Chapter 14: Fight Or Flight
Nikki sat, shaking slightly, as Dr King absorbed what Nikki had just told her.
"How bad was this accident? Physically?" she asked. Nikki swallowed hard. Her gaze never strayed from the fish as she replied.
"I had to have pretty extensive surgery on my intestine and diaphragm, and was on a ventilator for the first 24 hours. Apparently is was touch and go. I don't know, I was unconscious for the whole thing," Nikki informed her.
"How did you feel when you woke up and realised what had happened?" Dr King asked.
"Well, I couldn't remember at first, it wasn't for a few hours until I could remember what happened," Nikki said, putting off the question.
"So how did you feel when you could remember?" Grace persisted.
"Scared. Terrified," Nikki admitted. The doctor scribbled something down in her book.
"Scared of what?"
"Of the killer coming back to get me while I slept. Because I knew who he was. Well, at first I couldn't see his face, but was certain that it was someone I knew."
Dr King frowned. "Did you find out who it was?"
"Yes, eventually. I kept having this same dream, of the events of that day, but the bit when I saw his face was all blurry. However, about three or four days after my accident I remembered. Then when I woke up he was there in my room," Nikki said shakily, trying to ignore the pain of reliving everything.
"He was there? In the hospital?"
"Yes, he was one of the policemen, don't forget. No one had any reason to suspect him of anything. But my fears had come true; he was back to finish the job," she told the doctor.
"There was a second attempt to end your life?" Dr King asked.
"I was almost smothered with a pillow," Nikki said calmly.
"Almost?" The doctor questioned.
"Harry and Leo came in and saw what was happening," she said. There was a minute's silence as Dr King wrote furiously in her notebook. Then she looked up at Nikki and said, "It must have been hard. Afterwards, I mean. It must have shaken you up a bit."
"Yes," Nikki said shortly.
"How have you been coping since?"
"I haven't. That's why I'm here," Nikki replied.
"In what way haven't you been coping?" Grace asked. This was it. This was when Nikki was going to have to tell her what was wrong. Part of her just wanted to flee from the room and never return, but she wouldn't be able to bear the look of disappointment on Harry's face if she did that.
"I'm permanently scared," she confessed quietly. "All the time. I can't be in my house alone, I can't sleep at night, I can't even get in my car."
"It's normal to suffer from a certain degree of anxiety after going through a traumatic experience," Grace said softly.
"It's more than anxiety though," Nikki said. "I had a panic attack when I tried to use Harry's car yesterday. The sheer terror of getting into a car made me vomit."
"You said it was Harry's car?"
"Yes."
"So how did you get here today?"
"We drove, but it's different when I'm in the passenger seat. When I'm in the driver's seat, all I can see is what happened on that day, but in the other seat I'm not the driver and I'm in the car with someone I know," Nikki explained.
"Okay," Dr King smiled. "What about sleep then? You haven't been getting much of it?"
"No. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is the murderer's face. It's like it's burnt into my skull. But I'm scared to go to sleep as well, because then I have nightmares."
"What sort of nightmares?"
"Nightmares of people trying to kill me," Nikki said quickly. Another note was scribbled down. "I've been taking sleeping pills, but they don't really make much difference."
Dr King stopped writing and looked up sharply. "How often have you been taking these pills?"
"Every night," Nikki admitted.
"And how many?"
"Four."
"Nikki, you know that's not good for you, you'll become addicted," Grace frowned.
"I know," Nikki said. "I'm not addicted, but they're the only thing that helps me fall asleep."
"Does Harry know that you take these pills?"
"He does now, but he didn't at the time," Nikki told her.
"Right. Let's move on," the doctor said. "Tell me about being in your house alone."
Nikki sighed. She felt so tired; it was exhausting going through all this again. "It's not just in my car when I have panic attacks. It's in my house as well. But only when I'm alone. If Harry or Leo's with me then it's okay."
"What scares you about being alone?"
"I'm always frightened that there's someone there hidden out of sight who's just waiting to kill me," Nikki muttered.
"Why would someone want to kill you?" Grace asked.
"Dr King, I help put people in prison with my forensic evidence. That's why I was run off the road in the first place. There are plenty of people out there who wouldn't particularly mind if I was dead. It's not like this was the first attempt at my life either."
There was another pause and Dr King just looked at Nikki. Nikki fidgeted uncomfortably, and eventually Grace spoke.
"You still haven't answered my question, Nikki," she said quietly. "What brings you here? What do you hope to achieve my coming to see me."
"I want you to fix me," Nikki said. "I want you to make me better. I want to be able to drive my car, and sleep alone."
"What if that can't be done?" Grace asked, her eyes narrowed.
"It has to be," Nikki replied defiantly. "I have to get better for Harry. I'm doing this for him."
Dr King nodded, then started writing again. Nikki sat back a bit on the sofa, gazing once more at the brightly coloured fish. It must have been nearly five minutes until the peaceful silence was broken by Grace.
"Right," she said, closing her notepad and leaning forwards. "Do you want to know what I think?"
Nikki nodded, her eyes sparkling.
"You've been through so much for someone of your age, more than most. This last attack has suddenly bought the reality of what has happened to you over the years crashing down, and it's terrifying. Your brain can only focus on the bad things, and you're forgetting all the good times. You're forgetting the fact that you're still here! There is nothing more precious than human life, Nikki, and despite the many attempts to take yours away, you're still clinging on with such determination. This may be exhausting, and sometimes it may feel like the effort isn't worth it, but you can't let go. If you did there would be massive repercussions. Think of Harry. You said you wanted to get better for him, but it's going to take work on your part. I can't fix you, Nikki. Only you can do that. It will be hard, and I expect you'll struggle from time to time, and that's when I can help. I'm here to keep you on track, to talk things through.
"Now when you go out of here in a couple of minutes time, you're going to be feeling emotional having relived all this, and that's when you've got to let Harry look after you. Don't shut him out, let him in. He can help you, Nikki. Don't forget that he has been sat in that chair himself. And trust me, you're going to need all your friends around you for the next few months."
Nikki could feel her eyes prickling. She wanted to say something, but didn't know what.
"Where do I start?" she asked eventually.
"You already have. Coming to see me is the first step," Dr King said. "But I'm setting you homework. Before our next session I want you to have come up with a list. A list of at least ten good things in your life. Things that make you smile. I'm also going to tell you to stop taking those sleeping pills. They'll do more harm than good, and you'll probably find that you won't need them anyway."
Nikki nodded as they both stood up.
"You're an incredibly strong woman, Nikki. I believe that you can do this, I really do," Grace said. Nikki smiled weakly.
"Thank you," she croaked.
"I'm just doing my job," Dr King said, opening the door and letting Nikki pass through it first. As soon as Nikki entered the waiting room Harry stood up. Nikki walked straight over to him and burst into tears. Harry didn't question what was wrong, in fact, he didn't say anything. He simply wrapped his arms around her and held her close. Nikki heard footsteps behind her, and knew who it must be.
"Take her home, Harry," Dr King said. Nikki felt Harry nod, and he pulled back from her.
"Come on," he muttered. "Let's get you out of here."
They walked out into the car park, Harry's arm around Nikki. She was still sobbing, and Harry was gently soothing her.
"It's okay, it's all over now. We're going home," he was saying, but it wasn't making Nikki feel better as such.
"Can we go to your place?" Nikki asked Harry.
"Of course," he muttered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
*
When they arrived back at Harry's apartment, the enormity of everything that Nikki had done that morning finally hit her and she sunk onto Harry's sofa, completely shattered. Harry came and sat next to her, putting an arm around her shoulders and pulling her into him. Nikki lay her head on his chest.
"She said I should let you in," she muttered tiredly.
"You should," Harry replied.
"She also said that I have to stop taking those sleeping pills," Nikki mumbled.
"Good. If I'd known that you were still taking them then I'd have stopped you myself," Harry said.
"I'm sorry," she whispered after a minute.
"Don't be sorry. None of this is your fault," Harry muttered. They fell into a comfortable silence, broken only by the ticking of the clock.
"Shouldn't you be at work?" Nikki asked eventually.
"Leo's given me a few days off," he replied. "Don't worry about it. I told you that I was going to be here for you whatever, and I will be."
Nikki wiped away a tear that trickled down her cheek. She raised her head to look at her boyfriend.
"Dr King asked me if I was really in love with you. She said people can sometimes mistake love for the simple longing to be loved," she told him.
"And what did you say?" Harry asked.
"I told her I wouldn't know how to exist in a world where you don't."
Harry smiled at her gently and kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger slightly before he lay his cheek on her hair. Nikki leant into him once again, and for the first time in days a proper smile graced her lips.
Another chapter for my lovely readers! I'm not too sure about this one either, but oh well!
Did anyone else watch the 'Watching the Dead' programme on Thursday? It was rather good! I don't like Harry's hair though!!! I think it looks so much better short :( But we did get to see some nice clips of series 13!
Review! (It makes me write quicker!)