Chapter 14
'I'm sorry I didn't come to see you Ali, I-I…' Emily stammered, not daring to look Alison in the eye. 'It's okay Em, I get it. Don't worry about it' Alison interrupted her. Emily looked up, when her eyes met Alison's she quickly looked away again. Alison was shocked by what she saw in the eyes of her friend she loved. She saw that Emily was broken and it wouldn't be easy to fix her. 'Emmy, sweetie… What's going on?' she asked quietly. A tear trickled down Emily's cheek. She didn't respond, she just shook her head. 'Em, you know you can tell me everything. Please, let me help you' Alison squeezed her hand. Emily bit her lip. She didn't know what to tell Alison, she didn't know where to start. She had been down for so long, but she had been able to handle that. For a year she had been able to minimize the drinking bouts and to ignore the urge to hurt herself. She lost control when Alison got pregnant and broke up with Noel. She couldn't tell Alison that she completely lost it since Alison landed in hospital, could she? That seeing how sad Alison was about Noel breaking up with her was the last straw that broke the camel's back? If I don't tell someone about any of this, I am not going to get through this, Emily thought to herself. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and started talking. 'I've been down for a while… After the whole A thing was sorted out I was feeling better, but then I didn't get the scholarship and lost it again. Thanks to Paige I was able to make it through the first years of college, and after a while I was feeling quite good actually. That was until she broke up with me half a year ago… I-I just couldn't handle that. I think you could say I've been down ever since' Emily looked at Alison. She was such a good listener. She could see that Alison really cared about she was telling her, it encouraged her to go on. 'And when you got landed in hospital… I just lost it, Ali. You mean so much to me. I've been meaning to tell you, but I just didn't have the courage…' Emily started crying. 'Hey, Emmy, look at me' Alison said, while softly wiping away the tears from her friend's face. 'Em, you've been through so much. You've been so brave. It's okay to feel down sometimes. But you should never be afraid to tell me something' Alison said, giving her a weak smile. 'Actually…' Alison took a deep breath, 'it's not really fair of me to say that'. 'What do you mean?' Emily asked. 'I haven't been completely honest with you Emily' Alison looked down. 'About what?' Emily's eyes grew wide. 'About why Noel left me' Alison looked Emily in the eye. 'He left me because… because I'm in love with you' Alison whispered. Emily didn't say a word. She just looked at her friend with her big brown eyes. 'Em?' Alison asked quietly. 'Are you mocking me?' Emily asked. 'No, Em, honestly. I would never do that to you. I don't know what is happening to me either, but I cannot ignore the feelings I have for you. I have tried to do that for so long and it's been hurting me… and you' she explained. Emily had tears in her eyes. 'I have to go to the bathroom' Emily stood up and rushed into the ensuite bathroom. 'Em!' Alison said, but Emily didn't respond and locked the door behind her.
On the other side of the door Spencer was pacing up and down the room. 'Spence, could you please sit down? You're driving me crazy!' Hanna said annoyed. 'I'm sorry Han, I'm just hoping that we did the right thing' Spencer said, her voice sounding worried. 'We haven't heard them screaming yet, do we? It'll be fine, everything's going to be fine' Hanna said. 'Well… let's just hope it's a start. One conversation isn't going to fix them, either of them. Emily has never been so depressed as she is now and I think it has been eating more on Alison than we can imagine' Aria said thoughtfully. 'Of course it's not going to be fine just like that, but I mean… we need to stay positive right?' although Hanna tried to sound like she was holding her cool, she had been biting her nails the entire time Alison and Emily were talking. Her friends knew she was nervous.
Emily couldn't breathe. Is this really happening? Is she really in love with me? This can't be true, I must have gone mad. She splashed some cold water in her face. She looked at herself in the mirror. I look like a mess. She tried to control her breathing. Calm down Em. Is she playing with me again? I mean, it is Alison we're talking about. She took a gulp of water. No, I can't think like that. She's changed. She wouldn't do that to me. Then she heard knocking on the door. 'Em? Em, please open the door. Please don't do anything… anything stupid…' Alison sounded sad. Emily didn't want her to think she would hurt herself. She loved her.
She opened the door to see Alison's tearstained face. 'Em, I…' before Alison could finish her sentence, Emily pressed her lips on hers. After one or two seconds Emily realized what she was doing. 'I- I'm sorry Ali… I just wanted to say, I'm in love with you too' she said blushing. A teary smile appeared on Alison's face. She took Emily's hand and pulled her to the bed, where they sat down. 'What just happened?' Alison asked. 'I panicked… I can't imagine you being in love with me Alison. I've had a crush on you for so long, but you are unattainable… I didn't think you would like someone like me' Emily looked down. 'Because you're a girl, you mean?'. 'Not necessarily… Someone as weak and screwed up as me… Someone who's…' Emily couldn't finish her sentence. Alison had grabbed her wrist. 'Stop it Emily Fields. You're not weak, nor are you screwed up. You're beautiful, inside and out. You're a good person who's had bad things happening to them. You'll get through this – we will' Alison put her hand under Emily's chin and lifted up her face so she could look her in the eye, 'you're the most lovely person I know'. 'Ali…' Emily sighed, 'I've been binge drinking and hurting myself over the past few days. I haven't been talking to Hanna, Aria or Spencer, even though they were here to take care of me. I'm a mess Ali, you deserve better'. 'They told me what happened, and I'm so very sorry that I haven't been there for you. But I'm here now. And I'll be there in the future, okay? If there is someone who deserves better it's you' she said. 'But… but I need help' Emily said awkwardly. She thought Alison had gone crazy. She wouldn't want to date someone who's ready for Radley, would she? 'I know you do, Em. But hey, so do I. No one is perfect. But please Em, believe me when I say I want to be with you' Alison pleaded. 'I want to be with you too…' Emily whispered. 'Well that's settled then' Alison smiled and took Emily in her arms.
'Should we knock on the door?' Hanna asked. 'No! Are you crazy? Let's just wait' Spencer answered. 'I'm hungry…' Hanna whined. 'Then order a pizza' Aria said annoyed. 'I'm sorry guys, I'm just worried okay? They are both so vulnerable right now. Anyway, didn't the doctor set a time for Ali to be back?' Hanna asked. 'We get it Hanna, we're worried too. Not really, he just said see you tonight, so I guess we have some time' Spencer said. 'How long do you think she'll have to stay there?' Aria wondered. 'I don't know… She's still awfully underfed and she struggles to eat an apple. Hopefully this conversation will do her some good' Spencer started pacing up and down the room again. 'I hope she gets to leave soon, it'll be better for her and for Emily' Aria side, while flicking through all the tv channels for the hundredth time. 'Could you both just sit down and stop being so worked up, you're making me nervous!' Hanna couldn't handle her friends' nervous behavior. Spencer sighed and sat down. 'I hope they'll come out of that room soon, it's been more than an hour. I'm hungry' Hanna said again. Aria and Spencer rolled their eyes, but knew better than to say anything. They knew how Hanna got when she was nervous.
After their intense conversation Emily and Alison were just lying in bed, cuddling, enjoying being close to each other. 'Ali?' Emily asked after a while. 'Mm?' Alison had almost fallen asleep, she felt save in Emily's arms. 'What do we tell the others?' Emily didn't really know how to define their relationship. Alison turned around to face the beautiful girl she was so in love with. 'I don't think we have to tell them anything. They know us. They will accept our relationship and be happy for us' Alison said. 'So we are official then?' Emily asked blushing. 'Of course we are, silly' Alison pecked her on the lips. Emily smiled. It was her first real smile in months.