Disclaimer: see my profile

How Revelations Should Have Ended

Everything seemed to exist in shades of blue and black that night. Light from the open doorway at his back, filtered into his room and left shadows on the floor and walls when someone passed by. He lay on his left side and watched the monitors hooked up to his torso and arms beat the steady rhythm of his heart.

He shifted a bit and closed his eyes. If only he could sleep instead of thinking about the burning, aching need that was beginning to eclipse everything. They said it would be okay, that he'd be okay, but he wondered. He drew in a deep breath and tried to make his mind stop thinking about those last moments in the cemetery when all hope was lost and he knew he was going to die.

Someone entered the room on quiet feet, but he didn't respond to them. If it was a nurse, she'd do her thing and leave. If it were a doctor, he'd pretend that he was okay, that the drug withdrawal he was beginning to feel wasn't as bad as it felt. If it were someone on the team, he'd just make them believe he slept.

"Spence," said a soft voice he fantasized about in all his loneliest moments.

He clutched at the blue blanket that covered the hospital gown he wore and refused to turn over. He kept his eyes tightly closed and pleaded for her to leave.

"I'm so sorry," she said.

He wondered why she kept saying that. It didn't matter anyway. What's done is done and it was his fault that they separated. If he could go back…

"I just wanted you to know I'm here. I care about you, Spence."

He wanted to turn over and tell her to get out. Why couldn't she just leave? He wanted to be alone, to think, and to wonder how he was going to get through life.

"I don't know if you're awake." She whispered.

She was very close now and her perfume reminded him of roses long pressed between the pages of a book. "If you are and you don't want to talk, that's okay. I have something I want to tell you. It's something that I've wanted to say for a couple of months."

He opened his eyes to stare at the wall and he could see her shadow behind him. He slowly turned over and met her eyes.

"JJ," he croaked.

"Spence, I didn't mean to wake you."

"What do you want?"

She flinched a little at his tone. "I just wanted to tell you I really do care about you and I'm here for you."

He couldn't think of anything to say. He just stared at her. She finally dropped her eyes. She reached out and smoothed his hair with one warm hand.

"If you want to talk…"

"I really am tired."

He smiled for her because her blue eyes captured him just like every time she looked at him.

She leaned in and kissed his forehead. "I'm so glad you're still here."

"JJ."

"Yeah."

He opened his mouth to tell hear about the bottle of Dilaudid in his pants pocket that he'd managed to keep hidden from the doctors. He wanted to tell her about it, and tell her to get rid of it.

"Thank you," he said instead. "I'm glad you came."

"I hope we get to talk when you're feeling better."

His heart beat a little faster at her words. "Yeah, I'd like that."

She left him lying there in the half-light of the partially open door to his room. He sat up, slid to the edge of his bed, and pulled a plastic bag toward his lap. He dug through it and fished the bottle out of his pants pocket.

"You can't," he whispered.

Yes, he could and that was what scared him the most. He put the bottle back in the bag and returned it to the chair near his bed. He pushed the call button for the nurse. Perhaps JJ was still in the building. She said she wanted to help him. She said she cared for him.

"I need you," he whispered to the darkness.

A voice asked him what he needed. He asked them to page JJ. She'd understand and she'd help him because he was standing on the edge of a great chasm and without her help, he'd tumble in forever.