Erik's heart dropped to the floor and he felt a pain on his chest. Did he hear that right? Moira was pregnant. Fuck.
He opened his mouth but no words came out of it, so he sat on his heels, his hands falling to his sides and his gaze escaping Charles' eyes. This was it then. All the plans he had been doing, the proposal he had thought of, the future of them he had imagined. Gone. All gone.
Charles was a good man, he wouldn't let Moira alone during that. He was probably one of those guys who married the girl even if he didn't want to, just to make things right. And Erik wasn't the type of guy to stop him from doing that.
He looked up again, his eyes filled with desperation and his hands shaking. He didn't know what he was seeing on Charles' face, couldn't read him at that moment and that scared him more than anything.
Charles wasn't going to leave him now, would he? They could have another month. Maybe two. Just a little more, he couldn't let go yet.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He didn't know what else to say. Congratulations? It seemed too forced at that moment. Asking him if they were over? He couldn't make himself say that.
"I am confused and I have tons of questions running through my mind. Nervous… excited? Not yet, I guess", he answered honestly, trying to search for hold in Erik's eyes.
The other man looked so lost, it broke Charles heart. Even though he had promised not to, Charles needed to know what Erik was thinking. He needed to be sure that Erik wasn't walking away, thinking he would do him a favor.
'No, Charles. This is not the way. Ask him. Ask him and he'll tell you', he said to himself and bit his lip.
What should he ask? 'Are you going to leave me?' Erik could misunderstand that one easily.
"How are you feeling?", he asked back, wondering if he could have done better.
Erik had no idea how to answer that, so he settled for "I'm scared" and hoped Charles would understand what he meant.
He looked down, lost in his thoughts. He needed to hug the other man so much right now, he needed to feel him close and know they would always have each other, but as he had just said, he was so scared.
"How long-" he started and paused to swallow a knot on his throat. God, his eyes were filling with tears and he suddenly felt at least ten years older, the weight of life falling on his shoulders.
"Will you marry her?" he asked then, a stupid tear escaping his eye and his hand quickly going up to his face trying to hide it before it was noticed.
That single tear that fell down Erik's cheek broke Charles' heart. Charles quickly kneeled down to be on the same level as Erik and removing the other man's hand from his face. Then he cupped it with his own hands and brushed the tear away with his thumb.
"Erik. Listen to me very carefully. I am not going to leave you. Ever. You don't have to be scared of that, okay?"
Charles leaned his forehead against Erik's and looked him deep in the eyes.
He wanted Erik to understand that there was nothing to be afraid of in his position. He needed Erik to understand and help him through the complicated situation. He needed Erik's strength, because Charles feared, that alone he wasn't strong enough.
"Okay" Erik whispered, letting his heart believe that.
He took a deep breath, controlling himself and his emotions again, while his arms went around Charles' neck. He wasn't leaving Erik. And Erik was certainly never leaving him. So they would be okay. They could do this as long as they were together.
"It sounds… good though, doesn't it?" he asked after a moment, breaking their silence but not breaking the eye contact "A child. Do you want one? I've been meaning to ask you that for a while now".
As he spoke, he bumped their noses together, needing the reassurance. He was still fucking scared of that situation, but knowing Charles was staying with him, made it all better out of nowhere and he was already seeing a bright side.
Charles wanted children. He had been thinking about that once already.
Seeing Erik happier and more relaxed, calmed Charles down. He was still unsure if he would be a good father and how they would manage everything with Moira.
Still, he couldn't hide that a little excitement was bubbling up inside him. He had wanted kids and now he got the chance to become a dad.
His heart was swelling immensely in his chest and he smiled at Erik.
"I've always wanted children and when I decided for you, I actually thought, I'd never be able to have one", he blurted out.
Erik felt something inside himself breaking. He suddenly felt cold and the need to cry came rushing back.
God, he had never- when he thought about having children with Charles, he thought that maybe the other man wouldn't want that and it would be okay, because really, it wasn't his dream. It wasn't something he had always wanted or thought about.
But it was something Charles had dreamt of. And when he decided for Erik he had also given up completely on what he wished for because he had decided it was for the best.
Erik was the one who was keeping Charles from having a full life just because he couldn't give him kids. But there were other ways. They could adopt, they could have a surrogate mother, fuck, they could even steal a baby if Charles wanted. But just… Think he would never be able to because he decided to stick with Erik?
To say his heart was broken was an understanding and Erik felt like getting up and leaving the office, leaving the mansion, leaving the country. How could Charles even-. Goddamnit.
The more he tried to give, the more he was actually taking away from the other man.
His arms fell from around Charles' neck and he pulled his head away, his boyfriend's hands falling from his face. "Yeah, that's good for you" he said his voice sounding flat.
The bell rang telling him it was time for his class to start, so he stood up, his legs feeling too heavy like they didn't belong to his body. "I gotta go" he said "But that's great Charles, I mean, now you can finally be complete you know. And if you're worried I'll leave you like I always do, don't be, okay? I need to go" he rushed the end of his sentence - his voice breaking at each word.
Before he could leave the office his eyes found the tablet with the food and post-it and he said "Eat your lunch, love" before leaving almost running, his heart clenching painfully inside his chest.
He stopped in a empty room, not caring if he was getting late for class and bit harshly on his bottom lip, making it bleed until the desire to cry went away.
Erik looked like Charles had just slapped him with his words. Before he could even say something, Erik was out of the door. Charles had read his mind at that very moment, needing to know what was wrong. Erik's thoughts startled him and he needed a moment to gather himself. Why would Erik think that Charles was unhappy or incomplete around him? Erik was all Charles needed and he should tell him this.
Without further ado, Charles got up from his desk and followed Erik
He just saw the other man leaving a room, when the door to a classroom next to them opened and children ran out of it. Charles almost lost Erik in the crowd and they couldn't talk around the students anyway.
Just like that, Charles froze everyone, making them stand still and focused on Erik, who was looking around confused.
"Erik. Don't run away from me. Not like that, not right now. I need you Erik. You are all I've ever wanted."
Erik turned around when he heard Charles' voice and he couldn't tell if he was happy the other man came after him or not. He didn't know what to say or how to express his feelings at that moment.
He stared at him for a while, his heart beating fast inside his chest and he grinded his teeth to get a grip on himself and not start crying. He didn't cry like that. But just the thought of hurting Charles, of not being good for him was enough to bring him to tears at any second.
'But I'm not, am I?' He asked his voice small even for his own ears 'I mean, how long have you been carrying that feeling inside of you? That you could never have children because you decided for me? God, Charles. I want kids too. I want a family with you and you never thought about asking, you just assumed…' He trailed off not knowing how to continue. His fingers ran through his hair desperately and he closed his eyes breathing deep.
'You just assumed your dream was gone because you stuck with me.' He shook his head 'Maybe you thought that it wouldn't come from as much love as it would have if you were with a woman. But you're wrong you know, you're wrong. I would have loved that tiny little person no matter where it came from, and I can't understand why you would think you couldn't have that because of me.'
"I did.. I did, Erik", Charles said desperately. He stepped closer to Erik, seeing that the other man backed away just a tiny bit and stopped. His heart was caught in his throat.
"It's true. The dream became out of reach for me after we started dating, but I never abandoned it. I knew you would do that for me, but we're at the beginning of our relationship, so I didn't even start to think about children yet", he explained and once again got closer to Erik.
He lifted his arm, to put it on Erik's cheek and looked him deep in the eye.
"You are everything I need, Erik. And now you get to love a tiny little person, be a dad for him or her just as much as I will try to be, if everything works out the way I want."
All the people around him were still frozen and Charles had to concentrate not to let them slip.
'But we're at the beginning of our relationship, so I didn't even start to think about children yet' those words were glued inside his head and he couldn't stop repeating them.
He was such a fool. Thinking about a family, planning a perfect proposal. He wasn't planning on doing that the next day, but he wanted to do it soon, and now… Charles wasn't even thinking about it because it was too early.
He was right of course, what kind of person thinks of family and marriage after a month of dating? To him it was just so certain, after all, he had been in love with Charles for eleven years now.
Somehow it felt like all the words coming out of Charles' mouth were the wrong ones, like Erik could find a flaw in each one of them, and even him saying that Erik would get to be a dad for his child didn't do much to soothe his heart at that moment.
Maybe he just needed a time for himself. Needed to breathe, to think. But there was something about Charles' eyes when he looked at Erik so deeply, that told him Charles was scared and he couldn't go now. He would have his moment later.
"Okay" Erik said not wanting to fight anymore. "It's going to be okay, Charles. You don't have to be scared of being a father, I'll be with you all the way, I promise". He knew he didn't sound so convincing at that moment, but he meant all those words, he was just feeling out of place.
"I'm sorry I got upset, it was foolish of me to think of important things like that so early" he completed looking down, his hands going to rest on his boyfriend's waist.
Charles wanted to say that it wasn't foolish of Erik to think about things like that. He wanted to confess that he thought about it too the other day. But somehow he knew that every word he was just saying right now, would draw Erik more away from him. Right now, Charles just wanted to hold Erik close, needed his strength. His world was still upside down and he feared losing the ground beneath his feet. He needed Erik to support him now, they needed to be at the same page.
"Thank you. Let's talk about this later, okay? You need your time and I am so sorry for any word you might have misunderstood", Charles finally said and kissed Erik's cheeks.
"I'll take your classes for today, no arguing."