Derek sighs, clearly frustrated, as he runs his hand through his hair while he follows Meredith out of Addison's office. He just...he doesn't know what else to do. He just...damn it...he is just so damn frustrated. She is so frustrating. She is so frustrating and he doesn't want to push her. He doesn't want to push her because he knows. He knows that she doesn't need the extra stress. Not right now. Not when she is carrying their children. She doesn't need it. She doesn't need the extra stress so he is trying his hardest to keep his frustrations to himself. But sometimes, sometimes it is too hard. Too hard to keep in. It is sometimes to hard to keep in because it is too much. Too much from having too little. Too little of her. Too little of his children. He wants them all. He wants them to be his, to be with him, to be with him and only him. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. What can he do? What can he do but sit around and wait for her to pull her head out of her ass and realize that he loves her. He loves her and her being like this, her being like this isn't going to change that. Nothing can change the fact that he loves her. Nothing. No one. Nothing.
He walks into the exam room behind Meredith and immediately begins to feel the butterflies fluttering around in his stomach. He is about to see his children. He is about to see his children on that screen for the first time ever. Sure, he just saw the sonagram picture, but that's not that same thing. Oh my God. He is about to hear their heartbeats. He is about to hear the proof that they are real, that they exist, and that they are living. He is excited and he is scared. Excited and scared about the future. Excited to finally have a family of his own. Scared because he doesn't know if he will have that family, if Meredith will ever come around. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. He doesn't know and that uncertainty is slowly eating him away.
Meredith can feel his eyes boring into her back. Into her back. Through her back. Through her back and to her heart. He knows her. He knows her so well. He can read her like a book. Like his favorite book that he has memorized. He knows her. He knows her, but still, still she tries to lie to him, to fool him. She tries to convince him that she doesn't need him, that she doesn't love him. She tries. She tries. She tries. She tries to convince him as well as herself. She tries. She tries. She tries and she fails. She fails miserably. Miserably. Miserable. Miserable. She is miserable. Deservedly miserable. Deservedly miserable because she deserves her misery. She deserves tenfold the misery she is feeling because of all the misery she has caused everyone else.
She smiles weakly at Addison as she hands her a hospital gown.
Meredith: Do I really need a pelvic today?
Addison smiles at Meredith and answer her before Derek can say anything.
Addison: As much as I trust that you had a good doctor, I would prefer to do a full exam myself. Plus, it says that it has been a couple of months since your last exam. So, I think a full exam is best at this time.
Meredith just nods as she disappears into the bathroom to put on the flimsy hospital gown. Derek looks helplessly at Addison before he allows his head to fall in his hands. Addison sees his pain and she sighs as she sits down next to him.
Addison: Derek...
Derek (in a hopeless voice): I don't know what to do, Addi. I mean, I love her. I love her so damn much and she just...she won't let me in. I don't...I don't know what to do. I want to be there. I need to be there...I just...I love her. Damn it, I love her.
Addison sighs and places a hand on his arm. He looks up at her and she sees the tears running down his face. She has only ever seen him look like this twice. When Meredith was down after the ferry accident and when she left.
Addison: I don't know what to tell you. I will say this. She must be going through a lot right now and you need to respect that to a certain extent, but don't give her too much space. If you give her too much space you might lose her for forever.
Derek (in a sarcastic voice): Geeze, that helps a lot. Thanks. I can't believe my ex-wife is giving me relationship advice.
He drops his head back down in his hands and groans.
Addison laughs bitterly.
Addison: Ironic, isn't it?
Derek: Karma is a bitch.
Addison: You could say that again.
Derek: Karma is a bitch. A cold heartless bitch who clearly hates me.
Addison rolls her eyes.
Addison: Stop being an ass and stop thinking about yourself so damn much. Concentrate on Meredith and your babies. It may make the pain a bit more bearable.
Derek sighs as he leans back in the chair.
Derek: You're right.
Addison (smugly): Of course I'm right.
Derek: Thanks, Addi.
Addison smiles at her ex-husband, who looks completely miserable.
Addison: No problem. I just want you to be happy.
Derek opens his mouth to answer but is stopped by Meredith's return from the bathroom. Derek chuckles at her attempts to keep the back of the gown closed.
Meredith: Shut up, Derek!
Derek shrugs.
Derek: Well, it's nothing I've never seen before.
Meredith: Well, it's something you will never see again, so wipe that smug ass look off of your face.
The smile immediately fades from his face and he has to bite his tongue to keep from lashing out. He looks at Addison who shoots him a sympathetic gaze. Meredith climbs up onto the exam room table and lies back.
Addison: All right then, let's get this exam started.
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Addison: This gel is going to be cold.
Meredith nods. She knows the procedure. She has felt the coldness of the gel on her abdomen before. She has felt it before but why does this time feel so different? Last time she was all alone and the doctor was an ass. An ass who was actually hitting on her. She has felt the coldness of gel on her abdomen before, but this time, this time it doesn't seem so cold as Addison spreads the gel over Meredith's stomach. Meredith doesn't shiver. She doesn't shiver. She doesn't feel cold. Why doesn't she feel cold? Last time she felt cold. So cold. So alone. Alone. Maybe that's why she doesn't feel cold. Maybe that is why she isn't shivering. She's not alone. As much as she thinks that she deserves to be alone, she's not. She's not alone.
Not alone. As much as she thinks that she deserves to be alone, she's not. Not alone. Finally. Finally not alone. There is a great man sitting next to her. The man that is the father of her unborn children. The man whom she knows will never abandon her, never leave her alone. The man who is the love of her life. The man who loves her. He loves her. He loves [iher[/i. Not someone else. Her. Meredith Grey. He loves Meredith Grey. He loves her. He loves her but Meredith still refuses to see it. She knows, but she ignores it. She ignores it because if she acknowledges it, if she acknowledges his love, then she will have to let him. Letting him leaves her vulnerable. Vulnerabiliy leads to heartache and abandonment. Although she knows that he would never abandon her again, she can't help but wonder. He left her once. He left her when he chose Addison. She can't help but wonder. In her world, all roads lead to alone.
Alone. Meredith Grey. Alone. Again. Meredith. Alone. All alone. The thought alone sends cold chills through her blood stream. Why does she fear being alone so much? Why after all of those years of being alone does she now fear it more than anything else? Why? Because of Derek Shepherd. That's why. He is the first one to show her pure, untainted, undying love. The first. Not her mother, not her father, Dr. Derek Shepherd, Head of Neurosurgery at Seattle Grace. Her boss. The father of her children. The love of her life. Derek Shepherd. Derek Shepherd has made her believe in the fairytale, the happily-ever-after, the glass slipper. He has made her believe in soul mates and true love. He has made her believe. He has made her believe for the first time in her life that she is worthy to be loved. He has made her believe that she is worthy. He has made her believe that she is somebody. He has made her believe the opposite of everything her mother ever told her. He believes in [iher[/i and that is more than anyone else has ever done. And it scares her. It scares her shitless. It scares her because that gives him power. It gives him the power to hurt her worse than anyone else. It gives him the power to made her a nobody once again. It gives him that power. It gives him that power and if she refuses to acknowledge it, in her mind, it takes that power away from him.
She wants nothing more than to build a home with that man. To build a real, loving home with him. To build a house on his land for their children, for their life together, as a family. She wants nothing more. She knows that she can never return to her mother's house. Not because of Izzie, not because of Alex, but because of the memories. The memories of her mother and her father fighting endlessly, the memories of her being left alone with the nanny as her mother was spending another night at the hospital, the memories of feeling all alone and unloved. Memories that she refuses to let her children have. She doesn't want them to have the life that she had as a child. She refuses to give them that life. She wants better for them. That is why she must build her own home and create her own memories for their children. A new home with a new foundation for her new family. That is what she wants. That is what she needs.
Meredith and Derek look at the blank screen in anticipation. The images that are about to pop up mean so much to both of them. It is their future. His future. Her future. Hopefully, in his mind, their future together. Derek sits on the edge of his seat, thoughts running continuously through his mind.
He wants them to be together. He needs them to be together. He imagines the future. He imagines Christmas morning, the children running in their room and jumping on their bed, waking them up because they want to see what Santa left for them. He imagines the giggle that escapes from Meredith's mouth and the beautiful smile that graces her face. He imagines sitting under the tree and handing out the presents as their children wait eagerly to tear the wrapping paper off of the gifts. Handing out the presents just like his father used to do when he was a child. He imagines the loving smile that Meredith gives, that is reserved for only him. He imagines their children playing in the yard at the house he built for them on his land. He imagines Meredith walking towards him at their wedding and the love that fills her eyes. He imagines taking Meredith to meet his family and them loving her, just as he does. He imagines the birth of their children that she is now carrying. He imagines going out in the wee hours of the morning to fetch whatever she is craving. He imagines these things as they gradually work towards the present. The present when these imaginings seem almost like impossibilities. Impossibilities which he needs to cling to. Impossibilities that are possible. Impossibilities that he plans on working his hardest to achieve.
Derek sighs as he returns to the present. He looks at Meredith and her stunning beauty causes his breath to catch in his throat. She is amazing. She is so damn amazing. He wants her. He needs her. He loves her. He loves her so damn much.
He scoots futher forward as Addison moves the wand over Meredith's abdomen. Suddenly, the room is filled with the sound of a heartbeat. A single heartbeat. A single heartbeat.
Addison smiles warmly as Derek fills a slight panic.
Addison: It seems that their heartbeats are in sync. It's rare, but we do see that occasionally.
Derek breathes a sigh of relief. They are fine.
Derek (awestruck): Wow.
Derek feels his eyes begin to well as the overwhelming thoughts of his impending parenthood filter through his brain. He, for the first time ever, has just heard the heartbeats of his children. A heartbeat that is there because of him and Meredith. Because of his love for Meredith. Just...wow. He can't even really formulate a coherent sentence. Just. Wow. Wow. Wow. Amazing. Awe inspiring. He has saved hundreds of lives before, but this. This is so much better. This...wow. He watches intently as Addison points out the shapes of his children.
Addison: There they are.
Meredith and Derek (in a hushed whisper): Wow.
Derek looks at her and smiles warmly. Surprisingly, she smiles back. She smiles back and his heart melts a little. She smiles back. She can't pretend to not love him right now. Not when the products of their love is on the screen in front of them. Just. Wow. Wow. They revert their attention back to the screen.
Addison: Well, unfortunately, the way they are lying I am unable to tell the sex. Maybe next time.
Addison smiles at Meredith and Meredith just nods. Addison continues with the rest of the exam and neither Meredith nor Derek are able to remove the smiles that are plastered to their faces. They are riding the high from hearing the heartbeats. From hearing the heartbeats together. Meredith doesn't even flinch of notice the lack of comfort as Addison does the pelvic exam. She can't care. She can't care because she is actually happy. For this moment she is happy. She is happy and she isn't going to let the fact that the woman performing the pelvic is the ex-wife of the father of her children.
Addison: Everything is looking good right now. However, I would like to see you again in two weeks to check your pelvis again. With twins you are more subject to preterm labor, so I want to monitor you closely. We could perform another ultrasound then and hopefully find out the sexes of the twins.
Meredith nods and Derek sits up straight.
Derek: So, she is okay, right?
Addison smiles warmly at Derek's concern.
Addison: She is just fine.
Addison turns her attention to Meredith.
Addison: Just be sure to take it easy. If you need to rest, rest. Don't overdue it.
Addison looks seriously at Meredith and Meredith just nods.
Addison: So, I will see you again in two weeks.
Meredith: Thank you, Addison.
Addison: Your welcome.
Meredith goes into the bathroom to change back into her scrubs.
Derek: Thank you, Addi.
Addison: Your welcome. Take good care of her.
Derek: I'm trying.
Addison: I know.
Addison smiles warmly at Derek before exiting the exam room. Derek waits a few minutes before Meredith comes back out of the bathroom. She looks at him and the cold look returns.
Meredith: You didn't have to wait for me.
Derek: Yes, I did.
Meredith rolls her eyes.
Meredith: Whatever.
Meredith walks past Derek and out of the exam room, leaving him alone. Derek runs his hand through his hair and sighs loudly, hoping that the smile earlier meant something.Wanting the smile earlier to mean something. Needing the smile earlier to mean something. He loves her. he loves her so much. He loves her so damn much.
Sorry about the wait...life has been hectic...the like of a pre-med major...seriously...anyways...I went ahead and gave you two updates because of the delay in getting this posted...I just haven't had time to be on the computer...hope you enjoyed it...and more will be posted this weekend...
-Marci