TraSan, Pandora, Cheryl, Lina – thank you! Your comments are always so appreciated. :)
Alicia – Glad you found this story! I've realized a lot of people don't know it exists. Heck, even I didn't know the 'M' page existed until I couldn't seem to find this story even though I knew I'd uploaded it; not until Phoenix kindly pointed it out to me! LOL! But I'm glad you're here now and thank you so much for taking the time to review!
Guilty
Chapter 14
Frank and Callie exited the elevator on the third floor and followed the signs towards Vanessa's room. As they turned a corner Frank stopped short. At the end of the hall, Joe was standing against a wall with a look of anguish on his face that Frank could not even begin to comprehend. Reaching up Joe started to run both hands through his hair and then stopped. Holding his head in his hands, he seemed to be staring at the floor and rocking back and forth. Even from a distance, Frank could see he was shaking badly.
Over the years, Frank had suffered all kinds of physical pain but nothing had prepared him for the pain he felt watching his brother go through this. It was without a doubt the worst form of torture he had ever endured. He felt a slight pull on his hand and looked at Callie. She nudged him forward with an encouraging look.
"Go on, Frank. He needs you." She gave him a little push in Joe's direction. "Don't worry. I'll be right here if you need me."
Frank nodded and very slowly started walking towards his brother. 'I've never seen him like this. Even after Iola died, he wasn't this bad.' For the first time in his life, he had absolutely no idea what to say to Joe. He wanted to grab his brother and run as fast and as far as he could to help him escape this nightmare. At the same time he just wanted to run away – alone – and not have to watch Joe go through this mental and emotional torture. Between the ever-increasing flashbacks he was having to that weekend seventeen years ago and now Vanessa's rape, Frank was very afraid Joe was rapidly heading towards a break down.
'Come on. Help him. He needs you!' a voice in his head called out. 'But I don't know how! What do I say? What am I supposed to do?' He felt himself starting to panic. 'Calm down. Just relax; you'll think of something.'
He had been playing the big brother so long, rescuing Joe so often it had become second nature to him. How could he be so lost now, when Joe needed him more than ever? 'Come on, Frank. You're the perfect big brother. Everyone has been telling you that for years. Just let instinct take over.'
Suddenly hearing Frank's footsteps, Joe looked up. His blue eyes were filled with grief and bright with unshed tears. More than anything, Frank wanted to turn and run. Instead, he took a few more steps and put his arms around Joe. Pulling Joe in close, he held him as tightly as he could. 'That's it. You've got it now,' the voice in his head told him. 'Now don't let go, no matter what.'
Joe buried his head in Frank's chest and began to sob uncontrollably. Frank was immediately transported back to their childhood. Whenever Joe had a bad dream and awoke terrified in the middle of the night he would run not to his parents, but straight into Frank's room. Frank would allow Joe to crawl into bed next to him, wrapping his arms protectively around his little brother. If the nightmare had been especially bad, he would bury his head in Frank's chest and cry himself to sleep. 'The only problem now is, this nightmare is real,' Frank thought.
It was several minutes before Joe pulled away and wiped his eyes.
"Thanks," he said hoarsely.
Frank was stunned by the haunted look in Joe's eyes. "I'm so sorry, Joe. I wish I could make it better for you."
"Me too," Joe replied, wiping at his eyes again. "They just took her statement," he whispered looking at the closed door to Vanessa's room.
Realization suddenly dawned on Frank. "You mean you were in there when she gave her statement?" he asked in disbelief.
Joe nodded, as a few more tears escaped.
"Joe, why? Why would you put yourself through that?" He was shocked.
"She asked me to stay. She needed me. I couldn't leave her, Frank, no matter how much it hurt to hear it." He choked back a sob, unable to get the horrible images Vanessa's statement had conjured up out of his mind.
Frank looked at his brother with a new found respect. Had the situation been reversed, he didn't know if he could have done the same thing.
Joe leaned against the wall and slid down until he was sitting on the floor. Frank sat down next to him, resting a hand on Joe's back reassuringly. As Joe stared silently at the opposite wall, Frank couldn't help but feel overwhelmed at how drastically everything had changed in less than twenty-four hours.
"Handcuffs," Joe whispered, still staring at the wall.
"What?" Frank asked, confused.
"He used handcuffs. To restrain her. So she couldn't escape," Joe continued in the same whisper.
'Oh, no. No, no, no,' Frank thought, panicking. 'He needs to talk about it. NO! I do not want to hear this!'
"She tried, you know. She tried to run. But he…he grabbed her. Threw her on the ground and…"
"Joe, stop it!" Frank practically yelled. Joe looked at him startled and confused. "Don't do this to yourself, Joe."
'Don't do this to me!' Frank wanted to scream at him. 'I know you need someone to talk to but I do not want to hear this. I don't want to see you tear yourself apart imagining what happened.'
"I'm…sorry." Joe sensed Frank's uneasiness and pulled away from him. Standing up Joe looked down the hall. "Did you see a bathroom when you came in? I need to get cleaned up before I go back in."
Frank pointed towards the end of the hall. "Down there. Turn left."
Joe nodded and started down the hall. Frank watched for a moment as Callie stopped him and spoke to him in a low voice.
Frank rested his head on his forearms and closed his eyes. 'God, please help me.'
He felt someone sit down on the floor next to him and needed only one whiff of perfume to know it was Callie. She put an arm around him and kissed the top of his head.
"I can't do this, Callie," he said without lifting his head. "I can't watch him do this to himself."
Callie was torn. She hated to see Frank hurting like this but she knew Joe needed him more than ever right now. She also knew if Frank turned his back on Joe now, even to protect himself, he would regret it for the rest of his life. She had no idea what to say to him and was grateful when she heard Laura Hardy's voice.
"Frank, Callie." Laura and Fenton were hurrying down the hall towards them. "When did you get here? Where's Joe?" she asked anxiously, looking around.
"He's in the bathroom," Callie replied. She stood up and discreetly steered Laura towards that end of the hall, sensing Frank needed to speak with his father alone.
Frank looked up at his father. Silently, Fenton extended a hand to his son, pulling him to his feet. They walked to the empty waiting area and sat down. Frank sat, staring at his hands and finally spoke very quietly.
"I don't think I can do this, Dad." When his father remained silent, Frank looked up and met his eyes. "Have you seen him, Dad? Have you talked to him? Do you know he sat with Vanessa when she gave her statement?"
"What?" Fenton's eyes were wide with disbelief. "Why would he put himself through that? If she didn't want to be alone they could have called a counselor or a nurse. He shouldn't have been there."
"I know, but she asked him to stay and he wouldn't leave her." Frank felt his eyes starting to burn. "I've never seen him like this - never. It just hurts so much to watch him and know there's nothing I can do."
"Frank, I know this is hard for you. But his whole life he's always depended on you. He is going to need someone to talk to. I'll be here to help you, son, but I don't know that he'll open up to anyone but you. He needs to know he can count on you. I need to know he can count on you."
Frank shook his head, allowing a few tears to escape. "As if the reality isn't bad enough, he's torturing himself thinking about Vanessa's statement. He started to tell me what she said and…" he stopped a moment. "I guess I yelled at him but, Dad, I don't need to know every detail to know how horrible it was for her."
"He can't keep all this bottled up inside." Fenton hated asking Frank to do something that was so obviously tearing him apart. But he knew if Joe didn't feel he could turn to his brother for help, he would shut down and try to deal with everything on his own. He had an overwhelming fear that would be devastating for his entire family. "He needs to know he can talk to you, Frank."
"I know, Dad," Frank sighed.
Looking at his father, Frank began to realize just how strong, emotionally, he really was and how much he had always taken it for granted. His father had been the one to break the news to Joe and had been there to help him get through the initial shock. He had been the one who told Frank and Callie and Laura and Andrea. He had been there for all of them.
'We expect him to be there; to be able to handle anything,' Frank thought. 'And he never expects anything in return from us.'
Frank made a promise to himself to do what his father was asking and be there for Joe. He just had one more hurdle he needed to get past. He hoped his father had the answer.
"There's just one more thing, Dad," Frank said hesitantly.
"What is it, son?"
"How do I get past the guilt? And the shame? You know, for being grateful that it didn't happen to my wife?"
Looking past Frank into the hall, Fenton suddenly sat up a little straighter.
"Frank, don't…" he started to say.
Assuming his father was going to tell him he shouldn't feel guilty, Frank interrupted. "I can't help it, Dad."
"No, you don't understand…"
Frank was oblivious to the urgency in his father's voice. "Every time I think about it, I thank God that Callie wasn't the one who was raped and -"
A loud gasp caused him to rapidly turn around. All the color drained from his face as he looked into Joe's devastated blue eyes. Immediately he reached out to his younger brother.
"Joe, listen to me. Please! I didn't mean -"
"You're glad it was Vanessa who was raped?" Joe stared at his brother incredulously. In his head he knew that was not what Frank had meant; but right now he was thinking with his heart and his emotions and they had just been turned upside down.
"No!" Frank exclaimed. "God, no! I would never…"
Joe's eyes suddenly turned very cold.
"Leave me alone," he said, backing away from Frank. The tone of his voice matched the chill in his eyes. "Leave us alone."
Joe quickly turned and left the waiting area not wanting anyone to see just how devastated he was. Returning to Vanessa's room, he slowly pushed the door open. Turning to look at him, Andrea Bender put one finger to her lips and then pointed at Vanessa who was asleep once again. Releasing her daughter's hand, she motioned for Joe to join her on the small couch.
"Andrea, I'm so sorry. This is all my fau-" Joe began.
"Stop it, Joe," Andrea said, holding up a hand. "I just heard the same thing from Vanessa - it was all her fault. You are both wrong." Softening her tone, she took Joe's hand in hers and continued. "There is only one person to blame and that is the miserable excuse for a human being who did this to my daughter."
Looking at Andrea, Joe was once again impressed with her amazing inner strength, a trait Vanessa shared with her to a certain degree. It was obvious Andrea had cried over what had happened to her daughter; her red rimmed eyes and tear stained face were clear evidence of that. But Joe knew that after the tears stopped, Andrea had become a source of strength for Vanessa and would continue to do so as long as Vanessa needed it.
"Joe, I know how much you love my daughter. You've always done everything in your power to protect her. Please don't blame yourself for this." Looking at her future son-in-law, Andrea didn't see the macho, tough guy Joe liked everyone to think he was, but rather a very tired, confused and emotionally drained young man. Her maternal instincts kicked in and she knew something else was bothering him. She also knew him well enough to know he would not open up to her. Putting an arm around him, she pulled him close. He let his head rest on her shoulder and closed his eyes. Almost immediately, he was asleep. Quietly, Andrea got up, allowing Joe to curl up on the small couch and get some much needed rest.
Joe peered out into the mist, squinting, as if that would help him see through the heavy fog that had rolled in. He wandered along the deserted street searching for…what? The night was eerily quiet and still. He hadn't seen another soul. Where was everyone?
Suddenly a piercing scream split the night air. Joe froze. Another scream, this one causing his blood to run cold.
Vanessa! He knew it was her. He would recognize her scream anywhere.
"Vanessa!" he yelled. A third scream, this one filled with fear and pain.
"Vanessa, where are you?!" he yelled again, feeling the panic start to overtake him.
Another scream, this one worse than all the others. He ran towards the sound faster than he ever thought possible. Rounding a corner, he stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes wide with horror at what he saw.
"NO!!" he cried out in anguish.
Vanessa was pinned to the ground by a man kneeling over her, tearing at her clothes.
"No! Stop!" Joe screamed "STOP!!"
The man never turned towards Joe but Vanessa looked at him, tears running down her cheeks. "Joe. Please… helpme…"
Joe tried to run, to get to her, but it was as if he were running through quicksand. He could only watch, horrified and helpless, unable to stop the brutal assault..
Joe woke up in a panic, tears running down his face. Immediately he bolted for the tiny bathroom and became violently ill. This time he remembered the entire dream. This time he wished he could forget. This time he had seen Vanessa being raped.
He splashed cold water on his face and filling a paper cup, took a few sips. Looking in the mirror he hardly recognized the person staring back at him. What little sleep he'd gotten could hardly be called restful. Dark circles were already forming under his eyes, which reflected a haunted, tortured look. Leaning on the sink he closed his eyes as the events of the past twenty-four hours whirled through his mind.
Was it just twenty-four hours ago that he had been trying to convince Vanessa to skip work for the day and spend it with him? It now seemed like that had happened in a different lifetime. The scenes flashed before his eyes: coming home to his father and brother; getting the devastating news; the violent, uncontrollable rage that followed; listening as the doctor laid out what Vanessa's future would include; listening to her give every detail of the assault; and Frank…
He choked back a sob. Did Frank really say he was relieved that it was Vanessa who had been raped? Thinking back on the confrontation with his brother, he hoped he had dreamt that too.