thought I saw a ghost today. How crazy is that?" He forced a laugh.
"Uncle Lucas, you're so silly!" Jamie chimed in. "Ghosts aren't real."
"Oh, yeah? How do you know?"
"Because they're like vampires. They're a fantasy. Duh."
Lucas couldn't help but chuckle. "Okay, smart kid. Talk to me again in twenty years."
"A ghost?" Haley questioned.
The skepticism in her voice almost made his heart stop beating. The emphasis was so deep and thick, he knew it was such a stupid lie the moment it came out. Although it was partly true (Nathan was a ghost in some sense), it seemed ridiculous he would claim something supernatural when he's alway been a harsh critic himself. How could he be so idiotic? Haley knew, and she knew he knew he was caught, and he felt her stare intensify. He could imagine the wheels in her brain as she questioned why he would lie about something so trivial and especially when he didn't believe in supernatural stuff. He didn't want to look up and meet her gaze. He tried to come up with a way to cover his lie but nothing plausible popped up. But if he kept avoiding her gaze then she would force him to spill, whether it was punching his shoulder hard or pinning him down and plugging his nose so he couldn't breathe. Trust, the girl was stronger than she looked. So, he forced himself to make eye contact.
He knew he was caught the moment he locked eyes on her. Her frown was so intense, he gulped but he tried to be subtle about it. He covered by coughing then clearing his throat. He wanted to break eye contact so bad because he couldn't take those black eyes staring him down. He swore they went from light and mocha to pitch black like a person possessed by dark magic. Jeez, now he was really going crazy with these supernatural references. He inhaled a breath and tried to stay strong.
"Yeah, a ghost," he said. "It was crazy, but I think it was figment of my imagination. Last time I'll watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with you ever again, Hales."
There was a marathon on late at night a couple of nights ago, so it was totally plausible. They did watch it with his bitter comments. He forced a boyish chuckle to make the lie believable. But her stare never wavered and he silently thanked God and the heavens when Jamie interrupted his mother's showdown.
"What's Buffy the Vampire Slayer?" He asked, innocently.
"A show you're not allowed to watch for another ten years," Haley said, breaking her stare and focused on Jamie.
Jamie looked at him like he would be his partner in crime. Lucas crooked a smirk and ruffled his hair. The boy thought he was charming as he silently looked at him. He thought he convinced him in front of his mother to defy her decision. What a conniving little boy. He was definitely his father in that sense when Nathan was just an arrogant rich boy when he was a teen. A trait that's cute now but hoped wouldn't get to his nephew's head he could use it just to get what he wanted. Lucas made a mental note to nip that behavior in the butt.
"Nice try, buddy," he said. "What your mother says, goes. Can't watch the show for another ten years."
"Aw!" Jamie fake-whined.
"Come on, bud," Lucas said, standing up and still cradling him. "I don't know about you, but I'm beat. Let's take a nap. Your mother needs to be in the studio in a couple hours."
"Okay," Jamie conceded, yawning. "I'll just be in the next room, mama. I love you."
Haley smiled. "I love you, honey."
Her eyes moved up from Jamie's and locked on to his. He forced himself not to gulp and kept telling himself to keep his easy-going smile. Her look was clear in the message. This wasn't over.
CALI
There was no avoiding her. Although he tried to use Jamie as a shield for most of the day, it wasn't going to work at night. He almost considered getting Jamie hopped up on sugar just to prolong his bedtime so he would be spared Haley's questioned wrath. But that will only give him a couple hours and an angrier Haley. So wasn't worth it.
And just like clockwork, the moment Jamie was out, Haley was hovering over him. Literally, as he was on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. He cursed his short hair at the moment. He wished he grew it out just so he could yank on it. But then his mind wandered and thought if he did grow it out, it would be easier for Haley grab him. He'd sacrifice his ear over his hair any day. The far off thought did distract him a little bit as he chuckled, his warm breath hitting his face like it was some sort of temporary comfort.
But the distraction was only a fantasy.
"Lucas." Haley said.
He felt the bed dip and he soaked in her presence. Her tone crushed his heart. He could tell she was torn between annoyed he was lying and concerned about why he was lying. She was so goddamn thoughtful and caring. This was inner turmoil. How could Nathan do it? How could he lie to her? How could he walk away like that and still live with his decision? But that was the thing. He saw his brother. He was barely living. The decision to protect his family and leave weared on him every day and each day he had little strength left. Just two looks in his eyes and Lucas knew that. His brother was a time bomb waiting to die within himself. He had to protect his family but it turned into his biggest regret. And Nathan was prepared to live with that. But could he? Could he look at Haley every day, knowing he lied to her, and will continue to lie? Could he live with the guilt while making eye contact?
God, his stomach was tearing him apart and his heart was threatening to burst.
"Lucas, are you okay? I know you were lying earlier. What's going on?" Her voice was so soft.
"I..." he hesitated and finally looked up. "I don't know what to do."
That much was the truth.
"Just talk to me. We'll figure it out."
"I don't know how I'm supposed to do this, Haley."
"Do what? Why are you so freaked, Lucas? You're scaring me."
"I came across something bad. And I don't know how to handle it. I'm stuck."
"What did you come across?"
"I don't know if I can tell you. I love you, Haley, you and Jamie so much. I don't know what the right decision is."
He felt his left hand being gripped and he looked down as her right hand squeezed. He looked up to her warm eyes and saw strength. She was determined to be there for him when she was struggling. He knew she was trying to keep the panic at bay and built this faux wall to be strong. She hid it very well, but he knew she was scared with his behavior. God, he might as well be in the same category as Nathan. Another Scott man breaking her heart.
Her hug was tight and he couldn't help but close his eyes.
"I love you too, Lucas," she whispered in his ear. "You can talk to me. We'll get through this together. I will not leave you."
Tears filled at the bottom part of his eyes and pooled until they streamed down. The silent flow seemed so symbolic to him. Like this was the trail he had to go on. He had to be there for his best friend like she was being there for him right now. No matter how sad she was, she was going to do whatever it took to get him out of this dark hole and make him happy. The sad truth however, was no matter what he said, there was no way he could make this better. Either way, Nathan would not be coming back into their lives even though he had hope he could take Dante down himself to save his brother. But his decision was made. He had to protect Haley.
"I saw Nathan." He whispered.
CALI
Haley's eyes popped open when she heard Lucas's fractured confession. Her mind reeled as it replayed several times in her mind. She had to be dreaming but Lucas's broken breathing made it all the reality. Nathan was back? She leaned back to look at Lucas because she was hearing things. It was her imaginations since she was thinking about her husband lately. There was no way Lucas saw Nathan. Worst enough, he wasn't trying to hide it from her. He didn't see Nathan.
He didn't see Nathan.
But his look said it all. He did, and she bit her lip to stop the overreaction. Her emotions were about to get the best of her and she shouldn't do something rash. She had to process what Lucas said and not jump to conclusions. He told her even if he was struggling with that decision earlier.
The slap echoed against rough skin and Haley closed her eyes. So much for being calm. She couldn't get the past the fact that Lucas saw her husband and was thinking about not telling her. The betrayal was like a singing melody that wouldn't leave her head. It was on repeat. How could he do that to her? After everything, he wasn't going to tell her? Was he still here? What did he want? Why was Lucas scared?
She had to get answers.
"I deserved that," Lucas whispered, as he rubbed his cheek.
"What are you talking about?" She said, her voice just as low as his. "You saw Nathan?"
"Yes," he said, his blue eyes breaking as he made eye contact.
There were so much like Nathan's at that moment, she had to look away. She got up and turned her back so she could take a deep breath. She bit her lip again - harder this time - and turned around to look at her best friend. She took a moment to stare him down and gather her thoughts.
Do not yell or else you'll wake up Jamie. She repeated fast in her mind.
"And you were going to lie to me about it?" She asked.
He sighed. "I couldn't exactly tell you in front of Jamie."
"And what about now? Jamie's not here. You were going to lie."
"I was."
She scoffed. "Jesus fucking Christ, Lucas."
"But I couldn't. I can't live with the guilt that Nathan has. I'm sorry, Hales. I'm sorry I thought about it. But I'm not lying to you and I will never."
"What do you mean Nathan's guilt? How did you even see him in the first place? You saw him, in this hotel? Why didn't he talk to me?"
"He can't."
"But he can talk to you? I'm his fucking wife, that he left pregnant four years ago, and he can't talk me?"
"It's complicated, Haley."
"Then make it uncomplicated. Explain to me why he can talk to you but not me. Explain to me what he was even doing in this hotel in the first place."
She watched as Lucas looked down and sighed. She shot daggers at him willing to look back up. Finally, reluctantly, he looked up and kept eye contact as he explained.
"He's playing basketball with the Supersonics. They're in town playing the Lakers in the playoffs. He's going under a different name, obviously. Even changed his looks."
"This whole time he's been playing basketball?"
Her heart broke at the thought. She never hated basketball more than anything until now. The anger was building inside her so much she started to have dark thoughts of killing Nathan if she ever saw again. All this heartbreak and pain for a damn sport. He loved fucking basketball more than her.
Lucas nodded. "Yeah. But trust me, Haley. It wasn't his choice. There's more to this."
"What's more? He left me to play basketball. That sounds like a choice to me."
There was suspended silence.
"I can't tell you the full story."
Haley scoffed and threw her hands up. "Fuck you, Lucas. I can't deal with this anymore."
She walked out and slid behind her slumbering son in the next room. Jamie didn't miss a beat and continued to snore. Haley took a quiet, deep breath then exhaled. Then the tears silently flowed.
July 13th, 2009 - The West Coast
Haley took a long, steady breath. The music sheet in front of her looked blurred and distorted. She blinked several times for it to be clear. But everything was jumbled and smudged. Lucas's words about Nathan haunted her for a week now. Rehearsals were a mix between distractions and professional focus.
One hour she was staring at her music sheet with a blank, sad look on her face. She barely stemmed her guitar. The next, she was on a tunnel-vision path getting in all the work just to tweak the song that fit her style.
She was sure the band hated her for her hit-or-miss attitude.
"Haley?" A voice behind her asked.
And for a moment, her breath hitched. The voice had that deep, strong tone. For a moment, she thought it was her husband. Would he see her? Would he explain himself? Would be own up to what he did? But all those questions vanished just as quick as she thought it. She turned around and it wasn't Nathan. The man behind her looked sheepish, like he was nervous to still be around her. It wasn't her, though, the PA was so young and eager, he was nervous in general. It was probably because he was still in awe of being part of a big production like American Idol.
She smiled softly at him, her Southern charm unintentionally coming out. "Yes?" Her drawl came out.
"They're ready for you."
"Thank you." She nodded, and after an awkward moment he walked off, his hand pressing against his headset telling his bosses she was coming.
She sighed and looked down at her music sheet one more time. She didn't have time to think about the week's events. She had a song to sing and fight for her spot once again on this show. She deserved to be here. She deserved to sing. She deserved to be happy. And if it wasn't with her husband, who abandoned his family to live his dream, then fine. She was allowed to live hers without him too. She was going to sing and she was going to become a star. And she was going to do it without Nathan. It was her time. She could think about everything else when this was over.
She looked up and stared down her reflection in the mirror.
"I deserve this." She told herself.
"Haley?"
Her eyes flicked to the right and she found herself glaring. Lucas stood in her doorway, looking very sad and sheepish. His right eye twitched and he looked down in shame. She had no time for him, so she scoffed and got up, intent on ignoring his wounded puppy dog look.
"I'm still not talking to you, Lucas," she said, briskly.
"I just wanted to say good luck. You'll be great out there." He said, and she knew he tried to keep his voice light.
She ignored his praise and picked up her pace to get to stage left.
CALI
"Ladies and gentlemen, you all know tonight is Taylor Swift night and we've had some amazing performances thus far. Continuing the amazing performances, here is Haley James with her rendition of 'I Knew You Were Trouble.'" Ryan Seacrest said, subtlety nodding at her.
The lights dimmed but she could still feel heat. She had mere milliseconds before her cue to start and she took that precious time to soak everything in around her. The lights, the cheers, the beginning chords of her guitar, they all amplified. With her eyes closed, she took a deep breath and allowed herself to be lost in that one particular moment. This was the biggest stage she ever performed in and it was much more exhilarating and intense than those small clubs she toured with Chris all those years before. She absolutely loved this stage. Despite her anger and confusion towards the Scott brothers, she allowed herself this. This, she really wanted. So, everything she felt, she was going to use that as that extra oomph to get her to stay.
She wanted to win American Idol.
Although the original version had a rhythmic, fast beat, Haley decided to twist the song to her own style. She kept the fast pace but her voice was like she was singing a heartbreak ballad. The first verse, she kept standing as belted out the lyrics, her eyes closed the entire time. When the pause happened, she was full of energy as she grabbed the mic from the stand sang with intense anger as she went into the hook.
Her rocker personality that she showed hints of in the beginning shined through as she twirled and dropped to her knees as she belted out "Lying on the cold, hard ground." She even tossed her hair. She sang the second verse while on her knees, center stage, while the crowd went wild. She wanted to smile but all the hurt, sadness, anger, confusion was coming out as she sang the lyrics. By the time she got to the hook and chorus, she jumped back from her knees and flawless landed upright as she strutted back to her mic stand.
The third verse was where she had her freedom with runs. She sang the highest she ever it and she was lost in the moment. She bended at her waist and bopped her head to the beat and she felt the whoosh on the back of her neck as her hair flipped back and forth. She was having the time of her life as she sang the song as if she was abandoned. It was true. Nathan did leave lying on the cold, hard ground. She was so mad and she let that emotion come out as she performed the song.
And then the slowdown. She flipped her guitar back and placed the mic back on the stand. Her breathing was hard and it showed as her mouth was literally glued to the mic. She sang about fear and she had to close her eyes. The latter half of the song, she sang with her heart literally out of her chest. She could feel the emotions overwhelming as tears threatened to fall as she basically screamed her hurt. She knew Nathan was trouble and the joke was on her. She sang the last few lines like how she started the song; a heartbroken ballad. She lingered on the word trouble as she ended the song and after affects shook her very core.
The theater was rumbling. Her shock was evident as Ryan Seacrest laughed as he hugged her and kept her tight against his side. He praised her for such a powerful, energetic performance. He told her to look at how much an impact she had on the crowd. It was hard to hear as they still screamed. She saw PAs hidden deep in the crowd, desperately trying to control the audience so the judges and Ryan could be heard. It was all deafening and she just stood there in awe. Tears really did start to come down as the audience chanted her name then died down as Ryan tried to move on to the judges' critique.
All of them gave positive reviews, pointing out different parts of the performance they loved. From her commitment to the range of emotions displayed to her sassiness as she performed. They said her claws were out. They said the gloves were off. They said the wholesome girl was gone. They said a fire was lit within her and they were excited. They said her notes and runs were perfect.
And then there was Simon Cowell, who squinted his eyes and frowned at her as he leaned back with his arms crossed. He paused, as he deliberately licked his lips for a dramatic tease. He stared her down for a few more seconds before he leaned his head back, showing he was thinking how to phrase his feedback.
"You know, Miss James, when I heard we were doing Taylor Swift this week, I thought, 'God, how cliche.'" He started, ignoring the jeers. "Taylor Swift, the perfect girl next door who sings about unrequited love, or more like whines about it."
Now there was clearer boos and insults aimed at him and he ignored it. He stared her down again. Haley refused to be meek and stared back.
"And you remind me of Taylor Swift so I thought I was going to be bored because you would perform like Taylor Swift. What you just sang was not a Taylor Swift song. That was raw emotion."
And now the audience was on his side as they cheered.
"I'm not finish," he tossed out. "Miss James, these past few weeks you have been performing in a way I couldn't put my finger on. There was something about you that made me feel you were holding back. Your performances are good, don't get me wrong, but I felt like there was something there that made you hold back, like you didn't want to commit because you were afraid. And I think I figured it out after this performance. You're sad, aren't you?"
Haley stared, making no attempt to answer him. Which seemed like the right choice because he continued on. She forced herself to look calm even though her heart was wildly beating inside her chest and her grip was losing on her mic as sweat magically appeared.
"You got your heart broken, didn't you?" He asked, rhetorically. "This performance showed it, and looking back, you do sing every song like you're sad. And, Miss James, that is your edge. Sing like the man who broke your heart is in that crowd and you will win American Idol. I'm calling it now. You will win American Idol if you sing like you're sad."
Haley clutched her heart as the theater rumbled again. Everything was white noise as she stood there and looked at the camera as Ryan read off the information to vote for her. She was on auto-pilot as she walked off right stage. She barely heard Ryan carrying a conversation with Simon about his comments and then segue to a commercial break. Was this was it was like to be in a happy shock?
As she walked off stage, she never noticed the tall man with the dark cap that was pulled down tight and covered his eyes. She definitely couldn't hear him whisper her name. If she would've looked down as she walked off stage like she normally would as fans screamed her name and she waved hi. But she didn't this time because everything seemed surreal at the moment. If she did look down like she would've normally, then she would've saw Nathan.
End Ch. 13
Thank you again for sticking with this.
Review if you'd like.
CAli