Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
I woke up slowly, hearing the birds chip through the open window. I felt peaceful. I stretched, feeling my muscles strain after being still all night. Pony stirred next to me, beginning to wake up too. I sat up sleepily and rubbed my head, jerking awake instantly when I felt bare skin touch my hand. I'd forgotten overnight what had happened yesterday. I looked down at Ponyboy, who still had a few clips in his hair. I'd made him keep them in the whole night. He'd grumbled about it, but he'd let me have my way. Now with the morning the shock of yesterday came back to me full force. Pony opened his eyes and I quickly pretended everything was okay. I wasn't gonna let everyone know how upset I still was, not after everything they'd done for me yesterday. "Morning, Soda."
"Hey kiddo," I said, ruffling his hair, accidently pulling out a loose bow.
He sat up and made a face at the bow in my hand. "Can I take this stuff out now, Soda? It's gettin' real uncomfortable."
I laughed lightly. He was a good sport to have kept them in as long as he had. "Yeah, sure." He sighed in relief and I watched as he quickly pulled everything out of his hair. I could smell breakfast cooking and felt my stomach rumble. I still wasn't eating much and it was nice to actually feel hungry for a change. Dr. Sheldon had told me that my lack of appetite was mostly because of the leukemia itself; the chemo made it worse, but I wasn't going be very hungry even on my weeks off the treatment.
After I'd used the bathroom, avoiding looking in the mirror the whole time, I made my way to the kitchen, drawn by the aroma of bacon. "Mornin' Dare," I said, dropping into the nearest chair. "Smells good."
"It'll be ready in a couple minutes," he responded, glancing at me. "You hungry this morning?"
"Yeah." I smiled, looking forward to actually enjoying a meal for a change. I'd been forcing myself to eat the last few weeks, even for a while before we found out I was sick. Darry nodded approvingly at the return of my appetite. Maybe it was a good sign. Pony joined us just as Darry was putting the food on the plates. We kept the conversation light while we ate; Pony told us how he thought his exams went. He was getting his report card next week and I was hoping Darry would cut him some slack if his grades weren't the best. He'd had a tough year. He'd managed to catch up after missing so much school in the fall, but I wasn't sure how well he'd been concentrating the past couple weeks.
Steve and Two-Bit showed up after breakfast, wanting to get me out of the house. "C'mom, Soda. Ya need to get out and do somethin'," Steve insisted, trying to convince me.
I'd still been pretty tired during the week, so I'd mostly hung around home and I had to admit I was itching to get out of the house. I was still feeling really funny about my hair, though, and I wasn't too anxious to show off my new look. "How 'bout the movies?" Two-Bit suggested. I thought about that. I didn't usually like the movies that much, but at least it was dark there. I could get out of the house without people really seeing me that much.
"Okay," I agreed. The guys started looking through the paper to see what was playing while I moved over to the couch. I didn't really care what we saw; the movie itself wasn't the main attraction for me.
While they were discussing the plans for the day, the phone rang. Darry was closest and moved to pick it up. "Hello?" he answered. He was too far away for me to hear the voice on the other end. "Hi, Dr. Sheldon." That got everyone's attention real fast. We all watched Darry as he listened, occasionally making a comment or asking a question. He kept his face blank, though. When he'd hung up, he came over to join me on the couch. I waited anxiously, not really sure if I wanted to know what he was going to tell me. "There's good news and bad news," he said, keeping his voice steady. I nodded, my mind racing. "The good news is that your white blood cell count is down some. That means the chemo is working." I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. It was a huge relief to know that I hadn't gone through all of that for nothing. It was an even bigger relief that there was some sort of hope of beating this thing. I glanced at the guys, who were still sitting at the kitchen table, and saw the same relief on all their faces. Ponyboy had a huge smile on his face.
"What's the bad news?" I asked, turning back to Darry. The good news was so good I didn't know what the bad part could possibly be.
I could see the hesitation in Darry's eyes and I started to get nervous. I suddenly knew I wasn't gonna like this. "Your blood test showed a lower white blood cell count but when Dr. Sheldon tested the fluid in your spine, the results came back the same as last time. The treatment isn't getting into that part of your body."
I was confused. How could part of me be getting better and part of me not be? And what were they going to do now to fix it? I shook my head, trying to clear it. "I don't understand," I said. "How is that possible?"
"He said there's something that blocks the drugs from getting into your spinal fluid. I'm not sure how it all works."
I nodded, not completely understanding, but not really wanting more details. "Now what?" I asked in a small voice, looking down at my hands. If they couldn't get the drugs into my whole body, how was I supposed to get better?
Darry sighed. "They're gonna have to put the chemo directly into your spine, Soda."
I looked up, startled. That couldn't mean what I thought it meant. I was not gonna have a lumber puncture every day. I shook my head, refusing to believe it. "No. Dare, tell me there's something else they can do, some other way they can get the drugs to work."
He shook his head sadly and took my hand in his. "I'm sorry, little buddy," he said regretfully. "I wish I could tell you that. Try and remember that at least the chemo is working so far. That's really good news."
Pony came over and sat on the arm of the couch, putting an arm around my shoulders. I shrugged it off, suddenly feeling suffocated. I saw the hurt look on his face but I just couldn't deal with everyone right then. "Sorry, Pone," I said. "I just—I need some air." I stood up and quickly moved to the front door, hoping everyone would just give me some space. I sat down outside on the front steps and put my head on my knees. I was so happy a few minutes ago. I'd been terrified the tests would show that the treatment wasn't doing anything and I'd been ecstatic to hear that I was wrong. But what was going to happen now…I didn't know if I could handle it. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn't help it, just like people who are afraid of spiders can't help it. That's why they call it an irrational fear. I didn't feel like mine was so irrational, though. Those needles fucking hurt and I don't think anyone would be too thrilled to hear they were going to be getting them daily.
This was all just too much—first the chemo, then my hair, and now this. I heard the front door open quietly. I sensed someone sit down next to me, then felt Darry's strong arm around my shoulder. I didn't feel so trapped now that I was outside and I leaned into him, needing the comfort. I really felt bad about brushing Pony off, now. "You can do this, Soda," Darry whispered. "I know you can. You're strong, and brave, and you're not going to let a few needles stop you from fighting this. We're winning now, and we're going to keep going till this thing is pounded into the ground."
I knew he was right, but that didn't make it any easier. "I wish mom and dad were here," I whispered. I felt Darry tense up and I immediately regretted my words. I pulled back and met his eyes. They would be impassive to anyone who didn't know him, but I could see the hurt and sadness in them. "I'm sorry, Dare. It just slipped out. It's not that I'm not grateful for everything you're doing. You've been fantastic. I couldn't ask for a better big brother, especially now. It's just…I miss them."
"I know, Pepsi-Cola," he said softly. "And don't ever feel like you can't say that to me. I miss them, too. It's never going to be alright that they're gone." He pulled me close to him again and I let him hold me. After a few more minutes I heard the door open again and felt someone sit on my other side. Pony tentatively took my hand, unsure of how I'd react this time. I squeezed his hand to let him know it was okay, and then felt his head rest on my shoulder. I don't know how long we sat like that, taking comfort in each other's presence, but after a while I remembered that Steve and Two-Bit were still in the house. I stood up and together we went back inside.
When we got back in the house our friends were waiting patiently on the couch. They knew we needed some space to deal with this on our own and I was grateful for it. I needed their support, but too many people all at once wasn't always a good thing. "You still up for goin' to the movies, or do ya want to stay home?" Steve asked as I returned to my spot on the couch.
I wasn't really feeling up to much anymore. The thought of what Monday would bring had kinda brought me down. "It might do ya some good." Two-Bit suggested.
I knew he was right; it would be nice to get out and do something while I still had the energy for it. I knew I'd be stuck at home for the next couple of weeks. Plus, watching a movie would give me a good excuse not to talk to anyone. "Yeah, okay," I agreed. "What did you guys decide on?"
"You sure, Soda?" Pony asked. "We don't have to go if you don't want to."
I smiled at him. It was sweet that he was watching out for me, even if he was younger. "Its fine Pone," I assured him. "I want to go. Really."
As we got ready to head out, Darry left to go to work. The guys goofed off all the way to the movie theatre, tackling each other and whistling at girls we passed. Well, Pony didn't do that. He got real embarrassed every time Steve and Two-Bit cat called a girl. I laughed to myself thinking about how shy he was around girls. I hoped I'd get to see him grow out of that. When we got to the theatre I didn't pay any attention to the movie; they never held my interest anyway. My mind wandered through everything that had happened in the past few weeks and I kept wondering what the coming weeks would bring. When the movie ended, I realized I had no idea what we'd even seen. I didn't want the guys to know their distraction hadn't worked, though, so I laughed with them as they talked about their favourite parts. "You guys wanna stop at the Tasty Freeze?" Steve asked as we passed it, glancing at me and Pony. He knew we didn't have a lot of money right now.
I still didn't have much energy and I was tired after walking so far. A couple drinks wouldn't break the bank. "Yeah, you guys go in and get somethin'. I'll wait here," I said, parking myself on a bench outside the store. While I waited, I watched the people passing in the street, feeling jealous of them going about their everyday lives. When the guys came back out, Pony handed me a Coke. I took it gratefully, suddenly feeling real thirsty.
While the rest of us relaxed, Two-Bit saw a blonde across the parking lot and sauntered over to chat her up. We watched, amused, as she rolled her eyes at his lines and turned to walk away. He came back over to us, shaking his head. "Some girls just can't appreciate a good compliment."
"Yeah, I'm sure that's it," Steve joked. He stood up and slapped Two-Bit on the back. "Face it, man. She just wasn't into ya."
"You're just jealous cause she didn't pay any attention to you."
"She woulda been plenty into me if I'd talked to her. Some of us have girlfriends, though." Steve ducked out of the way of Two-Bit's punch and I laughed as the two of them tried to pin each other down. It was hard to get bored with guys like them around. When Steve had won and wrestled Two-Bit to the ground, we all got up and started heading home.
We walked slow, not in any particular hurry. When we got to the house, everyone started to walk up the path, but I stopped on the sidewalk. Pony turned to me, giving me a questioning look. "You comin', Sodapop?"
I hesitated. I didn't feel like being stuck in the house with the gang right then. They'd been good company all day, but suddenly I was in the mood to be alone. "I think I'm gonna keep walking a while."
"You sure you're up to it? You're lookin' kinda tired."
I sighed. I was like starting to feel like I had two older brothers instead of just one. "I'm fine, Pone. I won't be long." The truth was, I was feeling pretty tired, but I figured if I went slow it might not seem like as much work. I turned away from the house and started to wander. I didn't really have any particular place in mind and just let my feet carry me. I got lost in my thoughts again and didn't notice where I was going. After a while I found I'd arrived at a place I hadn't expected. It seemed like a good place to be right then, though. I sat down and drew my knees up to my chin, finding comfort and peace in my surroundings.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
I got home from work tired and frustrated. I'd gone to the warehouse again only to find the place still flooded and closed to workers. Unloading and organizing boxes hadn't really been top on my list of things I wanted to do that night, but I was annoyed I was going to lose another night's pay. I'd spent most of the day thinking about Soda. I'd felt awful giving him the second piece of news. No one deserved to go through this, least of all him. I would've taken his place in a second if I could've. Pony had looked so dejected when Soda had brushed him off. The two of them were so close and it was unusual for Soda to do anything to hurt him, even unintentionally. Steve had tried to offer us some comfort by reminding us that at least the treatment was working. We were all incredibly thankful for that bit of news. I'd been trying to keep my hopes up through all of this, but now I had real reason to believe that Soda might get better. I just wish he wasn't going to have to go through so much pain first.
When I went into the house, I found Ponyboy, Steve, and Two-Bit on the couch watching TV. They all looked up when they heard the door open and I saw Pony frown a little at my presence; he knew what my early arrival meant. "Is Soda sleeping?" I asked, wanting to avoid comments about my work schedule. I was already annoyed and didn't want to dwell on it anymore.
"No, he went for a walk," Two-Bit answered.
Pony looked at the clock on the wall. "That was over an hour ago. He should be back by now." I could hear the concern in his voice and grew a bit worried myself. Normally Soda could take care of himself just fine, but he wasn't in the best of shape right then and I wasn't sure if the Socs would jump him, even if he was sick. "Should we go look for him, Dare?" Pony asked.
"Yeah, just to be on the safe side. Steve, can you and Two-Bit stay here in case he calls or comes back?"
"Of course," Steve answered. "I'm sure he's fine. He probably just lost track of time."
I nodded. I was sure he was right, but I didn't want to take any chances. "C'mon Pone." I picked my keys up and headed back out to the truck. As we drove through our neighborhood we both kept our eyes peeled for signs of our brother. The further away from our house we drove the more worried I got. The last thing we needed was for him to get hurt or sick. I was just thinking about doing another sweep around the neighborhood when it hit me. "I know where he is," I said confidently, turning the car around and earning a confused look from Pony.
"What? How do you know?"
"It's something he said earlier." I didn't bother to explain further. As soon as we got close Pony seemed to realize where I was headed. I pulled into the cemetery and slowly drove through the narrow lanes. When we got to our parents' gravesite we saw Soda quietly sitting next to their headstones. He didn't look up when we got out of the car, but he knew we were there.
"Hi," he said softly as we sat down beside him. "How'd you find me?"
"This morning—you said you missed them," I reminded him. None of us spoke after that. We sat quietly for a long time, each lost in our own thoughts and memories until eventually Soda got up and headed for the truck, silently telling us he was ready to go home.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
Hope you enjoyed. I want to say in my defense, I didn't plan for Soda's treatment to progress like that. It wasn't till it was too late that I realized it was the most likely thing to happen, at least as far as I can tell.