Chapter 14

"Suzaku."

The mass of brown hair which is bent over a thick old book looks up upon hearing her commanding voice. She can barely read the words, "justice" and "government" on top of the page he was reading.

"C.C., what is it?"

"Take me to Mao."

Taken aback by her unexpected request, the knight could only utter a "What?"

"I said take me to Mao. And I am not asking."

"But Le -"

"I don't care what Lelouch will say. I believe I have the right to see him since I was his target and the cause of this chaos. So take me to him, Kururugi."

Once she uses his surname, Suzaku knows that she is damn serious. And she truly is. It is a must for her to see Mao and know how he is doing. Enemy or not, she must know how far he and Lelouch have come and what exact damage they have done.

Strangely, Suzaku does not lead her to the underground cells but to a familiar place where she just stayed for a week to get healed and recover two days ago.

Confused, she wordlessly follows as the knight goes to the private rooms' floor where mostly the nobilities are confined.

It was the tubes and heart monitor by the bed that catch C.C.'s attention as soon as they enter the room.

Then her eyes lay upon the thin bruised and wounded body of someone who was once a tall and built man. His white hair is spread like white petals of a flower being offered to the dead. Eyes closed, they are too swollen and blue she couldn't imagine how he can still open them. That is if he still could. Hues of black and blue, and occasionally red, mark his pale skin creating an abstract image on a blank canvass. There are also scattered wounds and scratches though some are already healing.

C.C. shakes her head in disbelief and turns to the knight beside her. "What have you done? What did the two of you have done?"

Suzaku avoids her eyes and remains silent.

"Why is he in the hospital?"

"He needs to be alive when we turn him over to the Chinese Federation so he stays here during the day and is given proper medication."

She throws her hands in the air. "Then you torture him at night. So what's the point?"

"He deserves it," Suzaku silently says.

"He deserves it?" Pointing a shaky finger on his chest, C.C. whispers, "Who are you and Lelouch to say that he deserves it? I'm the one whom he had done wrong, I believe I have more say about what he deserves and I am telling you he doesn't deserve to be tortured that way." She is trembling, her body is shaking. She wants to scream, to shout, to put some sense into Suzaku but all of her emotions only come out as a broken whisper. "I want you to stop torturing him and I am not asking. You will stop right now, do you understand Kururugi?"

A heartbeat.

"Yes, C.C."

"Say it."

"We will stop torturing, Mao no matter what the prince will say."

Covering her eyes with her hand, she lets some frustrated tears flow. "You are my best friend. And the Suzaku that I know is not someone who is capable of doing such atrocious acts, someone who does not tolerate unreasonable violence. Do you know what Euphy said about you? That you are gentle and caring. But where is that person? Can you imagine if Euphy finds out about this? Will she look at you the same way now?"

When she doesn't hear an answer, she wipes her tears and looks straight into his eyes. "I don't know the person who is standing infront of me now. My friend has left and I wonder when he will come back. Think of your actions and contemplate if you can still call yourself a respectable knight. Now, leave."

"Y-You're staying?"

"I am staying. And there's nothing for you to worry about since you left Mao in a state wherein he can't even hurt a fly."

Suzaku sighs and takes a step forward. "I am sorry for hurting your feelings. This is not all Lelouch's fault, I voluntarily agreed and joined him in exacting revenge to Mao."

"You don't have to defend him."

"I am not defending him, I'm just telling you the real situation. C.C... I am sorry if we let anger and resentment control us. But... I didn't act as the prince's knight during those evenings spent in the cell, I was your friend who was too furious after almost losing someone very important to him."

When Suzaku finally left, C.C. slumps on a chair and holds her head. What is happening to them? Why are they falling apart? In this time of crisis, they should have become much tighter and stronger but no, they are only growing farther apart. Is this her fault for being Mao's target? Did she do this to them?

C.C. stays longer inside the room more than she had wanted to. Somehow, she feels much safer with Mao than staying inside the palace where all of the torture was done.

Mao, she was once afraid of him for what he had done to her but now, she can't even look at him without feeling a tinge of guilt and pity.

Suddenly there is a stir on the bed and she slowly approaches the man. With her arms crossed - or more likely her one arm crossed - she stands steps away from him but enough for him to see that she is there.

"C...C...?"

"Mao."

The severe swelling of his eyelids only allows his eyes to open very little like two whiskers on his face. "You're alive."

"I am."

"Let's... get out of here... Come with me, C.C."

She shakes her. "No. Please stop, Mao. You do not love me and I do not love you. You have to accept that."

"That's not true."

"It is."

Mao's eyes shut close and when he clearly falls back asleep, C.C. returns to her chair and reverts to thinking.

The next time Mao awakens, he asks, "Was I even your friend?"

C.C. nods. "Yes. During those early days of the tutorial, you were a good friend of mine."

On the third time that he wakes up, Mao says, "That boy doesn't deserve you, too. Look at what he had done to me. Is that the prince you are proud of?"

"No, that is not my prince. And you should take more rest for your wounds to heal faster."

"Why are you still concerned about me after what I've done?"

"I am not concerned. I am just doing what I think is right."

After Mao closes his eyes for the fourth time, C.C. decides that it is time for her to leave and bids her last goodbye to the man who she will never see again.

She finds him sitting on the bench outside the room. Back hunched, head on his hands, not a single greeting comes from C.C. as soon as she catches a glimpse of his figure. Passing by him, she walks as if she sees nothing but the corridor and goes on to her next destination.

But the soft yet heavy footsteps that follow her until she reaches her bedroom didn't escape her notice. She takes note of how careful and calculated those footsteps are like a cat slowly approaching its master. These footsteps stop just right outside of her door and do not dare enter her room.

C.C. ceremoniously removes her ponytail and combs her long emerald hair. She then removes her earrings and bracelet placing them on the desk. Sitting at the edge of her bed, she trades her sandals to a more comfortable pair of fluffy slippers. Thank God that her feet are mostly healed. All she's going to worry now is her arm which is still in a sling.

And the boy outside her doorway.

Sighing, she stares at the peaceful scenery outside her window. Orange, pink and yellow pastels gently color the canvass that is the blue sky. Birds are starting to go back to their nests as the trees lull their leaves to sleep. Nighttime is fast approaching.

"What is it, Lelouch?" she asks without glancing at him and rather unemotionally.

It must be nice, to blend together like those colors until you don't know where one ends... until you lose your own color.

"I'm sorry."

"Do you come here at your own will or did it require Suzaku to tell you the situation before you decided to approach me?"

There was no response.

She closes her fist on her lap to keep it from trembling. "I am disappointed. Very much disappointed."

When there is still no response, C.C. continues, "What you did to Mao is more than what he did to me. Yes, he almost killed me TWICE, but slowly and continuously torturing him until he could barely open his eyes and walk on his own feet for days... For days, Lelouch, how were you able to stand it? How could you be so cold and heartless? With that, you are no different..." she shakes her head, "No, you are more monstrous than him - viler and unapologetic. I even expressed my disagreement with the whole thing yet you didn't consider my feelings," she lets out an empty laugh, "Do you really love me if you can do that to me? When you knew that it would hurt my feelings yet didn't consider them?"

She notices a single yellow flower dangling at the tip of a branch. A small bird lands on it and starts poking at the flower until it falls and gets carried by the wind and C.C. loses sight of that flower.

"Where is my Lelouch?" she whispers. "Bring him back." Her voice breaks.

"I-I'm..." he clears his throat, "I'm sorry, Cera."

Wiping the tears that manage to escape her eyes as hard as she tried to hold them back, she says, "I'm sorry, too, because I can't be with a man like that."

Silence. None of them dares to make unnecessary movements.

Then an exhale.

A soft "Okay" uttered in part disbelief and defeat.

Another exhale, this time deeper and longer.

And a more audible "Okay".

Followed by softer "Okays" as if the person muttering them is having a hard time convincing himself.

"Have a good night, C.C."

And unlike earlier, the footsteps walk away from her.

Mao was finally turned over to the custody of the Chinese Federation three days after being confined in the hospital. The ceremony was kept simple and out of the media's sight with only the key officials of both parties present including the prince and his knight.

After that, the situation in the palace slightly returns to normal. The emperor and the empress go about their usual ways of ruling the empire, the twins, being the least affected residents, remain in the dark of what had happened in the past few days, and the prince busies himself in both palace and university works in preparation for the upcoming resumption of classes. C.C. on the other hand focuses on the complete recovery of her shoulder. She also received a notice from her university in Japan about the ending of break and a letter if she is still going to take online classes.

"I'm thinking of returning to Japan probably two weeks from now," she opens up one dinner time.

The fragile sound of the utensils abruptly stops at the same time her companions look up from their plates.

It is a gloomy Nunnally who expresses her thoughts first. "Can't you take the classes here since they're online?"

C.C. kindly smiles at her. "I wish it's that simple but I still have to pass the requirements to the faculty themselves and actually… I think I'm going to stop taking them and go back to attending classes in campus."

"How about your shoulder?" Rolo asks.

"My shoulder is healing just fine. The nurse said that the sling can be removed this weekend."

Nunnally pouts. "When are you going to return?"

"Right after graduation which is like, only four months from now."

"Isn't that your graduation, too, Lelouch?"

C.C. automatically glances at him who looks up at Rolo. "Yes it is."

"Oh, oh!" To prove that she has a brilliant idea, Nunnally claps twice. "Why don't you just transfer here and graduate together with brother and Suzaku? Then we'll have the biggest celebration after!"

Not wanting to bluntly reject her idea and harshly put out the sparkle in the younger girl's eyes, C.C. says, "That would be an awesome plan. I would have loved to do that but transferring here this late would take a lot of time and work. And you already survived my being gone for three years. Four months will pass like a blink of an eye."

The twins huff which makes her laugh. "Fine."

"Oh, are you growing up into brats?" she teases.

"Well, we got Lelouch as an older brother."

"You hurt me, Rolo," Lelouch chimes in with a fake hurt expression on his face. Then the three siblings laugh together making their parents smile fondly.

The oldest one pushes his chair away from the table and excuses himself.

"You're done with dinner already?" the empress inquires.

"I'm still full from the snack I've had while working, Mother. I'll just ask the servant if I ever get hungry later."

"Can you take a break, brother? You've been spending most of your time working and studying lately that you've been missing lots of fun with us. Especially now that Lady C.C. is leaving soon, can you take a mini break and spend more time with us?" And so that Lelouch would surely give in, Nunnally shows him her puppy eyes.

C.C. waits for him to look, no, to even just spare a quick glance at her.

She waits.

Look at me.

He smiles and ruffles Nunnally's hair. "I'll try."

"Promise?"

"I promise." Then looking around he says, "Have a good evening everyone."

And he leaves without glancing at her.

The call finally arrives that morning. The princess can't contain her emotions upon hearing his voice as the prince asks her to meet him halfway in a rented property near the border by afternoon.

Shirley, who had been waiting to hear his voice, suddenly feels restless, nervous and genuinely scared of what could possibly happen. When she thought that she is truly ready for this moment, she has the urge to call Lulu back and reschedule their meeting to a far, far away date. Oh God, her hands are cold and sweaty already.

Poor Kallen had been the receiving end of her nervousness and had been asked a thousand of times if the princess looks nice, if there is a stray powder on her face, does she look like she is going to vomit anytime from now?

You look fine, Your Highness, Kallen had said. Just don't fidget too much and please blink, Your Highness.

They arrive at the meeting place ten minutes before the agreed time and is pleasantly(?) surprised to find the prince already waiting in the living room.

He stands behind a floor-to-ceiling window with his back to her. He wears a long black coat that is almost as black as his raven hair. Shirley smoothens her bright yellow dress which she suddenly finds to cheerful compared to his attire.

She clears her throat. "Lulu?"

Slowly, he turns around to the sound of her voice and oh my, how long had it been since she last saw him? He looks so handsome in his white polo and black coat looking like a vampire prince in a movie. Oh, she had missed him greatly.

"Princess Shirley." He gestures to the sofas. "Let us sit down."

She sits across the prince even though it is quite tempting to settle on the large empty space beside him.

"How are you, Princess?"

Him calling her back with her title does not sit well with Shirley. Plus, his unnecessary formality and politeness when she thought they'd become closer is an unwanted surprise for the lady.

"I'm doing great though there was not so much to do these past few days. And you, Lulu? How have you been?"

What had happened in those days of silence, Lulu? What had happened between you and C.C.?

"On the contrary, I've been busy and got stucked in the office this last week which is also the reason why I wasn't able to answer you immediately. For that, I truly apologize," the prince answers calmly.

Shirley breaths in relief. So that is the reason why it had taken him so long to call her back. He has been busy. Okay, she can accept that.

"I believe you have something you need to tell me?"

Oh, they're not going to indulge into more small talks? Wait, her heart is beating rapidly. Let her gather her thoughts first, Lulu.

"Y-Yes..." she tucks her hair behind her ear, "I asked for this meeting because I'm..." Come on, Shirley, just say it. Stop being a nervous wreck.

All of a sudden, C.C.'s words that night come back to her.

"You need to believe in the power of love."

That's right, she needs to firmly believe in the power of her love for him and the magic it possess. She needs to believe in herself and start proving that she is brave and courageous. She needs to believe in every possibility her confession might open.

Closing her eyes, Shirley takes in a deep calming breath and releases it slowly. When she opens her them, she confesses.

"I, Shirley Joseph Fenette, Princess of the Fenette Kingdom, am confessing to you, Lelouch vi Britannia, First Prince of the Holy Britannian Empire, that I have been inlove with you. I don't know when it started but what I feel for you is genuine and true." The waiting expression and intense focus in his eyes cause her to stammer. "I-I would like t-to convey my feelings clearly and to reach your heart without any confusion. I greatly admire your love for your family and for the country, your brilliance and your sincerity. Your kindness touches my beliefs and inspires me to become a better person. So I... I would also like to thank you for treating me kindly and with respect and I am inlove with you, Lulu."

Her eyes fall on her lap and she can't hear anything except for the loud beating of her heart, she can't feel anything except for her cold and sweaty palms, and she can't see anything except her trembling hands.

Lulu hasn't said a thing.

Oh, her confession must have sounded terrible and immature!

She tries to recall what she had said but for the life of her she cannot remember a single word.

"It is understandable because you will be baring your heart and be vulnerable to him."

Strange how C.C.'s words keep on playing in her head and gives her strength in this situation.

When she hears Lelouch sigh, Shirley braces herself. A sigh is not a good sign.

"Thank you, Princess for telling me your feelings. I deeply appreciate your honesty and courage to bare your heart to someone like me, but..."

No. A 'but' is never a good sign.

Another sigh. "But I'm afraid that I cannot reciprocate your feelings. I am sorry, Shirley."

Shirley closes her eyes, tears threatening to escape them. How, when finally he calls her again with her name, can it be so beautiful and painful at the same time?

She knows anything can happen. She even expects for this to happen. It is actually the outcome which is more likely to happen for the prince had been nothing but friendly to her. She knows that he just treats her as a friend. Never had she felt and seen him express intentions and feelings more than that. But to hear it in words, in his voice that she likes so much - to have her fears confirmed - is like a dull knife slowly slicing her heart open.

"May I know why?"

"Being in a relationship, or even pursuing a relationship is not my priority right now. As I've mentioned, I am busy and I would like to focus on widening my knowledge and skills as of the moment. With that, I cannot wholeheartedly give someone the attention they deserve and that would be unfair to them."

"But," gaining back her courage, the princess looks up, "when the time comes that you think you are ready, will you consider my feelings? Please be honest, Lulu."

Staring at her for exactly ten seconds (yes, Shirley is counting), she waits with bated breath as Lelouch answers her question.

Lelouch looks down.

Shirley wants to cry.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to get your hopes up and waste your precious time on me, Princess. You are a very good friend, but that's where it ends. I am truly sorry."

Oh.

Oh.

She needs to breathe. Shirley, breathe.

Numbly, the princess nods. "I understand... I-I understand... Can I ask one last question?"

"Yes, you can."

"Is it because someone already owns your heart and you are just waiting for her answer?"

This time, she doesn't need to wait long for his answer.

"Yes."

"I see... I see..." Through her impending tears, Shirley looks at her wrist and checks the watch that she doesn't have. "Oh, I just remembered I've got somewhere else to go." She stands so abruptly and shakily smooths her skirt that is so bright, so cheerfully yellow for her heartbreak.

"Shirley..."

Suddenly, a hand lays on her head and gently guides it to a sturdy chest.

"I'm really sorry," Lelouch whispers in her hair.

And upon hearing his soft, regretful, and apologetic voice, Shirley cries.

She couldn't get herself to ask how his currently relationship with C.C. is - if they had already talked and settled the issue - God, if there is even an issue to start with. She couldn't because just saying her name would kill her.

They stay like that for a while, standing in the middle of the living room with Lelouch's arms finally around her but for all the wrong reasons, until her sobs weaken and they are just small hiccups.

"I ruined your clothes," she says as she pulls away.

"It's fine. Are you okay?"

The worried look in his amethyst eyes makes her feel light. "I think I'm not going to be alright for a few days but I'll live. Give me some months," she laughs.

"You're a good person, Shirley. I mean that. I'm hoping that you'll find someone who deserves you."

"Thank you, Lulu. I can still call you that, right?"

He nods. "Of course."

"Well then, I guess my business here is done. I'll see you around. Take..." she breathes and savors the last moments she has with him – staring at his lovely features and basking in his presence. "Take care."

She is about to turn around when his hand holds her wrist. Her heart skips a beat. Oh, did he change his mind? A girl could only dream.

"Can I give you a friendly advice, Princess?"

Shirley nods.

"Don't believe in all the things that you hear especially if they are from someone who you just met. Try to validate the story first with the people involved to avoid misunderstandings and unpleasant incidents. This is for your safety, too."

And after that, he disappears infront of her like a smoke, like a dream. Like a vampire prince that suddenly turns into a bat and quickly flies out of the window.

And Shirley is left speechless.

When C.C. told Lelouch that she couldn't be with a man who is inconsiderate with other people's feelings and who lets himself be overcome by his darkest side, she already expected for their relationship to drastically change. After everything that had happened, they cannot simply fall back to how they were before the incident. There had been so many emotions that affected and blinded their judgments, and caused them to believe that things were done in the name of justice. But he is still her best friend. God, he is still her most special friend, her special person after all this time and it's been an unbearable week when he wouldn't even spare a brief glance at her.

Because what she didn't expect was how far away they would be from each other even though they live in the same place. When he is just within reach yet she feels like she is reaching to a void.

She misses him so badly.

"Rolo, where is your brother?" she asks while helping him do his History homework. They are lying on their stomachs on Rolo's bed.

Without looking up, the young prince chews on top of his pen before answering her question. "I heard from Suzaku that they will meet Princess Shirley earlier. In fact," he glances at his watch, "I bet they are on their way back here."

"They were meeting the princess? Why?"

Rolo shrugs. "He didn't mention the reason but it seemed quite serious. Lady C.C. did I do the timeline right?"

C.C. checks the neat timeline that the prince made and praises how detailed and accurate the entries are, all the while worrying about the prince and princess's meeting.

There's only one reason she can think why he would meet her and she is already dreading what could have happened.

Suddenly, there are knocks on the door.

"Who is it?" Rolo calls.

"It's me."

"Oh, come in, Lelouch!"

There is a slight surprise in his amethyst eyes as they accidentally land on her – slight but quick to recover and divert their attention to his brother.

"Suzaku told me that you were looking for me a while ago."

"Oh yeah. I was going to ask for help for my assignment but you were leaving so I just asked Lady C.C. instead."

"I see. Is everything okay?"

The boy nods, ignorant of the heavy atmosphere in the air. "Yup. I'm actually done."

"Well then, I'll just be in my office if you need more help."

"Got it."

As soon as Lelouch leaves, Rolo turns to her. "He's going to lock himself in the office again. Nunnally and I had been wondering what is suddenly so important that keeps him from spending his time with us. I mean, he was able to manage his time before. Can you talk to him, Lady C.C.? I'm sure he is going to listen to you."

"I'll try but I think it is best not to pressure him on how he should manage his time. I'm certain that he has a good reason."

"We just miss him."

She misses him, too.

"Rolo, is it okay if I go outside for a while? I'll be back quickly."

"Sure. Thank you for the help, Lady C.C."

By the time she finds him, he is going down the second grand staircase of the palace. She calls him once from the top of the stairs but he doesn't stop descending.

Didn't he hear her?

"Lelouch!"

Thankfully, this time he halts on his step and turns his body towards her. His eyes though, are looking everywhere but her.

"Yes, C.C.?"

"I… heard that you met with Princess Shirley. Where is she now? Is she okay?"

Please, let her be alright.

Lelouch furrows his eyebrows. "'Okay' in terms of what?"

"Emotionally? Physically?"

"Emotionally, I can't assure you that she is okay after I rejected her feelings. But physically, I am certain that no scrap of wound had touched her skin."

"O-Oh… She just confessed?" she dumbly utters. "You didn't tell her the truth?"

She vaguely remembers the princess mentioning about confessing her feelings to the prince before.

"Yes, C.C. She just confessed to me. I… I don't see the point of telling her the details and hurt her more. After all, she was unaware of everything Mao had planned and thought she was doing it for good reasons. Why? What else do you think happened?"

And finally, those amethyst eyes look straight at her golden ones, but all she wants to do now is to look away. For the hurt and defeat that they mirror are so deeply-rooted to his soul.

Because what else did she think would happen during their meeting? Images of a badly-beaten Mao lying on the hospital bed immediately enter her mind but his face is replaced by the princess's innocent one.

The prince nods when she remained silent. "I think I have an idea." Sighing, he covers his face with his hands and takes a deep breath before removing them. "No, I didn't hurt her. I…" He looks at her with shining eyes. "Did you really think that I can do that to her, C.C.?" he whispers.

She quickly shakes her head. "No… no…." But they both know that she is lying. How… How did they become like this? How can she easily think badly of him just because of a single inhumane act he just did for the first time? Where did her trust in him go?

She hears him sigh in resignation. "I understand. Don't think too much about it. I'll see you around."

He had already turned his back when she shouts at him, "How can you do that when you won't even look at me?" She holds onto the banister to steady herself, her voice breaking. "Why won't you look at me, Lelouch? I – "

He answers without looking back. "Because I don't deserve to."

Huh?

He shakes his head, his voice sounding dazed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll just be around."

She is too surprised by his answer that she isn't able to stop him once he resumes going down the stairs rather too quickly.

All this time he doesn't dare to look at her because he thinks that he doesn't deserve her?

C.C. touches her chest and tries to steady her wild heart. Oh boy, oh boy.

Good Lord, this boy is going to be her undoing.

She surrenders, suddenly tired, her legs giving in, and sits on the top step.

And she prays for their pain to go away.