Disclaimers: Nope, still not mine. I own nothing.
Summary: Continuation for Chapter 7. What happens during Castle's hospitalization and the three days that Kate takes care of Castle in New York after the poisoning? Will Kate fall down the rabbit hole again?
A/N #1: The song I'm using in this chapter is called 'If Not for You,' written by Bob Dylan and sung by Olivia Newton-John. It was her first Top 40 hit in 1971. I was torn between this song and another one, but after listening to the words, I think this one fits the chapter better.
A/N #2: Everybody seems troubled by the fact that Kate was so stoic in 'Dreamworld.' I think that it took every ounce of strength that she had not to fall apart. I wrote a bit about that at the end of Chapter 7. In this chapter, I'm hopefully going to let her get it all out about how scared she was.
Chapter 14: If Not for You
If not for you, babe, I couldn't even find the door
I couldn't even see the floor
I'd be sad and blue, if not for you
'Breathe,' Agent Kate Beckett kept telling herself as she watched her fiancé as he slept restlessly. His skin was still so pale, but at least he was no longer that awful bluish gray color that he'd been when she'd found him on the ground just hours earlier.
Martha, Alexis, and Pi had left to go get something to eat. Castle had been awake earlier chatting with them, but they saw how easily he tired, so they'd reluctantly excused themselves. She looked up as the door opened and the doctor entered the room. "Still here, Agent Beckett? I thought that you'd go with Mr. Castle's family to get something to eat."
"I wasn't hungry. How is he?"
"His vital signs are slowly improving. If he has a good night, I'll probably release him in the morning. He should stay in D.C. for a day or two, but then I see no reason for him not to return to New York, provided he sees his own doctor."
"I'm going to go back to New York with him for a few days. Is there anything that I should be looking for?"
"He's going to be easily fatigued," the doctor looked at her. "That will probably last several weeks. He may have periods of rapid heartbeat for a few days. He's going to be fine, Agent Beckett. Although if he hadn't received the antidote when he had—"
"Thank you, doctor," Kate quickly thanked him as he turned and left the room.
"Harbinger of doom," she heard a mumble from Castle's bed. She found him looking at her with a small smile playing on his lips. "You should go home and get some sleep."
"I will. Lanie's flying in later this evening. Do you want to fly back to New York or do you want me to drive you? Flying takes less time, but you won't be able to move around. If we drive back, I can stop the car and you can walk around and stretch if you need to."
"How long can you stay?"
"Rachel told me that Villante and the AG have given me three days off. Then I have to come back to work," she looked down at her folded hands on the edge of his bed. "I don't want to leave you alone, Castle. It wasn't supposed to be this fucking hard."
"What? The job or us?" He whispered.
"Either. Both. I don't know," she sighed.
"I believe that you told me once that things have never been easy when it comes to us. But, I remember telling you that that's what makes it all worthwhile. We're going to figure this out, Kate," he reached his hand out and covered hers. "Let's fly back. Where are my mother and Alexis?"
"They went to get something to eat. They should be back soon."
"When they get here, I want you to go get something to eat. Take a walk; get some air."
"Castle—"
"Kate, I don't need you to sit here to hold my hand. Besides, I want to talk to mother and Alexis."
"Okay. Lanie's going to be here soon, anyway."
Martha, Alexis, and Pi walked into the room 45 minutes later, so Kate excused herself after kissing Castle. Dinner consisted of a bag of plain M&M's and a cup of coffee. However, she did take Castle's advice about taking a walk. She went outside and walked around the hospital grounds, her hands in her pockets, her thoughts jumbled. She had been so scared earlier. She'd been scared every second for almost the past 24 hours. She kept thinking of how scared Castle had looked every time she'd seen him at headquarters. All she had wanted to do was grab his hand and run away with him. To take him back to her condo and just hold him, or having him hold her.
Being in his arms had been her safe place for the past year. Once she'd explained all about her problems with PTSD, he had been there to pull her back from the edge of the abyss so many times. Now it was her turn to take care of him. It was her turn to pull him back. She walked back into the hospital where Rachel was waiting for her. They were talking when Lanie got there. "Hey, girl," Lanie hugged Kate tightly. "How is he?"
"He's going to be okay. The doctor said he should be released in the morning. Thank you for coming."
***CCC***
If not for you, babe, the night would see me wide awake
The day would surely have to break
It would not be new, if not for you
If not for you, my sky would fall
Rain would gather, too
Without your love, I'd be nowhere at all
I'd be lost, if not for you
After staying at Kate's condo for two days, they decided to fly back to New York. They were sitting, waiting to board an American Airlines flight. Kate couldn't help but notice how tired Castle still seemed. His first day home at her condo had been spent sleeping. The day before he had managed to get out of bed for part of the day, but they'd both fallen into bed early the night before. "I'm going to get some coffee. Do you want some?" She asked.
"No," he smiled at her. "Why don't you sit here and I'll get your coffee?"
"Castle, you always get me coffee."
"Because I like to see you smile," he kissed her forehead. "I haven't seen you smile in days."
"Okay," she bit her lip, giving him a small smile.
"I'll be right back."
Strolling to the nearby Starbucks, Castle couldn't help but worry about Kate. He'd tried to talk to her about what had happened a few days before, but every time he brought it up, she was quick to change the subject. When she thought that he wasn't watching her, he'd see that haunted look in her eyes. The look that had often been in her eyes after her shooting. The look that told him the truth about how terrified she'd been during that awful day. He wanted to take her home and hold her, let her cry out her fears and frustration. He wanted to tell her that he was going to be fine; that he was never going to do anything this stupid ever again.
He bought and paid for her coffee before walking back over to her. She smiled, taking the cardboard cup from his hand. "Thank you, Castle," he sat down and took her hand in his, squeezing it gently. "Are you sure you're okay to fly?"
"Kate, I think I can handle sitting in first class for 45 minutes as opposed to a five-hour car ride. The doctors gave me a clean bill of health. They even told me that if I eat reasonably well, the fatigue will let up faster."
"That's good," she kissed him softly.
"Do you want to talk about what has you so scared?"
"Not now, Castle," she shook her head.
Castle realized that was progress. The old Kate would've denied that anything had her scared. Since their engagement, they'd both been much more open with each other. He knew how hard she was trying to stop running and hiding. And he was making the effort to let her know just what she meant to him. There was no more taking her for granted.
He was about to say something more when their flight was called. He stood up and took her hand, leading her to the boarding gate. When she sat down in her window seat, she remembered the first time she'd flown first class with Castle. She remembered reading the letter from Royce on the plane when they were coming back. She still had that letter tucked away in her jewelry box. "What're you thinking about?" He sat down next to her.
"Remind me to show you something when we get back home."
"I love it when you refer to the loft as home."
"That's because it's where you are and you are my home."
***CCC***
If not for you, the winter would hold no spring
Couldn't hear a robin sing
I just wouldn't have a clue, if not for you
Castle had warned Kate about how crowded the loft was with the addition of Pi, but she'd laughed it off. After all, Pi was just one extra person. She'd stayed there plenty of times after they'd started sleeping together, and the loft hadn't felt crowded then. But once inside, she realized that she'd been wrong to laugh about Castle's concerns. She was sure that Alexis' boyfriend was really a very nice young man. He just seemed to have a problem understanding boundaries and his new-age remedies and advice seemed to grate on Rick's nerves.
It didn't take a rocket scientist for Martha, Alexis, and Pi to see that Kate and Rick really wanted to be alone. So after dinner, the three of them announced that they had plans for the evening. Castle rested against the back of the sofa with Kate in the 'v' of his legs. She loved being in the loft with him, just the two of them relaxing over glasses of wine. It was warm, safe, and home.
Castle caressed her shoulders, feeling her relax further as she almost melted into him. He took her left hand, his fingers gently caressing her ring finger, tracing the diamonds in her engagement ring, proud and happy to see the sign of her commitment to him displayed so prominently. When she was on the job, his ring hung next to her mom's on the chain around her neck. But that made him happy, too, to know that she loved him enough to allow the ring to hang beside her mother's. "You said on the plane that you had something that you wanted to show me," he reminded her.
"Oh, I almost forgot," she got up from the sofa. "I'll be right back." She came back a minute later with a folded up sheet of paper in her hands. "This is the letter that Royce left me before he died. I want you to read it."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure."
He took the paper from Kate and began to read, smiling at the words. "Can I ask you a question?" He handed her the paper after he'd finished reading. "Did you come out of your room that night in L.A.? I thought that I heard your door open after I went to my room."
"I don't know what happened that night, Castle. I went to my room and the only thing that I could think about was how badly I wanted you. I don't know if it was because I'd been talking about Royce and I wanted to be comforted, or if it was something else. I fought it for several minutes, and then I decided to go to you, but when I came out of my room, your door was shutting."
"Why didn't you come to me?"
"I was scared," she admitted. "I was with Josh and I didn't want to cheat on him. There were so many reasons why I didn't come to you."
"Well, we sure as hell weren't fooling anybody."
"No, we weren't," she smiled a tentative smile.
"Kate, sit down," he patted the space where she'd been sitting moment earlier. "Talk to me. Are you angry because I poked my nose into your case?"
"I should be, but I'm not. You were so alone, Castle, and there wasn't anything that I could do. Every time I left the building with Rachel, I was afraid that I was going to come back and find out that you were worse. Then, when we were in the car going to the Reeds' house," she took a deep breath, "and I saw you struggling to stay with me—"
"Kate—"
"I just wanted to take you home, Castle," her voice was barely above a whisper. "I just wanted to take you home, away from the feds, away from the danger, away from the fact that you were dying and there was nothing that I could do to stop it."
Her voice broke as she began sobbing. Castle sat up and pulled her into his arms. She tightened her arms around his waist, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt in her hands. He rubbed her back as she cried, her body shaking. "Kate, I'm so, so sorry," he crooned as he continued rubbing her back. "I shouldn't have stuck my nose into your case. I broke my promise to you."
"What promise?" She pulled back from him.
"When I told you that I'd respect your job. I got you in trouble with your bosses and it's not like it was when you'd get in trouble with Gates or the Chief of D's. This time your boss is the Federal government."
"Castle, its okay," she cupped his face in her palms. "I mean, they might not be as understanding as Gates, but I'm not going to worry about that. If they fire me, they fire me."
"Do you hate it that much?"
"I don't hate it. I'm just having trouble finding my niche. I miss having my partner with me."
"I miss my partner, too," he pulled her against his chest once again, feeling her wrap her arms around his waist, her chin resting on his chest.
Kate sighed as she nestled against him. Castle always gave the best hugs. His body was so broad and solid, perfect for losing herself in. He always made her feel so safe when he held her close to him, his heartbeat thudding rhythmically under her ear. "Before you came along, I was so lost, Castle. After my mom was killed, I forgot how to be happy. I always felt like I was just going through the motions of living. You taught me how to live again. You taught me what it's like to be a part of a family. But, most of all, you taught me what it's like to love so completely that it makes my heart ache."
"I don't think that I taught you any of that, Kate. I think that it was inside you all along, you just needed to remember how to do it."
"I love you so, so much, Rick. I don't want these three days to end. I don't want to go back to D.C. and leave you again."
"Shh," he shushed her.
"Can we just stay like this for the rest of the evening?"
"Well, we could until one of us had to go to the bathroom or we got hungry. Or until Alexis and Pi got home and Pi wanted to go to bed."
"Oh, so he's not sleeping—" she sat back to look at Castle, who had a look of horror on his face.
"Not only no, but hell no. Although I think the sleeping arrangement was slightly different while I was gone on my book tour."
Looking into his deep blue eyes, Kate had sudden flashes of him lying on the green grass of the Reeds' home. Her heart began to pound and her breathing sped up. She closed her eyes to try to cope with the feelings of panic, but none of her calming mechanisms were working.
Castle could see her flashing back, much as she still did sometimes because of the shooting. She had instructed him as to what to do and so had Dr. Burke when she had the attacks. "Kate?" He called her name softly, his heart breaking at the sight of her fighting the feelings of panic that had to be racing through her. "Kate?" He said her name again. "Come on, come back to me. I'm okay. Breathe. You're doing great. Take some deep breaths. Think of something else."
"I can't," her voice came out on a broken whimper.
"Remember our first walk on the beach in the Hamptons? The sand was so white, and all you could see for miles was the Atlantic. The sky was so blue that day. You even told me that you'd never seen the sky that blue. Do you remember?"
Finally, the constricting feeling in her chest began to ease and she could breathe once again. She slowly opened her eyes to find Castle watching her. "I'm supposed to be taking care of you, Castle. You're the one who almost died."
"Kate, this affected both of us. I saw it in your eyes every time you looked at me that day. The fear that you were going to lose me. Let's take care of each other. Okay?"
"Okay."
***CCC***
If not for you, my sky would fall
Rain would gather, too
Without your love, I'd be nowhere at all
I'd be lost, if not for you
If not for you, the winter would hold no spring
Couldn't hear a robin sing
I just wouldn't have a clue, if not for you
By the time she had to go back to D.C. three days later, Kate knew that Castle was once again going to be okay. The last two days he'd been his usual joking self, making her and the other occupants of the loft laugh. "I'll try to get a weekend off soon so that I can either fly back here or you can come up to D.C. I'm going to miss you," she kissed him, not wanting to tear herself away from him.
"I'm going to miss you, too. But, I'll talk to you every night and I'll text you 700 times a day," he teased.
She had no doubt that much was true. They both made faces when the final call for her flight was called. "I'll call you when I get back to my condo," she hated referring to it as home because in her mind, it wasn't. Not without Castle.
"Okay. I love you," he kissed her once again. "You'd better go or you're going to miss your plane."
"I know," she picked up her carry-on. "I love you, Castle."
He watched her walk away, his heart longing to follow her. She was right. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. They needed to work something out so that they could be together all of the time. He decided to go home and call real estate agents in the D.C. area. He needed to be with Kate and it was obvious by the number of panic attacks and flashbacks she had gone through in the last three days that Kate also needed to be with him.
Kate turned before she entered the gangway that led to the plane. Her eyes met Castle's as she gave him a bright smile and raised her arm, waving at him. He smiled and waved back before blowing her a kiss, which she made a sign of catching and placing all over her face.
After she stowed her carry-on and took her seat, Kate wiped at the tears on her face. She knew that there was no guarantee when she'd get to see Castle again. It could be this next weekend or it could be three or four weeks. She twisted the ring on her finger, asking herself for the 100th time if maybe she'd made an awful mistake. Her job might be in D.C., but her mind and her heart were in New York City with Castle. She knew that he was a short plane ride away if she needed him, but she really needed him with her all of the time. They had to come up with a better plan for this to work.
A/N #3: I had trouble ending this one. So, I thought that was as good a place as any.
A/N #4: Next week, my updates will be sporadic after Wednesday. I'm going out of town for the Thanksgiving holiday (Yay!) and while I will be taking my laptop, I don't know how often I'll actually be on the Internet.
A/N #5: Finally, a shout out to all of my reviewers. Thank you so much for the suggestions and the great words.
I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.